Saga Braken Starblaster Destroys The Galaxy! (Han on Trial, humor, complete 5/2)

?I feel so justified for keeping this thing in here!? CL declared.

It's good to be prepared!

?What happens to the originals?? Braken asked.

?Oh, we kill them and destroy the bodies.?

?I was afraid you were going to say that.?

That's a pretty evil plan right there, with the cloning and killing and all.

Whoo, Vader appearance!

Vader raised his hand again. Braken was lifted off the ground. He clawed desperately at the invisible hand crushing his windpipe.

Uh-oh. Braken's situation just keeps going from bad to worse, eh?

Awesome update!

 

Nat: You can?t? Then perhaps you are in league with the galaxy-destroyers!

I?I?m sure you?re not though.



?Are you?

Laine: Internet connections can be like vagrant tortoises: slow, unreliable, and willing to sell you out for their next leaf of lettuce.

SithGirl: That?s not true! I have lots of good candy!

Er, umm.

Zenni: Glad I could be of service.

KELIA: Plus he would have a really good health plan, including dental!

padawan lunetta: Thanks for giving my story(ies) a shot! It?s shocking but fortunately we know that Luke isn?t really fictional.

?Right?

?chica: CL was a scout as a kid, you know! Of course, being a clone, he was like 20 when he was a kid. Also he was a military scout. He did however get merit badges.

EV-UH-REE-BODDY: Thank you very much for reading and replying!

---

[b]Chapter Twelve[/b]


Clones had existed for untold years before the Grand Army of the Republic was created by the mastermind Jar Jar Binks, but still people have difficulty separating them from military connotations. Dah-li the Rocket-Propelled Bantha Lamb did little to dispel that mentality. ? [u]On Society?s Views of Clones As Influenced In Particular By Modern Mass Media Journalism[/u], a thesis by Carida University senior Tharb Bliessen


Braken had met Darth Vader once before. He?d called the Dark Lord of the Sith forward to testify in the trial of his (Vader?s) son Luke Skywalker. Vader?s testimony had been vital in Braken?s argument that Luke did not exist. Braken hoped he wasn?t holding that against him. Of course, he also hoped that the Sith would spare his life, but that was looking less and less likely the longer Vader continued to strangle him to death.

?Your schemes are trivial compared to the power of the Force,? Vader intoned. He was a little sensitive about what was and was not more important than the Force.

A powerful Woodland Aura* scattergun blast rang out ? nearly deafening in the small windowless room. Vader fell forward, onto one knee. His cape burst into flames. The pressure on Braken?s neck disappeared, and he collapsed on the floor. He was still gasping for air as someone or something roughly dragged him out of the room. That someone pulled him back up to his feet in the hallway.

?Fett??

?Accept no substitutes!? Jebediah replied.

?You [i]are[/i] a substitute.?

?I dunno what that means but it doesn?t sound like a [i]nice[/i] thing so I?m gonna ignore it.?

He and Braken ran down the hallway somewhere in the back of the church.

?Last I saw you, you were in jail, refusing to answer my ? I mean, their ? questions. How did you escape??

[i]The trooper hands Jeb his personal items. ?Your bail has been posted. You?re free to go. You are not escaping right now. You did nothing to prompt this dumb luck.?[/i]

?I used my brain?s wits,? Jeb boasted.

?Hey, wait a minute!? Braken screeched to a halt. ?I?m not falling for this again.?

?What??

?You?re just like CL-113/9?s hideous doppelganger. You only saved me to collect the bounty on my head. Well it?s not gonna happen, helmethead!?

Braken dove into a room on the left, quickly locking the door behind him.

?Dang,? said Jeb. ?What he said woulda been a really good plan.?

Braken ran deeper into the building?s inner workings, in search of an escape from the Mandalorian (maybe) bounty hunter and Sith (definitely) Imperial who both seemed to have made his death a priority. He had no idea where he was going, or how many doors and corridors he burst through before he stopped. But finally there was nowhere left; he ran out onto a balcony. He slowed to a walk, and approached the railing.

He could now look down into an enormous chamber that resembled a droid-assembly factory, or that time Braken went to the cheese puff plant. But without the vat of orange stuff. This was where the First Skywalkerian Jedi Disciples were making the

 

Chapter 12?!?! I was just thinking: "doesn't Face have a fic that he hasn't updated in a whilq..." and "Aha!"

I thought I was on the PM list... or have I fallen from your good graces?!?!


No matter, I will play catch up this weekend. There will be no one to stop us, er, me this time!

 

Aha!!

I love this fic!

?Your schemes are trivial compared to the power of the Force,? Vader intoned. He was a little sensitive about what was and was not more important than the Force.

You would think if you possessed the ability to weild the ultimate power in the universe you wouldn't be so sensitive when someone doesn't think it's all that hot.

?Fett??

?Accept no substitutes!? Jebediah replied.

This has to be humiliating for Vader, almost defeated by the worst bounty hunter in the galaxy.

The door slid open behind him. Braken whirled around. Over him loomed Darth Vader, his cape still ablaze. He looked like a walking someone-being-burned-at-the-stake. ?Oh man you?re even scarier on fire,? Braken gasped.

?Imagine how I feel,? Vader replied.




?The Emperor has foreseen it,? Vader insisted.

?Yeah, well, the Emperor foresaw the ending of the Shockball Championship too, and I lost a lotta money on that thing!? a disgruntled stormtrooper said.

I wonder, is it beneath the dignity of the Sith order to use Force predictions for gambling purposes? Do the Sith order allow the Dark Side of the Force to be used for things other than killing innocents and taking over the galaxy? I would think anything else would be looked upon as bad taste.

This ironic semi-fulfillment of the Emperor?s prophecies was rather common among his predictions.

That was one of my favorite lines of this chapter.

Great work on this chapter, I can't wait until the next installment.

 

Despite it staring at me from the title every time I click on this thread, I had totally forgotten about the prophecy until the previous update. The payoff was well worth it. The Vader stuff in particular brought me great joy. Thank you for fitting that video into the story; I'll never get tired of it.

As for Braken, I can't wait to see what kind of scheme he's cooked up now. It is a scheme, isn't it? Plan doesn't seem to fit Braken.

 

This ironic semi-fulfillment of the Emperor?s prophecies was rather common among his predictions.

Absolutely priceless!

 

Great update! I love the "Repenthouse" magazine...lol!!! And poor Zokk, no one remembering it was his birthday. Tsk Tsk. And Braken's taking the case to the highest court in the galaxy? What is that...the Force itself or something? (He might lose, the Force is Darth Vader's Grandpa, after all. )

 

Ten laughed. ?And you?re a fly in the ointment, Braken! But not anymore. Soon you?ll?be?flowing with the?ointment?This metaphor is rapidly falling apart.?

?I am not a fly! I?m a loyal citizen!?

*giggle*

?For accuracy?s sake,? Ten confirmed. ?You clone an annoying man, you?re gonna end up with an annoying clone.?

?Aaaaamen!? Jaamie exclaimed.

Braken looked the Calrissian copy up and down. ?No kidding,? he murmured.

Liked that moment...

On Society?s Views of Clones As Influenced In Particular By Modern Mass Media Journalism

Huh... now THAT'S an integrated thesis, isn't it?

?I used my brain?s wits,? Jeb boasted.

?Hey, wait a minute!? Braken screeched to a halt. ?I?m not falling for this again.?

?What??

?You?re just like CL-113/9?s hideous doppelganger. You only saved me to collect the bounty on my head. Well it?s not gonna happen, helmethead!?

*dissolves into laughter...*

What no one realized until gameday was that Palpatine?s vision of the game-winning goal had not included the challenge and reversal of the point. The Skipray in question clearly stepped over the line, but the referee officiating the event was murdered in the parking lot just the same. This ironic semi-fulfillment of the Emperor?s prophecies was rather common among his predictions.

And that's why future visions should never be leaked to the public... to save the lives of poor referees.



Good updates, Face.

 

?Oh man you?re even scarier on fire,? Braken gasped.

?Imagine how I feel,? Vader replied.

Nice to see Vader's unique sense of humor is still intact.

?The Emperor has foreseen it,? Vader insisted.

?Yeah, well, the Emperor foresaw the ending of the Shockball Championship too, and I lost a lotta money on that thing!? a disgruntled stormtrooper said.



See what happens when you take the Emperor's visions literally? Hasn't anybody heard: "always in motion the future is?"

Great update

 

?Is a youngling an appetizer available in Mild, Hot, and Honey Barbecue?? Jeb asked.

?No.?

?It kind of sounds like it should be, you know??

?It isn?t.?

?Then no, I?ve never slain a youngling.?

So deliciously, warpedly funny!

And somehow, that was exactly what Braken needed to hear to snap out of it and form a plan. A ridiculous, insane, dishonest, illogical plan.

Oh sweet, those are the best kind!

The weapon names are awesome, as is this entire update!

 

Lmao, quite literally!
I love Jeb!
And Vader!
"What? Never killed a youngling?"
Yes, Vader would have much practice in that area.
I love how the Imperial squad was slowly slaughtered for speaking out of turn!
Brilliant stuff!
Zomg! Scienncey goo!
Great job!

 

Alright, I've caught up and fully expected to be returned to fully active PM status... sheesh, you'd think I'd forgotten to return a library book or something...

I had to catch up more than I thought, so I'll just post my drive-by laughter. You may consider it your mid-season hilight show.


?This is an outrage!? Braken exclaimed, outraged. He jumped up from the couch. ?I hate being anonymous! It deprives me of my need to be recognized, loved, and the center of attention!?


It had been a long time since Charal and Dark had had a Moment at Jorus C?Boath?s birthday party, but it wasn?t entirely ?no see? since the Dark Lord had been reading her Holonet blog posts with disturbing dedication, particularly entries with pictures of her.


It was also the happiest Zokk had seen him since three weeks prior.

Braken finishes a conversation on the commlink and turns to Zokk. ?He says it?s just a rash!?

?Does that mean you?ll put your pants back on?? Zokk asks.


?Excellent guess, but I was looking for finding loopholes. I would have also accepted grasping at straws or making stuff up.?


?And I have a sworn statement here from you to the Mos Eisley security force that it was Ponda Baba who lost his arm, when in fact it was a completely unrelated limb on your cantina floor. So how good are you at seeing violent attacks in your cantina??


I hate Mother so much. She doesn?t respect my privacy at all. ? Greg Greedo?s diary entry, 2-4-56
Greg, I?ve found the lies you?ve been putting in this diary and I want them to stop. ? Greg Greedo?s diary entry, 2-5-56 (handwriting a match for Eleanor Greedo)


?I do.?

?Yeah you do.?


?You?re proving my point!?

?I?m proving your mom!?


Everyone in the courtroom spent their ninety-minute recess differently... Han sat in his holding cell, having his life ruined by characters he didn?t recognize from any of the movies.


Skitzy smiled darkly. ?He?s your attorney.?

CHUNG CHUNG went Skitzy?s imaginary soundtrack.

*This is not an Earthism. ?Law and Order? has just spread that far. Skitzy was a fan of it, as well as CSI: Otoh Gunga.


?Now cough again for me please. And smile! This is a doctor?s office, not a morgue."


?When was the last time someone told you they care about you, Zokk??

?Besides my mom?s boyfriend??
(funny, yet still wrong)



?What do you recommend, doctah??

Icculus leaned in, and said very seriously, ?The gundark pasta at this lovely restaurant on 5th. I know what you?re thinking ? gundark? But it is superb!?

Jamie stared.

?Oh, you mean what do I recommend medically. I thought you were asking me as a waiter.?

?Are you a waiter too??

Icculus frowned, as if the very question offended him. ?No.?


And I say gangsta, because that?s what he was. It?s a common misunderstanding that the Hutts are gangsters, when, in fact, Jabba and his ilk are actually gangstas who represent thug life regardless of any and all haters. [Ed. Note: Word.]


Jabba calmly adjusted his fedora. ?<I got nothin? to do with the hit on you, bro. That?s not my style. Anyone who read my book The Elements of Style: Jabba The Hutt Edition could tell you that. It?s in Chapter Three. Also, my game is Super Sabacc Extreme Wild Wampa Attack Classic.>?


?The answer to feeling better isn?t in a pill, Mr. Calrissian,? Zokk interjected with disappointment.


Braken started dealing. ?It was super-romantic; trust me. And today, in court, I think she said ?I love you.??

?I said, ?ridiculous idiots,?? Dark repeats loudly.

Trixie smirks as she walks past the defense table. She mouths, ?That?s you two? at them.


?I?m soggy.?

?Braken, unless I?m mistaken, you are saying words that sound like sorry so you don?t actually have to say it.?

?Mow I?m rot,? Braken denied.


?Have you ever known Han to be a violent, malevolent, or pedantic man??

 

?The Emperor has foreseen it,? Vader insisted.

?Yeah, well, the Emperor foresaw the ending of the Shockball Championship too, and I lost a lotta money on that thing!? a disgruntled stormtrooper said.

Without a doubt, my homework-fried brain found that to be one of the best lines in this whole thing, along with the "sciencey goop" and "eject lawyer" button. As of now, "sciencey goop" is entering my vocabulary for anything scientific that I can't identify.

Wonderful as always, just what I needed after far too much homework!

 

Nice twist with the Braaken thing Now I want to know what Braken's going to court for

 

Darth Vader thought back to his trip to the library, and realized the seemingly insignificant detail that had screwed this prophecy up. The Repenthouse letter had spelled Braken with an extra ?A?. The young clone was, in fact, the one destined to destroy the galaxy. And it sounded like he was really into it, too. The Sith lord pushed First Skywalkerian Jedi Disciples aside and lifted his saber.

(...)

?Whoa!?

?Oh ----!?

?Wow. I knew you were?but wow.?

?I?m gonna throw up.?

Vader turned his lightsaber off. ?Oh come on. Like you?ve never slain a youngling before.?


Must...stop...laughing...before...
(falls off chair)

Good and funny story, Face. Continue!

 

The updates were muchly entertaining as always!


Two, he actually wasn?t guilty this time. And Braken was not good at defending the innocent.

Great line there.


?Don?t you see, Braken? We?re making a perfect world!? Ten said. ?Imagine an entire globe?s population, united fully, hearts and minds, behind the Empire! No fear of subversive behavior! No questions of trust! We?ll hardly even need security because everyone will be so cooperative and non-terrorist-y!?

But...if everyone is cooperative and united fully, what will the lawyers do? Fight for your job security, Braken! Even if you're supposed to be...um...disbarred.


Of course, he also hoped that the Sith would spare his life, but that was looking less and less likely the longer Vader continued to strangle him to death.

I love Braken's optimism here.



Vader slapped his cape against the wall to put out the flames. ?The galaxy is not worth this kind of trouble.?

LOL!

The "Goatee Option" (and the "Eject Lawyer") on the cloning vat and the double A's in the clone names were great touches.


?This is probably all Zokk?s fault!? Braken exclaimed.

Aww, poor Zokk. Can't get no breaks. And on his birthday, no less.


?All must burn,? cooed the pre-school Braaken.

That was a very creepy image.

Great showdown with Vader, Jeb and Skitzy. The replacement cloning is a fascinating plan, and it sounds like it'll affect Jamie too since he's been cloned. I'm looking forward to seeing what Braken's got in mind for court!

Excellent work!

 

Ale: It?s that you never asked to be on the PM list. I swear! I went back and checked just to make sure. That?s the thorough kind of guy I am.

You?re still safely in my good graces, bad and ungraceful as they may be.

Kelli: Yeah, but then he goes choking anybody who calls him out on what his sorceror?s ways have failed to conjure up. So insecure.

Forcefire: You?ve got a mustache!

This story is lousy with schemers. Lousy, I say!

Vadey: That?s why I don?t charge.

padawan lunetta: Even higher than The Force: THE BUREAUCRACY. DUM DUM DUMMMM.

Daena: I don?t even know what that curriculum looks like with a thesis like that.

KELIA: I think I got that in a fortune cookie once. And I was like, ?COP-OUT?

amidalachica: Emphasis on delicious.

Zenni: I wish you the best of luck in reattaching your a.

Ale again: It?s like my very own SportsCenter Top 10. Except there?s more than 10. And they?re all from one thing. ?Right.

And you're added to the list. So there.

SithGirl132: Braken could release his own phrasebook with gems like science goop.

Nat: Nice colors.

CT-770492A3: Hi new reader! Thanks.

Thumper: Braken Starblaster, Will and Testament Writer, I guess.

Creepy??? Awww, but little Braaken Galaxyblaster is so cute!

EVERYBODY EVER FOREVER: Thank you so much for reading and replying!

 

Chapter Thirteen

No recording devices are permitted within the Most High Supreme Cosmic Court. To give us an idea of the environment and proceedings that take place behind its doors, we have only the accounts of lawyers and their clients to go on, and a piece of carpet which smells like burnt cat hair that attorney CL-113/8 snuck out. ? The Most High Supreme Cosmic Court: The Unauthorized Scoop


Zokk and Braken stood (with a third spot that should have been Braken?s empty) before the Most High Supreme Cosmic Court. This court is not to be confused with the ?Highest Supreme Cosmic Court?, which is a nine-minute psychedelic rock song by the Steel Ewoks during their spice-fueled experimental phase. The song experienced a resurgence in its popularity years later, sparked by the Holonet-spread novelty spoken-word cover performed by the head of the Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine law firm during their company retreat?s karaoke night.

Ajian Doufoom (the role reprised by Christopher Walken) sits on a stool perched near the edge of a dark stage. He takes a puff of his cigarra, eyes the audience and carefully declares, ?I think it?s?gonna be?a long, long time.?

He may have mixed the lyrics up in some places.

At any rate, that is the ?Highest Supreme Cosmic Court.? Zokk and Jamie were before the Most High Supreme Cosmic Court. It was held in a grandiose, column-heavy chamber deep within the Imperial Center main courthouse. A panel of nine judges sat at the extra-long bench. From left to right, they were MyJusticeTron 2600, Lord Shadowspawn, Morlo the Thunder-King, the current Mandalore, Dorian Immortus, The Arbiter, the Dark Lord of the Law, Palpatine?s pet vornskr, and Zombie Antonin Scalia. They had the final say on legal matters in the galaxy, and all its territories in other astral planes. They also held hearings on Imperial lawyers? right to practice law and decided winners in questionable arm-wrestling matches. Oh, and they can marry priests to sea captains, but they rarely use that power.

MyJusticeTron 2600 was the most advanced model in the Justice-Tron series of droid judges. She suffered from fewer bugs than the 1800 XP, and was more add-on-friendly than the anorexic JusticeTron Air.

Lord Shadowspawn was exactly what he sounds like.

Morlo the Thunder-King was a savage Trandoshan warlord whose gavel was made up of his predecessor?s bones. Likes include enemy-crushing, driving said enemies before him, and kicking back to the lamentation of their women.

The current Mandalore was included on the court mostly for token diversity. He believed in the strong Mandalorian code of justice, and ruled accordingly.

Dorian Immortus was an insurance adjustor who had been appointed to the court in a series of implausible and hilarious events ? and now in quite over his head. Also, he was probably immortal.

Little is known about The Arbiter. Unlike most people who say that, I am not going to follow it up with facts about him.

You already know the Dark Lord of the Law.

Palpatine?s pet vornskr was the most blatant of the Emperor?s yesmen appointed to the court. She does, however, have surprisingly divergent opinions on planets? rights under the federal system.

Zombie Antonin Scalia had once been a normal human like you or me. Since an unfortunate stopover on the Zombie Planet, he just hadn?t been the same. The name suddenly made a lot more sense, though.

As chief justice, The Arbiter held the power to bash together the heads of the two judges on either side of him at any moment. He was exercising this right when the doors burst open.

?Stop!? Braken shouted as he ran down the aisle.

?What is the meaning of this?? The Arbiter asked, adjusting the hood of his blood-red cloak.

?Ow,? said Dorian and the Dark Lord of the Law.

Braken caught his breath. ?Gentlemen, ladies, droids, and all the rest. This man is innocent.?

?There are three men on trial here,? The Arbiter pointed out.

?Well yeah but Jamie?s the only one who did anything bad.

 

The judges of the Most High Supreme Court and their descriptions are full of awesomeness.

As chief justice, The Arbiter held the power to bash together the heads of the two judges on either side of him at any moment. He was exercising this right when the doors burst open.

I bet courts in our world would function better if judges had this power.

Morlo the Thunder-King bellowed, ?Girly! Also, guilty.?

Guilty on all counts...?

...oh, guess not.

?YES,? Braken yelled. ?Take that, judicial branch!?

Yeah! You got PWNED, judicial branch! Ha ha!

The things he had seen within the attorneys? minds later led Sith Pope to commit suicide.

R.I.P Sith Pope.

Wait, this is the end? I object!

Hilarious wrap-up to a crazy, funny tale. Brilliant job as always, Face! And I have to say, I hope that "Braken Starblaster: Attorney Harder" is or will be a real story.

 

I don?t even know what that curriculum looks like with a thesis like that.

More to the point: You probably DON'T want to know.

Zokk and Braken stood (with a third spot that should have been Braken?s empty) before the Most High Supreme Cosmic Court. This court is not to be confused with the ?Highest Supreme Cosmic Court?, which is a nine-minute psychedelic rock song by the Steel Ewoks during their spice-fueled experimental phase. The song experienced a resurgence in its popularity years later, sparked by the Holonet-spread novelty spoken-word cover performed by the head of the Palpatine, Palpatine, and Palpatine law firm during their company retreat?s karaoke night.

You've been reading Hitch Hiker's guide, haven't you? ( )

And... he won? They won the case? Woah... *hugs Zokk*


Good story, and I'm with Nat on the hope that Attorney Harder is going to be another story.

 

Wonderful!!

?I motion we try it, your honors.?

Awwww....poor Artoo. But he really should watch what he says...uh...bleeps.

Great job on this story, I have enjoyed it from beginning to end

 

A thrilling conclusion! The justices were hilarious to a man (I have particular affection for Zombie Scalia).

I'm also happy to see Doufoom make an appearance of sorts, and the little previews of what happens to all the characters.

The story overall was perhaps not as tight as the original, but still a lot of laughs and good times all around. Kudos.

 

Wonderful!! The justices were great Awesome ending to an awesome story

So, shall I take it that there's another coming, in which we see all those things happening?

 

Aww, it's over?

I think Dorian Immortus is my favorite of the justices, though all of them were really great. His background sounds hilarious, especially mixed in with this whole group.


Little is known about The Arbiter. Unlike most people who say that, I am not going to follow it up with facts about him.

LOL!

The vornskr was cool too.


Prince Xizor laid the résumé aside, and looked the job candidate up and down carefully. He twirled his ponytail in long fingernails. ?And why do you want to work for the Black Sun legal department??

Trixie McVzlste grabbed the Falleen by the shoulders. ?I got nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go!?

I loved this part. Though I do feel bad for Trixie that she's paralleling Braken so closely now. That can't be a good thing.

Great story, Face! Lots of laughs and craziness and twists and turns and enjoyment. Thanks for sharing it all!

 

In a striking precedent,? The Arbiter said, ?we have reached a 4-4-1 split vote.?

?Does that mean we win?? Braken asked.

?No!?

?Awwww??



R2-D2 takes his cause to the most high court in the cosmos.

?DO MY SERVOS NOT PUMP? IF YOU CUT ME, DO I NOT LEAK?? Artoo asked.

The lawyer questioning him considered this question. After a moment of thought, Braken said, ?I motion we try it, your honors.?



THE END?!?!?

What the %^#!!!!! I finally just got on the damned PM list!


Bravo Face!


Why do I feel this is truly the end????