Niagara, ON Christmas Humour - Laugh it up Fuzz-Balls!!!

The boards have been WAY too quiet these days!!! Where is Han when you need him???
Hope these aren't offensive.....hurry up and outdo me...I need a good laugh!!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa




Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and
I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and pinching the cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake,like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa




Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your a$$ kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa



And how about this????
Tag found on most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only"...DUH!!!!!

 

I'm not offeneded, those where funny!
Santa making low budget porno
That's just downright scary!

 

Ouch. That's a scary thought. It reminds me of the time when a flask fell from Santa's coat when I saw him downtown. He kept saying I was a really good little boy... On second thought, I might not want to tell the rest.

 

Here's one I heard from Chris:


A little girl is sitting on Santa's lap

SANTA: What do you want, little girl?

GIRl: I want a Barbie and a GI Joe

SANTA: Why a GI Joe? Barbie is supposed to come with Ken.

GIRL: No, Barbie only fakes it with Ken.

 

Here's a little something I got in my email from Dreamweaver:

On the Table

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.


Yeah, right, a turkey...

 

Here's one I saw a comedian say:

There was this really religious Italian (actually, they don't need to be Italian, but the guy said they were Italian) family. Because the mother didn't want false idolism, and didn't want the children to be left out a Christmas, she said that Jesus was the one who brought the gifts on Christmas morning, not Santa. Anyway, the child tells the mother "I want a Sega Genesis (as you can tell, this joke is out of date) for Christmas". The mother told him that he must write a letter to baby Jesus asking what he wants, and what he will do in return. The boy starts:
"Dear baby Jesus. If you give me a Sega Genesis for Christmas, I will be good all year". He thought about that, and realized it was impossible. So he started again:
"Dear baby Jesus. If you give me a Sega Genesis for Christmas, I will be good 6 months of the year". Realizing this was also an impossible goal for him, he scratched it out. In despair, he looked around. He found his mother's statue of the Vigin Mary, and hid it in his closet. He began writing again:
"Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again, SEGA!"

LOL I always crack up when I hear that one...

 

lol, i love xmas jokes

 

Unfortunately I couldn't find any "T'was The Night Before Christmas - Star Wars Style", so this will have to do for now........



A Visit from ST. NICHOLAS: Star Trek - The Next Generation


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;

The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
in hopes that no aliens would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);

And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a nice face to face...

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt form our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.

The bridge Red Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.

When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped to the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf! and Jean-Luc!
It's Gordi! and Wesly, the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge! To the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling our bodies then flew,
As the captain called out, "What the...is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And snapping his fingers, he vanished agian.

As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.

"That's enough!" cried the captan, "You'll stop this at Once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
"I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack,
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."

He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

"For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylonol-Beta for all of your pain.

For Worf I've some mints as his breath is not too great,
And for Geordi Laforge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data a Joke Book, for Riker, a truss.

For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"


One of you creative people should write a Star Wars version....I'll bet it would be hilarious.....anybody game???

 

*ahem* If you listen to the Christmas in the Stars album there is a Star Wars version of Twas the Night before Christmas. I'll try to find it...

 

Yay, Nick!!! Find it!! Post it!!

Here's something else I found while you're looking.....

Why the Angel is on Top of the Tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

OUCH!!!! I got more.........