"Anchor" (Jaina's thoughts in a letter, NJO, major angst viginette)

This is just a viginette. I heard some horrific rumours regarding "Destiny's Way", and I wrote this in response to that. It takes place post-DW.

This is Jaina, writing a letter to someone she lost.

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"Anchor" by DantanaSkywalker


My love,

The winter here is cold. It's so bitter, I can't step outside without covering all exposed skin. It's like Hoth, only with negative humidity. Why am I even here? I suspect that it helps numb the pain.

I can't believe you're gone. I never realised, until I felt you leave, what your presence in my life meant to me. You were the anchor against a raging tide in my life. Jag tries to be that, but I find I can't let him. He won't replace you, no matter how he tries. It just isn't in him.

I find myself stopping, staring into space, wondering where you are, what you're thinking. If you miss me like I miss you. I can't believe I managed to avoid what I feel for so long. It's like that old saying, you never know what you've got 'til it's gone. I know now, and I wish I could have known before. Before, when I could have done something about it.

I feel helpless, drifting, pulled down by the undertow. I can't breathe, and I'm drowning in the grief. I thought it was bad when Anakin passed on, and when I thought Jacen was dead. But you . . .

Did you ever know, ever suspect how I felt? I know you felt something for me. I don't know how deeply your feelings ran, because I was afraid, and I hid from the truth. I suspect what I feel is merely a reflection of the depth of your love, because . . . you're not here because of me. I watched you leave me, felt you torn away from me, and knew that you would still be here if it weren't for me. Would I have done the same for you? I don't know. And I will never know, because I will never have the chance to find out.

It's not fair. It's not! Knowing that you died to let me live is morbidly noble, but there are moments when I don't want to live if I don't have you. That negates the sacrifice you made. But all I want is you. And I can't have you. I can't have you, because you're dead. You're dead because you loved me. It's ironic, that I can't love you for the simple reason that you loved me. Do you love me still, wherever you are?

These thoughts are mangled, tortured things spinning around in my brain. Their sharp edges cut me until my soul bleeds. But I can't stop them. Since the day I saw you fall, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I owe my life to you, and I can't repay the debt.

Someone once told me that nothing happens without a reason. But I don't see the reason for this. You died to save me. I live to torture myself with thoughts until I almost wish I hadn't been saved. I wonder if there was anything I could have done to save you, and we could be together. I've gone over it a million times in my mind, and I can't find a single way I could have saved you, other than to die myself. We still wouldn't have been together.

Maybe, maybe if I hadn't lied to myself for so long, maybe we would have had time. Even just a short while, in which I could have known you. Known you more deeply than I let myself.

In a way, though, I did. In the moments before you died, I knew you. I knew you the way Aunt Mara knows Uncle Luke. Did you know me, too?

I have a fantasy in my mind. I don't know if it actually happened, or if it's a fever-dream. I was badly wounded. That's why you saved me. Gave the others a chance to get me away. I was sick for a long time. I spent two weeks in bacta. But that's beside the point. The point is, I don't know what's real, and what isn't. Did I imagine that you kissed me in the darkness, when we were talking before that last, fateful battle? Did you hold me, or is that a wishful memory, falsely implanted while I was near death?

A part of me knows it's true, that I didn't imagine it. I have my reasons, and those reasons are becoming my anchor. I have to live now, so that you live on. I don't know why I let

 

Wow, that was awesome!!! And so sad!! Poor Jaina! I hope they did kiss in the darkness before the final battle. Nice short, Dana!

Jae Angel

 

Yay, a response! Thanks. I just spent the last twenty minutes typing that. It was rather emotionally draining, even moreso than the argument between Luke and Dana in "Aftershock".

I tried to imply that there was more than a kiss, but I don't know if I did very well.

Dana

 

AAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was wonderful! So good! I loved it!

Poor Jaina! Poor Kyp!

 

Very emotional. I really hope that Kyp doesn't die in Destiny's Way. I'm actually J/J lover, but I still like Kyp. Kyp doesn't deserve to die!!

 

I really, really, really, really, REALLY hope Kyp doesn't die in the next book, like so many people are saying. I'll be mad if he does.

I almost want to make this the prequel to something, but I don't know. I've already got three J/K stories I'm posting here, and another two in the works on my computer.

Dana

 

Although a J/J fan, Kyp is one of my favorite characters. Possibly second only to R2-D2.

 

Shamelessy bumping my own 'fic.

Dana

 

ow wow, that was soooooooo sad!

But really really good!

 

awwwww . . . i agree with you Dantana, i dont want Kyp to die. i may be a J/J fan but I like Kyp as a character now. that was so sad.

very sad.

 

awe that was so sad I hope they don't kill off Kyp. I will be so angry if they do.

 

Kyp and Jaina fans: GO CHECK THE JAGGED FEL VS KYP DURRON THREAD OVER ON EU ***RIGHT NOW***!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a post by Jaded Skywalker. She talked to the author of DW, and . . . Go check it out!!!!

Dana

 

yeah i read that too. ok kyp fans, it's not time to let the tears flow YET. i mean, we NEVER know what these authors are going to throw at us.
Very Good Dana, made me cry, ive been doing that alot since i finished traitor. Mabey only then will she realize that she loves him. but i hope it will be sooner than that.

Jez

 

This was good, though a little too sad for my taste...

Kyp may survive, because WJW said the J/J/K thing will not be resplved in DW...