Saga Braken Starblaster, Space Politico: Revenge of Vengeance (complete)

Title: Braken Starblaster, Space Politico: Revenge of Vengeance
Author: The_Face
Timeframe: several months post-ANH
Genre: Humor, AU
Characters: Mostly original
Summary: An incompetent lawyer is thrust into the position of Imperial Center Mayor, then must defend his ill-gotten job against a rival candidate.



By posting this now, I'm narrowly fulfilling my promise to not make you wait a year between stories, but only narrowly. Sorry for the delay, everybody.

Braken Starblaster previously starred in two fics, Braken Starblaster, Space Attorney and Braken Starblaster Destroys the Galaxy! (2009 winner Best Humor among other things!). You don't have to read them in order to follow this one, especially since this first post is designed to catch you up/refresh your memory. If you want to, though, I won't stop you. The first one's quite short and the second's not much longer.

Enough from me. Let's dive in.

---

[b]Prologue[/b]


It all started with a big bang.

More specifically, the huge skkkkraBOOOOSHHH that accompanied the destruction of the Death Star.

Thousands of innocent Imperials died. The terrorist directly responsible for this heinous act was named Luke Skywalker. He was captured soon after and brought to trial to face his crimes. The prosecution consisted of Jamie Calrissian (no relation to the star system) and Trixie McVzlste of the law firm Palpatine, Palpatine, & Palpatine. Representing the defense was their colleague Braken Starblaster. [Ed. Note: Change ?colleague.? Maybe ?inferior? or ?reviled one.?]

The trial was a media circus. The Associated Clown Press was the first to report the decision that shocked the galaxy: Luke Skywalker was innocent on the basis that [i]he doesn't exist.[/i] Braken showed the heavy implausibility of Skywalker's life, and his lack of verifiable parentage.

The case was thrown out, and the prosecuting attorneys spiraled. Jamie lost his trademark rhyming abilities in a tragic Force lightning accident. He then spent credit upon credit trying to restore it through medical malpractice. Trixie, disillusioned, left the Empire entirely.

It was she who represented the family of Greedo, a Rodian brutally murdered by Skywalker's accomplice Han Solo. Braken, again, defended a terrorist, this time with Jamie on his side. However, what with Jamie's forging of evidence, the two of them were nearly disbarred. They got out of it because clones. Also, lying.

BUT WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Braken received two million credits from the Empire to compensate for Vader and a slew of bounty hunters all trying to kill him under false pretenses.

Trixie, having abandoned the Empire and finding no luck with the Alliance, applied at the Black Sun legal department. She was pretty upset by her descent, but Black Sun has good dental, so she should chin up.

Jamie, dissatisfied with the side-effects of his medication and how often they included the word ?pustule,? vowed to find another solution to his rhyming problems.

Han's case went to retrial, I guess. Who cares. That guy is not an important guy. He just wears a vest to make you think he is.

Greedo's body was tossed antenna-first in a dumpster, still smoking a bit, and started a small fire before being beaten into a state of non-flaming.

And with the implementation of some kind of segue, we are brought to Mayor Phal Anax. WHERE IS HE NOW? Dang it, I'm about to tell you. Don't interrupt. Also, you haven't met him before now, so your question is weird.

Anax is the mayor of Imperial Center. Imperial Center is, of course, a city as well as a planet. As a result, it has both a planetary leader and a city-wide one. The mayor is redundant, irrelevant, and generally overruled by the regional governor. However, because of Imperial bureaucracy, the mayor continues to exist. Or at least, he does until the end of this scene.

Mayor Anax and

 

It's back!!!

Which means I'm here.

When I saw Revenge of Vengeance I was hooked. Also ninja stars. And chests free of ninja stars. And the downtrodded slugs.

PM's please!

 

?You're a wealthy, incompetent, easily-controlled, moderately attractive, widely-liked lawyer. You were made for this.?

Ajain really knows how to flatter, huh?

I loved the beginning and I would love PM's

Looking forward to more

 

Awesome, more Braken!

Poor Zuun. Who sent the cosmo-ninja? And WHERE IS THE COSMO-NINJA NOW?

I can't wait to see how Braken handles the world of politics, LOL. Add me to the Update PM List, please!

 

YES. Like entropy, the awesomeness of Braken Starblaster can by definition only increase. Thus, like the heat death of the universe, my addiction to yet another Braken fanfic approaches inexorably. Huzzah! For fic addiction. Not for the heat death of the universe.

PM list me, please!

EDIT

Han's case went to retrial, I guess. Who cares. That guy is not an important guy. He just wears a vest to make you think he is.

I have always felt this way. Nice to be vindicated by the omniscient narrator.

EDIT 2

?Buzzed on bear alcohol is no way to live your days,? Ajian said. ?You're a wealthy, incompetent, easily-controlled, moderately attractive, widely-liked lawyer. You were made for this.?

?My word. You're right.? Braken stood up and threw his empty beartini glass aside. ?Get me my shirt,? he said. ?I'm going into politics.?

By the time I reached this point I was muffling my mouth with my hand to avoid rousing the suspicion of my office mate, but this exchange sabotaged that mission. Great stuff!

 

*begins to review, get's phone call from grandmother... ...comes back to review...*

Face!!!!!! (Er... missed you and Braken!)

I also request PM update thingies. Good, good start.

 

I was already excited to see Braken back, m'kay.

But this really made my day, m'kay; He is played by Christopher Walken.

Reading his lines in that classicly trained dialogue - I believe Walker and Shatner attended the same acting workshops - in my head was priceless!!!

And, yeah, I want some cheesy-poofs!
(I mean PMs please...)

 

Hold on a moment...stuffing my lungs back down my throat...stitching my sides back in place...okay, we're good. PM list please please please please pl.....

 

*weeps with joy at returning to the JC and seeing a new Braken Starblaster fic*

Greedo's body was tossed antenna-first in a dumpster, still smoking a bit, and started a small fire before being beaten into a state of non-flaming.

Awww, poor Greedo doesn't even get to start a big, awesome fire? The universe is so unfair.

Ha ha, ninjas and ninja stars and politicians! I am greatly enjoying this fic already.

BRAKEN!

?Ajian!? Braken exclaimed. ?What brings you to Dodecadentron, the twelve-sided luxury resort planet? Shouldn't you be back in that stuffy boring Imperial Center office, working on paperwork?? He pointed and laughed and apparently forgot that Ajian wasn't at the office. ?Suckerrrrr!?

Same old Braken.

Glad to see you back with yet another awesome story, Face! I would like to remain on the list for update PMs, please.

 

I'm so glad you've decided to write another in your Braken Starblaster series. Please put me on the PM list.

 

You have rightly honed in on the funniness of the term "bear alcohol," and I commend you for it.

Happy as ever to see more Braken; I toast you with the finest of bear martinis.

 

Wow. How do you come up with this stuff? Pm's, please. (thanks for the first)

Awesome post, as always.

Raptor517

 

Luna: I'm back, which means it's here!

KELIA: Oh yeah, a real sweet-talker, that one.

Thumper: This story will leave no cosmo-ninja unturned.

furrylittlebantha: Always an honor to be compared to the heat death of the universe. And favorably, this time!

Daena: My best regards to your grandmother.

Ale: After he fell rather by the wayside in Braken Starblaster Destroys the Galaxy!, it was a pleasure to bring all of Ajian's Walkenisms back.

frodogenic: Impressive self-healthcare!

amidalachica: That Greedo, always coming up short.

Kelli: I blame all of you people.

Forcefire: Cheers!

Raptor: I'd say I wish I knew, but no. I don't think I do want to know.

Leona: Hi Frieda!

Everyone: Thank you very much for reading and replying! I am so glad to see each and every one of you here. I hope you'll stick with me as we dive in.

---

[b]Chapter One:
New Guy[/b]

?And to Coach Skimsnapper of P.S. 7220, who's the petticoat-wearing crybaby whose father doesn't love him now?!?
? Braken Starblaster, inaugural address


Acting Mayor Braken Starblaster entered the staff meeting with all the grace and bearing of a one-legged Ewok in mental decline. He slammed his hands down onto the two nearest corners of the table. ?Hello everyone. You're probably wondering why I called this meeting,? he said.

?Is it because we have a meeting every week at the same time in the same place?? guessed Deputy Mayor Zokk Hopscotcher, a young human with bright eyes and shaggy brown hair. He had been an intern under Braken during his days as a lawyer, and Braken's protegé in particular.

Braken cast his eyes downward and sighed. ?That is just the kind of in-the-box thinking that I would expect from you, Zokk.? He looked back up at his staff. ?People, we can't just think the same four ways over and over again. I want you to think in... the octagon, for example. That's twice as many ideas as a box. Or some even better shape than that. I want you to think of as many sides as you possibly can. Everybody, think of all the sides you can possibly think of.?

A long awkward silence followed. Mouths were frowned. Brows were furrowed. Lips were chewed. Jim Halpert looked directly into the camera.

Zokk raised his hand again. ?Twenty-one, sir!?

Braken nodded approvingly. ?Yes, Zokk. Yes. That sounds like a very complicated shape. From now on, instead of a box, I want you to think in that.?

?Does this mean I get my own office?? Zokk asked with hopeful tears welling up in his young eyes.

?No, keep using your box.?

?But it smells like mynock.?

Braken slammed his hands on the table. ?I did [i]not[/i] call this meeting to talk about what Sullustan restaurant's dumpster I got Zokk's office from. I called this meeting to discuss the unsubstantiated rumors we've all been hearing on the streets, and seeing in the news, and reading in the encyclopedia.? He took a deep breath. ?The answer, is yes, I bought a scratch -n- sniff chocolate sticker two weeks ago.?

Everyone gasped. And for good reason. Braken is, after all, a recovering chocoholic. He long avoided it due to his childhood home being broken by his father's chocoholism and the fear that he could follow in his dad's footsteps. But the sweet stuff's siren call proved too much and shortly before quitting law, he had an episode of binge chocolate-eating.

[i]A chocolate bar in one hand, Braken weeps as he puts his hand on the transparisteel in the prison visitor's room. On the prison side of it, Han Solo asks if he can go back to his cell now.[/i]

?I was feeling really stressed about the responsibilities of the new job. It was a moment of weakness. But even though I bought it, and I did let my fingernail drift over it, I want you to know I did not inhale.?

?Did you stick it to anything?? asked Merri Nebulos, the Adumarian girl with wide-set eyes and a bob haircut, who was taking the minutes of the meeting as part of her duties as secretary.

?Yes, my trapper-keep

 

That was excellent, I especially loved this part:

Jamie begged the Dark Lord to restore his poetry. For a moment, Dark wanted to challenge him to a fiddling contest, but he fought that ridiculous and vestigial instinct. Instead, he went to the modern standard and just asked Jamie for his soul. But Jamie had lost possession of it years earlier in order to loosen the five-dollar footlong rules to more of a lawless Wild West kind of situation.



I also love that you're bringing back all of the other characters, especially Zokk. Great work, I can't wait until the next installment.

 

THIS IS HILARIOUS!! Can't wait for more!! Please keep me on the PM list

 

I absolutely love all the little bits and pieces that fit into this. There are so many gems in each sentence that it's hard to pick a favorite, but mine is probably the part about making Leia into Princess Leia and there always being a new hope. Priceless. Also the sordid, absolutely terrible chocoholic addiction. Hah! I'm glad that we don't look down on that, or I'd have a serious problem! Fantastic as always... I can't wait for more good laughs, and especially the stellar PM's that start it all off.

 

I just want to say that this: It was a devastating rhetorical tactic, and it worked in practice too., from a pure craft level, might be the best joke you've ever written. Kudos.

 

Ah...always get belly laughs from reading these. Much thanks.

 

She wasn't calling to tell me she'd injured herself. (That actually happened last year. I'm here to tell you that I've never gotten a more confusing phone call than that one.) So... is step in right direction if she's making me laugh. Thank you, Face.

?And to Coach Skimsnapper of P.S. 7220, who's the petticoat-wearing crybaby whose father doesn't love him now?!?
? Braken Starblaster, inaugural address

Now that... that sounds like an inaugural address worth listening to!

?I did not call this meeting to talk about what Sullustan restaurant's dumpster I got Zokk's office from. I called this meeting to discuss the unsubstantiated rumors we've all been hearing on the streets, and seeing in the news, and reading in the encyclopedia.? He took a deep breath. ?The answer, is yes, I bought a scratch -n- sniff chocolate sticker two weeks ago.?

So... Zokk's office (which is an old and used box) is less important than that scratch and sniff sticker?!? (Oh... wait. Chocolate!)

?A-actually, that's Mr. Starblaster,? Merri said, indicating Braken.

?Good ----ing gravy, how old is this bag of bones? Twenty-three??

Am suddenly reminded of Zaphod Beeblebrox... hee!!!!

Today's Moral: Check for security cameras in the garage before you key the mayor's speeder.

Always good advice, that...

 

Cool, I was hoping Zokk would be in this one!

I love that Braken has a trapper-keeper, heh heh.


?We've identified some more business fronts for Black Sun operations here on Imperial Centah.?
?Good. How close are you to finding the sides and backs of these businesses?? Braken asked.

That was great!


Token laundering and Powerpoint? That clearly is the work of an evil organization.

Braken should totally invent mirrmor. It would give the added bonus of giving seven years of bad luck to anyone who broke the armor and hurt the wearer.

Great update, Face! Looking forward to more!

 

Kelli: It would be worth it to get the steak and cheese for five dollars.

Nat: Consider yourself kept!

Luna: My stories aim to entertain but they also educate. Chocoholism is a real problem, people.

Forcefire: Thank you sir.

Raptor: Go straight for the belly, that's what I say. It's also why I was kicked out of my thumb-wrestling league.

Daena: In Braken's mind, Zokk's office is less important than a lot of things.

Thumper: That's a good point. Extra-helpful against a superstitious and cowardly lot. Also anyone narcissistic enough to not want to harm their reflection.

Leona: Today is a perfect day to update!

---

[b]Chapter Two:
Special Day[/b]

Time capsules are stupid. Do you know who else buried all their good stuff in the ground so future generations could dig it up? Dinosaurs. And they're extinct now. Coincidence?
? Sonty Mick, review of ?Time Capsule: The Movie 3-D? (2015)


The Ace Beamray campaign headquarters quickly took up residence in the skyscraper across the street from the Ebony Supernova arcade. Soon there was a huge animated holoboard of Ace's gleaming smile and eye which gave the world a flirty wink every fifth second. The smug look in his piercing brown eyes (or every five seconds, eye) showed that he knew the world was feeling his vibes in return.

Ace Beamray (the real one, not the hologram) had the same knowledge, even though he wasn't sending a wink out at such an unrelenting pace as his scaled-up outdoor advertisement version. Braken had experienced some popularity as an abstract concept for his association with the media-saturating Skywalker trial, even though most citizens couldn't really tell you anything about him. Ace, meanwhile, was beloved as a personality first and for his accomplishments second.

He started out in politics joining the staff of Garm bel Iblis in his third season in the Imperial Senate. He proved to be a breakout character, and soon spun off to his own senatorial seat ? for the planet Krautooine, despite being a native Corellian. Ace was a hotshot loose cannon in the senate. Constituents thrilled to his flippant womanizing persona in press conferences, his daring high-risk debate tactics, and his flashy propositions which ignored all the procedures.

[i]?Frag it, Beamray!? Amedda bellows, pounding his fist on his desk. ?I've got five lobbyists in the morgue, the press all over me, and the Vizier is breathing down my neck to clean up [/i]your[i] mess!?

Ace looks his boss directly in the eye and carefully lifts a nico-bac inhaler to his lips. His features show no reaction to Amedda's anger.

?This whole committee may be finished because of your antics, Beamray!?

?You can question my methods all you want, but I get results,? Ace growls.

?Results? Results like [/i]another[i] dead page?? Amedda counters.

?He knew the risks. It's not my fault you assigned me some green wide-eyed kid.?

?That's what a page is!? Amedda screams. ?And his skin color has nothing to do with it! You're out of control, Beamray. What would Goose say??

At the mention of Ace's first page, he casts his face away, and whispers, ?Goose...?[/i]

[color=firebrick]Ace fell to his knees in the rotunda, holding the bloody body of Goose. ?GOOOOOOSE!!? he screamed to the heavens.[/color]

[i]Ace shakes off his flashback. ?Listen, speaker, I'm the best Senator you've got. So are you gonna let me do my thing, or are you gonna step aside??

?You're off the bill, Beamray.?

?I'd like to see you try,? Ace replies.

?I? w? wait, what??[/i]

Braken walked purposefully into the Beamray campaign headquarters. Just as soon as he escaped the rotating doors (it took seven cycles), a droid approached him.

?Ha!? laughed Braken. ?My secretary is a real person! Way better!?

?Good morning, sir,? the droid said. ?Welcome to the Ace Beamray for Mayor campaign. How may I help you??

?I'm looking for Trixie McVzlste,? Braken said as he looked around and took in the elegant high-ceilinged Naboo-style décor of the building.

 

There really. Really. REALLY needs to be more Scruffy in this fic. Or in another one. Quite frankly I don't care which one as long as it's got Scruffy...

 

I came for the free popcorn; I'm staying for Jamie Calrissian.








...which is good because it turns out there's no free popcorn here anymore.
(These forums really went downhill since I left. No popcorn, no drinks, no live shows hosted by David Bowie. What's up with that? Those were the best. Unless I'm thinking of the stadium downtown...which is also technically a forum, and possibly a net force when you add up its overall mass...)