Before - Legends Check, Please! (JA, humour Qui, Obi, Tahl, Bant...and a lot of madness!) UPDATED 12/13!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by BecJedi, Nov 23, 2003.

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  1. BecJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 27, 2003
    star 3
    Summary: A drunken Tahl, a caffeine-crazed Obi-Wan, a terrified Bant and Qui-Gon at his wits end. Can they survive a formal evening together?

    Note: Hey all, this is a humour fic by myself (BecJedi, obviously ;) ) and Charmisjess. Either one of us will post regular updates (every few days!). We?ve written different parts, so each post is a funky mixture of both our writing. Enjoy! :)


    ***

    Well?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked, his usually pale features flushing pink. "This is not a hard decision I would think!" he turned back to the two other Council members present, Yoda and Mace Windu, ill-disguised impatience in his voice.

    "No?" Yoda questioned, giving him a completely clueless look. "Not a hard decision, hmmm?"

    Mace turned. He'd been staring out the window for an hour now, but perked up as he heard Yoda speak. "You think this isn't a hard decision?" he asked, quickly trying to remember what they were even discussing in the first place.

    Ki-Adi sighed heavily. "No! That's what I just...!" he turned away trying hard to release his anger. We've got to meditate on everything! "We can simply send Jinn and Kenobi. It's not a hard job! They can do it! All that needs to be done is to go to the dinner and look like proper Jedi!" he shook his head. "They can do that can't they?"

    "NO!" Mace said, standing up quickly. "No they cannot! We must send someone else to meet with the Duke!"

    Yoda watched through sleepy eyes as Mace and Ki-Adi argued. A powerful Duke on one of the Inner Core worlds was about to donate a large sum of money to the Temple, but first wanted to meet with the Jedi about it. It was not an uncommon occurrence, a wealthy being wishing to leave his money to the Order to further peace and justice. And this process of choosing a Jedi team to send should have been easy.

    Yoda massaged his temples with a green finger. It had seemed so simple, so trivial really, just send Qui-Gon. He was a Master, with a mostly respectable padawan, a good friend of Yoda's and had been trained by the best. Plus he wasn't on a mission and wasn't in the midst of some training session. A perfect choice. But it seemed no one in the Temple could just leave it at that.

    "Furthermore he's...he's unorthodox! " Mace finished with drawing out the last word to make sure the other two Jedi heard it. "He and that apprentice of his... yes that Obi-Wan! They'd ruin it! We must send someone more qualified."

    Ki-Adi Mundi gave another sigh and glanced at the list of Jedi currently stationed in the Temple that would have their Friday evenings free. He flicked his eyes upward. "How about we send Lady Tahl?"

    Mace's eyes bulged. Yoda spoke before he could burst out. "Yes. Together we shall send them."

    Mace's mouth opened but all that came out were little gasps. He gestured wildly first at Ki-Adi Mundi and then to Yoda. The little Jedi waved him away with a hand. "Now, now, settled it is. Inform them you shall. Cold my hot wax is getting." With that remark he shuffled out.

    Ki-Adi-Mundi cocked an eyebrow at Yoda's retreating form. "WAX?"

    "They'll ruin us!" the dark-skinned Master blurted out, ignoring his fellow Jedi. "I went through training with those two. They-they aren't like the rest of us. Did you hear about when they skipped class that time and..."

    " 'That time' happened to be years ago Master Windu. They were ten!"

    "Ten or not they live in a twisted world where the rules of sane Jedi like us don't apply!" he urged, clutching at Ki-Adi's cloak. "Please! Come to your senses, friend! Its QUI-GON JINN AND TAHL!" he pleaded.

    "Good day Master Windu." Ki-Adi said breezily. He strode out without a back ward glance.

    Mace feel to his knees on the mosaic floor clutching at his bald head. No one ever listened to him, no one. He gave an anguished sigh and began to meditate. Friday was fast approaching.

    *********************************************************************

    The scream from the closed door made both Jedi jump.

    Tahl and Bant glanced at each other nervously, not sure whether to
  2. Bekah_K Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 3, 2002
    star 4
    LOL! [face_laugh] That was hilarious! Loved the caf/sugar high Obi!

    I've read this somewhere before - did you post at ffn?

    Can't wait for more! :D


    ~Bek
  3. dianethx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    This was cute. I always love an Obi-Wan who has a small problem with sugar - bouncing and generally causing trouble. And Qui-Gon with the wet hair...LOL.

    Good job. Looking forward to more!
  4. CrystalKenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 4
    If you meant to have us rolling on the floor with laughter you have succeed. [face_laugh]

    This is excellent. It was a good way to start my morning, except that I'm at work and they frown on rolling on the floor with laughter you know. :D


    You might want to post a warning.

    *Don't read at work, they frown on rolling on the floor with laughter.*

    I love the twist where you have the girls waiting on the guys.

    I also like how you have yoda and the wax and poor Mace.


  5. Xeana Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 9, 2003
    star 2

    Oh no!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]


    That was tottally funny!!!! [face_laugh]
  6. BecJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 27, 2003
    star 3
    Thanks everyone! :) Every review is greatly appreciated.

    Bekah_K: Yep, we posted on ff.net about a year ago...thought we'd revive it. :)

    dianethx: It gets worse. Obi, lots of singing and...you'll see. ;)

    CrystalKenobi: Don't read while at work...you know, that could be a rather amusing fic. ;) Thanks!

    Xeana: Happy you liked it. We aim to please. :D

    Charmisjess should post an update soon. :)
  7. Skywalker_Vader2be Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 25, 2003
    star 2
    Hey BecJedi!

    I read this months ago...really hilarious! Oh, and I love the part where Qui-Gon and...er...I shouldn't say it...would spoil the whole thing...I'll keep quiet now. For those of you who hadn't read this yet, brace yourself for a very funny moment!

    BecJedi-Know what I meant by "Qui-Gon and..."? ;)
  8. Jenny_The_Jedi_Girl Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 16, 2001
    star 4
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
  9. Keeper_of_Swords Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2003
    star 5
  10. BecJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 27, 2003
    star 3
    Hey, I'm happy everyone is enjoying it! :D Thank you so much for your reviews. :) Any feedback is welcome.

    Oh, and Skywalker_Vader2be, I know exactly what you're talking about, buddy. ;)

    Charmisjess will post the next part tomorrow. :)
  11. Jenny_The_Jedi_Girl Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 16, 2001
    star 4
    I went on the other site and read the whole thing, your storys are very funny and well written please write more.
  12. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    I'm terrified and rather wanting more. This is awesome!
  13. Charmisjess Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 3
    Tahl let out a great sigh, putting her comm back into her bag.

    ?What is it?? Qui-Gon asked.
    HELLO FOLKS!
    Charmisjess here, the co-writer of Check Please, bringing you an update, and the promise of crazier things to come! :D We hope you thoroughly enjoy this, and the next update should be sometime soon! Thanks to all the great reviewers! :)
    Jenny: :D haha, well, then you know much more insanity is in store!
    DarthIsh: It's a little frightening yes... lol. I can only say it gets worse... :D

    Without further ado...here's your update! TA-DA!




    ~*~
    ?Just got a message from the council. The Duke is getting impatient. We have twenty minutes to get there,? she replied, her beautiful face grave.

    Qui-Gon returned the look she gave him. They?d been walking from the temple, unable to find transport. ?We can?t possibly reach the Alderaan Palace in that time.?

    Bant tiptoed carefully over to the two concerned jedi. ?Ah, masters??

    ?We have to get there! You know what Mace will do to us if we don?t even turn up! He?s still bitter about that time we skipped class when we were ten, you know??

    Bant sighed. She was never good at this. She?d always been a very timid girl. ?Masters, Obi-Wan has??

    ?Yes, I know, I know! But Tahl, we don?t have any transport. And in your heels, sweetheart, you?re not gonna to run.?

    Tahl gave him a very hard look. ?Did you just call me ?sweetheart?, Qui-Gon??

    ?MASTERS!? Bant?s usually little voice bellowed. The two jumped in shock. They spun to face the little apprentice, frowning at her sudden scream. ?Obi-Wan has run off to find a speeder.?

    Qui-Gon?s head fell into his hands. ?Oh, no. We?ll never see him again.? The jedi glanced up at Bant. ?Is he still high??

    ?Ah?let?s just say, the last time I saw him he was chasing some birds and yelling ?come back, doggies?.?

    Qui-Gon buried his head back into his hands. ?Oh, no.?

    ?You know, I think something was in that coffee. I know Obi-Wan never drinks it, but this is insane.?

    Tahl butted it. ?Oh, he?s not that bad, Bant. I little silliness never hurt anyone.?

    ?HEY, LOOK AT ME! I?M SUPERJEDI! HEAR ME ROAR!?

    ?Then again??

    The three jedi glanced up at the sound of Obi-Wan?s booming voice. The young padawan came flying down in a white air taxi, swerving as he parked it just hovering above the ground. His hair was now blown back, attacked by the air at high speeds. His padawan braid was wrapped around his throat like a necklace. Whether this was accidental or not, they didn?t want to know.

    ?Get on board!? Obi-Wan said excitedly.

    ?*How* did you get this air taxi, Obi-Wan?? Qui-Gon suspiciously.

    Obi-Wan smiled, looking at Qui-Gon with a blank look that told him he wasn?t going to get an answer. ?Get on board!?

    ?But how did you??

    ?Okay, okay! I borrowed it from a nice, happy, generous guy.?

    ?Are you??

    ?So I plucked the taxi driver and some big shot senate dude out of the vehicle. I put them down safely!?

    ?What??

    ?FINEEE! I threatened them with my lightsabre! And the senator wasn?t really a senator, more like a lady in labour.?

    ?Pada??

    ?And dropped them off at some lower level of Coruscant! BIG deal! Like *you?ve* never done anything bad, have you my maverick master?!?

    ?OBI-WAN!?

    ?Shut up, Qui-Gon, and just get on board!? Tahl snapped, shoving the larger jedi into the transport. Bant jumped into the passenger seat beside Obi-Wan as the master?s shared the back seat.

    ?Wait, why are we letting Obi-Wan drive??

    Qui-Gon?s question was not answered. Obi-Wan ?stepped on it?, zooming down the hectic air traffic lanes like a person possessed. He let out a great ?YEAH, BABY!? as the sudden, violent rush of air pushed the other three back into the seats.

    ?Slow down, Obi-Wan! You?re messing up my hair!? Qui-Gon screamed over the sound of the howling wind. But Obi-Wan was paying no attention to his master. His eyes straight right ahead of him, his hands still shaking.

    ?YEAH! Yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeah! Yeah?speed?he, he, he?breakneck speed?SPEED, YEAH! GET OUT OF MY WAY
  14. CrystalKenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2003
    star 4
    Duct tape. Love it. Poor Obiwan telling Tahl all of QG's secrets about liking her.
    Poor Bant, I bet she did not know that Obiwan liked her. :D

    I have to remember this speeder scene the next time I watch ATOC's speeder scene when Obiwan tells Anakin that what he is doing is sucide.

    This whole post was funny. Loved it

  15. Skywalker_Vader2be Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 25, 2003
    star 2
    Okay, I seriously had to hold on to my chair when I was reading this. Haven't read it in awhile. Brings back funny moments... :D
  16. dianethx Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    This was funny. Poor Qui-Gon has finally lost it! Duct tape! And Obi-Wan must have learned to hate flying during this time!!!

    Very good!
  17. BecJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 27, 2003
    star 3
    Great! I'm happy you're all liking it! :D These reviews are so nice...I could cry. :_|

    CrystalKenobi: Well, the 'issues' with Qui-Gon and Tahl will only get worse (as the law of the universe dictates ;) ). Sure, it's bad for them, but it's funny for us, right?! ;)

    Skywalker_Vader2be: It is so good to know that it can be read a second time and still be funny. :) Thanks for re-reading!

    dianethx: The duct tape theory was created by the genius that is Charmisjess. As for the speeder scene...yes, I do think we managed to ruin that part of AOTC. But at least we know the history behind Obi-Wan's fear of flying! :D You can just see him turning to Anakin one day:

    "You think I don't know what you're up to, you crazy little punk? Well, I do! You know how?! I WAS A CRAZY, COFFEE-ED UP KID LIKE YOU ONCE!"
    "Master, can I have my decaf back, please...I know this stuff has no caffine, but the healers still said it was bad for your-"
    "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M HAVING THE PEPPER STEAK AND THAT'S FINAL!"
    *Ani calls Bant* "He's going crazy again."
    "Just don't let him sing, Ani-"
    "Oh by the force!! He's going for the RADIO!"
    "Stop him, Ani! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"
    *2 seconds later, Kenobi's voice can be heard...* "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY TUNIC!"

    ;)

    Sorry, lost my mind a little there. No, I surrended to the moment. :D I guess the last bit is a hint of what is to come.

    The next part should be posted tomorrow by me. :)
  18. Skywalker_Vader2be Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 25, 2003
    star 2
    *2 seconds later, Kenobi's voice can be heard...* "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY TUNIC!"

    LOL! :D
  19. Xeana Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 9, 2003
    star 2

    He lost it. ?THE FORCE IS LIKE DUCT TAPE!? he couldn?t contain himself any longer. ?It has a light side, a dark side and it holds the galaxy together!? He leaned back, smiling at his own pun. Everyone was staring. He dropped his head onto his arm and began to laugh insanely.

    Tahl?s jaw dropped. ?Qui-Gon? Qui-Gon? Are you all right?? she shook his arm, but he continued to laugh.

    The Duke stared dumbstruck at the hysterical Jedi. ?What is duct tape??



    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Oh Sith, that was halarious!!!!!!! The stuff is sooooo funny!!
  20. BecJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 27, 2003
    star 3
    Authors note for Part 3: Well, it gets a little hairy in this part. Charmisjess and I duck behind our flame-proof vests and hold up signs declaring, "It's humour, it's supposed to be crazy!" Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it! :D

    ***

    The Duke stared dumbstruck at the hysterical Jedi. "What is duct tape?"

    "It's what Qui-Gon wraps around my mouth when I won't shut up," Obi-Wan replied stupidly, his eyes wide like a puppy.

    Qui-Gon snapped his head around to the younger jedi, the stupid laughter vanishing as if it had never been. "It is not! But if you don't shut it now, it could be arranged, you litte-"

    "Oh, wonderful, our meals are here!" Bant interrupted, her voice sickly sweet as the waiters served the food. Everyone tucked in, the conversation somewhat lacking. Tahl, however, didn't even look at her meal. She was too busy ordering a third glass of wine.

    Alexander shook his head at the jedi. What a disgrace. He didn't even need to try and ruin their chances of getting his father's money. The jedi were doing a brilliant job by themselves.

    "PUH! THIS IS THE GROSSEST LUMP OF CRAP I'VE EVER TASTED!"

    Alexander wiped the piece of steak Obi-Wan had so tactfully spat out off his face. Yes, the jedi were doing brilliantly.

    "Is there a problem, sir?" The waiter who seemed unable to leave Obi-Wan's side asked dryly.

    Obi-Wan spun dramatically in his chair to face the pompous waiter. "Dude, this is wrong! I mean, I wouldn't eat this if it was wrapped in pastry and deep dried in some kind of chocolate-based cooking lard! I wouldn't even give this to my dog! Sure, I don't have a dog but Qui-Gon always brings home there pathetic lifeforms and I wouldn't even feed it to them even though I hate them because they steal Qui-Gon's love and affection which he denies me of anyway, not that I'm batting for that side, but is a little goodnight kiss every now and then too much to ask-"

    "FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, JUST BREATHE, YOU STUPID JEDI!" Alexander screamed, jumping out of his chair, veins pulsating from his head.

    There was silence. The Duke looked disapprovingly at his son. Alexander sat down and sulked, glaring angrily at the jedi he'd just bellowed at. Obi-Wan only grinned as he bounced in his chair, unable to contain his excitement in the anticipation to see what the waiter would bring him next. Qui-Gon continued to try and talk to the Duke as Tahl swigged her sixth glass. Bant just sat in silence. Alexander saw that by making himself look bad, he'd made the jedi look good. And so did the sugar high padawan.

    "Hey, Alexy! Jedi-1. Scum son-0! And his coming up to bat! SWING! Batttter, batter, batter, batter SWING!!"

    Alexander just sneered at the jedi. Obi-Wan giggled girlishly and continued to bounce. Bant put her hand on his head to try and make him stop, only to have her hand covered with the goo in his hair. She sighed and retreated to the bathroom. But, of course, Obi-Wan was not put off by Bant sudden departure or the glare he was getting from the Duke's son. He'd just grabbed the candle in the middle of the table and started waving it slowly from side to side, a dazed, almost enlightened, smile on his face.

    "Siiiiiilent niiiiiiiight. Hooooooooooly niiiiiiiiiight."

    Qui-Gon and the Duke stopped talking as Obi-Wan began to sing 'Silent Night'. Qui-Gon shook his head as the boy attempted to reach the high notes. He'd heard Obi-Wan sing in the shower. The world should not have such a fate bestowed upon it. "Force, have mercy."

    "SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP IN HEAAAAAVENLYYYY PEEEEEEEAAAACE! SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP IN HEAAAAAVENLYYY PEEEEEEEEEACE!"

    Qui-Gon stood up suddenly, pointing at Obi-Wan from across the table. "That's it, young man, you are going to the speeder, NOW!"

    "AWWWWWWWWWAY IN A MANGER!"

    "Padawan, I will not tell you again! Shut up and get out! This behavior will not be tolerated."

    Qui-Gon trailed off as he felt a hand on this thigh. He looked down slowly to find Tahl's seductive eyes right on him. It was her hand so cheekily creeping up to his.

    "TAHL! WHAT, B
  21. Jenny_The_Jedi_Girl Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 16, 2001
    star 4
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
  22. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    O mi querida Fuerza! No voy a hablar en ingles porque empezare a reir tanto que no me podria mantener! (O my dear Force! I'm not going to speak in English because I'll start laughing so much that I won't be able to maintain myself!) THAT WAS SO FUNNY!
  23. Bekah_K Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 3, 2002
    star 4
    ?THE FORCE IS LIKE DUCT TAPE!? he couldn?t contain himself any longer. ?It has a light side, a dark side and it holds the galaxy together!?

    ROFLMAO! [face_laugh] That was great!


    ~Bek
  24. Keeper_of_Swords Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2003
    star 5
    Sure, I don't have a dog but Qui-Gon always brings home there pathetic lifeforms and I wouldn't even feed it to them even though I hate them because they steal Qui-Gon's love and affection which he denies me of anyway, not that I'm batting for that side, but is a little goodnight kiss every now and then too much to ask-" [face_laugh]

  25. Xeana Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 9, 2003
    star 2

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
    Oh my gosh!!!!!!! :D I can't breath! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] How could this get funnier?

    My fave parts: The whole thing!

    [face_laugh]
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