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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga Adventures of a Motley Assortment of Auxiliary Star Wars Characters...(a humor fic w/ a long title)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by The_Face, Sep 17, 2003.

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  1. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Welcome to ADVENTURES OF A MOTLEY ASSORTMENT OF AUXILIARY STAR WARS CHARACTERS WHOSE ADVENTURES, NO MATTER HOW INTERESTING, HAVE NO SERIOUS EFFECT ON STAR WARS CONTINUITY. This is my second long fic posted and my first humor one. I've been writing non-Star Wars humor for a long time so the jump seemed natural. I hope you enjoy the tale.

    DISCLAIMER: I wrote this fic a few years ago. This was when Aurra Sing was just somebody to turn her head from the left to the right. I also still haven't read anything about Wuher, so characterizations are off. Also, Momaw Nadon is goofy.

    In we dive...

    ******

    Act 1, Scene 1

    (Fade in to a starry sky. Roll title, Episode IV.3: Adventures of a Motley
    Assortment of Auxiliary Star Wars Characters Whose Adventures, No Matter
    How Interesting, Have No Serious Affect On The Star Wars Continuity. Roll
    the following words...)

    Words After Title: It is a dark time for Wuher the bartender. His Mos Eisley
    business has been shut down and turned into an Imperial station. He heads
    out to find other opportunities. Then, the arrival of an escape pod changes
    everything. (An escape pod flies across the sky. The camera turns to watch as it falls past and to Tatooine.)

    Act 1, Scene 2

    (Wuher walks across the desert. An escape pod lands right in front of
    him.)

    Wuher: (surprised)Holy flamin' protocol droid! (The pod slowly
    opens. Aurra Sing and Ody Mandrell exit the pod. to Ody and Aurra)

    Who are you?

    Aurra: I'm Aurra Sing. Mandrell and I jettisoned Episode 1. We were far
    underappreciated there. Mandrell thought we could get some recognition in this trilogy. (She looks around the desert.)

    Ody: Could you direct us to the plot?

    Wuher: (confused)What are you talking about?
    (An Ithorian, Momaw Nadon, rushes up to Wuher from stage right.)

    Momaw: (desperate)Wuher! You gotta help me! They closed up your
    bar! I gotta have that purple stuff you make so well!

    Wuher: (irritated)Momaw, please! It's just fruit juice! Any idiot can
    make a gallon with enough kir'ka fruit!

    Ody: (struggling to get Wuher's attention)Excuse us, the plot?

    Momaw: (faints)

    Wuher: (relieved, to self)Finally. (to Ody and Aurra) Say what?

    Ody:(screaming at Wuher) Where's the big news happening?!?

    Wuher: (understanding) Oh! Well, the Rebels blew up the Death Star.

    Aurra: What's a Death Star?

    Wuher: It's a big ball (tries to show the shape with his hands) that
    makes planets and moons explode. The Imperials, who rule the galaxy
    nowadays, made it.

    Ody: Why?

    Wuher: (shrugs)

    Aurra: (pondering to self) 'Death Star,' huh? Sounds a little
    overdramatic to me.

    Wuher: Imperials are like that.

    Aurra: (decidedly) Sounds like if we want to make a mark on this Star
    Wars trilogy, we should get rid of the Imperials.

    Wuher: (a shocked expression appears on his face. He suddenly breaks
    into laughter)
    You- You want to get rid of the Empire? (he laughs
    uncontrollably)
    Oh man! Two humanoids (more laughter) against
    the ruthless galactic rulers with the tyrannical Sith that destroyed the Jedi and
    an army of fearless soldiers at their disposal?

    Aurra: (completely humorless glare at Wuher)

    Wuher: (laughter stops and his face becomes that of horror) You're
    serious...

    Aurra: (nods) If you were worth anything I would kill you.

    Wuher: (his terror grows) You're a bounty hunter! (he glances
    between the two) (pleadingly)
    Please! I only have a few truguts left after
    my cantina was taken over by the Empire, but take them! (he holds out a
    tan pouch that he removes from his pocket)
    Just don't kill me or turn
    Jabba against me or something!

    Aurra: (surprised) Jabba? That fat slime is still alive? Man, Hutts get
    old.

    Ody: (slightly pushy) I suggest we locate a ship to strike the Empire
    with.

    Wuher: (he gives
     
  2. lordmaul13

    lordmaul13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 18, 2000
    Interesting...

    And funny.

    I'll keep my eye on it. :)

    lordmaul13
     
  3. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    This fic got better as it progressed, so...
    ...
    ...
    ...and I don't have a way to complete my thought.

    ******

    Act 1, Scene 4

    (Aurra and Wuher are in the pilot and copilot seats of the Man'tisk 5000
    with Ody and Momaw behind them)


    Ody: Wuher, I'm not sure if your friend was better before or after he got that
    fruit juice.

    Wuher: What makes you say that?

    Momaw: (loudly and musically) Feeeeee-lings!

    Ody: That line is the only one he knows.

    Momaw: Feeee-lings!

    Aurra: Preparing to enter hyperspace.

    Momaw: (stumbles to the front of the cockpit, between Wuher and Aurra,
    and falls onto the control panel)


    Wuher: Momaw! Get up now!

    Momaw: (snores)

    Aurra: Nadon! (reaches to yank Momaw off the controls when the stars
    turn to starlines. she looks at the stars in horror)
    Oh no!

    Ody: What's the big deal?

    Wuher: (terrified) Momaw changed our coordinates! Who knows
    where in the galaxy we'll end up now! Holy Katana Fleet, this is terrible!

    Ody: Turn it around, Aurra.

    Aurra: (extremely agitated) Flying in hyperspace isn't like racing pods,
    boy! Not that you're very good at that either, Mr. My Pod Is The Slowest In
    The Whole Stinkin' Boonta Eve!

    Ody: (touchily) Shut up!

    Momaw: (falls onto the ship's floor)

    Wuher: I don't wanna die!

    Momaw: (softly, in his sleep) Feliz Navidad, chachacha. Feliz
    Navidad, chachacha. Feliz Navidad, something, something, something, yeah.
    Ya-ha! I wanna wish you a merry Christmas... (Momaw continues to sing,
    Ody and Aurra continue to argue, and Wuher continues to scream panicked
    things as the camera slowly fades out)


    Act 1, Scene 5

    (show an Imperial base on an asteroid. An Interdictor Star Destroyer
    looms overhead)


    Narrator: Wuher, Aurra, Ody, and Momaw had no idea they would arrive on
    a secret Imperial base when they launched. But that's exactly what happened.

    (The Man'tisk 5000 appears, very small in comparison to the base. cut to interior of Man'tisk)

    Wuher: Holy Mace Windu!

    Momaw: (awake now) Let's go again. That was fun!

    Aurra: Power to forward shields! Ody, man the guns!

    Ody: (runs off)

    (cut to asteroid below to show Moff Barkin and Imperial Officer 1)


    Imperial Officer 1: Your high, amazing, super, great, invulnerable, awesome
    Excellency, the Man'tisk 5000 has been sighted. Awaiting your judgment.

    Moff Barkin: The Man'tisk 5000?

    Imperial Officer 2: (to Moff Barkin) Excuse me, Your Excellency?

    Moff Barkin: (to Imperial Officer 2) Ahem.

    Imperial Officer 2: (flat, she obviously doesn't mean what she's saying)Your high, amazing, super, great, invulnerable, awesome Excellency.

    Moff Barkin: What?

    Imperial Officer 2: The Man'tisk 5000 is a notorious pirate, believed to be
    associated with the Rebel scum. May I suggest that we destroy it at all costs?

    Moff Barkin: (angrily to Imperial Officer 2) No, you may not suggest!
    (calmly to Imperial Officer 1) Destroy the Man'tisk 5000 at all costs.
    (cut back to Man'tisk 5000)

    Ody: (returns to cockpit)

    Aurra: (aggravated) What are you doing here?

    Ody: This ship doesn't have any guns!

    Wuher: Say what? The Jawas said it was armed with A'post Ro'phic weapons!

    Aurra: (with contempt) Jawas are about as trustworthy as they are
    pleasant to smell.
    (the ship lights up with laserfire as it evades Imperial offenses. Imperial
    Officer 1's voice comes across the comm)


    Imperial Officer 1: (to Aurra, Momaw, Wuher, and Ody) Man'tisk
    5000, you are commanded to surrender now.

    Ody: (rebellious) You first! (hits a button on the control panel. The
    windshield wipers activate. He hits a different button. Two blue torpedoes
    launch into a squadron of TIE Fighters, sending the ships flying in various
    directions, exploding at close proximity to other Imperial structures)


    Momaw: (excited) Hey, cool! (hits butto
     
  4. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Here's the beginning of Act 2, where those furry little man-eaters, the Ewoks, enter!

    ******
    Act 2, Scene 1

    (The Man'tisk arrives over Endor's moon and goes down towards the
    planet)


    Ody: I can't believe you ran out of power back there! Now we have to stop in
    this middle-of-nowhere road stop! (takes a sip from his Yoda travel mug
    with fury)


    Aurra: You're the one who fired the blue torpedoes!

    Wuher: Come off it, you two. Let's just get those parts and get back on track
    like reasonable humanoids.

    Act 2, Scene 2

    (The Man'tisk lands on Endor's moon. Ewoks instantly surround it as the
    heroes exit)


    Momaw: Hello, Cleveland! (hugs an Ewok that is poking him with a spear)

    Ody: (to Wuher) Be reasonable with these crazed teddy bears?

    Wuher: Okay, okay, just let it go.

    Ewok 1: (prods Wuher with spear)

    Wuher: Holy Yogi, that hurts!

    Ewok 2: (leans to poke Aurra with its spear)

    Aurra: (pulls a large rifle from back and aims at Ewok 2) Don't even
    think about it, Fuzzy. (a net falls down onto Momaw, Aurra, Wuher, Ody, and Ewok 1, who is still locked in a hug with Momaw. The Ewoks surround the trapped visitors
    and threateningly move in)


    Act 2, Scene 3

    (Stormtrooper 1 and 2 exit a wrecked ship)

    Stormtrooper 1: (looking at ship, speaking with anger to Stormtrooper 2) You messed everything up again! I'll never move up in the ranks if you always do this!

    Stormtrooper 2: Aw, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... Oops! (falls back into
    some foliage)


    Stormtrooper 1: I'm always cleaning up after your messes! (pulls brush apart and goes through into a clearing where the Man'tisk had been left alone. The two stormtroopers stare at the alien ship for a short while before Stormtrooper 1 speaks with awe) Take me to your leader.

    Stormtrooper 2: I was going to say that.

    Stormtrooper 1: Too bad.
     
  5. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Gaaa! Double post! There. Slightly better. [face_plain]
     
  6. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    This one is a long post, full of dancing Ewoks and Moff Barkin's antics.

    ******

    Act 2, Scene 4

    (Aurra, Momaw, Wuher, and Ody are hanging over a fire with Ewok Chef sprinkling salt and grinding pepper over them)

    Ody: (desperate) Come on, you're not going to really eat us, are you? Be a sport! You look like a reasonable Ewok. Let us go, please! Please!! I don't wanna die like this!!!

    Ewok Chef: (sticks an apple in Ody's mouth)

    Ewok 1: (speaks Ewokese to Ewok Chef. The subtitles at the bottom will read:)

    Subtitles: How's dinner coming?

    Ewok Chef: (more Ewokese to Ewok 1)

    Subtitles: Great except for the blue one. He's going out screaming.

    Ewok 1: (Ewokese)

    Subtitles: They usually do. Can I try one?

    Ewok Chef: (looks apalled, grabs big chef's hat off head, shakes head negatively, and speaks Ewokese)

    Subtitles: Oh no! You can't have any raw! You'll get some kind of disease! Who knows where they've been! And besides, they have to marinade first.

    Wuher: Kind of makes you wish you understood what in the world they were saying.

    Ewok Chief: (enters area with big feathery hat, scepter, stuff that comes
    with being ruler of the Ewoks)


    All Ewoks: (kneel before Ewok Chief)

    Momaw: Will we be made into a soufflé? You know how I just love soufflés!

    Ewok Chef: (slaps Momaw without being distracted from kneeling)

    Ewok Chief: (Ewokese)

    Subtitles: Yes, bow before me, knaves!

    Ewok Chief: (maniacal laughter)

    Subtitles: Hahahahahaha!

    Ewok Chief: (Ewokese)

    Subtitles: After looking at the meal, I rule that the fiesta shall continue with much vigor and joy. Let the tribal dance of victory begin! (Ewok Cop, Ewok Construction Worker, Ewok Biker, and Navy Ewok jump onto stage with Ewok Chief and do YMCA. Music and dance continue in the background as the camera goes back to the heroes)

    Wuher: I can't get over the fact that these little guys think they can chomp all four of us down.

    Aurra: Especially Nadon.

    Momaw: (hiccup)

    (several Ewoks, including Ewok Chef, carry the heroes over to a large vat of
    sauce)


    Ewok Chef: (Ewokese to other Ewoks)

    Subtitles: And now we place the humanoid into the sauce for marinading. You want to use a red berry sauce to accent the flavors of the-...

    Aurra: (grabs an Ewok spear with her feet, jabs the former spear wielder
    in the stomach with the butt of the spear, sending the Ewok plummeting into the sauce, and slices through her bonds)


    All Ewoks but Ewok Chef: (attack Aurra)

    Aurra: (uses the spear to knock out every Ewok to challenge her and save Wuher, Momaw, and Ody. The heroes make an escape when Ewok Cop and the other Ewok dancers, except for Ewok Chief, block their path. Aurra
    fights Ewok Construction Worker with her spear. Ewok Construction Worker strikes back with two wrenches tied together as nunchucks)


    Momaw: (strikes a pose with both arms in the air and on one leg, then loses balance. dialogue is to Ewok Cop, who is across from him) Oh, you're good. But not good enough, my friend! (runs up and tackles Ewok Cop, taking him down a slope)

    Navy Ewok: (Ewokese to Ody)

    Subtitles: Do not defy me! I command the entire Ewok Synchronized Swimming Squadron and-...

    Ody: (cuts Navy Ewok off by backhanding him into the sauce)

    Aurra: (defeats Ewok Construction Worker)

    Ewok Biker: (drives straight at Wuher on a speeder bike)

    Wuher and Aurra: (jump on a speeder bike and drive away, followed by Ewok Biker)

    Ody: (jumps on a speeder bike and chases after the others)

    (cut to Momaw and Ewok Cop)


    Ewok Cop: (pulls gun out of holster and shoots at Momaw)

    Momaw: (kicks up stick from ground and uses it in lightsaber-fashion to
    knock away the shots. takes a bite of the stick)


    Ewok Cop: (stares at Momaw)

    Act 2, Scene 5

    (Aurra and Wuher are chased throu
     
  7. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Sure is quiet...

    ******

    Act 3, Scene 1

    (fade in to a misty atmosphere. A large city can be seen through the
    cloudy air. the camera moves in to just outside a building)


    Wuher: This is the place. (He walks to the door, causing it to open) (Aurra, Ody, and Momaw follow into a cantina)

    Bartender: (to the heroes) What do you want?

    Momaw: (rushes up to the bar) A dozen glasses of kir'ka fruit juice!

    Bartender: Fruit juice?? (the music stops and all stare at Momaw)

    Scum 1: Get him! (All the people in the cantina charge at Momaw)

    Momaw: Yipes! (turns and grabs a lightsaber out of Robed Figure's hand. He cuts the hand off the first attacker, Scum 2)

    Scum 2: (screeches and hold its left hand. the camera swivels down to look at a large furry, four-fingered claw. Scum 2 looks at the hand on the floor, then at his own two-fingered reptilian hand. Releasing his left hand, it is revealed that both arms are there.)

    Scum 3: (is a furry caninelike alien) Hey! That's my hand!

    Momaw: Oopsies! (hands lightsaber back to Robed Figure and says to him:) Give my regards to the Muppets. (runs away to a back door to join the others)

    Robed Figure: (turns to show camera a green ear peeking from the hood)

    Act 3, Scene 2

    (Momaw, Aurra, Ody, Wuher, and Pit Droid slow down to lean against a wall. It's obvious that they just ran from something)

    Ody: (annoyed) You and your flamin' fruit juice! You just couldn't get by without another glass! Way to leave an impression on the locals!

    Aurra: How did you get that addiction, anyway?

    Wuher: Well, it all started a long time ago... (words fade as the visuals
    ripple into flashback, Momaw eats movie-style popcorn in anticipation of the flashback)


    Act 3, Scene 2: Flashback
    (ripple to Wuher's bar. Wuher is cleaning out glasses when Greedo walks in)

    Wuher: What can I get for you?

    Greedo: Anything Scottish.

    Wuher: Coming right up. (enters back room)

    Ody's Voice: Scottish?

    Wuher's Voice: It's near the Swiss part of the galaxy.

    Creepy Guy Next to Greedo: My friend doesn't like you.

    Greedo: What friend?

    Creepy Guy Next to Greedo: (pulls up a Darth Maul puppet and speaks in puppet-like voice) Hello, boys and girls! Today's program is brought to you by the letter W! Yay!

    Greedo: (shoots CGNTG through the puppet. Music stops only for a second)

    Aurra's Voice: Nicely done.

    Ody's Voice: Good gravy!

    Momaw's Voice: Here comes the best part!

    Wuher: (returns with drink)

    Greedo: Sorry 'bout the mess. (takes a drink)

    Momaw: (still staring at the body spinning on a swivel stool. Dialogue in
    Sean Connery style)
    Look- Look- Look what you did!

    Greedo: I entertained myself while waiting for Solo. What's it to you?

    Momaw: (looks up at Greedo with large eyes)

    Greedo: (exasperated) You Ithorians are way too uptight. (takes Creepy Guy's mug, turns his back to the camera and slides the mug to Momaw) Have what he was having.

    Momaw: (peers into the upside down Jango Fett helmet to see a violet mixture, still full)

    Greedo: (Close up of Greedo putting a packet labeled "POISON: Do not eat. Highly poisonous" back into his vest)

    Momaw: (takes a drink)

    Greedo: (looks at his own drink, green powder rising to the surface. Slaps
    himself in the forehead)
    D'oh!

    Momaw: Ooh! Good stuff! (takes another sip. And another. And another)

    Momaw's Voice: Is there a musical number included in this flashback? I love
    musical numbers! They brighten up any piece of film!

    (Whole cantina moves in superspeed, like in fast-forward until it stops at Greedo and Han Solo talking)

    Aurra's Voice: What's this?

    Wuher's Voice: I don't know.

    Aurra's Voice: It's your subconscious.

    Han Solo: (fires a shot that misses)

    Wuher: (fires his own blaster)

    Greedo: [
     
  8. amidalachick

    amidalachick FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 5 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    Wow, what an unusual story! But it's funny! I like how you use the small, underestimated characters and make them important. :) Write more soon!
     
  9. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Gasp! A... a... a reader! I thought this thread was going to end up just being me writing to myself.

    Thanks, amidalachick. Unusual is an accurate word for this story. I can't say this qualifies as "soon," though. Haven't been to the site lately to post nor to read potential replies.

    Anyhoo, this segment gives us a Vader cameo, the noon showdown, and a guy named Tony!

    ******

    Act 3, Scene 3

    (fade in to a large dome with two balconies on either side and a long
    walkway bridging the gap between them)


    Ody: Where's Moff Barkin?

    Wuher: It's high noon.

    Momaw: (bitterly) The big meanie probably went to some big brand-name puppy-waxer, the insensitive jerk.

    Aurra: (angrily) It's a trap! (pounds fist into the wall) He set us
    up! The Imperials aren't showing!

    (Stormtrooper 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 appear in the facing balcony)

    Ody: What were you saying? (in a faked realization) Oh yes, something ironic.

    Aurra: Keep on talking, Mandrell, you'll lose a facial feature.

    (the heroes hide behind an anomaly in the wall until the blast doors open.
    They then run away)


    Stormtrooper 1: Way to let them get away!

    Stormtrooper 2: What'd I do? (to Stormtrooper 3) What'd I do?

    Stormtrooper 3: (shrugs)

    Stormtrooper 1: Come on, after them! points at the route of the heroes' escape)

    (The stormtroopers run across the walkway until a large chunk of it breaks off, leaving them hanging in Luke Skywalker fashion)


    Darth Vader: (Enters and looks at the stormtroopers) Are you guys going to be any less bumbling or do I need to cut off some hands?

    Stormtrooper 1: We apologize, Lord Vader, but, in our defense, it's all his fault! (points at Stormtrooper 2 as best as he can)

    Darth Vader: (shakes his head and walks off) Ugh, I need some tea.

    Stormtooper 1: Will you bring me some? (chokes and falls, bringing Stormtrooper 2 with him. The two slide down and out into a back alley, where they fall onto the Man'tisk as it flies by. The Man'tisk turns on its side, dumping the troopers, to go through a tight spot)

    Stormtrooper 2: Hey, could have been worse. I mean, we had a nice, old mattress to land on.

    Stormtrooper 1: Shut up.

    Stormtrooper 2: Okay.

    Act 3, Scene 4

    (Moff Barkin takes a seat in his cushy La-Z-Boy recliner and reclines. He picks up the remote and turns on his holoprojector)

    Holonet: You have 1 new message.

    Moff Barkin: What is it? (takes a sip of tea)

    Darth Vader: (appears in hologram form) Moff Barkin, your demands of supplies from Imperial Center are insane. We know the measures you have taken to obtain resources and the Emperor is not pleased.

    Moff Barkin: (mouths "Blah, blah, blah" as he opens and closes his hand in a puppet manner)

    Darth Vader: You have one chance to redeem yourself, Barkin. I am coming personally to your Star Destroyer to examine the situation. Then your fate will be decided.

    Moff Barkin: (looks at the holo in terror)

    Darth Vader: The Emperor has many hands with which to punish you. And the Emperor is not a forgiving man. So kiss your greedy butt good bye, sucka!

    Moff Barkin: (drops glass)

    Act 3, Scene 5

    (Man'tisk interior. Wuher is dialing on a phone-like device)

    Wuher: Hello? Hello? Tony?
    (the screen splits to show Wuher on one side and a man with slicked-down hair, Tony, in a motel on the other side)

    Tony: Yello?

    Wuher: Tony! I've got a favor I need to ask of you.

    Tony: Wuher?? How ya doin'?

    Wuher: Great, just great, Tony. I need a favor.

    Tony: A favor, ah? (starts to pull a gun from his jacket) Oh, I do you a nice favor. A real nice favor.

    Wuher: Not that kind of favor, Tony. I need information.

    Tony: (sadly puts gun back) What kinda information?

    Wuher: Have you heard anything about a Moff Barkin?

    Momaw: (to Wuher from behind) Ask him if he needs his puppy waxed!
     
  10. amidalachick

    amidalachick FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 5 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    Oh, I can't wait to see what happens next! This is great!

    Tony: (sadly puts gun back)

    Lol!

     
  11. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Ah, Tony. He hails from the Italian portion of the galaxy.

    Now this section begins the big climax thingamajig versus Moff Barkin (woof)!

    Happy hollendaise!

    ******

    Act 3, Scene 6

    (The Man'tisk appears above Tatooine)

    Momaw: (sickly) I sense a disturbance in my digestive system, as if a billion leftovers cried out at once...

    Ody: Stay on that side. (points away from himself)

    Aurra: I wasn't aware that Tatooine had that many moons.

    Wuher: It doesn't... Holy-...

    Aurra: (cuts him off by pointing her rifle at him) Don't you dare.

    Ody: That's no moon; that's a space station!

    Momaw: Shiny ball.

    Aurra: We're heading in.

    (The Man'tisk flies forward to be met with laser blasts)

    Wuher: That thing's fully operational!

    Ody: (sarcastically) No, is it?

    Aurra: Everyone, shut up! We'll just have to destroy it from the inside.

    Wuher: The inside???

    Ody: Girl, you are crazy!

    Momaw: Me too!

    Aurra: Mandrell, Wuher, I'm dropping you two off at the docking bay.

    Wuher: What???

    Aurra: Good luck.

    Ody: Hold on just a-... (is thrown back along with Wuher, rolling to the escape pods, which then launch out to the giant space station)

    Act 3, Scene 7

    (The escape pods skid to a halt in the docking bay and open with a
    hiss)


    Stormtrooper 1: Freeze, dirtbags!

    Stormtrooper 2: Dirtbags?

    Stormtrooper 1: (angry) I always wanted to say that, okay?

    Stormtrooper 2: Okay.

    Ody: You can take away our dignity, but you'll never take our freedom!
    (tackles Stormtrooper 4)

    Stormtrooper 3: He certainly lost his dignity.

    Stormtrooper 2: Didn't we already take away everybody's freedom? There is that whole rule-the-galaxy-with-an-iron-fist thing.

    Wuher: D'oh! (slaps himself in the forehead)

    Act 3, Scene 8

    (Ody and Wuher are brought to Moff Barkin by Stormtroopers 1-4)

    Moff Barkin: Good evening, gentlemen.

    Ody: Some gentleman you are! How rude can you be, not even showing up for your own face-off!

    Wuher: (looking around) What is this thing anyways?

    Moff Barkin: I have come to call it... THE DEATH STAR VERSION -3!! (laughs maniacally)

    Wuher and Ody: Negative Three?

    Moff Barkin: Well, it can only destroy stuff a city at a time. The city I will destroy today is Mos Eisley!

    Wuher: No!

    Moff Barkin: Yes!

    Wuher: Bummer.

    Moff Barkin: Perhaps I will show mercy if you can conquer... (a spotlight shines down on a previously pitch black area of the room, revealing a bar) ... THE DEATH BAR!

    Evil Bartender: (from behind bar) Bring it.

    Wuher: (gasps)

    Moff Barkin: You must create a better drink than that of my Iron Bartender for me to not destroy your pathetic city!
     
  12. Keeper_of_Swords

    Keeper_of_Swords Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Sep 20, 2003
    Well thought out.
     
  13. amidalachick

    amidalachick FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 5 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    Ah, Tony. He hails from the Italian portion of the galaxy.


    I kinda figured that. ;)

    That was another funny post, anyways. I especially like the stormtroopers' dignity/freedom bit. :)

     
  14. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Replies! Hoorah!

    Ahem. I've regained control now.

    Keeper_of_Swords: Welcome to the thread! Readers coming out of the woodwork all at once, it seems. I can dig it.

    amidalachick: I kinda figured that.
    I guess I did become Captain Obvious there. Oh well.

    And now, back to the show.

    ******

    Act 3, Scene 9

    (The Man'tisk enters a trench. Cut to interior of Man'tisk)

    Aurra: (frustrated) There has to be a weakness around here somewhere!

    Momaw: Baaa.
    (Another ship appears and chases after the Man'tisk. Cut to interior of that shuttle)

    Stormtrooper 2: Can I help?

    Stormtrooper 1: No!! You'll mess everything up! Everything!

    Stormtrooper 2: I'm sorry.

    Stormtrooper 1: (pulls a trigger, launching a missile at the Man'tisk)
    That was your warning, Man'tisk! Now land your ship peacefully and we'll blow you into so many shards of metal, not even a tractor beam will be able to salvage you!

    Aurra: (Man'tisk interior, sarcastically) Oh, that's great incentive!

    Momaw: (to Aurra) Can I help?

    Aurra: No way, Nadon! With you, helping us is helping them!

    Momaw: I'm gonna help! (grabs commlink) Monorail, monorail, monorail, monorail, monorail, monorail,... (cut to shuttle interior)

    Stormtrooper 1: Auggh!

    Stormtrooper 2: Make it stop, please! Make it stop!

    Stormtrooper 1: That's it! (hits trigger over and over, sending a barrage of missiles at the Man'tisk)

    Aurra: Blast it!

    Act 3, Scene 10

    (Wuher and Evil Bartender take their places at the bar to do battle)

    Ody: Go, Wuher! (waves a flag with "Hurrah for Wuer" printed on it)

    Wuher: (to Ody) It's spelled with an "H!"

    Ody: (looks at flag quizzically and rewrites it "Whuer")

    Moff Barkin: The secret ingredient is... (whips a blanket dramatically from a tank) ...Kir'ka fruit.

    Evil Bartender: What the-...

    Moff Barkin: (to Evil Bartender) Quiet, this is a family program.

    Wuher: (cracks knuckles) It's clobberin' time.

    Act 3, Scene 11

    (About thirty missiles all fly past the Man'tisk, which doesn't even maneuver)

    Stormtrooper 1: Way to go, stupid!

    Stormtrooper 2: What?
    (The Man'tisk and shuttle are heading straight for each other. Dramatically switch between the Man'tisk heading on and the shuttle coming in the other way until they pass each other in slow-mo. Aurra pops out of the Man'tisk and fires a bazooka thing. The projectile blasts almost straight
    up and falls down on top of the shuttle. The shuttle explodes and Stormtrooper 1 and Stormtrooper 2 fall down to the trench floor and skid to a halt)


    Stormtrooper 2: Uh oh. Moff Barkin won't be happy about this.

    Stormtrooper 1: No thanks to you!

    Stormtrooper 2: (smacks Stormtrooper 1) You're quite wordy for a stormtrooper.

    Stormtrooper 1: How dare you unjustly punish me!

    Stormtrooper 2: Be quiet, you schlemiel.

    Act 3, Scene 12

    (The Evil Bartender presents his drink to several Imperial officers and Wuher does the same. The Imperial officers take sips of Wuher's drink and write some notes. The Imperial officers take sips of Evil Bartender's drink and simultaneously spit it out)

    Moff Barkin: No!! Oh, fine. You win.

    Wuher: Yes! (to Ody) Who's the man?

    Ody: (glares at Wuher grumpily due to the fact that he is drenched in purple liquid)

    Moff Barkin: But I'll still destroy your city! (The Imperial officers flip up the tabletop to reveal several keyholes)

    Wuher: (his smile turns upside-down)

    Stormtrooper 5: (to Moff Barkin) Are you sure that's fair?

    Moff Barkin: (to Stormtrooper 5) Silence! (to the Imperial officers) Destroy the city! Destroy Mos Eisley!

    Ody: (to Moff Barkin) Out of curiousity, WHY?

    Moff Barkin: We're sick and tired of flying aces coming out of that dustball of a planet anyway! (The Imperial officers insert their keys, opening up a hatch near M
     
  15. amidalachick

    amidalachick FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 5 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2003
    Hmmm...the stormtroopers always give me an eerie feeling that I'm reading about/watching the Canadian military in action...

    I can't wait for the bonus scene that has nothing to do with anything! I love those! :D

     
  16. The_Face

    The_Face Ex-Manager star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 22, 2003
    Canadian military? You're not exactly painting me a good picture of the North's safety. I like Canada a lot actually; you guys lent us your tank once. 8-} I'm just kidding. It's all in good fun.

    Speaking of fun, here's where Wuher gets his bar back and some people live happily for at least two weeks after.

    ******

    Act 3, Scene 13

    (Wuher, Ody, Momaw, and Aurra are sitting in what is once again Wuher's bar)

    Wuher: The drinks are on me!

    Aurra: (puts gun away) I had already planned on that.

    Ody: I need a glass.

    Wuher: (turns and yells at Stormtrooper 1 and Stormtrooper 2) Hurry up with those dishes, will ya?

    Stormtrooper 1: Revenge will be ours.

    Stormtrooper 2: Pass the Dawn.

    Wuher: (to the other heroes) I propose a toast. To friends! (the
    others put up their glasses, except for Ody, who just pantomimes it.)


    Ody and Aurra: To friends.

    Momaw: Happy birthday, dear Bob Hope!! Happy birthday to you! (camera swings to Darth Vader at a table)

    Darth Vader: BARKIN!!!!!!
    (several Ewoks walk onstage and start singing and playing the Cantina song with Yub as the only word)

    Ewok Chef: (attempts to pick up a saxophone)
    (camera cuts to the heroes again before the credits roll)


    Act 3, Scene 14

    (Credits roll as well as "THE END" before Aurra is shown reading a newspaper in a landspeeder passenger seat, Wuher driving, and Ody and Momaw in back)

    Aurra: I can't believe this! We're still not even in the Bothawui Weakling!

    Ody: Weekly.

    Aurra: I know. You'd think there would at least be some sort of expanded universe recognition!

    Momaw: Yub yub.

    Wuher: (smiles and drives on)

    THE END

    Bonus DVD Scene

    (Four clonetroopers sit in an AT-TE, being transported to the Battle of Geonosis)

    Clonetrooper 1: So, uh... what's your favorite food?

    Clonetrooper 2: (looks up from his Oprah magazine) ...Bacon.

    Clonetrooper 3: Me too.

    Clonetrooper 4: Hey, yeah, bacon's good.

    (They sit silently)

    Clonetrooper 2: Who else likes Julia Child?

    (All the clones raise their hands, the pilot peers in)

    Clone Pilot: Count me in on that!

    (The pilot returns to command of the AT-TE, the clones sit silently for a few more beats)

    Clonetrooper 1: Uh... I have a joke I made up a week ago. An Ithorian walks into a cantina...

    Clonetrooper 3: I made that one up a week ago!

    Clonetrooper 2: Me too!

    Clonetrooper 4: You guys all stole my idea!

    (They stew silently)

    Clonetrooper 3: Is the Naboo senator hot or what?

    Clonetrooper 4: Totally.

    Clonetrooper 2: She's great.

    Clonetrooper 1: (to Clonetrooper 3) Stole the words from my mouth, Unit 1138.

    (Jango Fett flies to the side of the AT-TE on his jetpack, son in tow)

    Jango: Somebody mention bacon?

    Boba: I love bacon. Julia Child did a whole show on bacon once.

    Clonetrooper 2: Really? Awesome.

    Clonetrooper 4: Yeah.

    Jango: Nice talking to you fellows.

    Clonetrooper 3: Right back at ya.

    (Jango shoots all the troopers)

    Jango: Nyah nyah! (flies on before dropping Boba)

    Boba: (lands on feet unhurt)

    Jango: I have to go get my head handed to me by Mace Windu.

    Boba: Have fun, pops. (cue giant shaak falling in background)

    ******

    Well, there you have it. I hope you've had a bacon-licious time with the auxilary Star Wars characters whose adventures had no serious effect on Star Wars continuity. [face_waving]
     
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