Before - Legends Body, Heart and Mind - Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, OC - weird atmoshpere - One-Post

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by ardavenport, Dec 9, 2008.

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  1. ardavenport Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Title: Body, Heart and Mind
    Author: ardavenport
    Timeframe: Before the Saga
    Genre: drama, mush
    Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, OC
    Keywords Jedi, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, lightsaber
    Summary: A strange planet of light and dark seasons celebrates its mid-summer's dark, but the Jedi at the festivities have other motives.
    And: typo is my middle name, with missing words and errors that spell checkers don?t catch being my speciality ? if you see any, just post a reply or send a PM with the what and where and I will kill them with no mercy.
    Disclaimer: All characters belong to George and Lucasfilm; I?m just playing in their sandbox


    Obi-Wan Kenobi stepped onto the ramp and walked up to the platform, the cheers and shouts of the crowd all around him. Wearing only his pale pants, tied securely around his skinny eighteen-year-old waist with an extra rope of fabric, he kept his arms at his sides, his eyes forward. His Padawan's lock lay combed flat on the back of his head. His braid tightly coiled, concealed by a large fragrant red flower clipped behind his right ear.

    Jagged lines of lava flows glowed red in the blackness of the far distance. Starless clouds glowered low overhead in the night sky above, trapping the warm moist air in the valley. Smoldering shades of red and orange lights dotted the enormous plane of the festival below the Joining Arena.

    Reaching the height of the platform, Obi-Wan held up his two tokens, swinging from their cords, one with the spiral of Mind, one with the square of Body. The token with the eight-pointed star of Heart hung down over his bare almost-hairless chest. The crowd cheered, joyful, expectant, hands held high around him. In their midst, Obi-Wan saw the hands he sought.

    The Force surrounded him thickly like the humidity and the sheen of sweat that would not evaporate from his skin, and he gave himself to it. The token of Mind flew high in the air, the trajectory subtly altered in mid-air until it plunged straight down into the hands he chose.

    The crowd roared loudly again for the chosen and the chooser. A tall slender woman with pale skin and short, thick dark hair, fluttering layers of long sleeves and skirts spreading out, emerged. Her body glided over the others around her, supported by the hands and good will of the crowd.

    Obi-Wan held up the second token. The crowd responded again. It flew high and nearly dove downward, snatched out of the air by the hand of Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan's Master. The taller man, a rough gray concealing poncho concealing all but his head and legs, nearly erupted up out of people around him as they lifted him and passed him hand to hand toward a second platform.

    Descending the steps before him, Obi-Wan stretched himself out onto the welcoming hands and appendages waiting to carry him to the Joining platform as well. Hands, paws, hardened claws, fleshy digits, hair, feathery down and scales touched him everywhere as if his slight body weighted nothing at all, new ones taking his shoulders and arms, passing ones leaving his legs and sandaled feet.

    He gripped the worn stone of the Joining platform as he arrived, sliding upward as the crowd pushed him forward. Standing, Obi-Wan faced Qui-Gon and the woman.

    Arm extended, Qui-Gon held out the Body token, gleaming in the reddened light. Obi-Wan took the cord and when his Master bowed to him, he placed it over his head.

    "I am our Body. You are my Heart. Lead and I will follow," Qui-Gon said, loud enough for crowd around them to hear. He touched his lips to Obi-Wan's forehead.

    Turning to the woman, Obi-Wan took the token of Mind and placed its cord over her bowed head.

    "I am our Mind. You are my Heart. Lead and I will follow," she said in a loud strong voice with a pleasant tone and a mid-Core Republic accent. They all joined hands.

    "We are Trine, joined by the mid-summer night!" Qui-Gon and the woman called out. The crowd happily shouted and squealed with happiness. Obi-Wan said nothing, arms raised as high as he could w
  2. Valairy Scot Backpacking One Pack a Day Mod of New Films

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 6

    "Friends!" The painted man who had given them their paints called. They turned back to him. "You've lost your Mind."

    Hand going to the Heart token around his neck, Obi-Wan looked up at Qui-Gon who shrugged and smiled back.

    "We have," he acknowledged, his arm still hugging Obi-Wan's shoulders. "But I do not think we will miss her."


    WHAT a setup! Did you write the story around the ending?

    Lots of atmosphere, indeed. Entrancing, just like Qui's mind trick.
  3. earlybird-obi-wan Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    Great story and another one of your amazing set ups.

    loved it=D==D=
  4. p_stotts Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 21, 2001
    star 4
    "Friends!" The painted man who had given them their paints called. They turned back to him. "You've lost your Mind."

    Hand going to the Heart token around his neck, Obi-Wan looked up at Qui-Gon who shrugged and smiled back.

    "We have," he acknowledged, his arm still hugging Obi-Wan's shoulders. "But I do not think we will miss her."


    What a closing line! Brilliant and unexpected. I loved how you so skillfully wove the culture into the story while making it all flow seamlessly. Good job!
  5. dianethx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    All that buildup for a pun. :p Oh, dear. [face_laugh] Very funny.

    I liked the atmosphere and how Qui was able to influence her and Obi.

    Great job.
  6. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    "Friends!" The painted man who had given them their paints called. They turned back to him. "You've lost your Mind."

    Hand going to the Heart token around his neck, Obi-Wan looked up at Qui-Gon who shrugged and smiled back.

    "We have," he acknowledged, his arm still hugging Obi-Wan's shoulders. "But I do not think we will miss her."


    Excellent! [face_laugh] =D=
  7. Seremela Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2008
    star 3
    Once again you have me completely floored with a wonderful, insightful and very original story, Anne. I loved reading it, from the mysterious beginning to those great end lines. Obi-Wan not allowed to speak, Qui-Gon so 'there' and fast in his reactions, and that Emrie, she's one piece of work [face_hypnotized]

    And again you made me part of a completely different culture by simply leading me through it with your story, no other explanations necessary. Which isn't simple at all!

    I can only say 'wow'! =D= =D= =D=



  8. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    Loved the half-dreamy atmosphere and the entire Body, Heart and Mind ritual. And of course, Qui-Gon is totally in control. His comment about preferring to die before Obi-Wan was piercingly bittersweet. The ending---[face_laugh] How utterly perfect. You are such a talented, creative writer. =D= Seeing a new story from you is a rarely equalled treat on the boards.
  9. ratna Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2007
    star 4
    incomparable. what else can i say.

    except that on first reading,

    "Friends!" (.... "You've lost your Mind.")

    registered as "Fiends!"

    my bad :p
  10. ardavenport Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Valairy_Scot: Actually, no, I didn't write it around the ending. I really didn't write that or come up with the last line until the very end. I wanted the scene with people painting on Obi-Wan's bare back and I wrote the story around that. So, it all turned out very moody and atmospheric. There was a back-painting scene in a Buffy dream-sequence once and I was thinking of that, especially the slow background music for that. Thanks for the reply!

    earlybird-obi-wan: Thank-you! :)

    p_stotts: Thank-you! I contemplated the background a bit while outlining and just put in the bits as I wrote the story. That always makes it go in better.

    dianethx: Really and truly, the last line came last. I was just fishing around for a way to end it and there it was. :oops: Thanks for reading.

    VaderLVR64: Thanks!

    Seremela: Thanks so much! I just work the culture details into the story as I go and keep people moving. The only time I put in a lot of detail in one place is when some character is stuck or falling asleep somewhere because it slows the story down.

    LuvEwan: Qui-Gon is all about control. In this story I meant him to be a bit scary, with Obi-Wan being the innocent. Thanks for reading!

    ratna: Thank-you!

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