Saga As yet untitled story (Obi centered) - feedback requested! (This is a one-post Teaser Trailer)

hey everyone!

this is my first time posting on these boards; i've been inspired by reading all of your wonderful work! so i thought i'd try my hand at this.

anyway, this is my first star wars story EVER! so i'm really looking for constructive criticism and suggestions. please reply and let me know what you think!

let me give you the context of this post: this a scene somewhere in the middle of a larger story that i'm thinking of. i wanted to post this bit first, to gauge audience reaction - you guys can help steer the direction this story goes in. hehe. if you like the post, then maybe i will continue to develop this story and flesh out the events occurring both before and after the events in this post. if there is no interest, then i will stop!

let me know what you think!

p.s. title suggestions???

p.p.s. i'm still figuring out how to post on these boards, so if you have any tips, please tell me!

i really appreciate your feedback!

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They had fallen into a routine. Somehow, the stifling heat of the twin suns, the relentless shifting sands, the barren landscape ? all this encouraged monotony in their lives. The mornings always began early. Obi-Wan was never able to sleep for very long; he would often wake long before sunrise and stare at the dull ceiling of their isolated hut, listening to the peaceful sound of Tati's even breathing, the skittering of creatures outside ? doing anything other than think about the guilt that lay heavy on his heart.

He tried not to picture Anakin as a little boy, his blond hair glinting in sunlight or moonlight; Anakin grinning mischievously when Obi-Wan would discover another one of his droid creations; Anakin's eyes glimmering with confusion the first time Obi-Wan walked away from a fight; Anakin's unrelenting determination to carry out justice; and then....Anakin's stubborn outbursts in front of political dignitaries; Anakin's increasingly aggressive fighting style; Anakin's short temper and sullen rebelliousness....these memories would blend confusingly in his imagination ? his mind would grow weary of sorting out the different Anakins in his mind. In these early hours of the morning, his heart always protested that there was ? and always would be ? only one Anakin Skywalker. The dark, malevolent creature that now inhabited the remains of his body was not human, and certainly was not the bright young boy Obi-Wan had met so many long years ago...on this very same planet.

Today was no different. He had spent so many weeks staring at this ceiling that he knew he could draw it from memory and not miss a single blemish or imperfection on its rough surface. He knew that his Master ? and a certain wise old troll ? would berate him for dwelling on things he could not change; they would probably even tell him that it was not his fault. But how could it not be? He had held the life and potential of that precious youth in his hands, had cared for him, watched over him...He sighed.

Glancing at the chrono, he mentally listed all the tasks he needed to accomplish today. Mundane and trivial ? check the moisture vaporator, head into Mos Espa for his weekly news gathering, fix the filter that Tati had mentioned was broken, and maybe purchase another blanket.

He looked over at Tati's sleeping form; she regularly stole the blanket during the night, twisting it around herself like a cocoon. One cold night, when he had tried to untangle her and take a share of the blanket for himself, he had suddenly found himself pinned to the floor in a death grip, with a vibroblade at his throat. The move was so unexpected that he could only stare in shock at her deadly gaze. When the sleepy grogginess cleared from her mind and she recognized who he was, she retreated immediately. Sheepishly, she tossed the blade onto a nearby table. Obi-Wan continued to stare at her, trying to reconcile this efficient killer with the gentle woman he knew her to be. At the same moment, they burst out laughing; in fact, they laughed for quite a while at the absurdity of the situation ? and if

 

I like it. I like to think that there was someone to share the time with Obiwan between EP3 and ANH. I also like how you had him knowing that he is going to die soon and its all part of the plan for a new jedi order etc. It makes him seem more human. I for one would like to see more.

As for a title perhaps something like A time to heal. That so far is what you seem to imply to me is that Obiwan needs time to heal before moving on with what he foresees as his duty and all.

 

I like it, too.

 

This is great! Keep going!

 

This was lovely. I especially liked Obi-Wan's musings about Anakin at his various stages of life and his blocking of the Force. I'm eager to read more.

I really stink at titles, though. I think CrystalKenobi's suggestion is a good one.

Keep writing this!

 

This is very nice; finally Obi-Wan gets someone to hang out with, instead of brooding incessantly.

I've always thought a clever title for Obi-Wan/Tatooine stories would be, "Intermission". I don't know if it makes sense with where you're going with the story though.

Peace out.

 

hey guys! thanks so much for the feedback!

i think i'm going to write the rest of this story, which has been floating around in my head for a while...

the problem is that i have so little time (grr Darth RL), so i don't know when i'll get the chance to get back here. but it's really encouraging that you guys like it!

if you have any story ideas or anything, let me know. hopefully in a few weeks i'll get the first post up. (the post that i put up on this thread was sort of like a "teaser trailer" to see what people thought...)

individual responses:

crystalkenobi - i agree: i think exploring the "what-if" aspect of obi-wan having a companion on tatooine has potential...i'll have to be careful not to make it too mushy etc., lol! hmm, interesting title idea: it goes very well with this "teaser trailer" post, but i'm not sure it would apply to the larger story i have in mind; but i will def put it on my list of possible titles!

opal - thanks! glad you enjoyed it!

diamond_pony2002 - thanks for the encouragement!

dianethx - hehe i was in a nostalgic mood when i wrote this "teaser trailer" post, so the musings about Anakin actually came pretty easily, which was nice since i am generally afflicted with writer's block!

guerrestellari - i'm glad you like that obi has someone to "hang out with" as you put it; it's always scary to make up original characters, but hopefully when i get around to writing the larger story, i'll be able to focus on character development...that is, if i ever have the time to write this story at all! also, cool title idea, i will put that one on my list of possible titles (along with crystalkenobi's suggested title). depending on how exactly i write the story, you guys' great suggestions may not be applicable, though i def appreciate the ideas!!

ok, so anyway, thanks so much for the feedback, maybe in a few weeks you'll see the REAL beginning of this story...

until then, if you have any further ideas, suggestions, questions, comments - definitely let me know!!

 

hmm i'm still trying to figure out how to properly use these boards - how do i change the "subject" line so that the title that appears on the SAGA board is slightly different? (i want it to say "RE: As yet untitled story (Obi centered) - feedback requested! (This is a one-post Teaser Trailer)" instead of what it currently says ("RE: As yet untitled story (Obi centered) - feedback requested!")

if you know how to fix this, let me know!

 

I think you go back to the first post and press the edit button, then you should be able to see the title area that you can change. Not sure but I think that is how its done.