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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

JCC babies are the worst

Discussion in 'Community' started by Rogue_Ten, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. Rogue_Ten

    Rogue_Ten Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Aug 18, 2002
    specifically, human babies. infants

    they are objectively the worst iteration of what they are - mammalian newborns. intelligence, functionality, mobility, cuteness... in every single category of baby-ness, humans are getting THRASHED by the competition

    human infants are useless lumps of fat that can't do anything useful. meanwhile, every other mammalian newborn i can think of has done dope **** like immediately after being born. whale babies are swimming around being awesome from the word go. kangaroo newborns are the size of a jelly-bean and have to crawl from the birth canal to the pouch, without any help from the mother's tiny kangaroo arms. even bat babies have to hang on to their mothers from birth. seems like a low bar, but that's just how terrible human infants are; if your human newborn had to hold on to you or get dashed on a feces-covered cave floor... well, i hope you like your babies with a lot of broken bones and smeared in feces...

    giraffe babies are running around after dropping out of their mom's womb, meanwhile human newborns are able to turn their head towards anything that brushes their cheek and try to suck it. good going, human babies. what a useful skill! you know what would happen to a giraffe baby that insisted on just lying on its back and sucking on things for months? the giraffe herd would abandon it to get devoured by lions. because giraffe parents know better than to put up with that weak-ass ****. they have standards

    "but Rogue!" you say "how can you hate on babies?! THEYRE SO CUTE!" bull****. you know just as well as i do that, while some babies are indeed cute, the vast majority of babies look like creepy old bald men

    parents usually think their own babies are cute -- presumably it is this delusion, along with the hope that the baby will grow into a useful human being given time and resources, that keeps them from leaving their new flesh-doorstop on a hillside, spartan-style. however, a baby's own parents are usually the exception in this regard. it is customary to claim, in the parent's presence, that their baby is pleasing to the eye. however, this is a mere concession to decency, an attempt to spare the feelings of the proud new owners of a jacked-looking bag of poop

    even if im exaggerating -- even if it is only a minority of people that acknowledge the desperate ugliness of most babies -- ask yourself when was the last time you heard somebody say a puppy was ugly? when was the last time somebody opined to you that kittens all look like mangy old alleycats? the only syllable that has ever been uttered in the presence of a newborn puppy or kitten is "awwwwww". CLEARLY human babies are embarassingly behind other mammals in the cuteness category, as in every other

    and its not just mammals that are kicking our human infants' asses. even bird babies are far superior to a human newborn. game of thrones-style machiavellian scheming takes place in every bird's nest. weaklings get pushed out to their death. meanwhile, human newborns can't even crawl. if you put a newborn human into the squared-circle that is a bird's nest with human baby-sized chicks, you can bet that human baby is getting some early flying lessons

    sure, maybe human babies are building the foundations of a human intellect behind those watery dumb**** eyes. maybe this prodigious task requires concessions in other areas of development... but isnt that our excuse for why toddlers are so intolerable and gross and sociopathic? how many years of embarassing the species is acceptable?

    all im saying is: human babies, y'all need to be better. you're on notice
     
  2. dp4m

    dp4m Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Nov 8, 2001
  3. DarthTunick

    DarthTunick SFTC VII + Deadpool BOFF star 10 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Nov 26, 2000
    Cool story, bro.
     
  4. Jabbadabbado

    Jabbadabbado Manager Emeritus star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Mar 19, 1999
    Human parents are only a famine away from doing the things to babies that other mammal parents do, like eating or discarding them when times get tough. All those things happened in the Ukraine under Stalin, in the European famines that hit at the end of the Medieval Warm Period, etc.
     
  5. DantheJedi

    DantheJedi Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Aug 23, 2009
    A couple of thoughts about babies from Archer's Cheryl Tunt:

    [​IMG]

    "Babies are soft-skulled, fat little germ sacks and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria."

    "Now, we heard some mention of babies. But just to be clear, we don't do babies. 'Do' as in tolerate, be around, touch, and most definitely as in let them claw their monster-y way out of our vagina."
     
  6. LostOnHoth

    LostOnHoth Chosen One star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 15, 2000
    No,no. Human babies and infants have highly developed skills of non-verbal manipulation. Mammal babies and infants lack these highly developed skills and so must be more self sufficient to survive. Not so for human babies. They can stay up all night screaming, poo every thirty minutes and vomit on the hour, yet they are able to completely subjugate the parents to their will and make the parents believe the baby or infant is the centre of their universe. This manipulation can be sustained for many, many years, well until early adulthood.
     
  7. SithSense

    SithSense Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 29, 2002
  8. epic

    epic Ex Mod star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 4, 1999
    YOU WERE AN UGLY USELESS BABY TOO ROGUE TEN
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  9. epic

    epic Ex Mod star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 4, 1999
    *UNDERSCORE
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  10. Coruscant

    Coruscant Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Feb 15, 2004
    George Carlin did this better.
     
  11. Boba_Fett_2001

    Boba_Fett_2001 Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Dec 11, 2000
    Stupid babies need the most attention.
     
  12. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    Crack babies are pretty cool
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  13. Diggy

    Diggy Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Babies are excellent. My babies, anyway. I'm pretty sure r10 is babysplaining.
     
  14. GrandAdmiralJello

    GrandAdmiralJello Comms Admin ❉ Moderator Communitatis Litterarumque star 10 Staff Member Administrator

    Registered:
    Nov 28, 2000
    You're just still bitter about Prince George, wasn't you?
     
    Rogue_Ten likes this.
  15. Rogue_Ten

    Rogue_Ten Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Aug 18, 2002
    Have you ever heard of a calf suffocating because it forgot to turn its head? And yet "bovine" is synonymous with "dull". There is no such thing as bovine SIDS. Just embarrassing
     
  16. Diggy

    Diggy Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Grand Admiral Ghetto in da house!
     
  17. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    He's in everyone's house lately
     
    mavjade and dp4m like this.
  18. GrandAdmiralJello

    GrandAdmiralJello Comms Admin ❉ Moderator Communitatis Litterarumque star 10 Staff Member Administrator

    Registered:
    Nov 28, 2000
    I am making an effort to be more relatable to the plebs.
     
  19. Rogue_Ten

    Rogue_Ten Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Aug 18, 2002
    nice try but that's still a disfluency in any slang dialect im aware of
     
  20. GrandAdmiralJello

    GrandAdmiralJello Comms Admin ❉ Moderator Communitatis Litterarumque star 10 Staff Member Administrator

    Registered:
    Nov 28, 2000
    That's very establishment of you. I didn't think you had it in you.
     
  21. Ramza

    Ramza Administrator Emeritus star 9 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 13, 2008
    Now while I don't disagree with any of the points Rogue_Ten made, I think he's overlooking the most obvious positive trait of human babies - namely, that they make excellent sacrifices to Rhan-Tegoth, the Named Nameless, Spawn of Aphoom-Zhah, Heir to the Flames.
     
    CT-867-5309 and ophelia like this.
  22. Alpha-Red

    Alpha-Red Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Apr 25, 2004
    But...Rogue! How can you hate on babies? They're so cute!
     
    Juliet316 likes this.
  23. LostOnHoth

    LostOnHoth Chosen One star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 15, 2000
    It's true. I used to swear by goats but once I switched to human babies I won't ever go back.
     
  24. darth_gersh

    darth_gersh Force Ghost star 7

    Registered:
    Feb 18, 2005
    I'm 100% grossed out by pregnant women.
     
  25. EmpireForever

    EmpireForever Force Ghost star 8

    Registered:
    Mar 15, 2004
    Women are 100% grossed out by you, so.
     
    Darth Guy, Diggy , Rogue_Ten and 2 others like this.