Betrayal (Obi/Qui angst - very AU) Updated Sept 20, 2011 - Complete

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by dianethx, Mar 16, 2003.

Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Funny how easily it is to jump back into your fic Diane. That was fantabulous action, though I did tear up at poor Mace's demise. I thought for ha;f a sec he had been faking the severity of his injury, but no such luck.



    Things change Diane, but I understand losing the love of SW. I hope you have found a new outlet for your creativity then.
  2. Cole_Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 17, 2005
    star 2
    Wow. Just,wow. You've still got it. The writing in this chapter was awesome. Well done. =D= And I'd like to say thank you for the update! I too, have lost interesnt in the Star Wars universe but story updates like yours just keep me coming back, so thanks for bringing me back, maybe it'll help me remember how much I liked these stories.
  3. Ocelotl_Nesto Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2004
    star 4
    Back! What a post!... Mace is down and out, Anakin pulls an upset. You may have some Mace fans who would claim that he could have rocked the Sith, but in this AU the Zabrack has had a ton of experience and is a killing machine. Definitely more dangerous than in the Phantom Menance.

    Very well done. Welcome back.
  4. jedidas3 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 25, 2007
    star 3
    Ask me how happy I am to see an update for this story! You still amaze me, Diane. Your ability to paint a story with your words is truly a gift. It makes me so proud that I can say that I was your last Padawan!
  5. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Aaaaaaaah, that's one Sith down. Whew. And mother and son are fine. Good for Qui-Gon. Very satisfying Of course,, there's that other Sith out there..... I wonder if Palpatine will realize that Maul is gone?

    And that was a nice CC. :) It was great sharing a room with you....and not just because of the DVDs of the Merlins you brought. ;) But everything you've said about the darkening of the SW books just makes me extra glad that I gave up on the EU books back in the early 1990's. Not even Zahn's trilogy could get me very interested. Ah well. If the spark isn't there, it's not there. It's just gone somewhere else.
  6. Jedi_Perigrine Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Yay! Finally an update! Great job, Diane, I've been looking forward to a conclusion to this for a long time. How rude of you to keep us in suspense for so long. :p ;)

    Great work! I love how it was teamwork that undid the monster, even between two men who didn't like each other much. Good stuff! I'm looking forward to the next update!
  7. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4

    You write great stories. Thanks for writing them.=D=
  8. bek Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2005
    star 4
    Oh, my gosh...:eek: That was intense!

    I can't believe Mace is dead, but then he went out as the Bendu he was. I'm glad Anakin and Ben are all right and that there's at least a chance, even if a slim chance, that Le'orath could live...but is the baby all right? [face_worried]

    I hope everything works out back on Coruscant.

    This was well worth the wait, Diane. And as far as your Star Wars writing days coming to an end...your creative story telling will be missed!! Good luck in your new fandom. :)
  9. Kivas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2005
    star 1
    It's understandable that the passion for Star Wars has faded for you - it did seem way too quick to get
    rid of Mara and Jason in the same series.

    Please, please, please post an update soon :)
    Great post.
  10. Jaira Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2005
    star 4
    Holy cow! :eek: That was so intense, so wonderful! I hope you find time and bunnies for the next post soon...
  11. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Musing ? Yes, first post. I'm glad that the fight worked for you. I did have fun putting together the scenario with the barn and all the moving pieces. Trying to keep them straight was fun, too.

    Poor Mace. But I thought Maul needed to kill someone or else he'd be rather ineffective. Whistles about the resolution with Le'orath and the baby. That will become more apparent after the next post.

    Yes, Merlin has sucked me into that universe and I'm really obsessed at the moment. It doesn't mean I'll never come back but I will be writing Merlin fic for a while at least. Thanks!


    Seremela ? It was a hard decision to make but Star Wars just doesn't have my heart at the moment. It belongs to a magician hiding his powers from a maniac king ? Merlin. Besides, I've been trying to get back into the EU and every time I think about it, I just can't. So Star Wars is gone for now. But I won't say I'll never be back, just not now.

    Thanks about the story and the intense fight. I really had a great (but difficult) time writing it. It was certainly fun to set it up so that my characters could play. Yes, poor Mace but someone had to die to prove that Maul was a strong Sith and I wanted Anakin to survive. Thanks so much for replying. I really appreciate it.


    Healer_Leona ? Thanks so much. Glad you enjoyed the action. I took a group of seminars recently with Mike Stackpole and Aaron Allston (fabulous) [face_dancing] and they really helped me with my work for the next post.

    Yes, things change. I did try to keep up my love for SW but it's just not happening. Yes, my new love is Merlin and I'm writing fic for that tv series. Thanks for understanding.


    Cole_Kenobi ? Thanks so much. Glad you enjoyed the fight. Yes, it's always hard to lose interest in something that has been such a large part of my life. I'm hoping it will come back someday. Thanks for all your support.


    Ocelotl_Nesto ? Mace is down and out but at least he went well into that good night. I did think that Maul would be even more of a threat with experience. Just glad it came through.


    Jedidas3 ? long time no hear. I hope you are still writing. I must admit I haven't been to Before much but you have such a gift, you need to keep writing. Thanks for everything!


    ardavenport ? Had a great time at Dragoncon. It was lovely to see you again. And CC was fun!

    Yes one Sith down and one to go. Mother and son are still alive. But there's still one Sith and he's a pretty powerful one. Thanks for reviewing.


    Jedi_Perigrine - Thanks. Glad you liked it. It was hard writing that scene and the next one was worse. Hope you like it.


    Gkikenny ? thanks. I appreciate it.


    bek ? Yes, Mace is dead. I needed to show that Maul was a powerful Sith and Mace would really be the only one to take him out so, of course, he had to die. Ben and Anakin are fine and Le'orath survived but I wouldn't leave much hope for the baby. Maul stabbed her in the gut.

    Thanks. I'm having a great time in my new Merlin fandom, reading like mad and writing, too. I feel giddy just enjoying it, like I used to with Phantom Menace stories. But good luck with you and Star Wars stories. You have a great gift!


    Kivas - Thanks Glad you enjoyed this one. A new post is coming up.


    Jaira ? Glad you liked it. I do love intense!
  12. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Chapter 37 - The Will of the Force

    In the distance, someone was screaming.

    Trying to breathe, his arm on fire, his mind reeling, Obi-Wan felt as if he'd been shredded, as if every nerve had been fried in an electrical storm. He lay there for a moment, disjointed, confused. He didn't know whether he should try and get up or sink back into the abyss. But he knew he had to do something or be someone or rescue?

    Deep groans off to his left, and beyond his blurred vision, a voice rose in terror. A sharp hiss, an off-pitched whine cutting through superheated air. A laugh, pleasure-filled and obscene.

    The screaming stopped - abruptly.

    The sounds almost didn't register, almost seemed part of a nightmarish vision from someone else's universe, one he could ignore if he would just let it. Just let it go.

    But between one shuddering, pain-filled breath and another, his confusion cleared.

    Palpatine.

    They had to take down Palpatine or Sidious or? it didn't matter what he called himself. He was a Sith Lord.

    That line of thought crystallized into certainty. If he didn't find the strength to get up and confront that madman, he never would. He'd be the next sacrifice in a sea of bloodied corpses. And he had very little time.

    Every movement was an effort but somehow he was able to lift his head and push himself into a half-sprawled confusion of raw skin and agonized nerve endings. It hurt to breathe, to think, to be; black spots threatened to tunnel into his vision and there was a buzzing in his mind. Or was it from a lightsaber blade cutting the air?

    He tried to shake his head, bring focus back to his mission but that wasn't exactly a good idea. His sight grayed, the pain trying to pull him back into unconsciousness. But he couldn't allow it, not now. Instead, he used all the powers under his command, used the Force and his own stubborn will to shove it aside, to lock his damnable weakness behind durasteel walls.

    He found enough strength to twist upright, knees digging into the carpet, hands splayed wide to keep him from falling over. Ignoring the pain, he lifted his head and looked around.

    Carnage shrouded the room. There were bodies everywhere, some moving, others still as death.

    Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a few had escaped the hideous outpouring of destructive energy and even now were fighting for their lives near Palpatine's desk. Red saber fire and a bright flash and then there was a line of blue energy.

    Someone was fighting hard to push back the Sith's blade and the bark of effort was Sle'fey's. Obi-Wan couldn't see Master Xacor anywhere but Rostak's green saber was brilliant in the room.

    The Jedi seemed to be winning, after all.

    There was a flash of satisfaction in his chest. A Jedi was taught from early childhood to ignore such a self-absorbed emotion but Obi-Wan reveled in it. It felt good, for once, to know that their efforts had not been in vain and Sidious, Palpatine, Sith Lord, whatever that madman's name truly was, would get what he deserved.

    But the balance could shift again, all too easily.

    Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon had to be his first priority. Obi-Wan could not feel him in the Force. The currents were too filled with corruption to see more than shadows but he knew his master was alive; he knew it. Now all Obi-Wan needed to do was find him, and release him from the binders before it was too late. And then join with the other Jedi to bring Sidious to justice. All it would take was effort - and luck.

    He frowned, trying to get his bearings, trying to find Qui-Gon. His master had been further from the center of the firestorm than the others and half-shielded by the Senate guard when the attack came. That same guard was now a corpse, one among many.

    One knee still pressed against the carpet, Obi-Wan balanced, struggled to get up. He needed to stand, the better to locate his master among the pile of bodies but before he could get to his feet, his eyes caught a glimpse of dark leggings and boots - they looked like Qui-Gon's, and the rest was hidden from view by the guard'/>
  13. Valairy Scot Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 6
    Well...I guess I'm not updating anything of mine tonight ;) - I'm too blown away by this. :eek: Wow - just wow.

    Chaotic maelstrom of emotions and emotions...diminishing to - simple grief. That was the perfect way to pull us from all the energetic can't-breath to a simple indrawn gasp - that was a perfect way to end this chapter.

    But Atel...:_| Poor Obi-Wan! :_| [:D]

    But Sids is dead! =D= [face_peace] [face_dancing]
  14. Jedi_Perigrine Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Unbelievable post. You handled the complexity of the scene wonderfully and tugged all the right strings. Poor Atel's scene was marvelously sad, and as well done as the entire post. Wonderful stuff, I really look forward to more of this.

    Awesome!
  15. Musing Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2003
    star 2
    *peeks out from under the bed" Is it safe to come out now? [face_worried]

    And here I thought the battle between Maul, Mace and Anakin was so impressive... What a fight! :eek: It's like the scenes from Naboo in TPM and in the Chancellor's office in ROTS all rolled into one.

    Poor Obi-Wan! :( Losing Atel like that may be the loss of his final tie to the Jedi. Good thing Qui-Gon survived the fight. [face_dancing] Without him, it looks as if Obi-Wan would be completely lost. Be a shame if Palpatine/Sidious was able to score a win, even with his death, by turning Obi-Wan to the Dark Side.

    Great work, dianethx! =D=
  16. Kynstar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 2, 2004
    star 5
    So intense! Wow totally wow indeed! :eek: Woman, thy name is amazing!

    Poor Atel :( so sad [face_shame_on_you] Hey you weren't supposed to kill her off :p ;) but what a way to do it! Man oh man! Glad Sle'fey survived ;) he is one of my fave OCs in this tale :D

    Yay! Qui survived as well as Obi-Wan! But...at what cost? Poor Obi :( :_| So much gone...and now Atel as well. Blame upon blame, he isn't going to be in too good of a shape after this. But the evil is gone, so hopefully that'll be some conciliation if any.

    Well done! Soooo enjoyed the fighting! And so graphic as well! Juz so much to say, but not enough time. Gotta hurry to my meeting, but I had to read this before!! :D LOL bad me in having fun before work ;)

    dianethx you have blown me away once more with this chapter. You juz can't stop, but hey! That's the way uhuh we like it...uhuh yeah that's the way we like it! (my sad attempt at that song [face_laugh] )


    Thanks again for continuing the tale! [:D] And as soon as I can get to the library I'm gonna read up on the Merlin tales ;) my work won't let me in that site...which is weird, because I can see these boards... totally don't make sense.


  17. Ocelotl_Nesto Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2004
    star 4
    Wow!

    That was terrible and terrific. Sad to see Obi loose Atel. But it was very well done.
  18. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Val ? thanks so much. I really appreciate you reviewing this here and on ff.n, too. I wanted to start intense and work it down until we reach a low. Grief for all he'd lost and he's mourning more than just Atel but his whole life at the moment. Hopefully he'll get better with time.


    Jedi_Perigrine ? I'm glad that it came across. I wanted to leave the reader wrung out and I hope I did that. Sadness for poor Atel and Obi-Wan is also what I was going for. Poor guy has been through the wringer. Thanks for reviewing.


    Musing ? LOL Yes, it's safe to come out now. The two main Sith are dead. As for the fight, the Maul fight was so intense using the environment to escalate the conflict, I needed something more gruesome to make it even harder for our Jedi to fight. After all, Sidious would use anything at hand, even living beings if he had to.


    Yes, poor Obi-Wan. He's really exhausted and grief-stricken at the moment. Qui-Gon may be able to help him or maybe not. Obi-Wan did come mighty close to using the Dark. So he'll need someone to guide him back into the Light. Glad you liked it!


    Kynstar ? I had to kill Atel off. If she was still around, there would be less conflict for what Obi is going to decide next. Obi-Wan certainly isn't in good shape at the moment and hopefully Qui will be able to help him. I'm so glad that it came across. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to top the Maul fight scene. I did want it to be graphic, more than just because it was unsettling but because Sidious would use every tool in the book including living beings to use as weapons. I've never seen that in other stories and I wanted to do something different. I hope I succeeded.

    As for the Merlin tales, I also have them on tf.n. I thought ff.n would be easier but since you can't get onto the site, here's the tf.n listings. I'm especially proud of Conversations with a sorceress. I thought it was one of the best things I've ever written.

    conversations with a sorceress
    miscommunication
    Merlin drabbles
    Draca alysan


    Ocelotl_Nesto ? Thanks so much. Glad you enjoyed it. It was very hard to write but it came out the way I wanted it so I was quite happy when I was able to post it.
  19. bek Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2005
    star 4
    Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are both going to need time to heal. I wonder if Qui-Gon will fall back into Master mode despite everything that has gone on back at home. Will he be strong for his former padawan and help him overcome his grief and brush with the dark side, or will Obi-Wan have to shake off his own grief to be strong for his former master in dealing with Qui-Gon's wife's injury, the possible demise of their unborn child and Mace's death.

    I hope Obi-Wan doesn't decide to stay with the Jedi. Or perhaps the Bendu will return and help rebuild the Order. So many possibilities. [face_thinking]

    The scene with Palpatine was wonderfully done! The tension was so thick it was like a veil over the whole scene.

    Can't wait for more! =D=
  20. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    bek - Yes, they are both going to need to heal. Obi-Wan is pretty overwhelmed at the moment, in pain, grieving and mistrustful. As for Obi-Wan staying with the Jedi, we shall see. There are lots of possibilities. Thanks about the scene with Palpatine. He was a lot of fun to write.


    Chapter 38 - Aftermath - part 1

    Empty. All he felt was empty.

    Exhausted, only half-aware of his own injuries and not particularly inclined to move even if he had the strength, Obi-Wan sat there, and tried not to think.

    He was surrounded by bodies. Next to him, Atel sprawled, a lifeless corpse, her hand already cooling in his. In some corner of his mind, he supposed it was his duty to get up, to go help sort out this debacle, give aid to the survivors, cover the dead. But he couldn't leave her, not like this. And he was so tired.

    Catching his eye, Qui-Gon gave him a sharp concerned look and then turned back to comfort one of the Senators who had a little earlier called for his Master's death. Even injured, his shoulder blackened, his movements slow and deliberate, still his old Master managed to show compassion for those who would have wished him harm. A true Jedi in every sense of the word.

    Sle'fey, on the other hand, was rushing about, talking furiously into his comlink. All bustle and business, the Bothan didn't appear to be the least bit affected by the carnage. Master Xacor, supposedly Sle'fey's good friend, and the other Jedi were dead by Sidious's hand but he seemed to ignore the devastating losses. His fur was matted with blood and surely there were other injuries, hidden under his tunics. But his bark was still strong and his eyes clear and steady. He looked almost happy.

    "Phen, we have at least 25 beings dead, Senators and bureaucrats as well as the Chancellor." Sle'fey stopped pacing for a moment, frowning down at the butchery around him, and then shook himself free and sank back into the manipulative slime Obi-Wan now knew him to be. "Yes, our sources were correct. He was a Sith Lord. There will be hell to pay but we still have a few people alive up here so send as many medivacs as you can."

    Sle'fey must have noticed Obi-Wan looking at him. Scowling, his fur whirling slightly in agitation, he turned, facing him squarely, but continuing to answer whatever questions were being asked on the other end. "Of the twelve in our group, only three of us, Jinn, Kenobi and I, are still able to function." There was an almost imperceptible flash of sorrow in the dark eyes, so brief that Obi-Wan thought it might have been his imagination. "Most of the rest are dead, including Master Xacor, and some of the ones still alive may not survive."

    Another nod as the Jedi Master said, "Be prepared to answer questions put to you by the Senate but stall as long as you can. I'll brief the Council when I return. Sle'fey out."

    As he shoved his comlink into the fastness of his tunics, the Bothan watched Obi-Wan for a moment longer, looking for all the galaxy as if he were weighing his options and finding the balance unacceptable. Or finding him unacceptable - Obi-Wan wasn't sure which - but it didn't matter. He'd lost everything he'd ever held sacred and now there was nothing left. Sle'fey's little games meant nothing to him, less than nothing. All he wanted to do was sleep and forget what he'd done, what had been done to him - and to her.

    Sle'fey must have come to some conclusion because his gaze flicked up toward the entrance to Palpatine's office. A rustling behind Obi-Wan and he twisted, not quite curious, to see the doors open and Senator Amidala sweep into the room.

    "Chancellor, I?." She stood there, looking over the devastation, seemingly shocked for a moment, then straightening up, suddenly alert and obviously ready for anything.

    Obi-Wan had read of her courage during the Siege of Naboo and she was showing it again. No frail blossom here. She looked pale but stood vigilant, her hand gripping a blaster that she must have concealed under those vast robes of hers. Obi-Wan hadn't even seen her reach for it. An able />
  21. Valairy Scot Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 6

    "Do you think I'm a good Jedi, Qui-Gon?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer; he wasn't sure he should have asked the question.

    But Qui-Gon didn't protest, must have realized that Obi-Wan was still exhausted, at the end of his rope and thinking of letting go. "I think you are a good man in need of rest and meditation. These last days have been difficult." He said quietly, "When you've regained your balance, Obi-Wan, I think you will already know the answer."


    Force, poor, poor Obi-Wan - and thank the Force for Qui-Gon. That might be the only - the best - answer possible.



    As Qui-Gon helped him to his feet and they stumbled away to the door, he thought about what would happen next. They would take samples, handle her body as if it were nothing, treat her like the corpse she was.

    The Jedi would agree, would remind him that her body was just crude matter, that Atel was already one with the Force and when her remains came back to the Temple, they would burn the shell into ash.

    But when he looked back, all he saw was her face, white and still, and wondered where his shy girl had gone.


    Hammer home the grief, the price and the sacrifice the peacekeepers pay.

    Diane - =D= a magnificent, horrible, update.
  22. Musing Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2003
    star 2
    After all the action of the previous post, dianethx, the aftermath seems kind of unreal. I'm sure Obi-Wan probably wishes it was. :(

    It's great to see Padme taking charge of things. She sure knows how to put people in their place. ;) Too bad she couldn't do a more thorough job on Master Sle'fey. I like that he's kept in character as an oily manipulator, Jedi or not.

    Interesting how Obi-Wan characterizes Qui-Gon as a "true Jedi" for his compassion towards others, but wonders whether he himself is a "good Jedi." He knows how a "good" Jedi should feel and act, but can't bring himself to care. Not really a surprise, given how Obi-Wan's been pushed to his limits and beyond in every way.

    Great job, dianethx! =D=
  23. Kynstar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 2, 2004
    star 5
    He definitely will need healing and meditation :( and not juz healing of the body. Poor Obi :( man that's juz gotta stink!

    LOL how the guards reacted and kept up their auto fingering of the Jedi as if they're the guilty ones. Well hope they all feel badly later when they realize that the lil ole 'fragile' Chancellor was not all that. [face_laugh] Man to be a fly when they see all that he does...

    Great update once again ;) Recover and ready a case :) what fun...the work for 'afterwards' seems more time consuming than the prepping sometimes! [face_laugh]

    Thanks again! [:D]
  24. Ocelotl_Nesto Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2004
    star 4
    Great Post!... Will Obi/Jinn/Padme be informed of events on Naboo? Perhaps they will feel the impact of the Sith destruction...
  25. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Val - I wanted to show that Obi-Wan is questioning everything that he was and what he needs to decide for the future. Plus this post was a transition piece to show that the Jedi need to deal with the reprecussions of Palpatine's death. I'm glad it worked for you! :D


    Musing - Yes, it's always tricky when there has been such a buildup of tension and suddenly it's released. Sort of like the aftermath of a rollercoaster ride. It leaves you feeling disoriented and unreal. Yes, I'm sure Obi-Wan would have preferred it to be unreal. He's in a lot of pain, poor guy.

    Yes, Padme is a taking charge kind of person. She was in Ep. 1 and mostly Ep 2. As for working on Sle'fey, he's a Bothan manipulator and good at what he does. He honestly thinks he's doing the right thing.

    Thanks. Glad you liked it.


    Kyn - I took some time off from my Merlin story for this update. :(

    Yes, Obi needs rest and healing for everything, body and mind. Poor guy. Yes, the Republic guards would think that the ones not dead would be the guilty parties. I'm sure they'll be quite unhappy when they find out they were wrong.

    Thanks. Glad you liked it.


    Ocelotl Nesto - Thanks. Yes, the events will become clear either in the next post or the one after that. Padme was a little busy in this post but I'm sure she'll find out soon what happened on Naboo and be able to pass along the info. Thanks.
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