Betrayal (Obi/Qui angst - very AU) Updated Sept 20, 2011 - Complete

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by dianethx, Mar 16, 2003.

Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. Tahi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 8, 2002
    star 5
    Sorry - fashionably late again!!!

    it was too much of an expense according to the Senate accountants. So he'd had no real connection with the remaining Jedi and most of his friends had been cast out early in the first few rounds of dismissals.

    Now he wondered if the constant missions had been deliberate, not so much that he was needed in the field but to keep him isolated from the other Jedi.

    Damn bureaucracy and sneaky politics - I think he may well be correct.

    I love those little moments you write between Obi and Atel showing their bond - it's lovely but also so sad. Isn't it tragic that poor Obi has learned not to trust anyone (except Atel and Qui-Gon)? What a sad comment on the Order.

    the image of Master Yoda and Mace Windu haggling like Corellian smugglers over the price of a Council seat was so far beyond the realm of possibility that Obi-Wan could not even wrap his mind around the concept. It was preposterous.
    Aie! That sure puts it into perspective.

    It swallowed the horizon, looming large, growing closer with every heartbeat. The late afternoon light cast a reddish stain over the building's surface, the color of dried blood.
    Fantastic imagery!!

    I suspect that Sle'fey might regret his decision. [face_devil]

    The shuttle's windows darkened, the sunlight morphing into artificial gloom as it slid into the landing bay.
    Gloom indeed. And ominous gloom as well. Great ending. =D=

    Enjoyed that post even though poor Obi's pain is palpable and Qui-Gon's situation seems hopeless. Very dramatic. :)

  2. Jaira Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2005
    star 4
  3. Kivas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2005
    star 1
    ok my mouth is gapping that you leave us hanging like that.

    I sense a rat in all this.
  4. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Y'know I look at the reviews before looking at the update, just to see if any closure is coming, or if its still hanging.....just to be prepared for the shock.....[face_mischief] no matter what it is.

    I know the drama is building toward the fight on both planets, but over all that, Obi-Wan is so terribly wounded and damaged from all the games being played around him. Your portray of him is so intense. It's so obvious that Qui-Gon has had time to recover with being separated from the Jedi for a few year (though I guess he doesn't know what's going on back at the farm), but Obi-Wan has been hurt the worst. I look forward to seeing what happens.

  5. mujapple-juicey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 21, 2008
    star 4
    OK, I'm really worried now. Anak and Macy have problems with a Sith (I think)and Wan and Atel and Quiggy have problems with the Council people.
    Poor Wan. All messed up. His physical state is scrambled and his mind is boggled and I don't have a good feeling on what he smells like right now. Chilling, thrilling, it makes my feet cold. OMA, what's happening outside of this?

    Mango jelly whouldn't help them.:_|
    I wonder if the Council members are Siths or something. Especially Sle'fey.(did I spell that right?) that dude makes my feet the coldest.

    I resistered yesterday if you wonder who I am. I've been reading this for a long time before I registered.
    LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. Seremela Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2008
    star 3
    :_| :_| :_| OH NO, LE'ORATH!!!!! Oh, that's so... that's... I don't want her to die! She's so good for Qui-Gon, she keeps him leveled. I love their relationship as you painted it in the side stories about how they meet and come together. I don't want their little girl to die either, but even if Le'orath survives by some miracle (or bacta tanks), how ever can their daughter after this???? :_|

    Make Maul pay!!!! :mad:

    You are truly evil, leaving us not with one, but TWO cliffhangers. With Anakin so out of sorts that I fear he'll do something stupid against Maul, although for now he heeds the warnings of the Force enough to keep some grip on himself. I'm so glad Mace Windu did come with him.

    But even if he and Mace survive, will Le'orath? Will Ben???

    And you also left us with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan at Sidious' doorsteps! All those Jedi around them, but I fear for them a lot. There's no Mace here to help them confront Sidious as in RofS, and Obi-Wan's vision makes me really worried about what will happen. Not to mention Obi-Wan's state of mind as well. He's going to confront the dark without a true, clean connection to the Force *shiver*

    I'm very sad that I finally caught up with the last chapter, because this is such a fantastic story and now I'll have to wait *gasp*! Hopefully you are already writing the next part, please, please! [face_praying] [face_praying] [face_praying]


    As for the whole of the story: I have to admit that I didn't know what to think of 'But' at first, but it all makes sense with Betrayal. You paint a chilling picture of what more machinations from Palpatine might have led up to and the Jedi are now is such dissaray that with Obi-Wan I have a hard time believing they can get back on their feet again. Especially since so many of the best were sent off and murdered, and because now there is the Bendu, who have taken over the role of the Jedis in a way I find so much more Jedi than the Jedi were. How can they not be, with Qui-Gon as their leader? :D I think you translated his compassion for all life beautifully into the ways of the Bendu.

    Awesome plot all around, with so many elements of the PT in it.

    I love where you took the canon characters: Qui-Gon with his inner calm and still determined to do what the Force tells him, and how he has managed with that attitude to twart Sidious time and again until now Sidious needs him to be dead; Obi-Wan so alone, even with Atel, and so full of guilt and doubt about his mission and in the end about the whole of the order and himself as well, he's been manipulated so badly - and the pain of their seperation shines through loud and clear ('Naming Ben' was also such a good example of that). And Anakin, he's just that headstrong teen you want to trottle at times, but he's also struggling to do what is right. I see the teen that was in the PT here. Thank you for that little part about begging and what begging means to him, relating who he is now with his past as a little, helpless boy owned by others.

    I love the OC's as well, they are so vividly real. I want to trottle Atel even more often than Anakin, truly, she gets on my nerves just as much as she gets on Obi-Wan's, more even I think, but through it all shines her need to do the right thing and her devotion to Obi-Wan; so much of her ideas are not her fault, although her lack of trust in her master is. I've already mentioned Le'orath. And then there's the new Jedi council, especially masters Tharten, Sle'fey and Xacor. Tharten is loathsome, she gives me the shivers. And Sle'fey and Xacor, I know what they did isn't the Jedi way and harsh, very harsh, but I can't help applaud them. They didn't shirk their duty and did what it takes, no matter how hard and distasteful, trying to keep as many of the Order safe as they could in the mean time, but ruthless in their pursuit of who was really behind it all. And I think it was the only way, because I'm sure there must have been others opposing what was going on and only these two managed to make a diff
  7. mujapple-juicey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 21, 2008
    star 4
    Where's the postie? [looks under computer]
    Where is it? [opens the fridge]
  8. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    I had planned to at least replying to my many readers before this but Real life is being very very real at the moment. :( I have started writing the next part but it will be a while. Plus I'm going on vacation for a week so when I get back, I'll at least reply to all my wonderful readers.

    Thanks for being so patient with me.
  9. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    Sorry to hear that things are so rough for you. I hope that things will work themselves out. Enjoy your vacation! And I'm sure I'll be able to stand the wait for a while longer.... :p

    --later--
    6669 [face_devil]
  10. mujapple-juicey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 21, 2008
    star 4
    Alas, the time when real life kicks in!
    [face_praying] enjoy your vacation!
  11. mujapple-juicey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 21, 2008
    star 4
    Nol crud.
    I'm stuck in isolation.
  12. mujapple-juicey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 21, 2008
    star 4
  13. mujapple-juicey Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 21, 2008
    star 4
    Just for this to be on the first page.
  14. Ara-gon Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2005
    star 2
    Gah!

    Gah! Gah!

    *gasps for air*

    Curse you, Diane! Why do you have to be such a marvelous writer? :p It's evil, you know. Suck us in with a fascinating AU, give Qui a lovely wife and family, make us care about the characters (even Atel!) and then start stripping it all away into death and darkness. You push us closer to the brink. With. Every. Blasted. Post.

    But I love it.

    Quick comments. Where has Yoda been all this time? Not Le'! No, no, no! Not her or either of her children! Or Qui! Or Obi! Or . . .! *chews fingernails* Maul is creepy, evil, and despicable. I'm relieved Mace is forcing Anakin to work together to take Maul. It's all so believable.


    =D==D=

    *nervously awaits the rest*




  15. Sionnach-Airgid Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2005
    :eek: :_| Oh, wow! I really have been off the boards for far too long! dianethx, I confess, that I have no idea where to begin other than to sound like a broken record and say what an amazing story this is! If it was allowed to be published for sale in bookstores, I would buy it without hesitation!

    Poor poor Obi! I feel so bad for him. He's given his entire life to the order and, whether it was the will of the Force or not, he has suffered more than anyone ever should. I completely understand his lack of enthusiasm to be invited to sit on the Council. I agree that maybe the whole order should just start over. When something has become so corrupt that no one even knows where to begin, it is sometimes better to go back to the roots and start again fresh. However, I know whatever direction you decide to take the Jedi Order in, will be fantastic to read about.

    My biggest concern, of course, is for Obi. Despite the fact that I would like nothing more for him to be far away from the organizatins that caused him so much harm, if the Jedi Order still perseveres, it would seem unnatural for Obi not to be a Jedi. It's such apart of him.

    I do hope that Obi gives the council appointment a serious consideration. If the Council actually chooses to listen to his advice, then there is hope for the galaxy. If not, then I'm not sure that anything will work. In fact if Obi doesn't rejoin the order or he does and they continue to do their own thing. Then he's definately better off leaving.

    I would post more however it's about 2am for me and my eyes are shutting. Wonderful as always!

    =D= =D= =D= @};- @};- @};-
  16. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    First of all, I'd really like to thank my readers for being so patient. Honestly, I was working on this for months and it just didn't want to work. I swear I have grey hairs from the darn thing. Hope it's good enough that you won't lynch me for making you wait this long.
    Sorry, sorry, sorry!

    Valairy_Scot ? Nope, the next chapter is still on Coruscant. I thought we should see what Palpatine was up to. I am cruel, indeed. Thanks about the rooting for me. I didn't win but it was enough that people nominated me. I was quite happy about it. :)

    Family is very important in this story ? biological family, Jedi family. I'm glad you picked that out!

    Yes, the Force wanted Obi-Wan to stay in the Order. This is a long-term issue. In some ways, the Force is moving this along. Obi is one of the main players, the catalyst for the beginning or the end to the darkness. You'll just have to see which it is. But while his anger should be directed at the Force (as you said), I don't see Obi-Wan doing that, either in this story or canon. Plus it's only been a couple of days. He's still reeling from all the revelations.

    Glad you liked it!


    wolf-kenobi ? Yes, Obi-Wan's disillusionment is key here. He's been through so much and it's really up to him whether to give up on the Jedi or see it through to the end. Right now, he's so mixed up and exhausted that he's not making a clear decision either way. He just hasn't had time. [face_worried]

    Thanks.


    Musing ? Both Xacor and Sle'fey are overconfident! Way overconfident. ;) They believe that the Force is directing them toward this final confrontation but they are assuming a lot here. Plus it's still not certain if the Order is salvageable or that Obi will help them. They are indeed wearing blinders. But that's the nature of characters. Sometimes they make mistakes.

    Cliffhangers ? oh but there's one more cliffhanger and then resolution in a couple of posts. It's almost over! Hurray! Thanks.


    JediNemesis ? thanks. That is so lovely to say. I'm just happy that I still have readers since I don't post nearly fast enough.

    Luckily this story is long enough that I can give each character something to say and do and let them shine, if only for one or two posts. I had a great deal of fun writing Maul, I must admit. He's one sick puppy! But if you look at his upbringing, there wasn't really much he could have done to overcome his training.

    Glad you liked the OCs as well. I like to think of them as flesh-and-blood characters, really three dimensional. They have lives beyond what is going on here, even some of the ones who are on-screen for a couple of paragraphs. As for speaking roles in this story, I don't want to count either. It's got to be a lot!

    Nope, the next post is all Palpatine/Sidious. I thought we'd see just what he was doing.

    The post after that will be Anakin and Mace and Maul. It's not going to be pretty, as you said. Anakin needs to reign himself in and I don't see him doing that. Mace, too, needs to back off with Anakin and he's not doing that either. Fighters out of sync are not good! [face_shame_on_you]

    So glad you spotted the parallel between Mace/Anakin's conversation and Obi/Anakin's convo in the movie. I was thinking about that very scene when I wrote the little fight between them.

    I love Anakin even though he's sometimes a pain in the butt. He is impulsive and heroic and sweet and foolish. Great character!

    Thanks.


    DarkAnakinfan ? Obi-Wan has a lot to be bitter about. He really can't tell whether they are still lying to him or trying to manipulate him. So he's very wary.

    LOL about Maul in the previous post. He is indeed evil. I just loved writing him! :D

    I'll add you to my PM list. Thanks.


    Cole_Kenobi ? Thanks. Glad you liked it. Obi-Wan has very little to lose other than his life or Qui-Gon's. We shall see what happens! Thanks.


    Kitara ? LOL. Yes, I don't believe that Obi-Wan trusts them either. Certain others? As in/>
  17. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    My apologies. Life has been very real and on top of that I got the worst case of writer's block I'd ever had. I've been working on this post for weeks and weeks and it was like slogging through mud. At least it's done! **sigh of relief **

    Sidious could feel that there was something amiss.

    He would have preferred the currents of the Force be stained with the rich oily black of tortured souls begging for death or the molten red of innocent blood. But instead there was only a shadowy murk; the greys of growing Lightside filth were all but polluting the darkness. There were warnings there, of hidden agendas and dangers yet unseen.

    It would appear that the Jedi scum were trying to corrupt the Force with their good intentions.

    He supposed that he should be amused. After all, they were insignificant, insects all, trapped in their Codes and duty, incredibly blind to the fate that awaited them. But he'd be a fool to ignore the warnings and Darth Sidious was no fool.

    At least the traps were in place. He'd checked them a few hours ago and he was certain that nothing would survive should it come to a fight, not even Jedi. In that, he was satisfied.

    Turning back into Palpatine persona, he twisted around and began paying attention once more to the prattlings of Senators hovering in his office. He had to admit that at least the Jedi trash has some integrity, that they weren't willing to do anything for power - well except for Tharten and her cronies. But the creatures in the room had no such compunction. Instead they were quite willing to killing their own hive-mates or the younglings under their care or any other sentient being who got in their way.

    So much for Senatorial principles.

    Indeed, before him was a perfect example of what the glorious Senate had become. A mixture of oily syncophant and fool, the cretin, Kenth Zaros, head of the Oversight Committee on Jedi Affairs, stood before him. He was obviously trying to garner attention. His tunic alone would be enough to guarantee that. It was a blazing eyesore, full of red and eye-popping yellows, the corusca gems edging his sleeves worth a Core planet's yearly revenue.

    The man should be gutted like the slime he was, the insignificant worm. Palpatine would have liked a little sport but instead of watching the Zaros's blood soaking the carpet in streams of hot liquid, he had to nod gravely and try to look interested.

    "Supreme Chancellor, I welcome this opportunity to see Jinn brought to justice, murderous coward that he is." The rat-faced simpleton was rubbing his hands together, and snickering.

    Palpatine tried not to laugh at the sight. It was just too absurd. The brazen peacock knew nothing of justice.

    However, he had to play to his audience. He put on his most benevolent yet concerned look, the grandfatherly visage, one that had fooled so many before. He shook his head, saying, "Yes, I was shocked when I heard the news. Jinn certainly has much to answer for."

    Zaros nodded eagerly. "He deserves his fate. Master Tharten was a good administrator, Jedi though she was, and she certainly knew how to manipulate those ruffians into accepting their situation. She was fair-minded, tenacious and tough, honorable, too - unlike most of the Jedi. She was quick to understand how scarce resources are these days and always willing to trim her budget in order to help the Republic. A true leader."

    "Indeed she was. Master Tharten will be sorely missed." Palpatine bowed his head for a moment, pretending to be saddened by the event.

    "Well said, Supreme Chancellor." Zaros looked almost as if he would miss Tharten. Perhaps, he would. She certainly made the fool's job that much easier. "It will be more difficult now to keep those idiotic Jedi in line. They have no idea of basic economics and are incapable of money management. We may need to take over the Council ourselves."

    That would never do. He was so close to the final eradication of the Jedi that any interaction with the Senate might force his hand. He would have to squelch/>
  18. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Hmmmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmmmmmm, I'm thinking that the Jedi were ready for everything, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, there's not a lot of room for that in this. You leave me looking for the next scene. [face_mischief]

    And you can't write Palpatine too evil. [face_devil] But I'm really wondering what's going on in Obi-Wan's head. Him being that angry, when he's around Sidious, is more worrisome than the traps.



  19. Musing Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2003
    star 2
    Boy, you sure do things even-handedly, dianethx! Even Palpatine gets betrayed by the Jedi. Heh. But that's only a smidgen of what he deserves.

    You also seem to like leaving us with cliffhangers in seemingly hopeless situations. Le'orath's still stuck with Maul, and now you've got Palpatine going all Sithly.

    Even though it's been giving me gray hairs, you're doing a great job with Betrayal, dianethx . =D=
  20. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    <shakes head> Even in a bout of severe writer's block you still manage to put together something so well written that it makes me jealous. So well planned, so intricately plotted. Such amazing characterization of Sidious. This is awesome, I'm glad you've updated it! I hope to heck you can update this again soon!

    Amazing job! [:D] =D=
  21. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    Once again, Diane, your language is nearly intoxicating and powerful, dripping with evocative images.

    I see Palps pulled the same "Jedi traitors" quivering voice he did in the novel (wasn't that the novel?). He thinks he has the upper hand - and probably not for at least 2 chapters will we readers see if that is confirmed or not.

    Now I've got to go back and rework my ready-to-be-posted chapter because I daren't put it up within days of yours - it would look so paltry and superficial in comparison. <hangs head>

    Tour de force!
  22. Seremela Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2008
    star 3
    [:D] YES, A NEW CHAPTER!!! *doing happy dance*

    And what a chapter, wow! =D= You write Sidious great - how he perceives the Force, his thoughts and how he puts on his Palpatine facade. How he plans for every possibility even if he thinks he has won and seeing the Jedi through his eyes....

    He's truly evil and so smart, truly Sidious. =D=

    And yes, another evil cliffhanger, because he seems to have won! No, no, no, this is too horrible! And I'm afraid that now you'll be going back to Naboo. Of course I want to know what's happening there but... but... Qui-Gon and Obi! And all the other Jedi! And Sidious' evil plans to blame them for all the death and destruction!

    With on top of it all the disturbing image he has of Obi-Wan through the Force....

    "It will be all right Obi-Wan" - not very likely :_| :_| :_|


    [face_love] I think you did a great job with that. It's why I love your Bendu, dianethx, it's what the Jedi should have been IMO (and how I saw Qui-Gon in the movie)



  23. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4


    You write that Devil[face_skull] so well and if I wasn't so against him winning anything.
    I would say his act of the poor innocent Chancellor would see him win.
    If he outmanoeuvred them and actually killed the Jedi without them knowing it was a trap then it is sad to say he should win.:eek:

    Though I don't think you would be that mean to let him
    win totally.[face_shame_on_you]
    Surely the Jedi aren't that gullible.o_O I can?t wait to see what you come up with in the next post.

    If the last one was hard to write then the next one will be too.[face_coffee]

    Who should die and who should live I could give you my list of Jedi to save but I'm sure you have your own.[face_thinking]

    Excellent.=D=

  24. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Oh no, it can't the that easy for the Sith to win. :( :(

    Adored Sidious' musings on everything. Evil bastage!!!
  25. Ocelotl_Nesto Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2004
    star 4
    OOH...

    Very well written. You get into Palpy's head well...

    I hope the Jedi get a crack at him before they become outlaws.

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