Before - Legends Biggles Gets a New Hat: (Comedy/OC Biggles!) Part 3 of 3 is up 10/22! Finished!

Title: Biggles Gets a New Hat
Characters: BIGGLES!
Era: 19,259 before ANH
Genre: Drama, mush. What!? Maybe a little comedy too
Disclaimer: I do not own SW, it's true. I do not own the Jedi too. I do not own the Sith it seems... I do not own them in my dreams.
Notes: Some people are under the impression I stole the name Biggles, if not the character from Monty Python. Not so. Do we have any people from England here? I am under the impression Biggles had his roots as a children story hero from the 1920's. He was a WWI flying Ace. Anyway, my Biggles isn't even close to this in character, so I only borrowed the name. A big thank you to Stormqueen874 for her most excellent beta skills.




~*~*~*~

It was the day of Biggles' coronation ceremony. He was finally being made a Jedi Knight after a few rough starts. He accidentally killed his first Master when he mistook her passioned cries of "Oh, by Force, you're killing me!"

He thought she was in dire danger, so with all good intentions, he charged into her quarters, lightsaber drawn. He cut down a servant to the visiting Sith Master in the room, tripped over the body as he continued on toward the Master himself, and shoved both lovers out the window, seven hundred floors straight down. What a mess that was.

His second Master was a crusty old veteran who promised to; "Whip this young scallywag into shape." A year later, he volunteered for a dangerous mission exploring new hyperspace routes, after Biggles dropped a frag grenade down the man's pants during training. The grenade was a dud, but the final shock was too great for the old Master. He disappeared into hyperspace, never to be seen again.

Master Slik Kildark, presenting Biggles with his pin and membership card at the coronation was often heard to remark during Biggles' training, "That boy has done more damage than the Sith and Hutts combined." He stayed far away during those early years, but began taking more interest in Biggles' career as he neared Knighthood.

A sizable crowd of well-wishers gathered in front of the small Jedi chapel, seperated by a force shield for protection. "I wish I had one of those around me," Slik commented as the band struck up a tune.

The song was supposed to bring Biggles out, but he was inside the chapel, still trying to get into his ceremonial garb. His long tails were getting very troublesome, especially since he was wearing the garment backwards.

When he finally noticed this discrepancy, he tried to take his pants off to turn them the right way around. The button was stuck however, and since it was behind him, he couldn't even see it. He started turning around and around, trying to catch up with the pesky button, like a kath hound chasing it's tail.

At the same time, some Padawans were bringing a life-sized ice sculpture of Biggles to the door, trying not to be seen by him. It was already supposed to be outside as well, for all to see, but was delayed by the carver.

A youngling came running up to help Biggles put on his shoes and get him outside. She unfortunately never listened to the jokes made about him behind his back. While he pawed at the button on his pants, he noticed the girl at his feet. He reluctantly picked up one foot to allow her to help him with the shoes.

Please, Force, he thought as he tried to balance himself and get the button undone at the same time. Please help me keep my balance and don't let her- oh, no!

The small girl had no idea how ticklish he was. When she lightly touched his foot, a tremor of laughter consumed his whole body. He leaned forward, tripped over the kneeling girl and stumbled quickly toward the door.

The ice sculpture was just outside the door now, and the door was slowly swinging shut on it's rusty hinges. Biggles slammed the door open, with his head. The door knocked the sculpture on it's side and Biggles fell onto it. His momentum sent the sculpture sliding across the ground, with him on top, righ

 

First post? Maybe... *crosses fingers*

Good start, Brentus! I would wonder what's going to happen next, but seeing as how I'm your beta, I kind of sort of know...

Hope you update soon!

Stormqueen

 

***

Biggles trudged into his small room at the basement of the Jedi building, his head hung low. He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands. Why does everyone laugh at me? I try and try. Can't they see I'm doing my best? I guess maybe my best isn't good enough. Why did the Force choose me? All I do is screw up.

Sparks flew and the lights in his room went out. What now? He stood and walked over toward the circuit breaker, cracking his leg on the table, knocking a large glass of water on the floor. He hopped around, holding his knee on his bare foot, until he heard the crunching of glass under him. He jumped into the air, landing on his bed, causing the legs of the bed to crack and the whole mess fell to the floor.

Biggles painfully pulled a few pieces of glass from his foot and wrapped it in a cloth he tore from his bed in the darkness. He stood and walked carefully over to the circuit breaker again. This ought to shed some light on my situation, he thought as he touched the breaker.

The room lit up, but so did Biggles. Standing in water, touching live wires is not a good idea, even for a Jedi. The lights stayed on, even as Biggles flew across the room, back to his destroyed bed.

Smoke rose from him, but a beep from his console woke him up. He sat up quickly, hitting his head on one of the posters of the bed. A second beep from the console woke him up again. This time however, he sat up slowly. He got up from the bed and rubbed his head.

The young Knight walked toward the console, still rubbing his head. He heard the crunching of glass again and soon he was hopping toward the console, holding his other foot.

Slik and Antrif appeared on his console screen. They observed Biggles hopping around, holding his foot. "Glad to see everything is normal there Biggles," Slik said. "I have your first mission here, if you're ready to hear it?"

Biggles fell to a chair, his right hand got stuck in a pitcher sitting on the floor under the table. He kept his arm at his side, so the masters didn't see what happened. "Of course Slik," he answered. "I'm so glad you're not angry about that cake thing, so I can finally make a difference."

"How could I be upset about that?" Slik asked through gritted teeth and a forced smile. "After all, I'm still alive.

"We need you to go to Yavin IV." Slik grinned widely. "We want you to try to make peace with the Rakata and convince them we're no longer a threat."

"Sure thing!" Biggles replied happily.

Slik and Antrif looked at each other, unbelieving. "You realize what we're asking you to do?" Antrif asked.

"I'll do my best to secure a peace treaty," Biggles chirped in delight.

"I know you will," Slik answered with an evil laugh. He saluted Biggles.

Biggles returned the salute, smacking himself in the head with the ceramic pitcher stuck to his hand. He fell backwards out of the chair. Slik and Antrif looked at each other and smirked. The screen went blank with Biggles laid out on the floor.

A beep soon aroused consciousness in the young Knight. An exotic, multi-colored being stood in his doorway, only a few pieces of cloth protecting her modesty. She looks familiar, thought the impressionable youth. I think she's a Master. What's she doing here?

"May I come in?" Her voice was seductive and deadly all at the same time. "It's ungallant for a Knight to allow a lady to stand on his doorstep indefinitely."

He was lost for a moment in the deepest blue eyes in the galaxy. "Oh," he sputtered, "please come in."

She sauntered in, hips lithely swaying back and forth like a pendulum. That reminds me, came Biggles' inner voice, I must remember to get my watch fixed.

"I guess you've never seen me around much," she said as she parked herself on Biggles' chair. "I am Master Yxes-naillig. I've been watching your career with interest."

Biggles turned away from her quickly, remembering the ceramic pitcher was still stuck to his hand. He began tugging at it ineffectually. "I am glad you're interested in my

 

I've only read the first post, but I like it!

I'll be looking forward to the last part, and I'll catch up on the second post in the meantime!

 

Stormie! I didn't notice you there, hiding in the bushes posting! You are my beta, but I could have changed the story so you don't know what is coming next.

*Tries to laugh menacingly... coughs up phlegm*

VaderLVR64 I'm glad you like it! I'll have you in stitches momentarily with the third part.

 

Sadly, as they say, all good things must come to an end; but all bad things must come to an end too, so don't feel bad. This Biggles story is now finished, but there will be others in the future. Enjoy!




***

During the journey, Biggles took the time to meditate on the situation he found himself in. The more I think about this, the more I am convinced there was some nefarious reasoning in Master Kildark's mind in assigning me this mission. I think he's had enough of me, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But I'm going to prove him wrong by succeeding this time. Then hopefully I will be strong enough in the Force so I can finally stop accidentally killing people.

The young Knight thought it best to land a kilometer away from the capital of Yavin IV, inside a large stone temple. He put his ship on auto-pilot, rather than risk burning down the immense forest he chose as his landing site. He grabbed the canister and leapt from the ship. "Let's go, droid," he commanded the little astromech accompanying him.

"Oh kriff," thought the droid. "I'm as good as scrap now."

The sun was just setting in the distance, but Biggles decided to try his luck anyway. After several hours of walking, and returning each time to his ship after completing a circle, he finally decided to wait until morning before trying again.

Several yellow Rakata skulked around in the darkness. They spotted the glow from a nearby campfire and silently approached, weapons at the ready. In an instant they were upon the sleeping Knight. They disarmed him even before he awoke.

Biggles finally woke up to find his arms and legs strapped to a pole. The Rakata scouts were taking him back to their camp like a trophy kill in a hunt. "I mean you no harm," Biggles told them.

"Just because you speak our language doesn't mean you are nice," the lead scout answered. "I know you are here to destroy us. Why else did you bring that canister of poison with you?"

"I didn't know it was poison."

"Bah! Our leader will cook you for a feast!" The scout refused to speak anymore during the rest of the journey.

Well, Biggles thought as he was carried to his doom. At least they haven't recognized me as the one who destroyed their Empire. Things might be worse if they did.

***

"You!" the leader of the yellow Rakata bellowed as the procession came to rest before him. "I know you. You are responsible for destroying the Infinite Empire!" Groans and angry words came flying at Biggles from every corner of the village.

Now I'm for it. The young Knight sighed inwardly.

"We will prepare a celebration feast in your honor, wretch!" The leader hissed in his ear. "Only you will not be around to celebrate!"

The leader took Biggles' lightsaber from him and looked curiously at it. "What is this?"

"It's nothing," Biggles replied, "don't pay any attention to it." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his trusty astromech droid in the bushes nearby. Soon everyone was gathered around the leader, trying to figure out what the lightsaber was.

The little droid scurried over to his master and began working the knots, just as the leader put the business end of the saber up to his face. "I wouldn't touch that button if I were you," Biggles warned.

"What do you know?!" Out of spite, the leader touched the button just as Biggles was freed from his restraints. The saber flashed out from behind the leader's head and the Rakata fell limply to the ground. The others turned away in horror, only now noticing the coughing going around, starting with the scouts.

"What have you done to us?" one of the ministers shouted as the scouts fell to the ground, wheezing.

"I thought that stuff from the canister smelled good, so I put some on me to be more presentable," Biggles returned. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was poison to your people." He and the droid took off into the forest as the remaining Rakata dropped to the ground, choking their last curses at him.

I will have to wait until this stuff wears off befor

 

Biggles! I like Biggles!

All I can do is mess up, and innocent people keep dying.

Aww... [Ducky voice]Poor Biggles. Poor, Poor Biggles.[/Ducky voice]

But really... good story.

 

DaenaBenjen42 posted: Biggles! I like Biggles!

Glad to have you laughing, sis!

 

Biggles took one step forward, stepped on his tails, ripped his pants off, and pushed Slik onto the piece of ice. Slik slid across the ground, wailing something derogatory about Biggles' lineage. He hit the steps leading to the chapel and disappeared through the door. A huge cake intended for Biggles' guests provided him with a head first, soft landing.

Poor, poor Biggles! He just can't help himself! I know how he feels, I can be a bit clumsy myself Great story!

 

Lost_jedii posted: Poor, poor Biggles! He just can't help himself! I know how he feels, I can be a bit clumsy myself

I know how that is: they tell you write what you know. I may not be quite as disastrous as Biggles, but I am very clumsy! Thanks for reading!

 

Healer_Leona posted: I remember reading the first post and thought I had replie... bad reader am I. Yes, no cookie for you

I thoroughly enjoyed this... very nice start to my morning in fact. Always good to start off with a smile. Thanks! You are definitely welcome!

 

Oh, I loved it! I loved every line! It was soooo funny! It was just a scream!! Biggles is the most hilarious OC I have ever read about! Sorry it took me so long to get here, but I LOVED it!! It was wonderful!!

PLEASE PM me with any more Biggles fics!!


Jasmine

 

lol, the Rebel Aliance should hire Biggles to stand in the center of the Death star and do his thing. They'd win the war for sure!

 

HanSoloIsSoCute posted: Oh, I loved it! I loved every line! It was soooo funny! It was just a scream!!

Are you sure you liked it? You don't sound too enthusiastic about it. And of course I'll PM you when I post more. Thanks for reading!

MoeTharen posted: hire Biggles to stand in the center of the Death star and do his thing.

You know... I think that just might work. Thank you for reading!

 

Yes, yes, I used to read the Biggles books.

I nearly died laughing at that story, Brentus - which is kind of appropriate I guess. Biggles strikes again. The whole sequence of mishaps was just brilliant. Wonderful work.

 

This is so absolutely hilarious Master!

"Oh kriff," thought the droid. "I'm as good as scrap now."

Poor droid!

Poor Biggles, he didn't mean to do all that stuff. An accident prone Jedi, that almost sounds like a oxymoron. Great story, I really enjoyed it.

 

The weapon the Force intrusted to all females. Humm! Which weapon is that we have so many?

Good work.

 

You had to go and use broken glass. I hate broken glass!!!

I have a feeling the spray will not bode well for his peace mission.

I discovered Biggle makes me nervous, I think I met him once at a family reunion.

Good work!

 

Wow! I need a nap after reading that.

So at age nine he destroyed and empire and as a Knight he is destroying the Jedi Order.

Good Work! You not him.

 

Thanks for recommending this, it was hilarious!

 

"How could I be upset about that?" Slik asked through gritted teeth and a forced smile. "After all, I'm still alive.



Biggles returned the salute, smacking himself in the head with the ceramic pitcher stuck to his hand. He fell backwards out of the chair. Slik and Antrif looked at each other and smirked. The screen went blank with Biggles laid out on the floor.



She sauntered in, hips lithely swaying back and forth like a pendulum. That reminds me, came Biggles' inner voice, I must remember to get my watch fixed.



The young Knight grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the dispenser. He knelt down again and threw the water in the face of the startled master. "I meant to drink, idiot!"

Biggles dropped to his bed. "I'm sorry, I do everything wrong."

That you do. Biggles. And I love you for it!

I must redouble my efforts to do things right. I will succeed in my mission and make the others proud!

Why do I get the feeling it won't happen that way? Oh yeah. Because this is Biggles we're talking about!

"Oh kriff," thought the droid. "I'm as good as scrap now."

Droids aren't like they used to be.

I was a boy of nine years when I visited the Rakata's giant factory and spacestation, the Star Forge, and accidentally flipped the switch from 'Light Side' to 'Dark Side'.


Why do machines always have switches or buttons that can do things like that? It's just asking for trouble.

"Harry! Where are you going!?" Biggles called. He followed the bounty hunter down the side of the hill into the market.



Giggling? He's giggling!? Harry thought quickly. This guy is a psychopath!



Biggles, I love you!

 

I didn't get to read until the end of the day, and so I couldn't comment until I got home.

Biggles is too frighteningly priceless. The scene at the beginning when he kills his first master.... too funny. Then killing the woman that wouldn't listen to the warnings? Oh my goodness.
So funny!


Have they thought of making Biggles their next secret weapon?