Amph Book-A-Minute: The Sun Also Rises By Ernest Hemingway

A Tale of Two Cities
By Charles Dickens
Ultra-Condensed by Liz Coppla


Doctor released,
Marquis deceased,
Darnay acquitted,
Monarchy submitted,
Marriage announced,
Darnay denounced,
Places are switched,
Blades are twitched,
Seamstress cries,
Carton dies.



THE END

 

Crime and Punishment
By Fyodor Dostoevsky
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard


Raskolnikov

I'm so extraordinary, I can commit crimes. (kills some people)

Sonia

I'm the spiritual side of Raskolnikov.

Porfiry

I'm the intellectual side of Raskolnikov.

Raskolnikov

I have reconciled the two sides of my personality, represented so well by Sonia and Porfiry. (confesses)



THE END

 

As I Lay Dying
By William Faulkner
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Addie

I have a child. Yay. I have a second child. Boo. Just for that, I'll have another. I'm sorry; to make up for it, I'll have two more.

(Addie DIES, and her body ROTS. Her children have PROBLEMS.)



THE END

 

The Great Gatsby
By F. Scott Fitzgerald
Ultra-Condensed by Annie Berke


Gatsby

Daisy, I made all this money for you, because I love you.

Daisy

I cannot reciprocate, because I represent the American Dream.

Gatsby

Now I must die, because I also represent the American Dream.

(Gatsby DIES.)

Nick

I hate New Yorkers.



THE END


Jay Gatsby: My real name is James Gatz. I'll forget it, anglize my name, and pretend I went to Oxford. This is known as the American Dream. It guarantees that I will plugged in a swimming pool by a crazy nutbar. (see also: "Sunset Boulevard")

 

Faust
By Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Faust

I'm a symbol of humanity. (tries to kill himself)

Mephistopheles

I'm the devil. (does evil)

Faust

Devil, let's make a deal.

(They do, but it goes BAD.)

Faust

This sucks. Devil, fix things.

Mephistopheles

Uh, I can't. Uh. You have to go seek the mysterious underworld beings called the "Mothers" who have the power to help you. Yeah. That's it.

(Faust DIES and lives HAPPILY EVER AFTER, because Mephistopheles was too busy picking up CHICKS.)



THE END

 

Lord of the Flies
By William Golding
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard


(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)

Ralph

We need a fire.

(They make a fire. It goes out.)

Ralph

We need a fire.

(They make a fire. It goes out.)

Ralph

We need a fire.

Jack

Forget the fire. Let's kill each other.

Other Boys

Yeah!

(They do.)



THE END

 

Oh come on, that rotting pig head deserves a shout-out.

 

Far From the Madding Crowd
By Thomas Hardy
Ultra-Condensed by Margaret Hiley


Gabriel

Marry me.

Bathsheba

No. Marry me.

Boldwood

Ok.

Bathsheba

Just kidding.

Boldwood

Marry me.

Bathsheba

Perhaps.

Troy

Marry me.

Bathsheba

Yes.

Troy

Now that you've married me, it's time to find someone else. (leaves)

Boldwood

Marry me.

Bathsheba

I will marry you if my husband doesn't come back.

Troy

(comes back) (dies)

Gabriel

Marry me.

Bathsheba

Sure.



THE END

 

Jude the Obscure
By Thomas Hardy
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Jude

Sue, we love each other.

Sue

Yes, Jude, but we mustn't admit it until it's too late.

(Jude and Sue get married to the WRONG people. Then they FIND each other and have an AFFAIR.)

Society

Reprobates! Shoo! Shoo!

(Jude and Sue are TORN APART by the gruesome events and DEATH brought about by the PRESSURES of society's EVIL MORAL CONVENTIONS, because in a work of LITERATURE society is always BAD, and it is IMPOSSIBLE for all the characters to make it through ALIVE.)



THE END

 

Book-A-Second: Jude the Obscure

[Open Book] Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ......

Sorry, still traumatized from reading this in high school

 

Return of the Native
By Thomas Hardy
Ultra-Condensed by Paul S. Agutter


Rugged land;
Rustic folks.
Prodigal returns.
Everyone croaks.



THE END

 

The Scarlet Letter
By Nathaniel Hawthorne
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Evil Puritanical Society

Because you have committed adultery, you must wear an 'A'. Harlot! Harlot!

Hester Prynne

...

(The Evil Puritanical Society SNUBS Hester Prynne.)

Hester Prynne

...

(They call her NAMES.)

Hester Prynne

...

(They won't let her play any Evil Puritanical Society GAMES.)

Reverend Dimmesdale

I can't take it anymore. I did it.



THE END

 

Young Goodman Brown
By Nathaniel Hawthorne
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


The allegorically-named Goodman Brown is GOOD. But, at the protests of his allegorically-named wife Faith, he visits the devil and unwittingly becomes BAD. Then he dies.



THE END

You can't call it an allegory and then interpret it literally, dumbass.

 

This'd be the same Sam Stoddard who missed that the whole point of The Scarlet Letter was that she overcame the societal prejudice and became a valued member of the community.

So, y'know.

 

Catch-22
By Joseph Heller
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker


Colonel Cathcart

I want a promotion, so I screw over all my men.

Yossarian

I want to get out of here, so I walk around naked and pretend to be sick.

Colonel Cathcart

Fine. Praise us, and we'll let you go home.

Yossarian

No. I'll desert instead, because I've learned that war is crazy, and it's bad too, because it makes people do really weird things and die. Also, high ranking military officers are evil incarnate.

Easily Deluded Reader

Look at all the subtext. This must be one of the greatest anti-war pieces of our time.



THE END

 

DAVID J. PARKER: This book is anti-war! I HATE IT ON PRINCIPLE! NO I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY READ IT!

 

The only scene I remember is Yossarian howling at the WAC...

 

I remember reading these a loooooong time ago, and laughing only at the LOTR and Jane Austen summaries. IIRC, the Movie-a-Minute blurbs are funnier.

I still agree with the Pride and Prejudice book-a-minute, though, and especially agree with the LOTR:TTT (I read the trilogy in high school, and I pretty much went through the entire TTT book thinking, "What is this I don't even-")

 

The book (and war in general) can pretty much be summed up with the Duck Soup quote: "You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are. "

 

The thesis of Catch-22 is summed up by Yossarian after Aarfy kills a girl by throwing her out a window in Rome: "You can't take the life of another human being and get away with it, even if she is just a poor servant girl. Don't you see? Can't you understand?" Heller hopes the reader will.

 

And if the reader is David J. Parker, the answer is "No, I do not understand."

 

Gotta admit, I do love this book.

The description of Milo has to be just about the best description of any character I have ever read. Incredible.

 

A Farewell To Arms
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard


Frederic Henry

I'm separated from my true love in World War I Italy.

Catherine Barkley

Here I am. Let's hide in Switzerland, whoops, (dies).

Frederic Henry

War has made me cynical.



THE END

 

Henry isn't cynical.

I mean, just, damn, the book's point is in New York and Stoddard's head is in Honolulu.

 

"This book is lacking subordinate clauses and not lacking wooden dialogue" would do it for me.