Amph And now for something completely different: Official MONTY PYTHON Fanclub

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT


[image=http://www.pythonsite.de/bbc/nudge.jpg]

Man: 'Evening, squire!

Squire: (stiffly )Good evening.

Man: Is, uh,... Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes 'goes', yes.

Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, know whatahmean, nudge nudge?

Squire: (confused )I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good!
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Squire: Are you, uh,... are you selling something?

Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay?

(pause)

Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

Squire: Well, I, uh....

Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?

Squire: Um, she likes sport, yes!

Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!

Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.

Man:'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?

Squire: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale.

(pause)

Man: SAY NO MORE!! Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!

Squire: I wasn't going to!

Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in... photography, ay? 'Photographs, ay', he asked him knowlingly?

Squire: Photography?

Man: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

Squire: Holiday snaps, eh?

Man: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography?

Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?

Squire: Look... are you insinuating something?

Man: Oh, no, no, no... yes.

Squire: Well?

Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.

Squire: Yes...

Man: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh... You've 'done it'...

Squire: What do you mean?

Man: Well, I mean like,... you've SLEPT, with a lady...

Squire: Yes...

Man: What's it like?

 

LMAO.

 

Perkins: So, it'll, uh? it'll just grow back again, will it?
Dr. Livingstone: Ah? I think I'd? better come clean with you about this. It's, um? it's? not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call "very, very small". So small, it could not possibly have made off with the whole leg. What we're looking here for is, I think ? and this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear ? is some multicellular life form with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth about eleven foot long, and of the genus felis horribilis ? what we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.
Ainsworth, Pakenham-Walsh, Perkins: [in unison] A tiger?
[Outside, the British troops and the Zulus cease fighting.]
British Troops, Zulus: A tiger?
[As the Zulus flee, the British troops collapse to the ground. Back in the medical tent?]
Pakenham-Walsh: A tiger, in Africa?
Ainsworth: Hmm?
Pakenham-Walsh: A TIGER, IN AFRICA?!
Ainsworth: Ah, well, it- it has? probably escaped from a zoo.
Pakenham-Walsh: Doesn't sound very likely to me.



[image=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v728/TheBoogieMan/iii-tige.jpg]

 

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI:
Ni!

[image=http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/grail/inlines/13_ni.jpg]

KNIGHTS OF NI:
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR:
Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT:
We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM:
Ni!
ARTHUR:
No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT:
The same!
BEDEVERE:
Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT:
We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM:
Neee-wom!
ARTHUR:
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
HEAD KNIGHT:
The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.

[image=http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/grail/inlines/13_headk.jpg]

ARTHUR:
Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT:
Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT:
We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR:
Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT:
We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:
A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY:
Ow! Oh!
ARTHUR:
Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:
You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
ARTHUR:
O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:
One that looks nice.
ARTHUR:
Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT:
And not too expensive.
ARTHUR:
Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT:
Now... go!

 

Best curses ever.

[image=http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/grail/large/HolyGrail054.jpg]

French soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it?

Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

French soldier: Zis is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

French soldier: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't sink 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got one, you see?

Arthur: What?

Lancelot: He says they've already got one!

Arthur: (confused) Are you sure he's got one?

French soldier: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs. (to the other soldiers I told 'em we've already got one! (they snicker)

Arthur: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?

French soldier: Of course not! You are English types.

Arthur: Well, what are you then?

French soldier: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly king?!

Galahad: What are you doing in England?

French soldier: Mind your own business!

Arthur: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!

French soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!

(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his
tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)

Galahad: What a strange person.

Arthur: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--

French soldier: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

French soldier: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

(pause)

Arthur: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....

French soldier: (to four other soldiers, standing behind him on the rampart) Fetchez la vache.

Other Soldier: Quoi?

French soldier: Fetchez la vache!

(the other soldiers are seen leading a cow... mooing noises)

Arthur: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--

(Boing! The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart...)

Arthur: Jesus Christ!

(...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen. Various crying-outs from Arthur's party.)

Arthur: (determined) Right! (drawing sword) CHARGE!

Rest of Arthur's Party: CHAAAARGE!

[image=http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/grail/large/HolyGrail061.jpg]

 

Aaaaahh! Run away! Run away!

 

This is my personal favorite:

M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
[image=http://www.monty-pythons.com/album/Episode_29/11-argument-clinic-03.jpg]
Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.

 

Neverending Argument!

 

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http://www.hollywood.com/news/detail/id/3466912

 

oh Gof I hope he was joking [face_shocked]

 

No, I can't believe he'd say that. Probably bunch of crap.

It's true that they were reluctant to answer the questions whether they'd do something together. In fact, they were offered to do a tour around Britain and US, but it was Michael Palin who first said "no". They say so in the document "30 years of Monty Python" which I have on my computer. And Terry Gilliam literally said: "What worries me is that there's a standard we'll be measured by, it's the one we set. And that's dangerous. And I think there's nothing more embarrassing than a bunch of middle-aged old ****s trying to recreate the halcyon days of Monty Python."

But I just can't believe he'd say something like that in that article...

 

If he did say it, he was almost certainly joking. Some media group has just missed the joke.

 

Yeah, that's right, I forgot. Yeah, that WOULD sound like a typical Python irony...

 

You're probably right..... I'm betting that he did say it as a joke, and this particular reporter took it and ran...

 

Love Life of Brian & Holy Grail, plus the Monty Python show itself.

I think my favourite animation from the show was "Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth", all set to jaunty rag-time music.

[image=http://www.pages.drexel.edu/~jg95/graphics/avatars/100/conrad_poohs.gif]

 

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT


Commentator: Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park.You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you.

(I couldn't find the Eric Idle Twit )
Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene.
[image=http://www.jumpstation.ca/recroom/comedy/python/images/twit2.gif]
Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp.
[image=http://www.clubs.psu.edu/up/python/events/twitoftheyear/images/twit1.jpg]
Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker.
[image=http://www.jumpstation.ca/recroom/comedy/python/images/twit1.gif]
Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket.
And finally [image=http://www.jumpstation.ca/recroom/comedy/python/images/twit3.gif]
Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit.


Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today.
Now they're under starter's orders...
and they're off.

[image=http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_pictures/compdiff/uppercla.jpg]

Ah no, they're not. No they didn't realize they were supposed to start. Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All set to go.

(starter fires gun again and the twits move offer in different directions)

Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start this year.
Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they're coming into their first test, the straight line.

(All the Twits run erratically along five white lines)

They've got to walk along this straight line without failing over and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's coming through quite fast on theoutside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No. Three, I'm sorry, and on theoutside there's Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the position...

(the twits approach a line of matchboxes piled three high)

Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump... three layers of matchboxes to clear... and Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime -
if only his father could understand. Here's Nigel... and now Gervaise is over he's, er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there.he goes, Nigel's over, beautifully. Now it's only Oliver. Oliver... and Gervaise...oh bad luck. And now it's Kicking the Begar.

(the twits are kicking a beggar with a tray)

Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian's there. Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here tie comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l, Vivian a, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear. Ah there's Oliver...

(Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes)

...there's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy, lie doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there's Gervaise

(He is still kicking the beggar)

and he's putting the boot in there and he's got the beggar down and the steward's giving him a little bit of advice, yes, he can move on now, he can move on to the Hunt Photograph. He's off, Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes.

(the twits approach a table with two attractive girl

 

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Has anyone here seen either "Monty Python: Live at the Hollywood Bowl" or "Monty Python: Live at Aspen"?

 

Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort.

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay Gessiah?

Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah.

Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?

MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

GC: A cup ' COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TG: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."

EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!

MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.

GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake!

TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.

MP: Cardboard box?

TG: Aye.

MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."

MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope..

 

^^^ I can barely read that sketch without breaking into fits of laughter.

 

Yes, I own Hollywood Bowl on DVD.

 

Yeah. My favourite part is Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."



But anyway, back to my question: Who here has seen Live at Hollywood Bowl or Live at Aspen? 'Cause they're both brilliant.

 

Edited for my own amusement.

 

Anyway.

In "Live at Aspen", the Pythons brought Graham Chapman's funeral urn with them, claiming that Graham was there with them, and set it on a stool in front of them, with a photo of Chapman attached to it. Then they talked for, like, 10 minutes, and then this wonderful thing happened. John Cleese was speaking about their stage tour, how they were doing a show in Bristol and for some reason the audience didn't laugh. And then, all of the sudden, Terry Gilliam crossed his legs and knocked Chapman's urn over, spilling the ashes all over the carpet. The audience just roared with laughter. The host looked genuinly shocked. Of course, it was all staged, but it was so wonderfully done, totally unexpected, the Pythons panicking around, trying to scoop up the ashes (or sweep them under the carpet), and then an assistant came with a small hand vacuum cleaner. It was absolutely hilarious. John Cleese even licked his finger, dipped it into the ashes and tasted it, getting a "You're disgusting!" from Michael Palin. So they finally settled down, brushing the rest of the ashes off their clothes, and John Cleese took a sip of water from his glass and continued, as if nothing happened, "So after about..." and the audience burst into laughter again. It was just brilliant.

 

[image= http://www.pythonland.com/images/mpnews/palinstravels001.jpg]


Press release from the Medical Foundation for the Care of Victims of Torture:



Michael Palin, patron and committed supporter, will be hosting a unique evening on November 27th at the Palace Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue in aid of the Medical Foundation for the Care of Victims of Torture.

As you are all probably aware Michael has recently returned from an amazing expedition in the Himalayas where, over 125 days, he visited 6 countries covering 3,000 miles and contracting three illnesses. This was a fantastic challenge for Michael, both mentally and physically. With the opportunity to visit some of the political flash points of southern and central Asia including the Pakistani border, the disputed region of Kashmir, Tibet and Nagaland. Whilst at the same time capturing images of some of the most amazing scenery in the world.

We are delighted that Michael has offered us an evening where he has agreed to share his personal experiences during the expedition including a special slide show of his favourite highlights.

This event will be an inspirational evening perfect for all those budding adventures out there along with the stay at home types that want to see the world, but don?t have the time to spare! To find out more please contact Debra Squires on mailto:events@torturecare.org.uk or ring 0207 697 7788

Ticket prices range from £15 - £100 (£100 gets you drinks with Michael afterwards).