Saga Blood stained hands, An OC story

Okay this is a work in progress but I wanted to get your opinions on it. Oh yeh and I am planning on taking a darker tone on it later with only a few moments like in the last section/half.

Title:Blood Stained Hands
Author(s): MasterTiin
Timeframe: Sometime during the PT, haven't decided on exact place yet.
Characters: Magan, Krentas, King Hasand the 3rd (only so far but more will be added later)
Genre: Romance/Drama I think...
Keywords: Traditionalists, Freedomists, Magan, Krentas.
Summary: Faluga, a planet in the Outer Rim is having a Civil War and Commander Magan of the Traditionalist Army is on a top secret mission to either capture or destroy the Freedomist capital of Coroca.
Disclaimer: Okay not an official SW story but other then the Galactic Republic, blasters and Republic Cruisers all things in here are my creation.

The city was quiet. It was nightfall and all it?s inhabitants where fast asleep in their beds dreaming of the grander things in life. All eight million of them haven?t been in contact with anyone outside the city walls in months. Its name was removed from every new map, radar and scanner released since tensions escalated to record levels and its lights turned off exactly at sunset. Why had the inhabitants of Coroca, the city turned military fortress adopted this life? Because civil war had come to their once peaceful planet of Faluga and Coroca was the military and economic capital of the entire Freedomist occupied cities, so is key to their success. The ailing Galactic Republic tried to intervene but the ruling powers at the time let the requests for order fall on deaf ears. All inhabitants knew this and every day more and more news of death, destruction and defeat fell came to them in their supposed ?safe zone?, but safe for much longer it wouldn?t be. For on this night Commander Magan of the Traditionalist Army was on a mission. To have Coroca either captured or massacred. He had scouts set all around the city to intercept all who tried to enter or leave. He also had stealth bombers and fighters ready to swoop in on any craft stupid enough to try and take them on. Within his convoy alone there were hundreds of Falugian Deathbringer-class tanks, artillery units, anti-infantry vehicles and a million troopers ready to die for him and to give the Traditionalists victory.

?Sir all military units report ready? Magan?s second in command Krentas reported as their Charon-class Command Speeder pulled up only a kilometre away from the main city gate.
?Good, any activity in the city yet?? Magan asked her as dim searchlights prowled the skies and ground looking vainly for any sign of enemy units trying to attack the city.
?No sir, it is quieter then a mourning party at a funeral sir? Krentas said with her always grim, dark sense of humour. Magan rolled his eyes. He had always secretly enjoyed the company of Krentas, mainly when he was down or disappointed. He also has confused feeling for her which sometimes turn out to be romantic but other times turn to be hateful. Magan then remembered that the aircraft would need to move in to be any help if they were attacked by a larger force, but Krentas, knowing that he was thinking this said,
?I already gave them the order a few moments ago, do not worry?. Magan smiled. Krentas always had an unusual way of telling what he was thinking. It was almost?Jedi like. Then Magan scoffed. No Jedi would turn into a military guerrilla even for the Republic. Then just as he finished that line of thought their go-ahead signal, which was an artillery shell going off in the distance, went off.
?All units advance, spare no one who stands in your way but head directly to the fortress in the middle of town? Magan ordered. Their speeder lurched forward and took off towards the gate with the rest of the convoy close behind.
?How can you be sure that was our shell though sir?? Krentas questioned. Montoa gave a small scowl. That was the one flaw Krentas had, she questioned higher authority. Only a week ago Magan had just stopped her being executed for treason after she

 

Well that was very well written. It was a very good OC story, and it upsets me that no one has noticed it aside from myself. Piff! Fooglepoo on those ignorant fools! They are missing out on something very interesting. I hope Magan and Krentas get together, will there be a sequel?

Only thing I would suggest is that you put in a few more spaces between paragraphs, I kept losing my place.

Anyway, keep up the good work!

Jasmine