[AFD 2008] how do i get people to stop reading my storys

i dont want to get anybody mad but i don't really get it

everytime i post a new fic i get these replys from people i dont even know. when they post they say stuff about the story and good job adn things

this never happind to me on any other site

how do i get them to stop?

 

Welcome to the boards!

I have to say that we are really big on replying to authors around here and I'm not sure what to do about that. A few suggestions:

Write about characters that nobody recognizes. Readers won't know what to say because they won't know who you're talking about.

Write in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. That seems to bother people.

Kill your protagonist in the first chapter. You won't have anywhere to go after that and readers will stop responding.

Don't use NOUNS or VERBS. They're entirely overrated.

I hope that helps!

 

Oh man, I have one I want to say so badly, but probably would get in trouble for.

 

Hi ophelia!

This is a problem a lot of people deal with. Some suggestions would be to try running all your paragraphs together. Ideally all your sentences too. You know what, spacesbetweenwordsarentreallynecessaryeither

Anything you can do to butcher grammar and spelling would be helpful really. Be also sure to be as mean to anyone who tries to read your fic as possible without getting banned by the fascists.

Best of luck, ophelia. There's some good advice in here that'll have you well on your way.

 

Definitely good advice about not getting banned by the fascists. I'd take it if I were you.

 

ophelia, you are wel on your way. not capitizing i or the beginings of sentence and making sure you dont check for speelling errors is great. keep on doing thatt and you have it maid!

 

Try writing unpopular pairings, unnecessary OCs (also Mary Sues), posting on the wrong board, starting stupid threads on the resource board, whining, and proclaiming the awesomeness of your story in the thread title.

 

I suggest creating a sock, and continue posting your stories in the same thread as 'unauthorized fanfic of the fanfic' with a completely different style...

 

Lots of "ums" and "then, like" type words.

 

i fnd tht if u typ lyk ur txtg, tht is gr8 2. u no?

 

I have plenty of experience with this and these are all true suggestions from either my stories or reading, ahem, certain people's works:

1. Write about the death sentence. All your Eastern European readers will either flee for their lives or stick around the thread to argue with you, not read the story.
2. Write a perky character named Op Helia. Make her look like you. Make her go from ________'s unnaturally hot apprentice to ___________'s unnaturally hot wife within one post. Continue until the toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean.
3. Write a long post with a weird cliffhanger. Within ten minutes, lock the thread and say it's because not enough people read your stuff.
4. Write a one-shot story that is three paragraphs long and contains no punctuation.
5. Write about the war in Iraq as it would happen in the GFFA. Every military officer or military mom on the boards will despise you.
6. Kill Padme. No joke. I did this once and had five people boycott the story.

 

The judicial (and by "judicial", I of course mean "completely arbitrary") use of parenthetical author's notes throughout a story is quite effective in throwing readers off the fanfic bandwagon. Just fyi.

 

Actually I think the fact the links are missing for the "story" boards seem to be missing is a good start. This is why the Empire Banned April Fool's Day.

 

Omit all punctuation including quotation marks They are useless and detract from the story you are trying to tell

 

I find writing a story up to the point of crisis and then leaving my readers hanging for 4-5 years always works for me. Of course then you have to deal with the threatening PM's. *sigh*

 

Write chapter 1 of a story and then wait 2 years to write chapter 2.

 

Jade Pilot's been spying on me!!!! That's the only thing that'll get me to stop. I bump and up and send PM's at least twice, then even I give up. And when it's a Luke/Mara story, whoo!! It's either at the point of crisis or the point of mush, which leaves me all kinds of frustrated. Except it doesn't have to be four to five years, sometimes four to five weeks is tooooo long.

 

Call your readers poopyheads. They'll stop reading - not because you insulted them, but because they're so horrified that someone actually resorted to so silly an insult.

Make each story post so long that people have no choice but to say "tl, dr."

 

No matter what, turn the conversation around to YOU and YOUR writing. The whole galaxy revolves are you, after all, and don't let them forget it. Talk about yourself, yourself, yourself. No matter what. Talk about your own work even when replying to others' stories. Do this repeatedly. Eventually everyone will get sick of you.

 

Don't update, but leave excuses for the weirdest things for not writing. "I was going to write, but the temperature dropped .5 degrees and I had to go to a therapist to cope my cousin's ex-boyfriend's dog's yoga instructor's comma splices in her Master's thesis. Sorry! I know it's been 9 months!"

Oh, and my favorite: Update your story once a year in time for the awards eligibility, say you have no time and meanwhile write an epic on another board and hope no one notices.

 

Post the entire story in 1337-speak.

Then again, lazy did that once, and I loved it. But I think I was part of a very small minority who actually read the original version.

 

Post the entire story in 1337-speak.

Even better, post it lolcats style!

"i r in ur fic, makin ur charactrz do stuf" or something along those lines.

 

Write all dialogue in Valley Girl...oh, wait, that gets me more readers.

 

For me, from a reader standpoint, I find incredible out-of-characterness and an inordinate about of bad writing usually does the trick in turning me away.

 

Oops, their back. Very good, carry on then.