"But I Do-" JA, Obi and Qui angst, short story- complete, sequel coming, teaser up Jan. 24

[face_shocked] Whoah. Thanks for all the replies, guys.





"No, Obi-Wan. We have a lot to talk about. Now."

Obi-Wan only stared out stonily, his face set in cold hard lines. Qui-Gon continued, undaunted.

"First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am for hitting you. I should never have done that. If you don't forgive me, I'll understand, but I want you to know that I regret that. I was wrong."

Obi-Wan frowned. He had been bracing himself for a lecture, or more criticism, or even another slap, despite the fact that Qui-Gon had never physically punished him before. He was not prepared for understanding. He flinched away when his Master tried to touch him on the shoulder, as if he were something precious.

"Please, Padawan. Tell me what's wrong. You do understand what you were about to do this morning, don't you?"

"Yes, I understand," he answered tiredly. The boy did not want to tell his secret to anyone, but here Qui-Gon was trying to be so understanding, almost affectionate, and offering him the love for which he was so starved. Yet he did not trust the offer, not after all that had happened to him.

"Why, my Padawan? How could you do this? I need to know what's done this to you. Then we can remedy it together."

The elder man's tone was so pleading that Obi-Wan could feel his inner defenses crumbling. He shook his head, and tried to hang on to his shredded dignity and his anger.

"Look, I don't feel like talking right now."

Qui-Gon edged slightly closer to his Padawan, who jerked away, positioning himself closer to the wall and biting his lip.

"Padawan, I only want what's best for you. There's-"

"If you really wanted what's best for me, you didn't have to hit me," the teen snapped. Qui-Gon sighed.

"You're right. That was wrong, and I apologize. Padawan, I'm worried about you. If you'd only talk to me-"

"I have nothing to say," Obi-Wan lied through his teeth. Really, he'd yearned to talk to someone about what he was going through. But Qui-Gon had brushed him off so many times...

The Jedi Master was growing more and more anxious. He did not know what to do. Obi-Wan was his third Apprentice, and yet he'd never been in a situation like this before. Part of him felt that perhaps giving the boy space would help, but he was worried that things would get worse if not dealt with sooner.

"This is my fault, isn't it, Obi-Wan? I've done this. Tell me, please. I have to know. Please tell me what's going on with you."

That clenched it. The loneliness Obi-Wan felt took control. He suddenly felt that he had to tell the truth, that he could not hide his feelings anymore. What Qui-Gon would say he did not know, but it was doubtful that things could possibly get any worse than they were.

"Yes, this is your fault. You're always so hard on me. I must be a total failure to you or something. No matter what I do, I'm never good enough for you. Nothing makes you proud anymore. All you do is tell me how pathetic I am, how badly I disappoint you. Do you know how hard this is for me? How difficult it is to go on?"

Anger colored his voice but he did not care, and pushed on without giving Qui-Gon a chance to speak.

"I want so much to make you proud, Master. I'd do anything. I love you, don't you realize that? You're the only father I've ever known, really. I'm sorry I'm not a better Padawan to you, you deserve so much better than me. I know you despise me, that you never wanted me in the first place-"

"No, Obi-Wan, don't say that-"

The teenager cut him off fiercely.

"You asked me. You told me to tell you everything. So here I am. And one more thing. I've been thinking lately that since I'm obviously such a lousy Apprentice, I may as well just get out of your life."

"Obi-Wan, you should have told me this before. I-"

"Would you have cared? You never seemed to care anything about me before."

"But I do care."

How could he not know? And yet the answer came to Qui-Gon easily- too easily. He saw now that h

 

NO don't throw this away, this is too good to being locked. Just because you start a bit of a commentary doesn't mean that it;s bad. This mean;s it;s good. Like Cyn said before, a great writer provides food for thought!

 

I don't think this is garbage at all, rather, I think it's an excellent look into the mind of our favorite padawan. I think that most of Obi's reactions to Qui are spot on, and I find it easy to relate too.

Please continue this. That cliff was a steep one.

 

I also think you've nailed the emotions that seethe around in the head of someone desperate enough to attempt suicide. In any such event, there is - there must be - a measure of anger, and your are expressing it perfectly. No matter how much he blames himself - as he obviously does - there must also be a measure of asking why nothing he does is ever enough, and why the man he is so devoted to is so harsh and unforgiving (from his perspective). I think you're doing a bang up job of examining all those confusing feelings.

CYN

 

This is good, o-w. I hope you continue.

 

*sniffle* I feel so bad for Obi - and I wish he would talk to Qui-Gon. While its understandable - reasonable, even - that he doesn't wish to, he won't heal until he deals with it. 'It' being Qui-Gon and his perceived relationship with him.

Please don't let those negative comments stop you from writing this story. If you don't want to write it, I understand, but don't let someone bully you into not writing or writing something else.

We're with you, and we want more.

 

That was nicely crafted, o-w. The anger and despair were spot on. I hope you can continue this.

 

That post was wonderful, obi-wannabe. You portrayed Obi, wanting to spill out his emotions and receive the love of his master, but holding out in fear, perfectly.

I love this story. Please continue.

 

Arwen: Thanks, I really appreciate the support.
JKH: Thanks! I'm really not sure if I'm handling stuff well in this fic so thanks for the encouragement.
Cynical: ^^^ See above. I'm running out of different ways to say thanks!
Cascadia: Oh continuing's not a problem. It's already finished and I just have to type it.
Obaona: Merci- thank you.
JS: Right well since it's finished I'm sort of stuck posting it. :-D
LuvEwan: . I have been discouraged by some opinions in the past---like that a sentence in my fic sounded a bit slash-like---and I didn't give up on my fic. Funny- I get those "slash like" comments every day- so much so that I'm immune to it now. THank you so much everyone!










"I am so sorry, Padawan. So very sorry. Hear me out. I do care about you. It's not always easy for me to show these things, but- I do. Very much. That's why I was so upset. You can't kill yourself, my Padawan. Where would I be without you?"

"Better off than you are now," Obi-Wan mumbled, staring at the floor.

"No, Obi-Wan, never. Don't even think it."

"How can I help but think it? You've never shown anything to suggest the opposite lately, Master. I never knew anything except that I can't seem to do anything right. And sometimes, it's just so hopeless that I don't see the point in trying. Sometimes I get so low I just can't bear the thought of living anymore."

This news was even more of a shock to Qui-Gon.

"How long has this been going on?"

Obi-Wan shrugged.

"A few months, maybe? I don't really know."

"You should have told me, Obi-Wan. I could have helped you sooner."

"If you really wanted to help me, you didn't have to hit me," the young man accused.

"No. That was wrong and I apologize. I reacted from shock and fear, my Padawan, and even though I had no intention of hurting you...." He let the thought go. Obi-Wan, howeverm still remained wary and unconvinced.

"Obi-Wan, what can I do that will prove to you that you're wrong, that I do care for you?"

His answer mirrored Qui-Gon's own thoughts.

"You could be a bit kinder to me. You could tell me when or if I do something right, and not just when I screw things up. Maybe you could even trust me from time to time."

"I do, Padawan. I trust you. Forgive me for being so hard on you. You should have told me so before. Truly, I did not know that I'd hurt you so." Am I a fool? How could I not see this? "I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. But on your part, I wish you'd trusted me enough to tell me sooner, Obi-Wan. And if you ever even think about committing suicide again I will- well." He'd been about to say I will kill you myself but somehow, that did not seem appropriate.

Obi-Wan grimaced.

"I'm sorry I did that, Master."

"Don't apologize. There's no need- you're not the one to blame. This is more my fault than yours and I intend to see to it that you're treated properly."

"I- don't need anything, Master."

"Obi-Wan, please, stop being so difficult. I discussed this with the healers before. It took me until now to realize that you've not been yourself lately, though I must have been blind not to see it sooner." He stroked the youth's hair. "You're going to be all right. I promise."

 

I really do love this fic and I'm glad you didn't trash it. More soon.

 

I'm glad to see more of this. I'm looking forward to seeing how their uneasy relationship developes on out. Please post more!

 

Great post. I'm glad that things seem to be getting better. *is happy about that*

More, please?

 

"It's always darkest before the dawn" -I forgot who


Great post, i can't wait to see how this goes for the boys

 

Another great post, as usual.

And why would you get slash comments? Your stories never brought that ugly topic to mind for me.

Again, sensational installment. This story is phenomenal.

 

Up!

 

MCK: Thanks.
Cascadia: Ooh. Well since this is the last post I don't think you'll see so much more. SOrry.
Obaona: Glad you're happy. And there's more (last bit) right now.
Arwen: Well, you don't get to see too much more of this.
LuvEwan: Well my friend always says that my fics are slashy. It may be one part having to edit and nine parts projection but I don't know, that's what she always says.






"Obi-Wan, please, stop being so difficult. I discussed this with the healers before. It took me until now to realize that you've not been yourself lately, though I must have been blind not to see it sooner." He stroked the youth's hair. "You're going to be all right. I promise."

Obi-Wan had tears in his eyes. All his pent-up pain and despair had begun to seep to the surface. He knew he should not cry- he was seventeen years old, not a child anymore- but it was so difficult to help it.

"Master? Forgive me for not being a better Apprentice to you."

"Don't say that," Qui-Gon insisted, pulling his Padawan into a fatherly embrace.

"But I've screwed everything up. Because of me you were wounded on Chad...."

"No. That was not your fault, Obi-Wan. I'm the one to blame here for being too hard on you."

For a while the only sound was that of Obi-Wan's strained breathing as he stared down at his hands and struggled against the tears that threatened to drown him. Qui-Gon held the teen close against his chest.

"It's all right, Padawan. Don't be ashamed to cry. Let it out. Never be afraid to have feelings."

"I don't want to embarrass you anymore than I already have."

"Obi-Wan, I'm not ashamed of you. Really. I'm proud of you."

A small sob shook the boy's slight form. Qui-Gon continued to hug him comfortingly. It was the first step either had taken to rebuilding the bond and trust between them in a long time.

"Master? I'm sorry I'm so much trouble for you." Obi-Wan said.

"I'm not worried about that. I just want you to be all right."

The teenager's face had lost its burning anger and desperation, but was still haunted and pain-filled. Qui-Gon knew it would take some time to heal the damage he'd unintentionally inflicted on his Padawan.

"Master, please don't make me go out and.. face everyone and have to tell them what happened just yet. I'm ashamed to have been in this situation. Please don't...."

The older man nodded.

"I understand. You won't have to go anywhere or do anything until you feel up to it." He hadn't appreciated how much he loved Obi-Wan until he'd almost lost him. But he would make it up to his Padawan.

"Forgive me for doing this to you. But if you can't bring yourself to do so, I'll understand."

"No, Master. I do forgive you. Of course. I could never not do so." He laid his head on Qui-Gon's hand and just stayed there, feeling at peace for a long while.








I hope the end was at least somewhat satisfying? This is not very good by my standards though, others of my fics are way better.

 

What are you talking about?! This was a beautiful, sweet, dark fic, and I absolutely loved it, as I do all you fics!!!

Satisfying ending, too.

 

I'm glad to see that it's gunna work out for them!

Thanks for sharing the story with us!

 

Oh, that was sweetly dark and satisfying.

It's good to see Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan with some peace again.

Great job!

 

IMHO: This is one of the best fics I've read by you. Honestly.

It was dark, angsty and had great characterisation. Wonderful job!

 

Awww. That was sad yet sweet. I think you nailed the emotions perfectly. I think this is among your better fics. Great job!

 

That was a great fic. A perfect ending. And it was a wonderful fic, and don't you dare think otherwise.

 

Why do/did you have such doubts about such a beautiful fic? It set off peoples emotions, was terribly realistic, and even started a debate! In my inexperienced knowledge I'd say that qualifies as a somewhat reasnoble fic!
*MM*

 

LE: Thanks. I was really worried about this one, it just seemed to dull and cliched by my standards not to mention mean to Qui.
JKH: So was I! And thank YOU guys for being so nice to me.
Cascadia: Thank you. I had to find some way to make this a happy ending though I am considering a bit of a sequel.
Arwen: Thanks. I wouldn't say it's my best I'm just glad to know it's OK.
Jess: Thanks!
MCK: OK. Thank you- I'll try to like this one!
MM: Thanks. Maybe this one isn't too bad but I still liked other things that I wrote better.

 

Considering a SEQUEL?! **dances around room**
Woohoo!Yay! Awesome!!! Ahhh!!!!

clears throat. *Ahem*

I suppose I wouldn't mind.



Go for it if you want to. You'll definitely have readers.