Beyond - Legends Comatose (Raynar, J/Z, post-DN, angst and woe!) Update 1/22!

Ok, dudes, this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time! I actually started this fic a year ago, got halfway through, got writers blcok and stopped until the other day when I randomly finished it. But anywho, between the way we were just left hanging there at the end of TSW, and the little blurbs about Rayner that have been popping up in LOTF (Which never fail to amuse me) I just thought it would be fun to play around with his recovery. Cause, seriously, this boy's got some issues! It's a relativly short fic, only a few chapters, but hope you like it!

Setting: Begins immediatly after TSW, stretches through LOTF
Disclaimer: The song I used as a title, and as verses at the begining of each update is Cometose by Pearl Jam, and if you haven't heard it, I totally recomend you go hunt it down because it's cool, yo!

Ok, let's get this party started!

*****

Consider me an object. Put me in a vacuum.
Free of all conditions. Free of air and friction.

Yeah, I'll be hanging upside down and there I will swing, for all eternity

Feel it rising, yeah next stop falling
Feel it rising, comatose, with no fear of falling

Consider me an abscess. Leave me in a vacuum.
Blood on all the pistons. Running my transmission

Feel it rising, yeah next stop falling
Feel it rising, comatose, with no fear of falling

High above, I'll break the law, if it's illegal to be in love, leave the hatred on the cross.

Yeah, I'll be hanging upside down, and there I will swing.
For all eternity

Feel it rising, yeah next stop falling
Feel it rising, comatose, with no fear of falling

Feel it rising, yeah next stop falling
Feel it rising

Something never thought you'd be a part of.

Comatose, by Pearl Jam

 

Verse 1

Consider me an object. Put me in a vacuum.
Free of all conditions. Free of air and friction.

Yeah, I'll be hanging upside down and there I will swing, for all eternity

*****

The room was, at first glance, just like any of the other ones in the Jedi Academy medical center. White walls and floor so bright and clean they seemed almost to glow, neatly organized supplies, and various machines connected by tubes or wire to whatever they were supposed to monitor. Upon closer inspection, however, several things stood out from what was general considered normal hospital content. One was the equipment connected to the patient; a brain mapper and dazer hood, among others. Almost none of the computer screens in the room displayed medical data; most monitored brain activity in some form or other.

The second dissimilarity was the patient himself. It was obvious that the young man had not always had access to such sophisticated medical care; his skin was a hard, twisted surface of old burn scars, what remained of his face reduced to a hideously melted mass. His right arm, which ended abruptly at the halfway through his forearm, was encased in a bacta cast, while his left hand had been reduced to an almost finger-less claw by the fire that had caused the rest of the burns. Aside from the amputated arm, no other recent injuries were apparent. A few cuts and bruises, but nothing serious. Nothing to explain the array of equipment attached to his still body.

Danni Quee leaned forward to study a monitor connected to the dazer whose display had show a sudden mental spike, pushing a blond curl that had escaped the sensible knot at the back of her head out of her face as she did. She eyed it for a moment before making a few quick notes on the datapad she held, then sat back in her chair with a quiet little sigh. Cilghal had designed the dazer as a way to deal with the Killiks during the fighting. It sent out a signal that temporarily cut them off from their Nest, forcing Joiners to become individuals, at least for a few moments. The devise had been easy enough to alter, creating the hood that encased the creature that had once, long ago, been Raynar Thul and blocking any and all attempts he made to communicate with the Colony.

The door behind her hissed smoothly open, and Danni twisted in her seat to offer a smile of greeting to Cilghal as she entered the room. ?Any change?? The Mon Calamari healer asked, her large eyes glancing professionally at the unconscious patient.

Danni nodded, the movement causing the rebellious curl to swing back down into her face. ?He?s trying to make contact with the Killiks less often. Not by much I?m afraid, but there is a noticeable difference.?

?Good.? Cilghal said calmly. ?I don?t want to keep him in a trance any longer than is necessary.?

The scientist made a noise of agreement. Raynar had been unconscious when Master Skywalker had brought him back to Coruscant over a week ago, and had been in a healing trance since. Both Cilghal and Danni ? who had accepted the invitation to help despite having recently decided to leave the Jedi Order ? had agreed that it would be best to keep him that way until his mental link with the Killiks had been full severed. Awake he might have been capable of fighting off their efforts to help, might have been able to retain the connection despite the dazers. As it was they simply had to deal with his continued, automatic attempts to reach the Colony. At first the dazers had been working almost constantly, but now slowly lengthening gaps were appearing between each attempt.

?How?s his arm doing?? She asked, glancing up from the datapad again as Cilghal checked the cast.

?The healing should be complete in a day or two.? The healer replied as she turned her attention to the cuts and bruises that decorated Raynar?s burned skin. ?I?m more worried about his mind, however, than any of his physical injuries.?

Danni could only nod in silent, concerned agreement, her green eyes lingering pensively on the still form. She had seen a

 

I smell a Pearl Jam songfic!

A good story here with a lot of great details. I loved the opening scene showing Raynar's physical condition, and then remind the readers that the real damage is in his mind. Good job on this so far.

 

Well, who am I to resist the call of ANGST and WOE? Great start, Lusa! I like the way you've incorporated Cilghal and Danni, and the premise is very promising.

 

Oh, hell yeah When I saw the title, I was hoping it would be a Pearl Jam songfic Great song

And I really like the premise for the story. We've seen so few fics that talk about Raynar since the Dark Nest trilogy, I'm really glad to see someone touching on it. I loved all the descriptions of Raynar and what's going on. Can't wait for more Can you PM me when you update?

 

Interesting.

Can't wait to see Jaina and Zekk.

Keep it up.

 

whiskers

I smell a Pearl Jam songfic!

My favorite flavor!

Thanks! I feel so bad for the poor little guy, all messed up that he is!

JoE

Well, who am I to resist the call of ANGST and WOE?

That is because You + Me + Angst and Woe = Awesome!

YodaKenobi

Oh, hell yeah hypnotized When I saw the title, I was hoping it would be a Pearl Jam songfic grin Great song

Dude, I know, right? I love it so much!

And, yeah, I've always thought this was a situation that could be so fun to write about and yet no one had done it yes! And I'll shoot a PM your way, never fear!

Furyan_Jedi_13

Thanks! They should show up in a chapter or two, never fear!

 

Ok, I know it's short but after this one they start getting longer, promise!

Also, IF YOU WANT TO BE ON THE PM LIST LEMME KNOW!

*****

Verse 2

Feel it rising, yeah next stop falling
Feel it rising, comatose, with no fear of falling

*****

Raynar blinked his icy eyes open, then snapped them shut again, momentarily blinded by the bright lights of the medical center. Wincing involuntarily, he raised his right arm to shield them, then froze as it slid by his head without making contact. Opening his eyes again and blinking a few times against the harsh glare, he stared uncomprehendingly at the stump where his forearm ended. After a long, horrified moment, memory came creeping back of his duel with Luke and of his injury. Of surrendering and being brought back here. Of spending Force knew how much time since then floating in silent, lonely blackness punctuated by strange flashes of pain, followed by more emptiness.

Slowly, hesitantly he reached out for the Colony, only to feel...nothing. The link was broken. His mind, which had been filled with the thoughts and feelings of thousands of beings for nearly a decade, was suddenly empty.

He could not have found words to express what he was feeling if he had tried. The dark, horrible, crushing loneliness seemed to explode outward, consuming every part of his being until he could not think of or feel anything else. He let out a cry that did not sound human even to his own ears, wrapping his arms tightly around himself as he collapsed into a shuddering, sobbing ball of agony.

He reached out again in blind, mindless panic, his mind groping frantically for any trace of the Colony, desperate to find it and growing only more frantic as his mental search yielded nothing. It felt as though every positive emotion and experience had been ripped out of his body, leaving behind jagged edges and more pain than he knew how to describe. It was like the Crash all over again, except this time it was his mind that was being destroyed, his heart that was being burned away, not his body.

He was shaking so hard he could barely breathe, too shocked and lost even for tears. A second hoarse scream choked in his throat, sounding even harsher and more desperate than the first one had. He clutched his head with his remaining hand, feeling as though his mind was ripping itself apart.

His chocking gasps for air covered the sound of the door opening and the soothing, concerned voices. A light hand touched his shoulder and he jerked away with a cry, tumbling off the bed in a tangled mess of sheets. He tried to push himself up but forgot about his newly amputated arm and toppled back over, staring at it uncomprehendingly for the instant before more fingers touched his temple, bringing a silent blanket of black unconsciousness.

 

Dude, I forgot about MMM and this got completly buried, so I'm bumping it!

 

Excellent scene of Raynar regaining consciousness and feeling absolutely nothing. Great job!

 

Whiskers

Why thank you! Poor little Raynar!

 

Verse 3

Consider me an abscess. Leave me in a vacuum.
Blood on all the pistons. Running my transmission

*****

Raynar did not know how much time he spent floating in dark unconsciousness that was anything but peaceful. He did not bother trying to convince himself it had been a dream; even his twisted, shattered mind could not have created such a nightmare. He fought the transition to wakefulness, struggling to remain sheltered in the blackness that at least offered some shelter from reality. It slipped through his fingers as easily as all his other hopes and dreams always had, though, and all too soon his eyes fluttered open, forcing him back to reality.

He lay still for a long moment, fighting to breath. He felt fragile enough to shatter if he so much as moved. Intellectually he could comprehend what had happened to him, could even accept that this had been his choice, but his emotions were another matter entirely. He had no way to express how he felt. It was as if everything that had ever mattered in his life was suddenly gone, leaving him an empty, meaningless shell.

He bit his lip, resolutely chocking back tears. It was the same crippling grief that had attacked him after his father?s death, after Lusa?s, after Eryl?s, but a thousand times worse. This time it was an uncountable number of people he had loved and cared for who had been taken away from him. It was not the loss of his power over them and their minds he missed; it was the Killiks and Joiners themselves, the people he had taught compassion and caring to, the beings who had taken him in when the Jedi had given him up for dead, not even bothering to search. They had been the loving, accepting family he had never had, the people who had been willing to take him for who he was, regardless of his all too numerous faults, and give him a home and a life, had finally provided him with a reason to live and responsibilities that no one had ever trusted him with before no matter how often he tried to prove himself. And it was that love that had been used against him in the end, forcing him to abandon the Killiks in order to save them, convincing him to sacrifice everything he had found so that they could survive.

He slammed his remaining hand against the bed in helpless frustration. The spoiled, whiny youth he had been had died long ago, burnt alive in the fires of the Crash, but he could not suppress the thought that this was not fair, that he was tired of always loosing the ones he loved, that he had never asked to become the UnuThul, that it had not been his fault. Yet again, he had failed because he simply was not good enough. People had died, and those deaths had been his fault. All he had ever tried to do was the right thing, the things a Jedi was supposed to do; he had taught a species that had no concept of individuality how to care, had tried to make their lives better. And this was where it had gotten him; shut away in a medical center, out of his mind with pain and grief, considered a villain by the people who had once, so long ago, been his friends.

He could not count the number of times Master Skywalker had repeated Yoda?s words, telling the Jedi that there was no ?try?. If that was accepted as truth, then every one of his actions had been a miserable failure, not an attempt to make the galaxy a better place. He had never been good enough, had always let the people he cared about down.

He had never felt anything like the hatred and self-loathing that flooded through him. Contempt for all the mistakes he had made, for being too weak to let go of the Killiks, for the way he wanted to just give up, to stop feeling all this pain. It was the same way he had felt a thousand times in the past, when he had disappointed his parents, or had been unable to master simple Force techniques that took the other Jedi trainees mere minutes to perfect. Even worse was the blinding mental agony that continued to rip through his brain, replacing the millions of thoughts and feelings that had filled his mind for almost

 

Sorry I'm so late

He could not have found words to express what he was feeling if he had tried. The dark, horrible, crushing loneliness seemed to explode outward, consuming every part of his being until he could not think of or feel anything else. He let out a cry that did not sound human even to his own ears, wrapping his arms tightly around himself as he collapsed into a shuddering, sobbing ball of agony.

Love the descriptions here. You can really feel Raynar's anguish

He reached out again in blind, mindless panic, his mind groping frantically for any trace of the Colony, desperate to find it and growing only more frantic as his mental search yielded nothing. It felt as though every positive emotion and experience had been ripped out of his body, leaving behind jagged edges and more pain than he knew how to describe. It was like the Crash all over again, except this time it was his mind that was being destroyed, his heart that was being burned away, not his body.

From the way it was described in Betrayal, it really does seem like what the Jedi are doing to him isn't right.

Raynar did not know how much time he spent floating in dark unconsciousness that was anything but peaceful. He did not bother trying to convince himself it had been a dream; even his twisted, shattered mind could not have created such a nightmare. He fought the transition to wakefulness, struggling to remain sheltered in the blackness that at least offered some shelter from reality. It slipped through his fingers as easily as all his other hopes and dreams always had, though, and all too soon his eyes fluttered open, forcing him back to reality.

This is starting to remind me of Traitor: Raynar Thul style We have a broken Raynar essentially being tortured (even if it's not what the Jedi intend) in order to change him.

He bit his lip, resolutely chocking back tears. It was the same crippling grief that had attacked him after his father?s death, after Lusa?s, after Eryl?s, but a thousand times worse. This time it was an uncountable number of people he had loved and cared for who had been taken away from him. It was not the loss of his power over them and their minds he missed; it was the Killiks and Joiners themselves, the people he had taught compassion and caring to, the beings who had taken him in when the Jedi had given him up for dead, not even bothering to search. They had been the loving, accepting family he had never had, the people who had been willing to take him for who he was, regardless of his all too numerous faults, and give him a home and a life, had finally provided him with a reason to live and responsibilities that no one had ever trusted him with before no matter how often he tried to prove himself. And it was that love that had been used against him in the end, forcing him to abandon the Killiks in order to save them, convincing him to sacrifice everything he had found so that they could survive.

I really liked that he remembered his family and friends here with grief. Unu Thul seemed to think Raynar was dead in that way, and I think it's a good sign that Raynar can remember and feel something for people like Eryl again.

Somehow he managed to find the strength to raise the blade with the Force once more, flipping it clumsily before slashing it decisively across his remaining wrist. The brief flash of pain was nothing compared to the anguish flooding through his mind. He barely noticed it, hardly registered the blood streaming across the pristine sheets of the medical bed.

Wow, I didn't see that coming!

Great posts, Lusa I'm really enjoying this story. It's very dark and original

 

YodaKenobi

Yay new reader! Confetti and stuff!

From the way it was described in Betrayal, it really does seem like what the Jedi are doing to him isn't right.

Totally agree. I was just like, dude, if it's been 5 years and he's still there something isn't workin' here!

This is starting to remind me of Traitor: Raynar Thul style thinking We have a broken Raynar essentially being tortured (even if it's not what the Jedi intend) in order to change him.

Hmm, good point! In a way, it really is, except that Jacen is, and always has been, a lot stronger than Raynar, so you're going to get a pretty different outcome!

 

PMs when I get back!

*****

Verse 4

Feel it rising, yeah next stop falling
Feel it rising, comatose, with no fear of falling

High above, I'll break the law, if it's illegal to be in love, leave the hatred on the cross.

*****

Blinking in the harsh light of the glowpanels, Raynar stared numbly at the ceiling, wishing with all his might that there were some way to block out the painfully empty expanse that filled his mind that penetrated even the deepest reaches of unconsciousness. It was just so hard to think, to feel anything else except the incredible, all-encompassing loneliness.

?You?re finally awake, I see.? A calm voice observed from somewhere to his left. ?How are you feeling, Raynar??

It took him a moment to realize someone was speaking. More long seconds passed before he finally understood they were speaking to him. He had been UnuThul for so long that his own name sounded like that of a stranger. Moreover, having to actually speak to someone to communicate with them was almost a foreign concept; he was so used to being able to instantly convey his thoughts it took even more time for his mind to remember how to respond.

"We're-" He started, then choked on the word, realizing he could not use it anymore. Because it was just him now. No one else. He almost screamed at the thought. Instead he swallowed the cry with a gasping breath, and tried to speak again, using a word he had almost forgotten, "I'm alone!" He whispered, his voice nothing more than a desperate sob in the night.

He tried to add something else, but failed. After all, what more was there to say? Instead he simply lay there shivering and feeling lost.

Danni Quee?s face swam into view, wearing a slightly sympathetic expression. ?Yes, we had to use dazers to break your connection with the Killiks.? She said, as if that explained it all, would somehow make everything better.

She doesn't understand. Raynar though, suddenly feeling infinitely weary. She can't closed his eyes again, fighting back tears at the sudden, cold realization that this was what the rest of his life would be; this empty stretch of lonely darkness that was his mind, and the uncomprehending sympathy and pity of others.

His gaze slid down to the neat, white bandage that encircled his wrist. In a way it reminded him of Danni and whoever else was keeping him here, thinking that things could simply be patched up and covered as though nothing was wrong, as though they would heal in no time, no matter how serious. For healers, they had a lot to learn about pain, he reflected bitterly.

?Why did you stop us-? He choked to a halt, swallowing hard before correcting himself. ?me? Why didn?t you let me do it??

?It wasn?t just me.? The scientist replied, not looking up from the rapid notes she was making on her datapad. ?Cilghal helped was well. You?ll thank us for it once you?ve had a chance to heal a little more. It?s understandable you should be feeling upset now, and not thinking things through.?

Raynar stared at her for a long moment, feeling the utter despair that was becoming his constant companion flood through him once more. She had not answered. Not only that, she had shrugged the question off, sounding as though she her brushing away an inquiry made by an overcurious child. To her this was not a matter of life and death, of finding a way to hold on to the last shreds of sanity that fluttered like torn banners through his mind. For Danni, this was just another problem, something to be studied, understood, and fixed, simple as that. She did not understand that sometimes there were things that just could not be repaired, that sometimes things could not go back to normal, back to the way they had been before.

He turned away from her, closing his eyes tightly and fighting back tears as he tried to shut out the screaming inside his head.

 

You know, I realized I stopped posting because no one was reading, which is so totlly not the point of writing and, like, selling out and stuff! So I'm gonna stick it to The Man and post anyways even if no one reads it! Bite me!

Man, that felt good!

*****

Verse 5

Yeah, I'll be hanging upside down, and there I will swing.
For all eternity

*****

It was strange how torn he felt, Raynar reflected, as he glanced up at the sound of the door hissing open. He hated the company of the overly sympathetic and understanding healers and scientists who could not seem to comprehend anything of what he was going through, and yet at the same time the horrible, crushing loneliness that filled his soul was so intense that he would have done anything for some sort of contact, some reassurance that he was not completely alone.

Cilghal was wearing what he had come to think of as her Serious Face, the expression she wore when she came to try to have helpful discussions about his condition and how he felt, rather than the one she usually donned when simply checking his recently healed arm.

?How are you feeling today, Raynar?? She asked calmly. It was the way she always started these talks. Even insanity was beginning to have an established routine, he reflected bitterly.

He did not answer ? he rarely did- simply looked away, staring numbly at the sterile white walls.

She allowed the silence to stretch on for a moment before continuing. ?I wanted to talk to you about the possibility of reconstructive surgery.? The healer began, ignoring his blank, disinterested gaze. ?I would have brought it up earlier, but I thought you deserved time to adjust, first, before making such a drastic change. You?ve been here almost three months now, and we all feel that you?re improving greatly, so I thought it might be a good time to bring up the option of repairing the damage done by the fire. It will be difficult, but I?ve spoken to some of the best plastic surgeons in the galaxy, and they all say it?s possible to recreate your appearance, as well as provide prosthetics.? She added, glancing from his amputated arm to the twisted claw of his remaining hand.

Raynar followed her glance, staring at the warped fingers for a long moment, clenching them tightly as he tried to gain control of his temper. When he finally looked up his eyes were no longer the frozen, lifeless blue of glacial ice that they had been, but flashed angrily, the first emotion he had shown since she had arrived.

?You people just don?t get it, do you?? He demanded, feeling more like the UnuThul than he had since he had arrived. ?You can?t fix us. You can?t fix me! You can?t just erase this,? He gestured angrily at his ruined face. ?And pretend it never happened. I can?t go back to normal. I can?t go back to being Raynar! He died a long time ago, and none of your stupid excuses or pretences is going to bring him back. And now the UnuThul is dead, too. Changing my face isn?t going to make one disappear and bring the other back to life. I?m no one, nothing, and I?m tired of starting over. I don?t want to do this anymore! I just want to make everything stop, but you won?t let me, damn you! You?re supposed to be a healer! Why the kriff are you making it worse? Do you think I want to look in the mirror and see Raynar?s face on the monster I?ve become? He would never have done any of the things I did as the UnuThul, and bringing back his appearance isn?t going to magically take away my guilt, alright?? He demanded, raising what remained of his right arm, forcing her to look at it. ?I can?t just erase this and pretend it never happened, that I never started a war and fought against my friends and ruined so many lives. It doesn?t work that way, and neither will the rest of what you call healing. You can?t fix this,? He snarled, gesturing sharply towards his head. ?So just stop trying! Just leave me alone!?

The Mon Calamarian gazed sadly at him for a long moment, her face sorrowful. Finally she nodded, standing gracefully and

 

....
This is possibly the first time I ever really gave a crap about Raynar.
The poor bugger (heh) just can't win, can he?

 

I'm glad you decided to keep posting this story. I just found it on the boards and it is great. There are so few Raynar stories out there, and this one is very powerful. His reaction to being seperated from the hive was so sad.

I felt so bad for the guy at the end of DN, and he is hardley even mentioned in the LoTF. This fic fills the gap well.

I hope that you keep writing the story. If you start a PM list can I join? This was a great post, thanks for reviving the story.

 

Verse 1:
I just thought it would be fun to play around with his recovery. Cause, seriously, this boy's got some issues!
I think that's a brilliant idea- I'm so glad you decided to write it.

What manner of creature Raynar would be upon awakening remained to be seen.
Well that certainly sounds ominous...


Verse 2:
Wincing involuntarily, he raised his right arm to shield them, then froze as it slid by his head without making contact.
Gee, that sounds pleasant... poor guy.

It was like the Crash all over again, except this time it was his mind that was being destroyed, his heart that was being burned away, not his body.
You have fabulous description. Fabulous. The emotion is incredible.


Verse 3:
did not bother trying to convince himself it had been a dream; even his twisted, shattered mind could not have created such a nightmare.


For a moment he allowed himself to wonder if death would bring a reunion with Lusa, then decided he hoped it would not. He did not want to see her reaction to what he had done, who he had become, did not think he could face the look in her eyes.
Seriously- all this emotion is incredible, and so real. I loved that Lusa's been mentioned (then again, it is you...she couldn't be absent for too long ).


Verse 4:
To her this was not a matter of life and death, of finding a way to hold on to the last shreds of sanity that fluttered like torn banners through his mind. For Danni, this was just another problem, something to be studied, understood, and fixed, simple as that. She did not understand that sometimes there were things that just could not be repaired, that sometimes things could not go back to normal, back to the way they had been before.



Verse 5:
He stared at the door for a long time after she left, trying to control the explosion of emotions that was raging through his battered heart, wishing with all his might he could just find some sort of peace, if only for an instant.
Poor, poor Raynar... I love the intensity, and the depth of the emotion. You write him so well.



I can't wait to read more!

 

Man, I suck for getting really busy and not having time to post! Ok, time to fix that!

Jinn_Soresom

Aww, thanks! If I can make people care about Raynar, my life is complete!

chaotic-force

Thanks! I kind of felt the same way; there are just too few Raynar stories, and even if no one reads this (which is not true any more, yay!) I still want to post it! Glad you like it so much, and I shall certainly add you to the PM list!

ZekksGoddess

Glad you like all the angst! Thanks for the awesome review!

 

Verse 6

Feel it rising, yeah next stop falling
Feel it rising, comatose, with no fear of falling

*****

?You don?t have to do this, if you do not want to.? Cilghal informed him, her face set in an expression he took to be seriousness.

?Yes I do.? Raynar replied, his voice disinterested. ?What I want doesn?t matter; it never really has, after all.? Almost a week after his angry outburst, the healer had come to him with a very different request; one from his mother.

His family had never been very close; both his parents had always considered business to be their highest priority. But he supposed a decade was enough to make even the least affectionate mother miss her son, especially if she had spent most of that time thinking he was dead. He might not be looking forward to a visit from her, but he could not bring himself to refuse.

?Alright.? Cilghal said, calmly ignoring his bitter remark. ?I will go get her.? She glided smoothly out of the room, the door hissing shut behind her, leaving him staring at the blank white walls.

The time it took for her to return was both too short and almost unbearably long. When the healer did reappear, it was only long enough to usher in his visitor with an encouraging smile, before disappearing again.

Aryn Dro Thul had aged a lifetime in the years since he had last seen her. Grief had carved her face like a sculptor, leaving it lined and sad. The elegant coils of her hair were more silver then brown, and her eyes were tired and full of pain. Despite it all, she still wore the bright colors of their house, and carried herself with a regal pride that would have the envy of any queen.

He watched her silently, registering the horror and shock that flew across her face when she saw him and trying to ignore the way it ripped through what was left of his heart. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, she flew across the room, alighting on the bed next to him and embracing him tightly enough to bruise. For a moment the only emotion he felt was shock. His family had never been close, exactly, with his parents always treating their relationships much as they had their business; coolly, professionally and detached. Physical affection had always been a rather foreign concept to him as a child but now, after the loss of the closeness he had shared with the Colony, it was the most welcome thing he had ever felt.

He realized to his shock that he was crying for the first time since he had ripped awake by the emptiness in his mind months ago. He could feel his mother?s hands rubbing soothingly across his back, hear her quiet, meaningless words of comfort above the sobs that racked his body and left him dizzy and breathless. For a briefest moment he let himself pretend that everything would be alright now, that she would be able to fix his life and make it all better. That she had always been a loving mother and that he had always been able to run to her when things went wrong. It was a nice lie, he decided, and at that moment he would have given anything to make it true.

He was almost ashamed by how long it took him to get himself under control, for the tears to finally stop, leaving him feeling drained and empty. Sniffing and wiping his eyes with the remains of his hand, he tried to force himself to lean back, to pull away, but somehow could not do it. It was just so much easier to let her hold him, to have this one small moment of comfort before reality returned.

?I missed you so much,? She whispered, her voice choked with emotions. ?When they told me you were alive?? She broke off, unable to continue.

He could not even find the words to reply, did not know what to say to this stranger who was also his mother, the woman he had not missed until this moment. She seemed to understand, to accept the silence that stretched between them with no end in sight. In a way, it was the same as their relationship had always been.

Finally, however, he made himself pull away from her embrace, to sit back and meet her stare. There was still shock at his appearance hiding b

 

But he supposed a decade was enough to make even the least affectionate mother miss her son, especially if she had spent most of that time thinking he was dead. He might not be looking forward to a visit from her, but he could not bring himself to refuse.
He really is alone right now- this part, where even his family is so distant- and always has been- really emphasizes that. You've really got me feeling for Raynar.

Grief had carved her face like a sculptor, leaving it lined and sad.
I love this line- grief being the sculptor. How true.

Physical affection had always been a rather foreign concept to him as a child but now, after the loss of the closeness he had shared with the Colony, it was the most welcome thing he had ever felt.
Aw, Raynar gets some happy time! Hugs all around!

It was a nice lie, he decided, and at that moment he would have given anything to make it true.
Mostly happy anyway. This is a great line, too- it's interesting how Raynar, even when he finally feels emotion, is detached enough to think this way.

?What are you talking about?? Aryn asked, a hint of stubborn frustration creeping into her voice. ?Certainly the damage is bad, but money is not a problem; we can hire the best plastic surgeons in the galaxy-?
Ooh. She may be a fantastic businesswoman, but where her son is concerned she seems to lack tactfulness.

Awesome update- I can't believe I almost missed it! Thankfully, I checked my recent posts and looked.

It definitely deserves a bump, anyhow.