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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Beyond - Legends Armchair Jedi (humor) --- [COMPLETED 7/22] Nom'd for Humor

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Stormtrooper_TK-421, Jul 7, 2005.

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  1. Genimay

    Genimay Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2005
    I d0on't know how you do it...this is wonderful.
     
  2. jedisolo_2

    jedisolo_2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Mar 15, 2005
    Jawa James: NOOO!!!! *dives in slow motion and accidentally swallows the grenade*


    :eek: He swallowed it! [face_laugh] Thats hilarious! I'm gonna expect something from Men in Tights next. LOL.
     
  3. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    Chapter 9


    *After much partying and rejoicing and Anakin making out with Padme?, who now looks good, our four hero?s return home *

    Obi-Wan: What a night!

    Qui-Gon: What beer!

    Anakin: Padme? is awesome! I?m so glad I could resurrect her.

    Obi-Wan: But you did it for your own selfish self, didn?t you? You just wanted to kiss her.

    Anakin: Only because I love her so much, though!

    Obi-Wan: Bah.

    Yoda: Going to check my email, am I. *goes to do that *

    Qui-Gon: Oh, Anakin, will you ever learn?

    Anakin: I am a slow learner.

    Obi-Wan: Like molasses in January.

    Anakin: Yeah, that.

    Yoda: Hmm, discovered something, I have. An email from a fan of ours, yes. Wanted more Callista bashing, they did.

    Obi-Wan: Well, we always try to keep the fans happy. Um?I think Callista was a waste of paper, ink, and time, thus being bad for the environment.

    Qui-Gon: I think her sifting into someone else?s body is very thematic, not to mention graphic. What is this Playboy or Star Wars?

    Anakin: But Qui-Gon ? you?ve never even read that book.

    Qui-Gon: Well it sucked, OK?

    Yoda: Your turn, it is, Anakin.

    Anakin: Hmm? * thinks long and hard* Screw her!!!

    Yoda: *sighs * The best you have, was that?

    Anakin: Um?yeah, pretty much, yeah.

    Yoda: Suck, you do.

    Qui-Gon: But hopefully the fan who desired Callista bashing will be happy now.

    Obi-Wan: Well, it was pretty much the worst bashing of all time ? and I don?t mean that in a good way ? but we tried our best?kinda.

    Anakin: *shrugs * Hey, it?s us. We?re just a bunch of idiots, what do we know?

    Obi-Wan: Well, we?re not *all * idiots, Anakin. Just you are.

    Anakin: I resent that! And ? And - *has a flashback of the Clone Wars * I HATE FRIENDLY FIRE! *pulls out his lightsaber and tries to chop down Obi-Wan *

    Obi-Wan: *leaps back * But I thought you said you hated friendly fire ? I?m your friend!

    Anakin: Oh yeah?Ahem. Sorry about that. *deactivates his blade and clips it to his weapons belt *

    Qui-Gon: Let?s watch some VS! (view screen)

    Anakin: Yip-eee! *runs into the VS room *

    Obi-Wan: *walks in * Hmm, I wonder what we?ve got today.

    VS Reporter Bill Billson: Greetings ? it is I, Bill Billson, breaking the news, not bending it.

    Anakin: But if you break the news how can you tell it? At least when it?s bent you can somewhat recognize it!

    Bill Billson: Today on the news ? There?s a Black Fleet Crisis, and Luke is looking for his mother, whom we all know is Padme?, except for the poor little farm boy. And we can?t tell him either! But here today, we?re going to interview him. Mr. Skywalker, a pleasure to see you today.

    Luke Skywalker: Um, yeah, pleasure to be here. By the way ? do have to use my George Lucas characterization or my Timothy Zahn one?

    Bill Billson: Timothy Zahn.

    Luke Skywalker: [thinks] Screw you, **** *nods stoically * I?m an idiot ? er, I mean, my skills are so weak that this will be a difficult task to complete. Especially without this girl named Sue ? er, I mean, Mara Jade!

    Bill Billson: Who is this Mara Jade? I was told she?s superior to you in every way.

    Luke Skywalker: [thinks] I hate Tim Zahns? guts. [thinks] Yes, she is. And someday I?m going to marry her ? [thinks] Better than Callista, I suppose?at least [thinks] ? because she not only saves my lousy butt on a daily basis, but she helps me take my pills, and helps me change my Pampers.

    Anakin: PILLS!!!

    Bill Billson: Sounds like you two were meant for each other.

    Luke Skywalker: [thinks] I don?t like the idea of marrying Tim Zahn. [thinks] I agree! Destiny will bring us together and we?ll get married?right after I try to find my mother and fail because Mara Jade wasn?t there to hold my hand and take me through it step-by-step.

    Bill Billson: Ah, well, you?ll have to know how that expidition goes.

    Luke Skywalker: [thinks] Why does everyone have to write my character like I suck? [thinks] Yes, I will, Mr. Billson.

    Anakin: I think I?ve had enough! *turns off the VS *

    Qui-Gon: I hate Timothy Za
     
  4. ginchy

    ginchy Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 25, 2005
    You take requests! Thank you! I did enjoy all the Callista bashing! :D And, I do love Mara Jade, but I do dislike how she (or whom ever the author is writing about) must just seem a little better than Luke. It just kills me! I love my Luke!

    I can't even pick out my favorite part of this post...I just loved it all! I especially like the Zahn cloning everyone mention and the Zahn bashing song. LOL You're an equal opportunity basher, and I like that! ;)

     
  5. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    yeah, I like Mara Jade too - she's pretty cool. I even like Talon Kardde and the such. I just don't like what Timothy Zahn did with his books (disgracing my pal Luke, ect.), that's all.
     
  6. lightsaver

    lightsaver Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jan 8, 2005
    oh how that felt gooood.
     
  7. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    Bump - I need a few more ppl to read this before I post the next chapter, so everybody read! :D
     
  8. Aiden_Sanic

    Aiden_Sanic Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 25, 2005
    Now THAT was a funny chapter. [face_laugh] [face_laugh]


    Loved the reporter scene when Luke was talking about his sucky character. LOL!
     
  9. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    bump - saving the thread from page 4. expect a new chapter soon

    ---TK
     
  10. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    I really hate double posting - not to mention double bumping, but I'm trying to save the thread again. I've been at a musical festival all weekend, and I'm going to be gone tomorrow (sunday) so I really don't know when the next chapter will come. Sorry about the delay, and I'll write as soon as I can (I would write now but I'm so tired and sunburnt I doubt I'd be able to write anything good, let alone funny)

    ---TK
     
  11. jedisolo_2

    jedisolo_2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Mar 15, 2005
    [face_laugh] that was good. but no more making Luke look like an idiot.
     
  12. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    Chapter 10


    Anakin: So Timothy Zahn really did have the nerve to have Luke marry Mara after all?

    Obi-Wan: Did you expect anything different? But it?s unfortunate, yes. *sighs* Poor, poor, Luke.

    Qui-Gon: Well, there?s nothing we can do now ? the Hand of Thrawn Duology has already been written and shipped. Luke/Mara is now canon.

    Obi-Wan: Let?s just hope Jag/Jaina doesn?t become canon! Poor, poor, Zekk?*bursts into tears*

    Yoda: *pats Obi-Wan on the shoulder* There, there, Obi-Wan. Be afraid, you should not be.

    Qui-Gon: *turns to Anakin* Who?s Jag?

    Anakin: I?m not sure. Someone that likes my granddaughter, though, I know that. Or that *will* like her.

    Qui-Gon: Ah.

    Yoda: Formulated I plan, have I.

    Anakin: What?s this?

    Yoda: Go to Tim Zahn?s house, we will, and ask him what he wants ? then, go deer hunting we will!

    Obi-Wan: That is the stupidest plan ever?but it just might work!

    Anakin: But ? those two steps of the plan have nothing to do with each other. It doesn?t fit.

    Qui-Gon: Who cares! It?s awesome! But how are we going to get a deer hunting license?

    Obi-Wan: By the power of Tim Zahn, I can *sell* one to you.

    Qui-Gon: *unbelieving* Oh, really. For how much?

    Obi-Wan: Enough so that I can?hmm?buy The Complete First Season of Bananas in Pajamas!

    Qui-Gon: *forks over 50 bucks* Will that do?

    Obi-Wan: Oh it will, my friend, it will. *goes to Force-Ghosts-R-US to pick up his movies*

    Qui-Gon: Anakin, you deal with Tim Zahn, Obi-Wan will watch his movies, and I and Yoda will go deer hunting, all right?

    Anakin: But that wasn?t the plan, we were all supposed to destroy him together ?

    Qui-Gon: It doesn?t matter! *grabs his 12-gauge and his bright orange hunting hat*

    Yoda: *dresses into flannel, grabs his 12-guage, and puts on his bright orange hunting hat?with ear flaps!*

    Qui-Gon: Come on, Yoda. Let?s go. *they leave*

    Anakin: So I guess I?m the one who gets stuck trying to defeat Tim Zahn. Of course, it just *has* to be me! Gosh?

    *we now switch to see what Obi-Wan?s doing*

    Obi-Wan: Yes, I?d like The Complete First Season of Bananas in Pajamas. Thank you. *takes his movies and walks out of the store* Hmm, so I wonder what my mission is now. Qui-Gon and Yoda are hunting, and Anakin is dealing with Zahn, so what should I do? Hmm? *eyes a nearby cantina* I think it?s time to do some bar hopping!

    *flip over to Anakin*

    Anakin: *is walking over to Tim Zahn?s house, murmuring under his breath* Oh, we?ll go deer hunting, they say! Let Anakin deal with Tim Zahn, they say! Obi-Wan?s gotta grab his movies then grab a cold one, they say! Let Anakin do everything, they say! Well I?ll show them. I?ll execute my plan Bothan Mayhem?

    *Anakin walks over to the outskirts of Timothy Zahn?s base, and sets up a large stage, buys a 100,000 watt sound system, one cordless mic, and walks up on to the stage*

    Anakin: *speaks into the mic* BOTHANS!

    Thrawn 1190: Where, where?!?! *starts running around in little circles*

    Anakin: I was trying to *address* the Bothans, clone of Thrawn! *ahem* Now then. Dear Bothans, Are you sick of Timothy Zahn disgracing you, and making you as criminals? Are you sick of always dying, always being cowards?

    Bothans (all 1,000,000 of them): YES!

    Anakin: Do you want to fight this evil, proving that you?re brave!

    Bothans: WE ARE BRAVE!

    Anakin: Then kill every Thrawn, Mara Jade, and Jorrus C?boath clone you can find! And all the other clones!

    Bothans: *let out their war cry* WAA-WAA-WAA! *they begin killing all the clones*

    Anakin: *grins evilly* My plan is going perfectly.

    *we now flip over to Qui-Gon and Yoda, who are sneaking through the underbrush of Minnesota, hunting deer*

    Qui-Gon: There ? I see one. You want to take the shot, Yoda?

    Yoda: Hmm. *begins training his 12-gauge shotgun at the deer, his ear flaps swaying in the afternoon breeze*

    Voice: Hello there! *Yoda fires by accident, hitting Qui-Gon in the foot and sending him flying a good 20-feet from the kick-back*

    Qui-Gon:
     
  13. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    bump - isn't anyone going to read? :(
     
  14. ginchy

    ginchy Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 25, 2005
    My husband spent all last weekend torturing me with the Star Wars Holiday Special and the Cantina on Tatooine in the special (with Bea Arthur!) is eerily like a Chuck E. Cheese now that you mention it...LOL Poor Obi-wan! [face_laugh]

    I'll be sorry to see this end, but all good things must. I can't wait for the last chapter!
     
  15. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    Hmm, I've never seen the Holiday Special - but then again I can't say I *want* to. [face_worried]
     
  16. SephirothsKiller

    SephirothsKiller Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    May 28, 2005
    What's with the random dissing of Red Green? Lol, Keep your stick on the ice!
     
  17. jedisolo_2

    jedisolo_2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Mar 15, 2005
    :_| your quitting?? *sniffle* oh well... good job anyhow!
     
  18. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    your quitting??

    No, not quitting - I just don't really have too much else to write about on this story...I've run out of material. :( That's why you guys haven't gotten the last chapter yet, I have really no ideas...(I was running on empty last chapter, I didn't even think it was really that funny)...but, yet, I think I'm just going to start writing it, and hopefully I'll end up write a good finish to it. Also, if I get some more ideas, and some positive feedback (which I have gotten tons of :) ) there *could* be a sequal about the New Jedi Order, and the Dark Nest Trilogy.

    Also, I'm going to start writing a new story once I'm done with this one, so don't fear! :)

    I'm going to try and write and post the final chapter tonight, but I make no garuntees. But I'm still going to try though! [face_peace]

    ---TK
     
  19. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    Chapter 11

    Anakin: Ok, *now* can we kill them?

    Qui-Gon: But why? I mean ?

    Anakin: Shut up! We?re going to kill them!

    Obi-Wan: I think Qui-Gon has a point. Why, Anakin?

    Anakin: Because well?he makes Luke seem stupid and uh?he wears glasses!

    *Timothy Zahns all look at each other*

    Obi-Wan: So you?re a racist, eh? Or a glassists? Eh?!

    Anakin: Of course not! I was just thinking maybe you guys would listen to that point!

    Qui-Gon: Oh, so you think that *we?re* glassists? Hmm???

    Anakin: No! I just ?

    Yoda: Said as much, you did! Prepare to die, you must! *turns to Timothy Zahn?s* Kill him, can you?

    Timothy Zahn 3: Order flowers for the widow. Get it?

    Yoda: Got it.

    Timothy Zahn 4: Good. All right boys, let?s take him!

    Anakin: You stupid Jedi dorks! You turned against me! Ah! *activates his lightsaber, and chops down Timothy Zahn 4 with an down strike*

    Timothy Zahn 3: REVENGE! *chops off Anakin?s hand*

    Anakin: AHH!!! *jumps at him, and chops him down, still holding his blade in the other hand* Only two of you left! Which one is the real Timothy Zahn?!?

    Timothy Zahn 2: Now why would we tell you that? Really think about that.

    Anakin: *begins thinking* I?I guess you?re right - *is almost chopped down by Timothy Zahn 2* Ah! *chops his attacker down*
    The Real Timothy Zahn: So now you realize that *I* am the real Timothy Zahn.

    Anakin: You shall pay!

    The Real Timothy Zahn: Actually, *you* will, if you kill me. You?ll have to pay for a new author to write my slated books, not to mention you?ll have to pay because *I?m* the only person who knows about the Outbound Flight project, and Lucas *needs* that information.

    Anakin: *holds his lightsaber to Timothy Zahn?s neck* You seem to forget one thing, Zahn!

    The Real Timothy Zahn: What?

    Anakin: *grins* I was on the Outbound Flight!

    Obi-Wan: So was I, so was I!

    Anakin: Shut up!

    Obi-Wan: *sighs* Oh, very well.

    Anakin: Now Zahn, YOU WILL DIE! *chops Timothy Zahn in half, as he cackles*

    *Timothy Zahn?is now dead. May he rest in pieces.*

    Qui-Gon: What have you done? Who?s going to write those books?!?

    Anakin: *grins* I will. *cackles*

    Yoda: How do this, will you?

    Anakin: I?ll ghost author it ? like Alan Dean Foster?the man who made me sing?

    Obi-Wan: And how we *all* regret that. *rubs his temples*

    Qui-Gon: So how are you going to write the book?

    Anakin: Well, it?s going to be called Survivor?s Quest ? and I?m going to make all of his characters look like retards by having them think for five pages before they take any action what-so-ever.

    Obi-Wan: That?s quite stupid.

    Anakin: Not to mention that I?m going to have Luke and Mara spend a chapter just trying to destroy a Driodeka.

    Qui-Gon: Are you really going to embarrass your son like that?

    Anakin: Yes?he?s been acting stupid anyway, and being to powerful, and he needs to be owned by *someone*. So I, the author, will own him.

    Yoda: Sounding like Tim Zahn, you are.

    Obi-Wan: Anakin ? you?ve let that glassed author twist you until?until you?ve become the very thing you swore to destroy! Anakin?I can?t let you write this book. *activates his lightsaber*

    Anakin: *smirks*

    Obi-Wan: Hey, that?s *my* move!

    Qui-Gon: *cough*pwned*cough*

    Anakin: And I?ll *let* it be your move, if you let me write the book.

    Obi-Wan: Fine. And what are you going to do after you write your book ? have Kevin J. Anderson write a kiddie book series talking about the young and junior Jedi Knights, who aren?t really Knights but are called that?

    Anakin: Not just KJA?his wife too.

    Qui-Gon: NOO!!!

    Obi-Wan: NOO!!!

    Yoda: *wakes up* Hmm? Hmm? What missed, have I? Boring, Obi-Wan?s speech was.

    Qui-Gon: I can?t let you do this, Anakin!

    Obi-Wan: I stand with Qui-Gon on this matter!

    Anakin: *shakes his head* Obi-Wan, I?ll buy the the *2nd* complete season of Bananas in Pajamas, and Qui-Gon, I?ll give you a refund on your deer hunting license if you guys let me do what I wish. Deal?

    Qui-Gon: Deal! *takes 50
     
  20. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    bumped from page two - some...one...read...please? :)
     
  21. ginchy

    ginchy Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 25, 2005
    How did I miss this?! I was looking for it all day yesterday so that I could read the last chapter...aw, well. The Force works in mysterious ways, I guess. LOL (Maybe I should leave the jokes to you!)

    I loved these two parts, especially:

    Anakin: *holds his lightsaber to Timothy Zahn?s neck* You seem to forget one thing, Zahn!

    The Real Timothy Zahn: What?

    Anakin: *grins* I was on the Outbound Flight!

    Obi-Wan: So was I, so was I!


    I actually choked, laughing at that. [face_blush]

    and

    Obi-Wan: Anakin ? you?ve let that glassed author twist you until?until you?ve become the very thing you swore to destroy! Anakin?I can?t let you write this book. *activates his lightsaber*

    Too funny!

    I think you have a long and happy writing career ahead of you here. I'll look forward to seeing more from you--you've given me (and my husband) quite a few laughs over the past few weeks. I really enjoyed your story immensly! I would like to see you do another humor piece...heck, send me a PM whenever you do (but take your time, I know it can be trying!)

    :)





     
  22. jedisolo_2

    jedisolo_2 Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Mar 15, 2005
    Obi-Wan: So you?re a racist, eh? Or a glassists? Eh?!

    Anakin: Of course not! I was just thinking maybe you guys would listen to that point!

    Qui-Gon: Oh, so you think that *we?re* glassists? Hmm???




    [face_laugh] Glassists! Crack me up! LOL.
     
  23. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    Thanks for the positive feedback guys. :)

    And, do not fear, for I have something to share:

    Armchair Jedi is going to have a sequal [face_dancing] - it's going to be a newish format (so I have more material), but here's the title:

    Armchair Jedi and the Holy Grail - A NJO/Monty Python crossover. :D

    I've already got a few chapters written, so except a trailer to be posted on the boards soon (in a shiny new thread [face_peace] ), and then the story to come soon thereafter.

    Thanks guys for suporting Armchair Jedi, and I hope you'll enjoy the next story! :)

    ---TK
     
  24. Sinrebirth

    Sinrebirth Mod-Emperor of the EUC, Lit, RPF and SWC star 10 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 15, 2004
    *laughs head off*

    *recovers head*

    =D= Well wrote, TK!!

    Very amused by Tim Zahn. The KJA writing JJK made me smirk, especially Obi-Wans reaction.

    Banana's in Pyjama's??

    [face_laugh]
     
  25. Stormtrooper_TK-421

    Stormtrooper_TK-421 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 29, 2004
    glad to see you enjoyed it, Sinre. [face_dancing]

    And I hope you enjoy the next Armchair Jedi story just as much. :D

    ---TK
     
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