Betrayal (Obi/Qui angst - very AU) Updated Sept 20, 2011 - Complete

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by dianethx, Mar 16, 2003.

Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. GeneralKenobi7 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 18, 2009
    star 4
    I just found this story and I simply LOVE it[face_love]
    You're such a great writer!

    PMs, please?[face_praying]
  2. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Just catching up on my readers. I'm still slogging away but it will be a while. Sorry!

    Gkilkenny ? The cards have been stacked against the Jedi from the beginning. It's going to be a matter of how they are going to fix it. So much corruption and yet there are a few shining lights. Betrayal, indeed. I wanted it to be such on several levels. :D


    Musing ? Yes, a spider's web. That's a very good description of what is going on. Right now, it's a mess. Whether it will get better or worse will become clearer next post. Thanks. Glad you like it so far. Not many more posts to go.;)


    Kitara ? Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. Hopefully, sometime this year it will be done. I hope so?.


    Ocelotl_Nesto ? Thanks so much. I really did plan this in a lot of detail, making sure that things fit properly. I'm glad it's coming through for you.


    Leona ? Of course, I stopped there. I love cliffies. I'm just glad you are still reading.


    Jedi_Perigrine ? It's fine that you are late reading it or reading it at all. I've been writing this thing forever and it's about time it comes to an end. Thanks so much for reading.


    Littleobiwankenobi ? Sure, I've added you to the list. Behind is okay. I'm behind in updating and it's likely to be longer yet, unfortunately. But thanks for reading.


    GeneralKenobi7 ? Thanks so much. It's been years in the writing and it's not going anywhere just yet. Yes, I've added your name to the list.
  3. Valiowk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 23, 2000
    star 6
    I just found this story and simply couldn't put it down after beginning on it. I definitely don't regret spending all my free time reading it, though - my only regret is that I didn't encounter this story earlier on. I'm completely in awe of the fact that you've been working on this story for seven years and am very touched that you're making such an effort to complete it although you mentioned that you've grown away from Star Wars.

    Reading through the earlier posts in this thread brought back many fond memories of the JC community around 2003-04, especially the close relationships between many JCers. I used to be very active in the JC during 2000-03 (although more in the Films and Community forums; I was more of a lurker in FanFic [face_blush] ); at the end of 2003 I left the JC to concentrate on mathematics olympiads, and although I visited the Forums sporadically after that - strangely enough, it was FanFic that brought me back to the JC after that - I was completely bogged down by university work and didn't have the opportunity to come back and be a regular poster at the JC until this May after graduating from university. (I don't know what's going to happen when I start graduate school this autumn, but hopefully my resolve to review fics regularly will stay strong. [face_blush] ) Since then, I've been catching up with FanFic, both new and old, and trying to be a good reviewer. Sometimes, when I read excellent fics that were written around 2003-05, and which have since been locked for a very long time, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness that I've come too late - sometimes their authors already left the boards several years ago - so, in a very strange sort of way, I'm glad this fic is still alive (even if it will soon come to an end - good for you! :) ) so that I can still leave a few comments.

    Sorry for the rambling and irrelevant comments above [face_blush] ; now, on to the fic itself:

    I'm completely bowled over by the intricacy and solidness of the plot. What starts off as an unwelcome, but apparently still managable task for Obi-Wan expands to become a matter of galactic importance, one where relationships, both past and present, between Master and Padawan, husband and wife, senior and youth are tested to their very limits; where each person's integrity is tested to the extreme; where the delay of the galaxy is confronted and righted by true heroes. I cannot begin to imagine how long you must have laboured to fill in plotholes and come up with credible explanations for the events that occurred. The quality of the plot is as good as, if not better than in a lot of profic. While I enjoy reading EU involving the Before and Saga periods (have never been a fan of NJO, though), one of the things that annoys me about a lot of the stories I read is the number of loopholes in it or endings which are too rushed or tied up too neatly to be satisfying. I really like the ending chapters you've posted up so far - you acknowledge that there are countless problems still facing the GFFA and the Jedi Order and have explored them in the detail they deserve. The title of the story, Betrayal, is so apt in so many ways: the Jedi Order's betrayal of a large number of its Masters, Knights, apprentices, and even those sent to AgriCorps; how the loyal few who remained in the Jedi Order felt that they had betrayed those who had left, and vice versa; Atel's and Obi-Wan's "betrayals" of each other, albeit unknowingly; Qui-Gon's "betrayal" of Le'onath and the new family he has when he leaves with Obi-Wan for Coruscant, etc.

    Your descriptions are magnificent. The characters are so alive: I can imagine every raising of eyebrows, twist of a mouth, the battle scenes, all that anger and fear, so vividly. I feel so bad that while I love these vivid descriptions and can imagine them while reading a post, I can never remember their wording subsequently (and from my own experience I would imagine that these are the things you go over with a thesaurus, replacing numerous times, before you're satisfied with t
  4. Freakizimi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 7, 2003
    star 1
    Do you know, Star Wars was my first ever fanfiction venture? I've since moved on to various other fandoms, but I've always had a soft spot for Star Wars. I don't remember very many of the stories I used to love, although I did keep note of some of them in an old notebook.

    I never put this story in that notebook, but I still remembered it. I STILL think about this story, even when I've been away from the Star Wars fandom for a year or two at least. You get so much rubbish in fanfiction that the gems you find tend to stick out I've found (she says, sounding like osme great expert :p ). Without sounding pompous or daft, I've got to say, for me, your story has always been one of the few in Star Wars that always stuck out for me. It's one of the few which I can remember in detail, and it's one that I can remember without the aid of my notebook.

    I'm so glad you kept going with this story - last time I heard it was almost on hiatus. I've been craving some good Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stories and I knew this one was pretty damn good and I am SO glad it's still going.

    Anyway, sorry, I apologise fo being a lurker and a bit fickle in my fandoms but this is definately one of my alltime favourite Star Wars fanfictions, if not one of my all time fanfictions in general. Just wanted to say.


    I think the thing I most love about this story are your OC's - I feel like I KNEW Atel and she wasn't just some little shadow character. I don't feel like I know Xacor or Sle'fey, but then, I don't feel like I'm supposed to (do I want to?!). I felt incensed when I was reading the chapters involving the new Council, inlcuding Tharten, and Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Atel, even though a lot of it was mostly OC. You so rarely GET that with OC's, you usually get cradboard cutouts. I think they are what makes this story - after all, I can't imagine being that incensed by Tharetn if she wasn't written well enough to sound like a real person.

    So yes, although sounding a little bit like a suck-up (sorry!), I felt bad because I've been such a lurker and left the fandom for a while. Felt I should properly make contact and say thank you for giving me what was probably one of my first tastes of how GOOD fanfiction could be, and glad you're still managing to get back to fandom every now and then. I know I'm going to keep checking back for the end sections of this story.

    All the best.
  5. KSkywalker Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 1998
    star 3
    For all of you that have only recently discovered this story, consider yourselves very fortunate! This story has been Seven Years in the making!! I wouldn't be surprised if it was the longest running (time wise) thread in history!!

    dianethx, could we have another post? Please! ;)
  6. KenobisGirl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 10, 2001
    star 4
    Just found this, I pop in every once and a while to catch up on stories I read years ago. Weird I didn't read this earlier, but I love it!! Great writing, fascinating story. Please please finish it as soon as you can, you left it on a huge cliffie! :_| :eek:
  7. Happy_Hobbit_Padawan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2003
    star 4
    I check up on this every so often to see if it's finished yet so I can read it all in one sitting. (Well, several sittings, as it's so long. :p)

    Seven years? Wow! :D I'm kind of glad I've decided to wait until it's done to start reading it again because it sounds like you've been tortuing everyone with cliffies. [face_shame_on_you] :p


  8. Ocelotl_Nesto Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2004
    star 4
    I thought of this story yesterday when I saw the economic indicator stating that the recession is over. You began writting if I recall on an inspiration of layoffs and cost cutting. But even with the Sith dead the conflict is still not over. Just like the recession may be over, but unemployment is still high.
  9. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    First, I must apologize. My notifications weren't working and I had no idea that anyone else had commented. I've been working steadily on this story since I last posted. As everyone who has read this story knows, I'm a very slow writer. But I do plan on updating it more regularly until it's done.

    Valiowk ? Oh, my. Your comments have bowled me over. I don't know what to say. Thanks seems so paltry for what you've written but thank you really!

    Yes, the JC was a hot-bed of activity in the earlier days. I remember being so energized about writing and even running a thread on Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan for fanfic. I really loved it at the time but things and people move on. I'm currently in mad-love with Merlin, the BBC tv show so have been writing mostly that universe. But I'm determined to finish this. I'd hoped to be done by the end of the year but knowing me (a very slow writer), that's not likely. However, I am working on it.

    Thanks so much about the plot. I love a good plotline. When I started this story so many years ago, I came up with the plot and went into pretty detailed analysis of it, including timelines, OC characteristics, etc. I figured it would be about 50 pages long! Ha! It's now past 400 and still going. I don't like plotholes in my fic so I was determined not to let there be any. Hopefully, I've accomplished that, although we'll see what people say when I'm finally done.

    As you can probably tell, I love description, always have. So I try and put it into my stories as much as I can. Yes, I use a thesaurus a lot!

    As for the Bendu, I wanted to take the Jedi back to their roots. They'd lost their way in the canon universe and I think they would have lost their way in mine as well. I also wanted to show how much the Jedi had declined with the budget cuts and political machinations and compare them with the 'purer' form of Jedi. As you have suggested, it should be interesting to see if some Jedi-turned-Bendu return to the Jedi. I know but you don't just yet!

    Ah, Atel. She frustrated a lot of people but that was part of the plan. I think that characters should frustrate the reader at times; after all, I want them to feel real and a realistic character won't always follow what the reader wants.

    Yes, Obi-Wan had been through so much that I thought he would have lost his balance and needs time to regain it. Although this story seems like forever, it's actually pretty short in the timeline of the story.

    Glad you liked it so much. I've put your name on my PM list.


    Freakizimi ? I've also moved on to another fandom.

    I'm honored that you'd think of this story and that you didn't need a notebook to remember it. Wow.

    Yes, I'm continuing the story. I've been writing it steadily for a while now. I joined a writing group that tracks word counts and it's really helped a lot. As for being a lurker, I'm well aware of it. I use fanfiction.net for tracking hits and I've found that I get maybe 1 review for every 100-200 hits. So it's not a problem!

    Glad you liked my OCs. With a story this long, OCs are essential. Plus I wanted some of them to contrast with our canon characters. Atel is a much harder version of a young Obi-Wan, more rule-bound and rigid but I also wanted to give her a reason to be that way and it also helped the plot, too. :D I do try and make my OCs as rich and varied as possible. Glad it came through.

    Don't worry about being a lurker. I've been bad as a writer so I'm just glad you let me know. Thanks so much!


    KSkywalker ? I'm still working on it but another post will be up momentarily!

    KenobisGirl - Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked it. As for cliffies, I love them. Love them! Both as a reader and a writer. So expect a few more. :D

    Happy_Hobbit_Padawan ? I remember you saying that you were waiting for it to be done before reading. A wise decision, it would seem!

    Ocelotl_Nesto ? yes, it's kind of sad that this story is still about money and economics and the evil that it can do. Unemployment is still high and I don't see it getting better f
  10. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Chapter 41 - Finding their way - part 1

    Qui-Gon knew it would be bad.

    The Force was roiling in discord, blacks and reds of greed, malicious excitement and the satisfaction of bring a prey to ground from Amedda and Divinan and a dozen others standing there watching the Jedi with revenge in their eyes. In the currents, too, were the blues of guilt-sorrow, swirling around Obi-Wan as he sat there, his face pulling into grief and the yellows of cowardice from some of the Senators. The greys were all Zar's and Mothma's, their confusion and concern bleeding into the ether and the soft whites of determination from Amidala and Organa and a few others too far away to pinpoint.

    All focused on the holovid that was springing into life before them.

    Shoving aside his own grief, his body, his mind tied there by duty and the chains of capture, unable to go to his family until this was done, he drew in a breathe, let it out, prepared himself for what was to come.

    It was bad, worse that he'd ever thought. All a lie, from the first moment the scene unfolded.

    As the transmission sharpened, Qui-Gon could see the doors in Palpatine's office beginning to open; he could see the hazy figures of the Jedi, their faces full of grim determination already edging fast into ferocity. Sle'fey's muzzle pulled back into a snarl, Xacor's eyes promising slow death to any who crossed him. Qui-Gon was center stage among the crowd, his hands free, the Force cuffs dangling in his grip, a triumphant smile on his face as he strode purposefully toward Palpatine.

    An impossible distortion of what had happened.

    Lightsabers ready in their hands but still unlit, the Jedi spread out, flanking the guards. The onlookers among them looked almost bewildered, as if they'd come there for something else entirely and only now realizing that they were in danger. Several of them began edging along the walls, stealing toward the exits.

    As the Jedi advanced on him, Palpatine shrank back behind his desk, a frail, ancient grandfatherly figure, blinking at them as if he didn't understand what was happening and beginning to be terrified of the possibilities.

    "What is the meaning of this? You can't just come in here?," Palpatine was saying, some of the confidence in his voice returning, although he kept behind the desk as if he thought it would shield him from harm.

    Sle'fey's muzzle pulled back into a contemptuous sneer; he marched over to the man, fingering his saber as he went, intimidating and confident and lethal. "Darth Sidious, you will come with us to a place of trial to be judged for your crimes against the Jedi. You, sir, are a Sith Lord and will face the ultimate penalty for it."

    "This is beyond belief." His voice quavering just as Qui-Gon had remembered it, the chancellor was already babbling, looking the part of the innocent, tears in his eyes. It would seem that the slicer had done an excellent job of using Palpatine's own words to mold the deceit into believability. "I had always tried to help the Order. And to lie... to fabricate such accusations is beyond anything I would have imagined."

    "Spare us the protestations, Sidious. We know that you are using the Senate to destroy the Jedi. Did you think we would not notice?"

    With a wave of his paw, Sle'fey signaled the Jedi and as one, their sabers suddenly turned on, humming fiercely, the brilliant light discordant and deadly in their hands.

    There was a sharp rising clamor of alarm from the crowd, and more of them were looking towards escape, obviously hoping to get past the sabers and out of harm's way. But the Jedi were blocking the exits.

    The holovid image of Palpatine was drawing back, as if he had somehow regained the courage to stand up to armed Jedi, looking more like the Republic's honored Supreme Chancellor with every breath. "You have no right to come in here and make false accusations. This is insane."

    "Don't bother denying it, Sidious. You have used your powers to bring down the Jedi Order." Sle'fey sniffed the air, looked at Palpatine with implacable eyes. "Now it is our turn.
  11. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    Wow, Diane. Just wow. There is hope, I think...but what really strikes me is the deep friendship between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. I hope at some point Qui's wife will accept it.
  12. Musing Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2003
    star 2
    Aw, geez, dianethx...

    Just when it seems that there's hope for the Jedi, you have to go and stick a lightsaber through it. [face_shame_on_you]

    Great writing, though. =D=

    Dare I hope that this post is actually a set-up for the ulimate triumph of the good guys? [face_praying]
  13. Ocelotl_Nesto Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2004
    star 4
    Looks like a doctored Holo vid. I wonder if another version is available?

    Hope the job market is better for you now. It took my Bro in law a year and a half to get a job.
  14. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4
    That rigged video is going to take some heavy duty writing to get out of and make the Senators believe.
    I hope you can whip it up soon.:D
  15. Healer_Leona Scattegories Host. Manager Emeritus

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    So happy to open this pm! :D :D

    Arrrgh. Can't believe they were so ready with that!

  16. Darth_Drachonus Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 4, 2005
    star 3
    Excellent! I had almost forgotten about this story! I'm glad it's back!
  17. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Val ? Thanks so much. I wanted to show that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's friendship never really faltered, even with time and distance. They just needed to be reminded of it. As for Qui's wife, she might have other issues. Thanks so much for reading.

    Musing ? I need that lightsaber for the next part. Hee! Ultimate triumph, well maybe and then again maybe not. I'm not telling at this point. Thanks for reading.

    Ocelotl_Nesto ? Yes, a doctored holovid. Hopefully another version is available. :D As for job market, I'm still looking. Not holding much hope at this point. I'm really too old for what they want but I'm not as unhappy about it as some. My husband is still working so we are doing well enough. But thanks for asking.

    Gkilkenny ? Rigged videos are always suspicious. I would imagine that Padme would get right on it. :D Thanks for reading.

    Leona ? Thanks. I do have more written and will post next week. I can't believe it's almost done after all these years. :D

    Darth_Drachonus ? It has been a while. I do have a bit more written and hope to keep it up until it's done. Thanks for reading.
  18. obimom Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2010
    star 4
    This story is just as awesome here as "over there" but here we get so much more in depth reaction and analysis from the readers...which is great..

    Glad you are back (even though I'm still new here, but I read the story on here a few months ago when it was already so many years posted.

  19. Valiowk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 23, 2000
    star 6
    Oh gosh, what a twist just as things were getting better! Much as it would be wonderful to have the original version of the holovid still be around to be found, I get the feeling that that would be too easy a solution. Padmé would believe the Jedi, but who else would? Looking forward to seeing the conclusion you've set up! =D=
  20. littleobiwankenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 5, 2009
    star 1
    thanks for the PM.

    I think, I have to read from the start again. Still missing some chapter. But still a wonderful story.

    Hopping for the next update.!
  21. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Obimom ? You are so sweet to comment here and 'there'. I am back for a little while but then I haven't started Chapter 42 yet. It's still open but blinking forlornly at me. I'm still working on Merlin advent prompts so hope to get to Betrayal when those are done.

    Valiowk ? Well, there are a few more twists yet. Padme believes the Jedi but still it's a pretty damning piece of evidence. We'll see! Thanks so much for reading.

    littleobiwankenobi ? That's okay. You might want to wait until it's fully done and then start. It will still be a while before it's complete. Thanks for reading.
  22. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Next part. It may come a little faster for the next couple of posts.

    For a moment, there was stunned silence. Then a waterfall of sound roared through the Interrogation Hall, crashing over them all, drowning the Jedi in hatred.

    Qui-Gon couldn't help but flinch back. The pain meds had long since faded and he was ill-prepared for such a reaction or the depth to which Amedda would lie for power. Apparently, the Vice Chairman would do just about anything to gain control of the Republic.

    There were fists raised high and appendages of all kinds, suckers and tentacles and paws, all out for blood. So, too, were mouths and the high pitched whine of translator devices shouting destruction.

    It was chaos.

    Beginning to worry that the Republic guards would forget their duty in the heat of the moment, Qui-Gon shifted closer to Obi-Wan. "Be prepared. This may turn dangerous."

    For a moment, Obi-Wan sent him a look that spoke of the past, of desperate situations, of circumstances impossible to escape but somehow they always had. "Nothing new then."

    Any other time and Qui-Gon would have smiled. It was so typically Obi-Wan, his irreverent sense of the absurd peering through. It was the first sign that his old apprentice was fighting the despair that had followed him like a black cloud. But things were growing worse and he didn't have time to do more than nod.

    Sle'fey was the calm in the midst of the storm. White fur unruffled, his dark eyes following the rising hatred with cool focus, he said, "Vice Chairman, I applaud your slicer's talent. A rare gift indeed to turn innocence into guilt so easily."

    Qui-Gon could barely hear him above the cacophony but Amedda must have. His smile was triumphant, satisfied, as if he'd gotten everything he could ever desire, all in a single moment.

    As the blue-skinned Chagrian nodded his victory, the rest of the crowd was growing more agitated. Even Padmé looked worried, almost uncertain about what she had seen. Qui-Gon couldn't blame her for believing the worst; the holovid had been damning.

    Divinian shouted out, "We've seen enough. These Jedi murdered the Supreme Chancellor. Used their powers to try and take over the Republic." Noise rising in the Interrogation Hall spread like a black storm as the howls of hatred grew louder. "Death to the Jedi. Death to them all!"

    In the distance, Qui-Gon could see Padmé gesturing helplessly toward them, her face white with disbelief. Organa was arguing with her and a little beyond Zar and Mothma were also deep in conversation. Around the edges of the chamber, the guards were already fingering their weapons, clearly waiting for the signal to arrest or perhaps kill them. It would take only a single spark to turn this into a mob bent on destruction.

    As he drew in a breath, trying to center himself for whatever might come, he could hear Sle'fey whispering to Leabe, telling him to signal the Order for lock-down. It was something they'd not done in a thousand years. An action sure to incite further calls for the destruction of the Jedi and yet what choice did they have? Even now, the Republic forces could be scurrying to storm the Temple.

    Amedda roared above the cacophony, "Justice must be served. You have seen the evidence. What is your verdict?"

    As the howls for guilty swelled into the chamber, Padmé rose, squared her shoulders and walked toward the middle of the room. The brilliance of the light shining down on her, a woman alone in the center of a firestorm. She stood there, patiently waiting for the rest of the Senators to shout out their madness. In the midst of it all, he could see that she was talking to Amedda, only a whisper, not enough for Qui-Gon to hear.

    The Vice Chairman kept looking at her and then toward the Jedi. His eyes narrowed in suspicion but there was also avarice there as if what she was saying was bringing out a kind of blood-lust, a hunger for political gain at her expense.

    Or was it something else?

    Qui-Gon's concern began to rise. If Padmé had believed the holovid even after a their close friendship of ten years, if she/>
  23. Musing Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2003
    star 2
    Ah ha! Score for the good guys! [face_dancing]

    You go, girls! =D=

    That means you, too, dianethx. ;)
  24. Ocelotl_Nesto Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 2004
    star 4
    That is the kind of strength you would hope to see from a Senator. Well written. I liked the irreverant dialogue by Obiwan... Dry, humor, impecable timing.

  25. Paige Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 4, 2010
    Oh wow, what a wonderful story. What are they really doing there? Training force sensitives?
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