Saga Battle Lines (OCs, Military Fan Fic Writers' Challenge #1 Response)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Something_Exile, Mar 31, 2013.

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  1. Something_Exile Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 23, 2012
    Title: Battle Lines
    Author: Something_Exile
    Genre: Action
    Timeframe: 19 BBY
    Rating: PG-13
    Characters: Tye Amon, Valan Tokaran, CC-5222 (Commander Streak)
    Summary: After the disastrous first Battle of Jabiim during the Clone Wars, eventually the Republic did return to fight for control of the world again. In the midst of the Outer Rim sieges, Jedi Knights Tye Amon and Valan Tokaran are part of the new offensive on Jabiim. Now in the final months of the war, the pair of Jedi, along with a squad of clone troopers led by Commander Streak, must fight to survive in the midst of a devastating siege and somehow emerge victorious against the Separatist forces.
    Author's Notes:
    Hello hello. This is actually my first time posting in FanFic since the old boards, where I used to go by a separate username, Websinger2, under which I had been posting an Order 66 story, Jedi Eclipse. Lots of life got in the way before I finished the story, though it has been far from forgotten by me, and I plan to return to it in the very near-future.
    In preparation for the re-release of the story, I thought I'd join in the Military Fic Challenge and write something starring the same characters before they reached the whole Dark Times fiasco. So for those that remember them, enjoy seeing the characters fight during the Clone Wars. For those of you who do not know the original story, here is a new chance to get to know the cast before it is re-released. I hope you enjoy this fic and look forward to the re-release.
    Please leave comments if you do read this, even if you didn't like it or just thought it was okay. Criticism can only make me better at writing, something which is important to me, so anything you leave, positive or negative, will be greatly appreciated. Now enjoy!

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    Jabiim

    Tye threw himself down into the ground as another explosion detonated above him, showering him with pellets of mud and stone. The light was blinding for a split second before his vision was blocked out by the sludge of the ground, and the noise was almost deafening. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the white of clone trooper armor as the others dived to the ground.

    The ground was wet beneath him and he wondered for a moment if he might drown in the deep mud instead of being blow apart. The rain fell in buckets from the sky, a never ending torrent of water that did nothing but add to the sludge that threatened to flood the Republic trenches.

    Tye pushed himself up, his face and torso coated in the muck. The weight of the pack on his back, filled with the supplies they had scavenged from the southern camp, threatened to shove him back down into the sludge again. Behind him were the four clones that had accompanied; Commander Streak, Sixer, Deadeye and Kable.

    It had been a simple run to the southern end of the trenches, having lost communications with the commander of the southern camp. Upon arrival, they had found only ash and mud where the Separatist artillery had struck.

    After retrieving what supplies they could, they now made their way back to the main camp further north, where the majority of the Republic’s infantry had made their position.

    “Come on, let’s move!” Tye shouted, struggling to be heard over the roar of the battle and the nearby whine of an incoming blast.

    “You heard the general!” Streak yelled, helping Kable to his feet. “Move, move, move!”

    Tye took Kable under the arm and helped Streak pull him up. As soon as he was upright, it was if the clone soldier had never fallen, and together they pressed on through the deluge. Another blast detonated nearby, showering the soldiers in mud and water.

    The ground shook in time with the constant rhythm provided by the detonations that peppered the whole Republic line. They had to bend down as they moved, careful to keep their heads from popping up over the edge of the trench or else all it would take was one droid sniper to end their life.

    The sky should have been dark, the sun having set hours earlier, but illumination was provided in flashes by the constant artillery fire. Several miles back, the Republic tanks and cannons continued to fire in the direction of the Separatist stronghold, lighting up the sky as the rounds passed over the trenches.

    The stronghold, built within one of the larger clusters of crags that dotted the landscape, was only a mile ahead of the Republic infantry line, but they had found themselves completely unable to advance as the Separatists rained fire down on the Republic position.

    The clone soldiers and the Jedi that led them, including Tye, had set up this line and held it for the past couple of days, the furthest forwards they had made it in the siege so far, but cannon fire from the Separatists had slowly turned whole stretches of the trenches into collapsed messes of mud and bodies.

    As they moved along the gutter, bodies of fallen clones littered the ground. Some were felled by sniper fire, gaping holes in their armor showcasing where they had been exposed to the snipers’ scopes. Others were missing limbs, disfigured by the detonations of the Separatists’ cannons.

    Tye saw one clone lying face down in the mud, his helmet missing. He tried not to think about what killed him, either by explosion or drowning, and instead felt the gaping ache in his chest stemming from the pointlessness of all this bitter destruction.

    As well as the explosions that lit up the sky, squadrons of droid bombers screeched overhead with a target of the Republic’s tank line. Each piercing shriek of the bombers’ engines was followed by an ear-splitting crack as they dropped their payload in the distance.

    Tye had little to no idea of how the Republic artillery line was doing in comparison to the infantry in the trenches; all he knew was that despite the efforts of the bombers, the Republic cannons were still firing, and that was all he needed to know.

    “Droids!” Kable shouted.

    Tye spun to see the battle droids, their skeletal frames marred by mud and scarred by blaster fire, marching towards them from the direction they had come. Another squad of battle drones that had managed to make their way into the Republic line, sneaking in through the gap made by the destruction of the southern camp.

    “Take cover!” Streak roared.

    The clones dived to either side of the cramped trench, ducking to find make use of any type of cover they could, be it natural or from the body of a fallen soldier. Streak and Sixer leapt to one side, while Kable and Deadeye rolled to the other. Their blasters were instantly alive, unloading bolt after bolt into the offending clankers.

    Tye remained standing in the center of the trench, feet planted shoulder width apart in the muck. Before the first bolt could strike him, his lightsaber had burst into existence, the blue blade creating an impenetrable force before him. His arms became a blur of motion as the Force guided him into the path of every bolt that came at him.

    The clones poured blaster fire towards the droids, but their aim was hindered by the conditions and by trying to keep hidden in the sparse cover. The droids were less affected by the environment and so a steady stream of bolts continued to surge from their blaster rifles, tearing up the ground around the clones and the Jedi.

    A pair of Super Battle Droids marched at the rear of the droid pack, their thick hides taking bolt after bolt with barely a dent. From the raised arm of one of the droids launched a propelled torpedo, which quickly attempted to close the distance between the droids and the clones. Before the warhead could detonate, Tye lashed out with the Force, striking the torpedo and directing it upwards. It detonated several meters above them in a bright and powerful blast, the sound of it making Tye’s ears ring.

    Instantly a new jolt of warning shot through Tye and he allowed the Force to guide his arms away from his body, positioning his lightsaber directly in front of Streak’s helmeted face. Before Streak could even register the presence of the weapon, a stream of blaster bolts ricocheted off of Tye’s blade, back into the battle droid they came from. The droid’s torso sparked and spat where the bolts struck and it collapsed into a mess of useless scrap.

    Deadeye had just finished attaching the anti-armor attachment onto his rifle as he leaned out from his cover to take aim. Before he could fire, a red bolt struck him in the shoulder. He let out a cry as the force of the shot flung his body around, the rifle flying from his grip.

    Three more bolts struck him up the torso in quick succession and the clone was dead before his body splashed into the muddy ground.

    Before any of them could react to the casualty, a blast suddenly erupted behind the droids, a mortar shell plopping straight into the ditch and drowning it in fire and light and sound that overwhelmed the senses. The droids vanished in the fire, their bodies blown apart as if they were made of paper, and the clones were lifted from their feet as the shock wave traveled down the trench.

    Tye felt himself moving against his will, his body like a rag-doll as he was thrown from his feet. He physically re-connected with the world with a painful crash against the wall of the trench, and a high-pitched whine filled his ears. His vision swam and he could still feel the tiny pellets of mud raining down on them in the aftermath of the explosion.

    Before him, Kable stood leaning against the opposite wall. A single piece of shrapnel, jagged and about a foot long, was imbedded in the center of his faceplate. Tye roared as Kable’s body gave out, collapsing to the floor like a marionette with its strings cut.

    Sixer rushed over to Kable in a vain attempt to check for vitals but Tye’s attention was drawn by another movement. A single Super Battle Droid clambered to its feet in the midst of the carnage, one arm torn off by the blast and part of its torso plate half-ripped off. Its remaining limb, the one with the blaster attachment, rose as it took aim.

    Before it could fire, Tye flung his lightsaber, guiding it in the Force. Closing the space between them in an instant, the blade imbedded itself in the chest-plate of the droid. It was still for a moment, then the droid tipped backwards and splashing into the muck. Tye recalled the lightsaber and it landed neatly in his palm.

    For a long moment he just held it there, the rain drops hissing out of existence as they struck the blade.

    “We need to move, general!” Streak hollered.

    The words brought Tye back to reality, the Force warning him of more incoming fire.

    “Let’s go!” Tye ordered, and along with the two surviving clone soldiers, began to run.

    They were just in time as another shell exploded nearby, threatening to throw them to the ground, but still they kept moving.

    Tye became aware of a noise from his comm, the sound struggling to be heard over the blaring noise of the siege. He paused for a moment and removed it from his belt, holding it close to his head to hear.

    “Tye? Are you there?”

    “Valan! We’re still here.” Tye responded, while Streak and Sixer waited beside him, rifles raised as they kept watch.

    “How far out are you? We saw the shell hit the trench near your location.”

    “We’re not far. Ran into some trouble.” He swallowed and ran a hand through his soaked hair. “We lost two. And the southern camp is gone.”

    “Get back here as quick as you can. Something big is happening soon.”

    “Copy that. See you shortly.”

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    Last edited by Something_Exile, Mar 31, 2013
  2. Thumper09 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 9, 2001
    star 4
    Great story! I really liked the effect of the environment-- from the pouring rain to the mud and muck to the nighttime being lit up with artillery flashes to the loud noises, the setting really came alive and caused realistic problems for the characters.

    I was sorry that Deadeye and Kable didn't make it, though that does show what a lethal spot the group was in.

    Great work!
  3. Goodwood Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 11, 2011
    star 4
    And here we have the winner of the First Military Fanfic Challenge!

    Congratulations!
  4. Rau_Fang Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2005
    star 2
    Very good! I agree with Thumper on the environment point. The take away image for me - the trooper laying face down in the mud and asking the question whether he drowned - made me hope that the trooper died in the explosion and that's an uneasy thing to hope for. Then the visceral sounds of artillery and flashes of light really tied the scene together.

    Let me know when you start to re-release Jedi Eclipse!
  5. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Hey there! I also agree with the other two about the environment you've created. You can tell it's a deadly place to be for sure. You can feel the pressure that the troops are under, though there are places you might be able to make things a little bit more intense.

    "They had to bend down as they moved, careful to keep their heads from popping up over the edge of the trench or else all it would take was one droid sniper to end their life. "
    This is good! But I think 'or else all it would take' could be smoothed out a bit, make it less confusing. Something like 'keep their heads from popping over the edge of the trench. Deadly droid snipers would be happy to liberate their skulls from their necks.'

    'Tye felt himself moving against his will, his body like a rag-doll as he was thrown from his feet'

    The idea of this is awesome, that it wasn't his idea to be tossed into the air. But I don't really get the impression he was blown off his feet. My brain, at first anyway, said that he had somehow jumped 'against his will'. Maybe the 'ground could leap out from under his feet' or 'regained his senses in an awkward position, a result of another stunning impact from the artillary.'

    Be careful not to overuse words that don't have to be re-used. I think I saw 'detonate' at least twice. But I'm anal for word repitition. ;) Also, feel free to put some more emotional bits in. They just lost two of their own unit, and the troops at the southern camp were destroyed completely, I saw no remorse/regret in the post for that. They see bodies and parts everywhere...anybody's mental state is going to be a little garbled. Even if it's something simple like 'the familiar form of his fellow troopers littering the battlefield made him sick to his stomach' or something along those lines.
    Otherwise, this was great! A good read. Keep it going!
  6. Something_Exile Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 23, 2012
    Thanks for the great words everyone, really appreciate it. Glad everyone's enjoying it, I plan on continuing this one in the near-future. I wanted to have the next bit posted by now but my final year dissertation for university is due in the next week so this will have to wait until after that sadly.

    Thanks for the constructive criticism, I agree with the points you made. With the emotion thing, I do plan to address that very soon, but the intention for this chapter was to be completely immersed in the action and the urgency of keeping going, as the characters would have been, and unable to take the time to think about it. A first draft had Tye a lot more emotional, including trying to revive one of the clones, but it distracted from what was going on because there wasn't really time for him to be thinking things over or waiting around. The next chapters will have things sinking in as there's a lull before the next battle, specifically the next chapter will show Tye's response to the deaths he witnessed.

    This is sort of a characteristic of Tye that came from his original appearance in into Jedi Eclipse; he's great at just getting on with it at the time, but as soon as the adrenaline fades, he can shatter into a thousand pieces. He's not 'hard' or closed off by any means, he's definitely an emotional man, but he just sort of goes into a numb auto-pilot sometimes. The whole thing would be less jarring if I'd been able to post the next chapter sooner, but there in lies the problem with posting in chapters :p anything can happen to put you behind schedule. Hopefully this character analysis will keep you going until next time.
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