Before Broken Circle (Qui-Gon, Xanatos, Crion) - Complete 3/31/05

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by dianethx, Mar 27, 2005.

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  1. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Title: Broken Circle
    Author:dianethx
    Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn, Xanatos deCrion, Crion deCrion
    Timeframe: Pre Jedi Apprentice
    Summary: Events on Telos go from bad to worse.
    Notes: This started out as a broken nose challenge plot bunny but it kinda morphed into something else. Oh, well.
    ************************************

    The corpse pitched forward, hitting the floor with a low meaty thud. Above him, the bloody liquid of his super-heated entrails sprayed outward, cloudy droplets floating almost weightless and then, ever so gently, the mist began to drift down, glazing all in greasy-brown. The coppery taste of death was everywhere.

    And, for just a moment, it was quiet.

    One shuddering breath broke through the wall of stunned silence as Qui-Gon Jinn stared at the carcass. The battle had been short, tainted with crimson corruption and completely unexpected. And yet, he remembered it all...

    The vibroshiv gleaming abruptly in the madman's hands, the off-pitched whine of the blade screeching upward, discordant and shrill, and then down, as the Jedi tried desperately to parry. The attacker's delusions had only fueled his rage. And Jinn could do nothing but fall back in defense even as the frenzied assault pushed him towards the roaring hearthfire and retreat's end. The vibroshiv wailed close, a jittering promise to rend flesh and skin into bits of steaming meat. Yet Qui-Gon struggled to keep from hurting the man, to disarm him before it was too late. But, even as his lightsaber sliced through the metallic vibroblade, green flame arcing gracefully, the man suddenly turned into the searing light. And then, screaming in pain and obscenities, Crion of Telos died.

    It should not have happened, not like this.

    When Jinn and his Padawan first arrived, Crion deCrion, Absolute Ruler of the First House and Monarch of the Telosian people, had met them with warm welcome, all bureaucrat's smiles and cooperation. And he made it known that he was ready to do whatever was necessary to end the destructive conflict between the Rebel Coalition and the government of Telos.

    That war had been savage, long-standing and exceptionally costly in both credits and lives. The Treasury was depleted; the regime was on the verge of collapse. And the grisly death of untold numbers and the rabid environmental catastrophes that followed the grappling of the power-mad brigands had been devastating. But when the conflict escalated beyond even the Senate's willful blindness, the Republic had bowed to the inevitable and finally sent the Jedi to investigate. Accepting the reality of intervention, deCrion, with much elaborate fanfare, welcomed them with open arms.

    It seemed then that the city was alive with hope. When the Monarch moved out onto the balcony and bowed to the representatives, the crowds cheered wildly. Everywhere was the sound of blaring trumpets and the sweet song of flutes, the buildings festooned with expensive garlands of white caleotrope and the exotic fragrance of tapava petals, the melodies of deliverance filling the air. And the Ruler of Telos was ever grandiose in his gestures of friendship.

    Standing there before the milling crowds, at first deCrion only glanced at the tall, black-haired apprentice. But he gave no sign of recognition. After all, Xanatos deCrion had been taken more than 20 years ago to be raised in the Jedi Order and it was not likely that he would ever see his son again.

    But when he was finally introduced, the politician's smile turned genuine, then hungry for a fleeting instant before oiling back into polite. Bowing with a formal sweep of his hand, all courtier-gallant, he welcomed the Jedi but then, deliberately, unexpectedly, he had grabbed Xanatos and enveloped him in a showy hug. The people roared with delight. A moment later, he let Xani go but continued to whisper sweet words of welcome and joyous family bonds to the young Learner. And, as Jinn frowned with concern and silence, they were swept into the opulent palace.

    After that, it was all honeyed phrases and sumptuous f
  2. Altaira Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 11, 2002
    star 4
    I can see where Xan would inherit his cold heart. Crion deCrion is one cold cookie.

    The description and scene was captivating. Crion?s wealth and brutal manipulations were awesome. He had them all fooled. Enticing his son from the jedi would be a last triumph, and I mean last. :p

    What a cliff hanger to end on too. :eek: That was an intense introduction to Crion and his end. :) =D=
  3. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Wow... that was intense. Can't help but think poor Qui-Gon... never wanted to hurt the man and winds up killing him, just as Xnantos comes in. Crion was truly despicable using his own son the way he did and Xani, in his blindness over what his eyes see and ignorance on it will never know the truth.

    That was brilliantly written Diane.
  4. Knight_Dilettante Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2002
    star 4
    So this is what you've been up to eh? Excellent as usual. Poor Qui-Gon. Poor Xanatos too if he didn't really know what his father was up to.

    Do I get to look forward to more?

    KD
  5. Musing Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2003
    star 2
    Oh, wow, dianethx. Creepy...and thus perfect for that creep Crion. Or maybe cretin is the word... [face_thinking]

    Doesn't seem AU-ish at all. Was it really that hard to write? It works great! =D=
  6. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Altaira Thanks. I always figured that Crion was a creep. He started a war, stole his people's wealth and generally did a lot of harm.
    Thanks about the descriptions. I really love to write it but I can get a little carried away some times. :p

    I do love writing and reading cliffhangers! Thanks for reading.

    Leona I do love to write intense. Yes, poor Qui-Gon. He didn't mean to do it but things are about to get much worse! You'll just have to see. LOL. Thanks for the brilliant. I have such lovely readers!

    KD Yep, this is what I've been working on. Gave me headaches just trying to get the characters right. Crion wasn't hard (I love writing villians. They are just so deliciously evil) but getting Xan right was really difficult. We shall see if my readers like it or not.

    Yes, there will either be one more really, really long post or 2 shorter posts. I haven't decided yet. I would have broken this one up as well since it's fairly long but there was nowhere to break it without disturbing the cadence of the fight. I'll finish it up sometime this week since I'll be going into lurker mode by the weekend.

    Musing See, I can write JA or pre-JA almost canon. It isn't really AU but I don't have my JA books right now so I couldn't check to see if it was canon enough.
    Yes, it was very difficult to write. Not this post but the next (one long or two short - I haven't decided yet) gave me fits. Trying to get Xan right was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I just hope it works out correctly. However, I was quite pleased with it so I'm hoping my readers will be, too.

    Thanks for reading.
  7. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    Wow Diane -- I read this before I went to church but didn't have time then to do a reply.

    That was just amazing I'm so glad to hear that there is going to be more because that would be an absolutely horrible place for an ending :p

    Your detail and imagery is absolutely superb and is one of the things that keeps me coming back for more on everything you write.

    Keep writing! Good luck with the move :)
  8. JediVeloJinn Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 23, 2003
    star 1
    sorry if this turns up twice. I couldn't see my reply. Below is the original:


    wow. Great start.

    I can't believe that I caught it at the beginning, instead of reading past posts as usual.

    Besides, Xani was about to take his Trials. If his apprentice could not handle something this simple, he was not ready for the missions he would be assigned as a lone Knight. *smile*. I definitely agree. Xan should really be used to being tempted by material things.

    It just makes me sad that Xan can't see beyond the gaudy things offered to him by his father and chose to abandon Qui's years of work with him. Unless you've got a surprise up your sleeve and Xan was only pretending to go along with his father in order to gain more info? Surely his Jedi instincts must tell him what a sneak Crion is.

    I look forward to more.

    Velo
  9. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Layren Thanks. So you think I shouldn't end it there. I could have, after all. :p but I figured my readers would hunt me down and kill me! LOL.

    Thanks about the imagery. There will be more of it. Thanks for reading.

    JediVeloJinn Thanks. It is best to begin at the beginning...LOL.

    Xan should really be used to being tempted by material things. Indeed he should be and I don't think he is really being tempted by material goods so much as power and the love of a son for his father....

    As for the up my sleeve thing, I'm not sure but I guess we will find out together. :D

    Thanks.
  10. Kynstar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 2, 2004
    star 5
    Wowzers... that was awesome! Great job! Poor Qui... not being able to admit his love for the boy :(

    Yep that's deCrion all right... using young Xan like that :(

    =D= Well done!
  11. Master_Noi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 8, 2004
    star 4
    I always love your imagery. I really felt for Qui-Gon in the last scene, feeling that he needed to get to Xanatos and explain, but having him walk into the room instead.
  12. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Wow!

    But when he was finally introduced, the politician's smile turned genuine, then hungry for a fleeting instant before oiling back into polite. Bowing with a formal sweep of his hand, all courtier-gallant, he welcomed the Jedi but then, deliberately, unexpectedly, he had grabbed Xanatos and enveloped him in a showy hug. The people roared with delight. A moment later, he let Xani go but continued to whisper sweet words of welcome and joyous family bonds to the young Learner. And, as Jinn frowned with concern and silence, they were swept into the opulent palace.

    And how easily he accomplished the stealing of his son's heart and soul!

    You've mentioned several times how slowly you write. All I can say is that the great care and effort you put into your writing comes through every time!

    This was incredibly powerful and moving. Your imagery was superb; I could see everything you described!

    Lovely! =D=
  13. Jedi-Tiger-Lilly Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2005
    star 1
    That was amazing. Your descriptions were so well done. I really liked this story.
  14. LuvEwan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    You leave me in awe every time, diane. This was an absolute joy to read. It was so rich in description and emotion. I was just blown away by every paragraph. [face_love]

  15. Indra Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2003
    star 3
    Woohoo! You wrote it. I was so looking forward to this from what you said on the Xan-thread. Impressive writing, as usual. I'm always amazed at your eloquence. The words seem to dance around each other, drawing pictures and bringing the characters to life.
    I can't wait to read how Xanatos will react to his father's death. A truly wonderful story. =D=
  16. maychorian Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 7, 2005
    star 4
    Whoa. I'd never read anything with Crion as a living, talking character before. Just reading his words made me feel a little icky, as if rancid oil had spilled on my skin. Bleeuch. Very, very well-written.

    Can't wait to see Xani. Poor kid . . . though Qui-Gon was right, he should have been old enough to make the right choice on his own. Xan must have had the seed of darkness within him the entire time.

    But then, don't we all?
  17. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Kynstar Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it so much. I had a great time writing deCrion. He's so deliciously bad. Thanks. :D

    Noi Thanks. I really enjoyed writing that scene. Especially the cliffhanger...:p Love those cliffies.

    VaderLVR64 Thanks. It was easy to do. Xan was probably always feeling the loss of his father and the Code forbids attachment. I figured once deCrion came back into his life, he would feel the connection.

    Thanks. I do put a lot of effort into my stories, probably more than I need to but I have to please myself first. Glad you enjoyed it. I do like description [face_blush]

    Jedi-Tiger-Lilly Thanks. I love to write in a lush style. It feels comfortable to me. Glad you enjoyed it.

    LE Thanks so much, LE. I haven't been around the boards much. When I write, I pay attention to that and not much else. Thanks. The next part will be up tomorrow.

    Indra I hope I was satisfactory. I'm more nervous about tomorrow's post since Xan shows himself to have certain blind spots. We'll see if you like the way I wrote him or not... Keeping my fingers crossed.

    maychorian Cool. I like your rancid oil image! Thanks. As for Xan, he's confused. And likely to be so for some time. As for darkness, we all carry it within us. It just takes the right spark to set it off. Hope you enjoy the next part. Thanks for reading.



  18. dianethx Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Here's the second of three posts. Enjoy.

    With that very thought hounding his conscience, he turned toward the door just as his Padawan, Xanatos deCrion, hurried into the room.

    "Father, I...."

    The young man stopped short. Sapphire eyes blackened with shock as he stared at the sprawled corpse. It seemed almost as if Xanatos were some beautiful, colorless statue, bled white, frozen in the trembling moment. Or was it the Padawan that was trembling? Only the chest rising and falling and the gentle sway of his black braid told of life in that pallid form.

    His gaze moved upward, meeting those of his mentor. But there were no questions, no condemnation, only bewilderment. Or horror.

    Xan looked down again at the body. In the firelight, the tunic's embroidery was gilded flame, full of rich color; the flutters of lace drifted in the currents of heated air. One still hand had slumped close to the fire and began to heat slightly, the gems on his Monarch's ring glittering red. And everywhere was the greasy brown of spilled blood.

    Xanatos moved as lightening would to ground, without thought. Shoving past Qui-Gon, he knelt down beside the cooling body. His hands gently skimmed the cauterized wound. Then a sharp sound of denial caught in his throat as he pulled the Force into his grasp and outward again, trying desperately to revive a dead man.

    An ragged voice, hoarse and low, whispered, "Father?" But there was no answer.

    It was too late.

    When it became clear that he could do nothing else, the Padawan seemed to sink into himself, kneeling there as he gazed silently at the corpse. Qui-Gon let the young man have his moment of grief. It was only fitting that someone mourn the tyrant's passing but when he put a sympathetic hand on Xan's shoulder in a show of support, it was quickly wrenched away.

    "What have you done?" Rough, biting, he spat the question.

    The Jedi Master was taken aback by the clear accusation in his Padawan's tone. Frowning at the disquiet now slithering under his skin, he explained gently, "It was an accident, Xani. He fell into the saber just as I was about to disengage it."

    When the young man said nothing else, Qui-Gon continued, "I'm so sorry, Padawan. He died almost immediately. There was nothing I could do."

    Almost choking in disbelief, Xanatos drew back, "An accident, you?? It's not possible."

    "Believe me, Xani. Even Masters make mistakes." Qui-Gon was beginning to worry about his reaction; his apprentice should have understood his motivations well enough to know that it could have been nothing but an accident. After all, they had been a team for over a decade. Surely...

    His Padawan looked up at that, his sapphire eyes so like his father's. "You never do. Make mistakes?? The Perfect Master would never admit to ..."

    "Xanatos!"

    Rising, he stalked over to Qui-Gon, Xan's face pale with incomprehension and anger and pain. "He warned me.. he warned me about your jealousy. Said you were envious of him, of our connection as father and son." He stared unblinking at his father's body and then glared condemnation at his Master. "I told him he was wrong. I defended you."

    Qui-Gon could feel his outrage in the Force, almost see the smoky chaotic currents beginning to sink into his flesh. But there was remorse, too. It was clawing at him like a ravenous gundark.

    "Padawan, think about what you are saying. He has been planning this all along."

    "Planning this?!?" Astonishment seized the air. Xan stepped back and began pacing, clenched hands restless at his side, bone and sinew white against the fair skin, stark anxiety. His whole body thrummed with shadowed emotion.

    Refusing to look at his Master, Xan spat out, "He kept telling me that he was afraid of you. That you might go after him, accuse him of theft or murder, anything to keep him away from me. Maybe even hurt him in some way. But he kept reassuring me that he was willing to brave your anger."

    Xan stopped then, his sapphire eyes unfocused as he stared off into some otherworld/>
  19. Altaira Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 11, 2002
    star 4
    Xan?s bitterness rose quickly from his pain. Diane, there is not a face to sum up my utter amazement at this moment. The waves of delusion in him finally drowning him. :( This has been wonderful to read. How about you re-writing those... what do you guys say? ?she who will not be named.?

    You go right for the heart and hold it in a vice grip. I?m going to have to read this one a few times. ;)

    I did like the broken nose, but with Xan?s pain in this it was impossible to enjoy the tie-in too much. This is the saddest thing I ever loved. :) You said you were having a hard time writing this, it does not show. But, I have not hit perfection too many times to know how hard it is to get there. ;) couldn?t help but gush for this!
  20. Princess_Arulmozhi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 16, 2004
    star 4
    That was...brilliant =D= . But then, I expected nothing less. :)

    Since I've never read the JA books, I'd no idea of the exact nature of the last confrontation between Qui-Gon and Xanatos...[on an aside, how exactly is this AU? It seems like canon, from what I've picked up on the threads.]

    I sympathize with Master Jinn with all my heart - it must have ripped him apart to see a 'child of his heart', his legacy, apparently swayed by the tales his father fed him - painful though that must have been...it'd have been worse to think that his student didn't believe his repeated assurance that it was only an accident. A team for so many years - yet, Xani just...gave up on his master. [we have a folktale, you know, in one of our epic dramas, during which a character is cursed for a slight misdemeanour or other he committed - but which enraged his teacher to an extent unheard of : "You wil lose all your knowledge, all your powers, in your most desperate hour of need." . Which he did. I can't help drawing parallels.

    Qui-Gon somehow seems to have lost all aid when he needed it most. And even what he did in self-defense follows him like a spectre all his life. It's like the spot of dirt in a large, white cloth - in such a vast expanse of pristine whiteness, your focus is drawn to the dot of dirt alone...]

    I can't help feeling (the tiniest bit) sorry for Xan too - to feel such anger and helplessness, and what he must have thought as the ultimate betrayal, by his own master. And yet - all those years of Jedi training seem to have done nothing, for him.

    You say there's part 3 coming too ? [composes self to wait patiently.]

    <surveys post> I think I've commented longer than your post! :D
  21. Master_Noi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 8, 2004
    star 4
    I know I am repeating myself, but I just get goosebumps with your descriptions. Little details like the lace on Crion's sleeve swaying, just make it wonderful to read.

    Xan's progression from grief and anger to near insanity was great. I can't wait for the third part.

  22. Kynstar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 2, 2004
    star 5
    Oh well done! Well done! =D= As this should have been the way it was done! Great work!

    Loved the emotional tirade as it built up. Xan tried to get control there for a moment (well actually looked like several times) but it was juz not meant to be. :( Poor guy... Lies and deceit was his father's way...but he juz couldn't see past the man's false facade :(

    Excellent work!!! Poor Qui-Gon... he tried numerous times to calm Xan, but the words juz seemed to aggrevate the youth more or he juz didn't hear.
  23. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    Oh wow Diane ... after a rough morning that was awesome to come home and read during my break -- I got chills as Xanatos pressed the ring into his face and when he hit poor Qui's nose.. poor Qui. Excellent!!

    =D==D==D=
  24. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Rip my heart out, why don't you??? :_|

    I was totally captivated and enthralled from the very first word.

    Qui-Gon knew that he had to reassure the Padawan of his affection, Code be damned. The son of his heart must be made to see that he could be loved by more than just a tie of blood. Before it was too late.


    Now I need to go read something fluffy and light.

    =D=
  25. LuvEwan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    This is the best descriptive prose the boards has to offer by far. This is just...I can't even think of what to say, it's so good. It's unbelievable, diane. Congratulations on writing such a lovely piece. Your talent is amazing.
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