An easier way to rescue Han?

REBELS V. JABBA: A ten minute mini-movie, or STAR WARS EPISODE 5.75: BEYOND THE SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE

EXT. SPACE -- TATOOINE

The Rebels make a show of force in orbit over Tatooine. 27 Rebel ships, drawn away from the strategic rendevous at Sullis, take up positions with their ion cannons and planetsmashing turbolasers aimed at the insignificantly tiny structure known as Jabba's Palace.

Princess Leia messages the Hutt. "Give us Han. We'll give you 80 zillion credits and also his ship, the Millennium Falcon."

Jabba sends a message back. "Dae wanna wonga. I'm rich enough as it is. Go screw."

Leia waits 5 minutes before issuing another missive. "Give us Han or we'll blast your house, your henchmen and your entire organization into so much sunbaked dust. You have 20 minutes."

Jabba sends a message back. "Dae wanna wa-go. Do your worst. If you blow up my palace, Han will die too, and you'll never have any chance to rescue him in some sort of covert, Jedi-directed operation, resulting in my death and the annihilation of the machinery of my syndicate, and the safe reclamation of your ex-scoundrel boyfriend."

Leia gives the order to fire up the turbolasers and charge the ion capacitors. 15 minutes pass... 17... 18 1/2.... She begins the countdown, eerily similar to the one in the first movie involving the Death Star and her shattered homeworld. The look of regret, of emotional agony, is written on her face. What else can she do? It's too late to devise some sort of covert, Jedi-directed operation, resulting in Jabba's death and the annihilation of the machinery of his syndicate, and the safe reclamation of her ex-scoundrel boyfriend. Far too late for that.

She gives the order to fire... when suddenly, a fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers appears on the radar screen! That nefarious Jabba the Hutt must have called them in from some nearby hyperspace locale, where they were waiting in the event of just such a Rebel assault! The Imperials are not close enough to fire on the Rebel fleet, but if Leia spends the next 30 seconds to a minute barraging the Tatooine surface with ionic blasts, the Imperial ships will certainly have caught up to the Rebels' position! Even if the Imperials are only partially susccessful, putting a few precious rebel vessels out of commission or (gasp!) destroying a few of them outright, the Imperials will have compromised the enormous Rebel effort that has been amassing for months: a planned attack on the still-secret Death Star II!

Leia calls off the attack on the Palace, and aims the cannons and turbolasers at the on-coming Imperial vessels instead. They fire, blasting a few ships out of the sky before the Rebels are able to turn tail and flee, jumping into hyperspace, heading back to the Rebel rendezvous at Sullus.

Leia hangs her head in regret. There can be no covert rescue ops now, Jedi-directed or otherwise. Jabba will be expecting it. They'll never get in, never rescue Han, never put him into a command position where he is likely to, say, dismantle the shield of the DSII, allowing a team of fighters to enter the core of the space station and blow it up from the inside. Never!!! Boo hoo. The Rebels lose. THE END.

Iris out. Music up. Roll credits.

 

Straight hilarious Vortigern