Before - Legends Check out my Story!

Hey Board-members. i'm a super noob, but i would love it if some of you guys could take the time to read my story!
Note: Riva and Gavin are original characters, and it's written in the form of a play. I'm really sorry if some of the things i'm making the already-established peeps (Obi Wan, Siri, Sei Taria) and such are out of character, but sometimes, strange things come into my head.

Jedi-Camp Chapter 1
4,333 words

Characters ?
Riva ? 16 ? Padawan/really close to being a Jedi Knight/somewhat cocky, friends with Gavin, Siri, and Obi Wan. She really likes Gavin, but doesn?t know how much he likes her.
Siri ? 14 ½ ? Padawan/about halfway toward becoming a Jedi Knight, kind of friends with Gavin, really good friends with Riva, and really likes Obi Wan, but is more distant from him than she would like.
Gavin ? 17 ? Jedi Knight/really cocky, and somewhat bastard-ish. Friends with Riva, Siri, Obi Wan, and Dray. Really likes Riva, but doesn?t know what she?d say if he asked her out. He?s also Gavin, so he?s hot.
Obi Wan ? Padawan/pretty close to being a Jedi Knight, kind of friends with Gavin, good friends with Siri and Riva, and not as cocky as the rest of them. He also really likes Siri, but is unsure of her feelings. He also is really into the technology: transponders, droids and starfighters.
Dray Rhysode ? 19 ? Dark Jedi/he quit when he was in the Korriban system, about a month away from his Jedi trials. He?s still friends with Gavin, and hasn?t contacted Gavin regularly since about six months ago. He hasn?t revealed his Sith-like inclinations to Gavin yet. Dray wears black Jedi clothes. He also works for the Empire. He?s hot too.
Aayla Secura ? 22 ? Aayla is having a vacation on her home planet of Ryloth, and her friends are coming to a grand dinner at the bar where she works. (it?s not clearly defined what she does there) She?s still really nice and helps Riva and Siri in getting Gavin and Obi Wan back. She?s also a famously bad Sabacc player.
Sei Taria ? 16 ? she is Dray?s consort, but she falls in love with Gavin. She has been trained at the Imperial Academy at Carida and Sullust, and she?s awesome. Gavin does not like her back, because they haven?t been in contact since they left the Jedi Academy. She takes his talking about his ?prostitute? friends the wrong way. She wears black Imperial clothes (but a bit sexier), with the awesome hat and has coppery-brown hair. She?s pretty hot. She?s also got that ?marching band? or ?Sergeant major? attitude of uniformity and beat down.
Ona Nobis ? 23 ? Bounty hunter, a contact of Dray?s. Gavin knows nothing of this correspondence.

Locations ?
Courscant ? Jedi Temple ? Scenes 1-3
Gavin?s Jedi Starfighter (red) ? Scenes 4, 5
Dray?s Sith Infiltrator ? Intermittent, mentioned in flashbacks
Ryloth ? Nightclub/Bar - ______________________ - Scenes 6-
Ryloth ? Detention Center - Scenes 6-
Gavin?s Jedi Starfighter (again) ?
Scene 1 ? Courtyard in the Jedi Temple
(has a fountain in the right hand corner, artistic rock/plant formations, sand gardens and a protocol droid-handled snack bar)

RIVA and GAVIN are walking together, nonchalantly diagonally through the courtyard (from up stage right to down stage left)

Gavin ? Yeah! So my aptitude test said that I?d be a great pilot! I guess it?s ?cause I?ve got such great aim! Watch!

GAVIN throws his deactivated lightsaber spiraling towards RIVA, then pulls it back with the Force

Riva ? Gaviiiin! (whiny) You know that I don?t like it when you do that! And besides, my aptitude test said that I?d be perfect to be a Jedi Knight!

OBI WAN runs up beside them. He?s panting (tired out from running) but is very pleased

Obi Wan ? Hey Riva, Gavin. (nods to acknowledge each) We?ve got to go to the Council briefing room. All of us and Siri are assigned to a very important mission.
Riva ? Awesome!
Gavin ? Let?s go!

They pause for a second, then the three of the run up right as the scene fades out

Scene 2 ? Jedi Council Briefing Room
(has 5 puffy red chairs around a circular table. They are all drinking

 

This is feedback about your play.
The title is... different. It attracted my attention, but you may want to have something more gripping. Include character names and 'romance, comedy, ext.' It will attract more attention. Also add 'OC' for original characters.
The format is more difficult to understand than the third person perspective. If you want more people to read it through, you should avoid play format and first person perspective. I made the same mistake on a fanfic and only got two replies for a story spanning dozens of pages.
As for the story itself, try to make the first few paragraphs as gripping as possible. This will make the reader want to see more. The plot, itself, is original, but it didn't exactly grab my attention. If you add another chapter, I'll keep reading.
Hope this helps.