Saga Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy! (Han on Trial, humor, complete 5/2)

Title: Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy!
Author: The_Face
Timeframe: ~3 months after ANH
Characters: Braken Starblaster, Jamie Calrissian, Han Solo, various canon cameos, and more OCs
Genre: Humor, AU
Keywords: Lawyers, court, trial, Empire, Greedo, insanity, bounty hunters, free iPod
Summary: An incompetent Imperial lawyer and his showboat nemesis must work together to defend the clearly guilty smuggler Han Solo in the Greedo murder trial.
Notes: This is strange, yes. Don't worry about it. Oh, it's also a sequel but you don't need to have read the first to get this one. If you'd like to read it, it's not long and it's found here. Thank you, readers; your wonderful reception to the first is what caused this one to happen. So if it sucks, you have yourselves to blame.



[image=http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w209/Trick_arrow/BSDTG-title.jpg]


Previously, in Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney: The Dark Darkness

THINGS happened. These things, as well as OTHER STUFF, insisted on happening throughout the story. They include:

BRAKEN STARBLASTER, incompetent Imperial lawyer, was dumped by his girlfriend TRIXIE McVZLSTE, competent Imperial lawyer. She left for THE REBELLION, and Braken decided to go after her, largely because he is hopelessly DAFT.

LUKE SKYWALKER was accused of genocide and a bunch of other crimes, for destroying the DEATH STAR and everyone on it. Braken successfully defended him by proving that he does not, in fact, exist.

The flamboyant prosecutor on the Skywalker case, JAMIE CALRISSIAN, lost THE ABILITY TO RHYME in a terrible FORCE LIGHTNING incident.

Certain WORDS were CAPITALIZED while others were not, leading to minor CONFUSION.

And now, the rest of the shocking story can be told... [Ed. Note: Actual shock value subject to Imperial censorship, no refunds.]


Chapter One


In the dark twisted pathways that are the neurons of Emperor Frank Palpatine?s brain, roam a great litany of horrific tragedies. Chaos, destruction, death, fire, flood, famine, reality holo-TV, massive outbreaks of gingivitis? Palpatine sees these things consume the entire galaxy in one terrifying slurp. And at the center of it all, he sees the cause ? one man. One name.

With a gasp, Palpatine shot like a wrinkly yellow-eyed bullet back into consciousness. He flung his Boba Fett comforter aside and glided down the hallway. He entered a room which held only a large white ball. He pounded on its durasteel shell, eliciting a shriek from within. The ball split in two, and Frank?s apprentice Darth Vader was revealed inside. ?Do you have any idea how loud that is in here?? he whined.

?Lord Vader,? Palpatine intoned gravely, ?I had a bad dream. Er, vision.?

The seriousness of Palpatine?s demeanor brought Vader into a respectful mood despite the hour. ?What did you see, my master??

?The galaxy utterly obliterated.?

?By this destructive conflict??

?No. By Braken Starblaster.?


* * * * * *

Meanwhile, in the Imperial law offices of


* * * * * *

?Whoa, wait a minute,? Vader interrupted the scene break. [Ed. Note: Show a little professionalism, Vader.] ?Who?s Braken Starblaster??

?I don?t know, but he must be found and stopped before he destroys the galaxy.?

?Umm, for the record, we are against that, right??

?Yes,? Palpatine answered with a sigh. ?If the galaxy is destroyed, not only do we die, but there?s nothing to rule and we end up looking like a bunch of idiots.?

Vader glanced at his master?s feet. ?Are those bunny slippers??

?I don?t see how that?s relevant.?

?It was just a question.?


* * * * * *

Ahem. Anyway, meanwhile in the Imperial law offices of Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine, the man apparently destined to destroy the galaxy was hard at work sweeping for any digital mines that might be lurking on his computer. He had to that point located eight tiles he strongly su

 

Okay, I ABSOLUTELY have to be on the PM list for this one.

Hilarious perfection, as always!

 

I wanna stay! Keep me! nice PM by the way. Love it!

 

IT'S UP!! It's up it's up it's up . . .

And it's great!! I love it Frank Palpatine and bunny slippers and Braken destroying the galaxy and playing Minesweeper and wanting to join the Rebels and Jamie's lack of rhyming ability and the ANH referece . . . brilliant I see awesome things in this story's future

Don't you dare take me off that PM list

 

Yes, keep sending PMs! This looks like it will be very funny indeed.

 

"Ahem. Anyway, meanwhile in the Imperial law offices of Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine, the man apparently destined to destroy the galaxy was hard at work sweeping for any digital mines that might be lurking on his computer. He had to that point located eight tiles he strongly suspected of hiding such mines, and marked them with tiny red flags. There remained only seven tiles that could be concealing the last two explosives. All in all, it had been a productive two hours and sixteen minutes."

As someone familiar with the game, nothing characterizes Brakken's stupidity better than taking 2 and a quarter hours to get through 'easy mode' in Minesweeper.



?Hello, Mr. Starblaster. My name is Tharm O?Coral.?

?Seriously??

Ha! Reminds me of a line Maxwell Smart would say.
Which, by the way, is sort of who Brakken reminds me of. A younger, more snazzily-dressed Don Adams.

 

?If the galaxy is destroyed, not only do we die, but there?s nothing to rule and we end up looking like a bunch of idiots.?

Vader glanced at his master?s feet. ?Are those bunny slippers??

?I don?t see how that?s relevant.?

?It was just a question.?

You had me at the bunny slippers. Yes. Really. ( )


PM's please, and wonderful (and also funny... pig latin!) start.

 

Still loving these.
I'd like to say that I liked the mood buliding, very - modern.

?I have a medical degree in twelve systems!?

This was hilarious.
Actually, all of it was.

 

I am going to love this!

Please keep me on the PM list

?I want to?? Braken paused again. He leaned forward, locked eyes with O?Coral, and whispered, ??efect-day.?



Poor Braken. You'd think efecting-day would be a little easier!

Looking forward to more

 

Too funny, please add me to your PM notification. I can't wait to see how Han fits in to this!

The bunny slippers got me!

 

Great start. I love anything Jamie Calrissian (especially in black and white!), and the rest was just as good. I'll look forward to more.

 

Vadey: Absolutely, certainly, resolutely!

Drachonus: Thank you! Consider yourself kept.

Nat: Yes ma?am! No ma?am! Whatever you say!

Laine: Thanks! Will do.

Yod: I try to tailor some jokes to pander to the Minesweeper-Player demographic. We are a discerning people, so authenticity is key.

Don Adams. Will Arnett is who I hear and see when I write Mr. Starblaster.* But Don-as-Braken conjures up some interesting/awesome images.

Daena: ?Bunny slippers? eh? I never would have thought that?d work. PMs forthcoming.

Lanna: I?m so modern. I?m so twentieth-century. I?m so 1970s.

KELIA: Ank-thay oo-yay!

dm1: Added you up. Han enters the picture in the very next post, as a matter of fact.

Forcefire: You are in luck, because this fic features an abundance of Jamie Calrissian. Not to mention Zokk, The Dark Lord of the Law, and Trixie all return to play considerable roles.


EVERYBODY: Thank you so much for reading and replying to the first post of the new Braken Starblaster! [Ed. Note: Is that what this is? Oh crap how did I get roped into editing this again...] I hope you'll all join me for the ride to follow.

''Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy!'' PM list
DaenaBenjen42
Darth_Drachonus
dm1
KELIA
Laine_Snowtrekker
NYCitygurl
VaderLVR64


*I should probably write stop writing from outside his window.

 

Heh, awesome, I'm really looking forward to reading this.

Free iPod, you say...? I'm going to have to keep my eyes open for it.


The doctor looked crestrisen. [Ed. Note: Not a word.]

Aww, it's not? But it totally should be!


?I?ll be dead.?
?You?ll be careful!?
??What??

Heh heh, I LOL'ed at this too.

Great start! Braken, Zokk and Jamie are just as quirky as I remember them, and I'm eagerly anticipating their various antics. The galaxy seems to be in for a bit of chaos.

(Though I think it would've been interesting to see Jamie with laser eyes. Hopefully they're not steam-powered as well.)

Please put me on the PM update list. Thank you kindly!

 

Thumper: I?ve added you to El Listo.

Free iPod, you say...? I'm going to have to keep my eyes open for it.

YOU ARE OUR 1,000TH VISITOR. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. CLICK THE BUTTON TO MAKE SANTA DO A PUSHUP FASTER THAN SARAH PALIN, WHOSE IQ IS 132, WHAT IS YOURS CLICK HERE THE RESULTS MAY MAKE YOU THINNER

The doctor looked crestrisen. [Ed. Note: Not a word.]

Aww, it's not? But it totally should be!

I know, right? I?m writing stern letters to both Merriam and Webster.

Thanks for reading!

And now, a slightly shorter chapter than usual.

---

[b]Chapter Two[/b]


And I did witness Gray come forth when wrote he the Sports Almanac. All sports statistics from Nineteen and Fifty to the year of our Lord Two-Thousand were revealed through his pen unto us. Now shall we not be blessed to have such knowledge? And the Doctor of Browns quoth ?Nay, he who readeth of the Almanac shall be inexorably cursed.?

And lo, it was heavy.

- excerpt from Uncle Nostradamus?s Big Book of Prophecy, Chapter 4


The Central Imperial Library was not an oft-frequented place. In fact, it was hardly frequented at all, much less frequented by a couch potato species like the Ofts. Most of them are illiterate anyway. The CIL?s impressive shelves were covered in dust drifts up to two feet high. It seemed impossible since the facility had only been brought into existence about twenty years earlier, after the unfortunate microwave fire at the Jedi Temple Archives. The project manager had arranged at great expense for extra barrels of dust to be shipped in and strewn about the place for atmosphere. He received a medal for Excellence in Bureaucracy in the Face of Reason, Logic, or Other Adversarial Force (As Applicable) ? or ?Tarky?.

Darth Vader gestured, and split the dust in two before him. His cape billowed impressively behind him. Vader stepped up to the Help Desk, where a twelve-foot cobweb hung from the ceiling to the counter surface. He reached through one of the holes and rang the little bell. No one answered. The floor creaked. Something shuffled in the distance. Vader kicked a weed at his feet. In the universal sign for impatience relating to poor service, he cleared his throat (which was not an easy task for someone of his condition).

A faux-rusty droid squeaked out of the darkness, eyes glowing a dim pink. ?Rrrrr?? it said.

?Are you trying to speak??

?Nnn-hnn.?

After Vader had fixed the droid?s aging voicebox, he asked, ?What do you know about the apocalypse??

?What [i]don?t[/i] I know about the apocalypse!? the repaired droid replied cheerily.

Vader tilted his head. ?Is this some manner of trick question??

?Ha ha no sir, but good one!? it chirped.

?I am beginning to regret restoring your voice.?

The droid pulled a decrepit volume from a nearby shelf. ?This is what you?re looking for, sir.? It set the hefty book down on the help desk, and blasted air over it from a jet in its hand. The dust blew away, revealing the title [i]Uncle Noftradamuf?f Big Book of Prophecy, Feventeenth Edition[/i].

Vader flipped through the professionally-yellowed pages. A few pages about himself caught his eye, but he kept going. Near the very back of the book, just before the ?gloffary? was a section entitled [i]The Armageddon for Dummief[/i]. The Sith lord started in with his best reading voice.

?Dear Repenthouse, I never thought this would happen to a guy like me. Last night, I had a prophetic dream about the end of the world. I saw fire, famine, plague, and all manner of catastrophe, ending in the obliteration of the galaxy. The man behind all the devastation was, as we have all suspected for many years, a lawyer. This lawyer was named Braken Starblaster. It was the most incredible night of my life, other than the one with the all-knowing supermodel triplets. Signed Clairvoyant and Loving It from Tulsa.?


* * * * * *

The door slid open, allowing Jamie Calrissian his stumbling entrance. The lawyer was covered in glistening sweat, an

 

And lo, it was heavy.

Great Scott!




?How did you get that??

(The Corellian approaches the warden. ?I really need a vest to communicate my casual devil-may-care attitude.?

The warden smiles. ?Inmate, I illustrate trashy romance novel covers, and my usual model is sick.?)

The man shuddered. ?I?d rather not say.?

And we'd rather not know!
It's a mutually beneficial relationship.


Listen, Face, you may as well put me on the PM list. I'm a dangerous person and I'm going to find out you updated somehow, be it through forcing some poor sap to push F5 constantly lest Donny go to work on him with a pair or pliers, or by sending my boys out to bust heads, I don't care. It's gonna happen either way. At least this way we can keep things on the up-and-up, all legal-like, and no one's family will have to be kidnapped.
Deal?

 

More Braken! Hooray!

 

Yet another amazing story!

 

Oh please, PLEASE, PM list!

 

This is full of awesomeness so far. I wish to remain on the PM list, please.

 

I love the tie-in of the moral to the epigraph. Also the vest flashback. And Braken's caf order. I should get to the nearest Starbucks and see if they'd let me have it.

Fake edit: also the "f"s and artificial aging of the library were nice touches for that insane Imperial bureaucracy touch.

 

Solo case - and poor Jamie, having to put up with Braken some more But at least he got his rhyming back!! And nice Vader insert with the changing the deal thing.

Absolutely hilarious

 

?Bunny slippers? eh? I never would have thought that?d work.

I based a story around potato chips once. Of course I'd go for bunny slippers.

And the Doctor of Browns quoth ?Nay, he who readeth of the Almanac shall be inexorably cursed.?

And lo, it was heavy.

It so was... *giggle* (Love the BTTF ref!)

?What do you know about the apocalypse??

[Xander] They happen more frequently than you'd think... [/Xander]



Well done and good post! Liked it!

 

Jamie fought back the tears.



Now, now it can't be that bad...can it?

I can't wait for the trial to start!

Loved Vader's excursion to the library

Great update

 

Yod: I will do this thing. For the families.

furrylittlebantha: Hooray!

Vadey: Thank you!

frodogenic1: Added!

amidalachick: Your wish is my command. In this case. Not all cases. I am not a genie. To my knowledge.

Forcefire: They would probably ?let you have it? but probably not in a good way. I was inordinately pleased with the ?f? and BTTF jokes this chapter.

Nat: It?s just not Jamie without the rhyming.

Daena: Potato chips and bunny slippers are the meat and, well, potatoes of life.

KELIA: Most of these characters are a small step away from a nervous breakdown anyway, so it doesn?t take much.

Everybody: Thank you so much, everybody, for reading and providing the wonderful replies!

 

Ha ha ha ha!

This is funny.

You are a genius. You know that, right?