Crash Course (non-JA)

Leona, the plot bunny for -this- one was large and rabid! It attacked me in the QGJDL chatroom one night. Someone had just finished describing Qui-gon in biker leathers astride a speederbike and the image just wouldn't go away.

 

I was just thinking last night that we didn't see a lot of Sloan in the story. I was wondering if it would be too much of a good thing if he had a few more "walk-ons", so to speak, maybe a scene or two where Shael shows just how protective he is of his brother. Maybe at the fights, where Sloan is beaten by one of the other gangers, and then Shael pounds that ganger into dust? It might make his kidnapping seem more intense to the reader if the reader has been introduced to him a little and has an idea of what Shael and Crash are missing when he's not there anymore. I remember thinking "Shael has a brother?" when I read about the attack. Just a thought...

 

Yeah, Frosty pointed that out to me as well. I'll be giving him more page time when I revamp. Thanks for the tips, people, keep them coming if you think of them.

 

Hi Lilith!

I apologize for lurking most of the time (job hunt and move), but I enjoyed the story! I will be a responsible reader and comment. Forgive a dry scientist for numbering her points! LOL it's ingrained by now.

Overall, the detail with which you described events, people and locations added tremendously to the well-constructed plot line. The concept of the swoop gang culture fits Coruscant perfectly!

1) Crash is a superb character!- a complicated female character comfortable with herself: intelligence, confidence, common sense and a sense of humor. Thank you for not having her fall in love with Mason, but choose to deepen her relationship with Shael. The Lorrdian backstory, with their culture of communicating /observing and Jedi emancipation is a intriguing concept!

2) Your imagery in many scenes was vivid, and drew my empathy as as a reader.
Such as:
"On the balls of his feet, weight balanced to perfection, I saw an acceptance and surrender in his face that I?d not seen on any living soul in my life. But I?d seen it in countless holovids of the Lorrdian War. Knight Jinn was sunk deep into the Force." or

"He had shed the swooprider I?d been helping him build like a krayt dragon sheds its skin. Now he was completely and just a Jedi Knight. Qui-gon Jinn, who was
practically a stranger to me, had pushed aside my friend Mason like he never existed. "

3) Your characters had flaws! Don't we all!
Shael and Roble were overprotective, Shael had a temper, Crash could be moody. Mason/Jinn could pronounce Nash's name properly, but couldn't use proper hand language grammar. And he hadn't used Force healing, so was struggling against Jayek. Not perfect...just human & Jedi.

Not too many general difficulties with the story.

1) I did get confused at the end. Was Crash relating this story to someone? As a narration? The beginning seems to suggest this too, "Don't let anyone tell you life in a swoopgang isn't exciting...."
2) Sloan, Shael's brother, seemed to materialize out of thin air. Great plot device of the kidnap strategy to force the Horsemen's into skirmishes and it worked really well. The tension level would be increased if Sloan appeared prior to his kidnapping.

Thanks again Lilith, I am only sad to see a great story finish.

But did you say a sequel to At the Right Place at the Right Time? WoHoo! One of the first stories I read on the boards. Can't wait!

E3J
ducks her head at the *long* post.

 

I didn't post to say thanks for posting this? Left behind again. A nice tie-up to end it all. I'm now seeing nice cinematic images of Liam swooping off into the Coruscant sunset.

Maybe a touch odd that nobody wondered how it was Mason managed to know just the right Healer for the job, AND persuade her to give her services apparently for free... then again, maybe that Healer might call a favour in at a later date as payment?

 

HaiGan, I was struck by the same image. (Doesn't the hero always ride off into the sunset, never looking back? )

I think the ending was a bit abrupt. I like how you clinched the last paragraph; I just didn't feel that you built up to it within that same paragraph. I was also jarred a bit by the men's lack of reaction to Mason's departure. Is there a high turnover rate for swoop gangs? Also, might it be possible that a few of the guys (Roble, for one) sort of suspected Mason's Jedi identity?

Still, this is a wonderful, wonderful story. The characters are well-drawn, the plot well-constructed, and there are enough handsome men for the ladies. Talented women too.

I would love another Crash story, but I have picked up SOME military strategy from Djuva. First, we get on hands on the Right Place at Right Time sequel. Then we force Lilith to write a Crash Course sequel. (Am I giving my plans away? Oops.)

 

Oh no! I'm caught in a demodae whirlpool, and I can't get out! Homework concentration failing, log-on connection jammed on full!
AAAAAIIIIIIIEIEEEEEEEEEE!
Basically, I love it!!!

 

Awesome, Lilith. I loved it. I agree, though, that last paragraph was just a tad abrupt.

Shael and Crash got married!!! Awwww!

Can't wait til you get the final polish done.

 

Sithly computer. ::kicks it::

 

Man... I am such a sith... I started reading this shortly after you began posting it, Lilith, but I didn't get very far before I got sucked up in them nasty USJS time-space continuity water-pipes, and then after months of pain and writhing agony...

And then you teased Cory in the Nest about reading your stuff since we both thought you were so great, and he said he thought I had... and I hadn't read beyond page two or three...

Well, guilt bit, hard, and I am reading, I'm only on page eleven, but I do so *love* this wonderful story... your writing, your grace at dealing with the errors, the deep and thoughtful details, the thick and complex interactions of the characters... <gush gush gush>

I have enjoyed everything about it, and I have to say a couple of things:

1) I'd still be reading if I weren't desperate for sleep;

2) You are now and for as long as I can imagine it, my all time favourite author on the boards;

3) When are you going to sumbit this and the Hitchhiking Jedi story to the fanfic archives? Huh? Huh???

------<-------@
(a long-stemmed rose, for you)

Thankyou again, and I will take the time to finish the rest of this story good and soon!!!

Oh yeah, and... UP!


*Derisa*

 

Okay, I said I'd finish it and soon, and ... well, I did...

Overall, an excellent story. I feel so totally outclassed I don't want to comment, but...

Yes, the ending was abrupt, and Sloan needs to interact with his brother more, Sloan's age is never outlined, so what is the age difference between them? These points were covered by other respondents already...

I would have liked to be a fly on the wall for Nash's little "talk" with Shael... I found his conversion from Whambambino to almost 90's guy to be somewhat inexplicable.

You only *hint*, barely, at Crash's upbringing and family: how was she a buren to them? Has she seen them since? Maybe just my desire for more backstory, but I've a well-known preference for thick background.

The other thing that seemed to require more info was Crash's relationship with Roble/Death (I kept wanting to see him speaking in all caps... )... how did she come to be a trusted part of his gang... maybe that's the sort of thing we'd all like to see in another Crash story: a pre-quel... how does Chenowyth become Crash?

Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say... I can't wait to read the finalised edition, I hope you repost it here, and do, seriously, consider submitting it to the fanfic archive at TF.N, as well as RTATRP.

Speaking of which, I am frankly *thrilled* to hear of more to come from that story...

Yup, I'm a fan!


*Derisa*

 

Sorry it's taken me a while to do my final post Lilith, but I wanted to go back and read it again.

I have to agree with what others have said. The only bit that stood out against this remarkable and fantastic piece of writing was the sharp ending. One minute the treatment was starting and in the next breath it was the end of the week. Just a case of showing time passing.

I agree it would improve the story further by knowing more about Crash (or a prequel sounds good too!) and also the relationship between Shael and Sloan. Other than that I was riveted to this story, and loved the way it flowed and held us captivated all the way through. As usual your action scenes were outstanding.

And yes, put me down as a subscriber to the sequel of "The Right Place at the Right Time".

 

I fell so horribly behind. But what an ending. I'm sorry to see it end, but the story was resolved quite nicely. The whole story was absolutely riveting, Lilith!

I wonder if there's any chance for a sequel? Or at least another story or snapshot involving these characters?

Thank you for sharing this story with us, Lilith!

 

I want to extend a great big thank you to all my wonderful readers and their dedication and loyalty. I would not have written this story if not for them.

I should have the polished and perfected version ready to go in the next noth or so. (As soon as my regular beta reader is free and has internet access again.)