Before Alone (Xanatos' pov, one shot, character death) Author replies 06/30/05

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Neon Star, Jun 17, 2005.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    Title: Alone
    Timeframe: Before Saga
    Genre: Angst
    Characters: Xanatos
    Summery: Xanatos thinks as he dies.

    This is just another of the vignettes I wrote a while back. Its depressing, and possibly a little AU, just to warn you. The flow of the story might seem off as well, which is mostly intention.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Alone

    My blood runs across the white stone, not staying long enough to stain as the rain washes it away. The stairs are digging into my back, yet I can?t move. I?m turning cold, not just because of the rain, but because the warmth is seeping out of the wound in my chest.

    He struck hard, and he struck deep. Now I am dying, growing numb under the falling rain, alone. It?s a sad way to die, a horrible way. No one should die alone, or so I was always taught. But that traitor left me here to die like this. Sith take him, what did he expect from this? Revenge? Please, death is preferable to living now. My company? Sorry, but only I can truly run it, and its falling apart anyways. Simply because I was stupid enough to let my guard down? Perhaps, he is simple minded enough to think in those terms.

    In a way, however, I think I committed suicide by just doing that? I have never trusted him, yet I turned my back on him. Yes? I unwittedly committed suicide. Was my wish for death so strong? Perhaps.

    But I didn?t wish to die like this. I wanted someone here, even that fool. Having an enemy laugh as your life spills from you is preferable to the emptiness of knowing there is no one there. It is depressing, as if all you have done in your life has had no impact on others, and you will only be forgotten. One can?t help thinking that, even if it isn?t true.

    I wonder if he will grieve? My so-called former Master. Will he shed even silent tears on my behalf? I think not. The man should hate me, after all. Just as I supposedly hate him.

    It?s not true, though. I realized that some time ago. Not that I would ever tell him. No, I am far too prideful for that. Sometimes I wish I was not, but it is something that cannot be helped. Even if it has led me to this lonely death.

    The discomfort in my back is fading; soon I won?t be able to feel it, just as I can?t feel the bleeding wound in my chest. The numbness will claim me slowly, and soon the darkness will fall over my eyesight. What will be at the other side? I don?t know, though, a little part of me is afraid.

    My eyes close, my mind wonders. Vaguely, I imagine my young son, safely hidden on some world far away. I can see the sun shine on his raven hair, the reflection of intelligence too great for a child his age in his brilliant midnight blue eyes. I hope he is happy, or at least, is well.

    I was never a father to him? So obsessed in my revenge that I neglected him, and his poor mother. Dear woman, I never loved her as I should have, but I hope I compensated somewhat for that by providing for her and our child.

    If I had such a chance, perhaps I would have changed my ways. But what I did, I cannot reverse now?

    I hope my child never finds out how I truly died. He has born enough without knowing his father just released himself to death over a stupid mistake. Yet, what if he gets it wrong? What if he blames the Jedi? What if he believes the rumors that I died three years ago on Telos?

    Then he may become like me, obsessed with getting revenge. I pray not, I would not have my child take upon himself this burden.

    But I won?t be able to stop him, if that is what happens. I can almost feel the tears try to rise at that, but nothing comes. My tears all dried up years go.

    I wish I had just a little more time, just to prevent that. Concoct some other story then that of my unfortunate encounter with acid. Anything that would take the blame away from Qui-gon?and my little replacement.

    Because I know, in what?s left of my blackened heart, that Obi-wan would be the one to pay the price, not Qui-gon. I do not know how I know this, but for as long as I can remember, I always felt the aura of death around my former Master. It was always faint
  2. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4

    Not as depressing as insightful
    perhaps Xanatos didn't hate as much as he thought he did.

    Quite interesting.
  3. salem-aubrey Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 14, 2005
    Who ever thought that I, Xanatos of Telos, would die such a pitiful death, alone, and with regrets?

    My life starts to wane, yet, just before my heart ceases to beat, I think I can hear Qui-gon desperately calling my name. Then all fades.

    Perhaps I wasn?t alone after all.


    Aubrey: So sad, yet so sweet at the end.

    Salem: :_| I need a tissue.

    Both: Bravo, Neon!
    =D=
    @};-
  4. Siaynoqsbride Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 17, 2005
    star 4
    Awww... so sad, yet so gorgeous... loved the last line... [face_love] :_|
  5. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
    That was wonderfully written. I was particulary touched by his thoughts about Granta and hoping he didn't up bitter with revenge like his father. Also loved the touch at the end, that maybe Qui-Gon was with him in the end. :)
  6. Phoenix_Reborn Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 23, 2003
    star 4
    :):( Poor Xan and poor Granta.

    Wonderful job Neon. Thanks for sharing!
  7. Altaira Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 11, 2002
    star 4
    Good reflections of what he cannot change and hopes. I imagine the moments before death will be the longest. I really liked him knowing Qui-Gon was like a star. The light echoing long after is really a nice thought. :)

    ...while the darkness in me laughs
    Good touch with not being able to deny who he is.

    I?m glad he has a last bit of kindness with hearing Qui-Gon

    Although it doesn?t matter to his last moments and thoughts... I could not stop myself from wondering who killed him?! Sitting here watching Hitchcock and my brain wandered a bit twisted myself. Has his darkside made him a split personality and he killed himself? :D Not putting any lightness on this. Nice piece, and full of the regrets Xan would feel over his life. Good to see he found a conscious and a few seconds of comfort at the end. :(
  8. PadawanEstel Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 23, 2004
    star 1
    :eek: Wow... that was amazing! I loved how you brought the human-ness( :confused: ) into his charachter when he was thinking about his son and regretting some of his past behaviors. Also loved this paragraph:
    Because I know, in what?s left of my blackened heart, that Obi-wan would be the one to pay the price, not Qui-gon. I do not know how I know this, but for as long as I can remember, I always felt the aura of death around my former Master. It was always faint, but there, as if signaling that his life would be like a star?s, brief, growing brighter and more intense throughout the years, till it exploded, its light echoing long after it has succumbed to darkness.
    :_| Sad and true, poor all 3 of them! :(
  9. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    Gkilkenny: True, it was more insightful. And perhaps you?re right about that. Thank you. :)

    salem-aubrey: *Hands over tissue* Thank you, I?m glad it was both sad and sweet. :)

    Siaynoqsbride: Thank you, I am glad that it was so, and that you loved the ending. :)

    obi_ew: Thank you. :) Too bad Xan?s thoughts and hopes for Granta are in vain, huh? And I?m glad I chose wisely then on the ending. I was originally going to end it on a dark note, but lost the heart to at the last moment.

    Phoenix_Reborn: I know, it?s sad for both. Thank for your comments, and always glad to share. :D

    Altaira: I have to admit, your comment on a split personality was rather funny. Heh And just perhaps he did. ;) I imagine such moments are as well. I am happy you liked all those points within it and thank you for your comments. :)

    PadawanEstel: I am pleased that you thought it was so good. Thank you, I tried to make Xan seem as human as possible in his last few moments. And true, it is sad for all three. Glad you loved that paragraph. :)
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.