Beyond - Legends Attack of the Dancing Beer Bottle Labels (Han, Leia, Luke)--Random weird fic

Title: Attack of the Dancing Beer Bottle Labels
Author: leiamoody
Timeframe: Sometime after ROTJ
Genre: Crackfic vignette
Canonicity: Are you kidding? Okay, AU, because it's set in my AU GFFA.
Characters: Han, Leia, Luke
Summary: Han, Luke, and Leia discover the hazards of peeling labels off beer bottles.
Notes: Since I mentioned Zeitgeist Brew in my post over in the Fanon thread, I realized I probably should post the story where it first popped up. It was written a few years ago, and I had it posted over at Archive of our Own, but never posted it here. Well, that's been remedied now.

The idea of dancing labels actually comes from Brian Daley, who mentioned the concept (albeit with a bottle of wine) in Han Solo's Revenge.
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"What are you doing?" Leia asked.

Han and Luke were seated at the dejarik table with twenty-four dark blue smokeglass bottles sitting on top of it.

Leia looked down and noticed the pile of gold and black labels carelessly scattered at her feet.

"The stupid importer didn't take off the labels like I asked them to," Han replied, jabbing his thumbnail under the label affixed to the bottle in front of him.

"Why should they have done that?"

"Do you know what these are?" Han leaned forward and handed one of the other bottles to his wife.

She took it from him, and read the label out loud. "Zeitgeist Brew."

"All the way from the Corporate Sector. A little gift from Roa and Lwyll for my birthday."

Leia definitely wasn't getting the point. "Isn't that a good thing?"

Han dug his fingernails into the label on the bottle still in his right hand. "Yeah, it's real generous." The label started to peel away from the bottle's surface, in three small shreds, anyway.

"So why are you taking the labels off a gift?"

"You've never seen labels from the Sector." He peeled the rest of the label from the bottle in his hand. "Every single thing packaged for consumers has a bunch of crap loaded into them. Whether it's sealer beans or a bottle of beer, all the product information is jammed into the product labels. Where it was made, how it was made, the ingredients, probably even what the fourth guy on the assembly line was wearing under his jumpsuit that day."

"But there's nothing on here but the name of the beer."

Luke suddenly spoke up. "There's a surprise hidden in the paper."

Leia was now seriously wondering if they were all suffering from a sudden case of delusions-in-the-key-of-grandeur. "What does that mean?"

"You'd have to open up one of them to see it activated," her brother responded, returning to the task of setting another beer bottle free from its oppressive label.

"Well let me see one in action." Leia turned the bottle in her hand, moving her thumb towards the cap...but was stopped by Luke placing his hand on her arm.

"It's scary. You don't want to see what comes out of one of those."

"It can't be that bad."

Han shook his head. "Trust us on this. It ain't pretty."

"I've seen things far more bizarre than animated beer labels."

Han sighed. "Okay, suit yourself."

Leia placed her thumb on the cap, then pressed down on it. The cap flipped off and fell to the floor.

Then commenced the light show; dancing green, red, and yellow symbols jumped out from the black label. They formed a three-dimensional ring around the bottle, swirling and twirling mere inches from the surface. The characters glowed, and the colors seemed to get brighter with each passing second.

Leia was astounded. She wanted to drop the thing and let it break...but she was in too much shock to let it go.

After one of the longest moments she would ever experience, the dancing lights dissolved and faded away.

Leia stared at the bottle, then looked at her husband.

"I told you so."

She nodded. Then she put the bottle back down on the table. "Move over," she said to Luke. "I'll help you peel the rest of those labels. Then we can take them all outside and burn them."

 

Intriguing to see the Zeitgeist Brew in action. It sounded like an unusual advertising method in the fanon thread (at least, I think that's where I remember seeing it.)

So it's like a 20-minute commercial break that burns itself into your retinas. No wonder Han wants to get rid of the labels.

Definitely sounds weird, but I'm wondering if it's the (seemingly?) hypnotic aspect that makes it so disturbing to them all. Their mutual determination to burn all the labels was pretty funny. It's like a "and we shall never speak of this again."

 

Han sighed. "Okay, suit yourself."

Leia placed her thumb on the cap, then pressed down on it. The cap flipped off and fell to the floor.

Then commenced the light show; dancing green, red, and yellow symbols jumped out from the black label. They formed a three-dimensional ring around the bottle, swirling and twirling mere inches from the surface. The characters glowed, and the colors seemed to get brighter with each passing second.

Leia was astounded. She wanted to drop the thing and let it break...but she was in too much shock to let it go.

After one of the longest moments she would ever experience, the dancing lights dissolved and faded away.

Leia stared at the bottle, then looked at her husband.

"I told you so."

A very psychedelic update!

Not even my pain killers give me such fun. They hardly work...

But your story made me smile all the way through it. Thank you!

 

Thanks.

Yes, it was mentioned in the fanon thread. It was first created in this story, though, about six years ago. I expanded upon the label's unique advertising capabilities for the fanon thread, hence the reason why not everything mentioned there is found here. Confused yet?

No, just a minute long, although I do imagine there are advertisements in the Corporate Sector that are about the length of a short film. Maybe 3D holographic raisins and soda dancing along advertising the concession stand...

It probably does have some form of weird hypnosis about it, which would make sense considering it's a form of advertising. The whole point of any commercial product is to engage the potential buyer or to keep the repeat customer. Just like advertising in Darth Real Life, the methods used to promote products has gotten invasive. I think that was the angle Brian Daley was coming from when he came up with the idea of the dancing label on the wine bottle in Han Solo's Revenge. I just expanded upon it. Hopefully he wouldn't have minded too much.

For the record, this is the passage from Han Solo's Revenge where the dancing advertising label was first mentioned:

Zounds! Another reply while I was typing this reply to the other reply up...

Also thank you.

I know what you mean about the painkillers. Maybe if the labels on those bottles danced, it would at least make taking them more interesting.

 

WHAT DID I JUST READ? O_____o

*ahem* Serious question: is burning these labels going to result intoxication taken up to eleven, or is it actually going to get them rid of the influence?

 

This is awesome.

How long before these labels are invented in real life?

 

This story needs a sequel. I want to know what happens when you burn the labels, I'm sure they won't go away that easily.

 

This is really an interesting idea --- can you imagine Pepsi or Coke doing a light show when you pop the tab. And I agree with Chyntuck - yeah this needs another chapter for when the burn the labels. Fun story.

 

Gemma - aww, come on, Pepsi Max does that all the time. Because lots of caffeine. Because withdrawal symptoms. Trust me, I'm a pro. Hurrhurrrhurr.

 

Thanks for reading, everyone else who read this.

You read what you read. If you don't remember reading it, then what did you think you read?

Burning the labels is a purely cathartic experience. I liken it to performing an exorcism.

Five minutes ago, in some secret lab...the mere fact that I know this means I will be kidnapped by drones in...twenty minutes.

It's been a few years since I wrote this, but I could probably cook up a second chapter about some great burning ritual of the possessed labels.

It would be less disorienting than popping the cork on a decent Merlot. The dancing labels might make for a newly converted bunch of teetotallers.

 

leiamoody: You got the quotes mixed up. The quote attributed to me is actually Chyntuck 's, and you missed my actual comment.

That said, I too would be interested in the sequel.

 

Sorry. I was doing a multi-quote post and somehow things got deleted. I'll fix it up.

Addendum: My original response was actually still in there, but one missing bracket from the quote by your user name wound up attributing it to Chyntuck. I don't even know, man, how that happened...maybe that secret lab is really on to me.

 

I also would not mind a squeal.

 

Thanks, and duly noted.

 

Thanks for reading.

Nope, nothing to do with Force sensitivity. It's purely a mechanical device put in all Corporate Sector products (again, I'm working off the concept Brian Daley created with the wine bottle in Han Solo's Revenge. I just extrapolated it to include other products from the Sector, since that part of the galaxy is heavily devoted to commerce, and advertising is the engine of commerce, so...).

There is definitely more than adhesive on the labels. The way I see it, there are embedded diodes in the label that contain all the relevant advertising information. In practice, they're supposed to be deactivated after one minute or so. In reality, there's always the possibility of malfunction. So burning the labels might release some...ghosts.

 

The people! Demand! The sequel! Now! (especially after this reply of yours )

 

I like the idea of advertising within the labels that activates under a certain stimuli. It could be really interesting to read more (or to learn more about the labels themselves).

 

Thank you for reading.

I guess I do have to write some kind of follow-up...maybe call it "Attack of the Dancing Beer Bottle Labels, Part Deux" or "The Dancing Beer Bottle Labels Strike Back"...maybe "Revenge of the Dancing Beer Bottle Labels"?

 

The Phantom Beer Bottle Label Menace.

 

Well, great, there's another possible title. I'm going to have to combine all of them into one mega-title! Like something from the Syfy Channel ("Dinocroc Zombie Sharknado").

Or it could be an entire series...

 

animated beer labels and you don't have to be drunk to imagine it

 

Ahh, that would make it worse!

 

That was the wrong thing to say