Before - Legends And That's the Tooth (Qui-Gon, Dooku; humor, insane multi-crossover)

Title: And That's the Tooth
Author: Persephone_Kore
Timeframe: Qui-Gon's youth
Characters: Qui-Gon, Dooku, Dr. Wilbur Wonka, Dracula, Saruman, Mouth of Sauron, Fu Manchu, Sherlock Holmes
Genre: Crossover, humor
Keywords: excessive universes, dentist
Summary: Qui-Gon and Dooku are stranded in a strange place and stop for directions. There is a wait to see the dentist.
Notes: This was Dreagoddess's challenge to me: Use as many characters as possible who have at some point been played by Christopher Lee.

***

"Where are we?"

Dooku looked around the curiously flat, silvery landscape and the blowing snow, then pulled up the hood of his cloak and returned his gaze to his padawan. "I haven't the faintest idea."

"I'm sure this isn't what the planet looked like when we landed the ship."

"So am I." Dooku looked back to check that their scanner was still getting a signal from the beacon on their ship, then squinted ahead at a brown shadow with corners. "That may be a building up ahead."

It was. At least, it was part of a building. The edges of the walls looked as if it had been detached from the middle of a much longer one and plonked down in the middle of this odd plain. There was a small sign on the door in an alphabet Qui-Gon wasn't familiar with. Dooku said it was an obscure rendition of Basic, and read that the occupant was a healer, specializing in teeth and named Wonka. He knocked.

Silence.

Dooku knocked again more insistently.

There were footsteps, and then, to Qui-Gon's surprise, the door swung open a crack instead of sliding. A white-bearded man with Dooku's nose peered sternly at them over a pair of lenses. "Do you have an appointment?"

"Yes," Dooku said, "but not here. We were hoping for coordinates and directions--"

"I have several patients here who do have appointments." Wonka looked even more disapproving. "You may come in, but you'll have to wait."

They followed him in. Qui-Gon fumbled with the strange door mechanism, but got it to close. At least it was warm inside, though it smelled strange. Chemicals, smoke... blood.

Wonka left them in a sitting room; through the next door, Qui-Gon glimpsed a man who looked even more like Dooku reclining with his mouth wide open to display elongated canines. He heard Wonka saying, "I don't care if you only drink one thing, you must still--" before the door shut.

He looked around the small sitting room, filled with other people who must be the rest of Healer Wonka's appointments. He decided to avoid the sinister-looking individual examining a tube of lipcolor and wandered over to a man with long, sleek white hair and beard, white robes, a long staff, and a strained expression.

"Hi," he said. "I'm Qui-Gon Jinn." He paused expectantly.

...Except for the hair, this person looked an awful lot like Wonka. He turned a level gaze on Qui-Gon that at first seemed disconcertingly familiar and then grew just plain disconcerting as the weight of centuries descended on it. "Saruman the White." With the staff, the old man gestured to his companion. "This is the Mouth of Sauron."

Qui-Gon had been trying not to look. It wasn't that he was unfamiliar with the being's form; he was too young to have met most of the galaxy's species, and unfamiliar shapes were just new. But injury and infection were a different matter, and the Mouth looked as if Sauron had avoided all forms of dental hygiene for some decades. The rows of teeth were yellow, the breath that emanated from it was foul, and long raw cracks extended from the lips. "I see," Qui-Gon said bravely. "Pleased to meet you."

"If you think this is bad," Saruman said darkly, "you should see his Eye."

Qui-Gon thought Saruman seemed unhappy, but for once in his life he slipped away after as little small talk as he could manage and ended up talking to a detective named Sherlock until Dooku -- who was never, never clumsy and had therefore clearly done it on purpose -- brushed against a door standing slightly ajar and caused it t

 

LOL!!! This was great! Loved all the characters! Poor Qui! Everybody looking like his Master somewhat totally had to be confusing!

Well done!

 

Absolutely wonderful!

 

Insanity!

Excessive universes indeed

 

I loved this! Poor Qui-Gon must have been confused to no end...all the multi-universe Christopher Lee clones are enough to make anybody's head spin.

Something that looked rather like a stick-model of a droideka leaped from an upper shelf to attack him.

Qui-Gon jumped to his feet, reaching for his lightsaber, but there was no blaster-fire. Dooku had already plucked the thing off his shoulders and was holding it by one gangling limb at arm's length. "What is this?" he asked of no one in particular.

Wonka appeared in the other doorway again, looming with fury. "That," he said ominously, "is an orthodontic appliance."

Dooku looked at Wonka, then at the orthodontic appliance, then up at their host again. "Ah," he said politely. "For what species?"

Qui-Gon had no idea why this got them thrown out.

Priceless!

Excellent work!

 

Kynstar: Thank you! And, you know, with a name like Dooku, Wonka isn't all that unlikely... Qui-Gon was mostly all right once he got away from the Mouth of Sauron, but he wasn't too sorry to leave either.

VaderLVR64: I'm glad you liked it!

Layren: Oh, yeah, way too many. And not even as many as there could have been. Glad you enjoyed it!

Star_Foozle: Many thanks. *grin* Qui-Gon thinks this is all very weird, although it probably helps that they're all pretty distinctively dressed and several are older than he's ever seen Dooku.

 

I loved this. It had me laughing out loud.

 

I am so sadly deficient in knowledge of Christopher Lee roles that I still don't know why Qui-Gon and Dooku were thrown out. But when I saw that brilliantly painful pun in the title, I was afraid they were going to get vampire-bit. Very funny!

 

that was hysterical!!

Nice job on this

 

Brilliant. Twisted, but brilliant.

 

Alexis_Wingstar: Thanks! Always glad to amuse.

ardavenport: Heh. Dr. Wonka was offended because the orthodontic appliance was for his son. Who is not there at the time. Glad you enjoyed, and no, no biting. That we know of.

KELIA: *glee* Glad you liked it!]

azizah: Thank you, I try.

 

LOL. That was funny, loved it.

 

Tatooine_Ghost: Thanks!

(I feel awkward replying so soon, but I'm afraid I'll forget and neglect the response otherwise.)