Critique this: an excerpt from "Shadows of Liberty"

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Writing Resource' started by Orion_Star, Aug 1, 2001.

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  1. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Okay, Skar and Melyanna, here is the next part of the scene that you guys critiqued last time. Melyanna, thanks for the Play by Play. I'm already revising parts of the last section. This one is about the same size as the other one, but I'm a little less-pleased with this section than I was with the other one.

    BTW: I think that we should figure out a system so that we know which posts are "ours" and which are someone elses'. Like: "Critique this" or some such. Obviously, if it's by one of us, we'll know just by the poster, but this is more for the people that want us to critique their works. I'm I making sense?

    Oh well. Hammer away, guys! Just a warning, it get's more mushy in this post. Well, enjoy! And if that's not possible, enjoy ripping it apart...

    * * *

    The woman seated across from him gave him one of her most stunning smiles and then turned her attention to her plate while she speared a sliver of Thrakian creye~rshi and slipped it into her mouth. Orion Star followed suit and then took a casual sip of the Admirals Club's most expensive Coruscant wine. Charis Tamara, his beautiful companion, did likewise and gave him a warming smile again.

    Then she spoke, her voice casually light, "Quite a costly dinner for a welcome home meal, Orion."

    The Admiral smiled, then shrugged. "Not really. First, the cost of this meal is an insignificant price to pay for an hour or two of your time. Second, I anticipated having this dinner long before you returned, so its cost was included in my budget." Charis smiled at the subtle joke then listened to what would be Orion's final point, "Finally, this is more than a simple welcome home meal."

    Charis, never one to constantly use the Force to sense others, was unprepared for that revelation, and she almost choked on the piece of creye~rshi as a flurry of doubts and questions hit her brain. Orion, being one who did constantly use the Force to sense others, immediately sensed her doubts and smoothed them over.

    "Don't worry, it's nothing so serious as that, yet. This is both, although not quite as romantic, a business dinner as well as a welcome home meal."

    Charis's beautiful face scrunched in confusion as she asked, "Business dinner? What do you mean?"

    Orion set his wineglass on the table and pressed his fingertips together. "I need officers, Charis, and competent ones. I have forces joining me every day, some with ships, some without. I just captured a Liberator cruiser whose captain was killed in the battle and it currently has an entire crew with no leadership. You yourself brought back an Imp Deuce with a skeleton crew. That is a ship I can use, but not without someone on its bridge who I know I can trust and who I know can handle that kind of responsibility."

    Charis smiled at him as if she were embarrassed. "And you think that I fit those requirements? Admiral Cummings didn't seem to think I was up to the standards of the rest of the fleet."

    Orion's gaze got hard, "Cummings was a fool who doctored your scores to negatively effect your position within the fleet. Lune proved it. I was going to incarcerate him, but he's now leading a good portion of Laramir's fleet. Accept my offer and you'll have your chance to prove to yourself, and to him if you wish, what I already know."

    Charis gave him an intense look of innocence. "And what's that?"

    Orion blushed, for the first time in a long time, as he replied, "Ahem, that you can take him anywhere, under any circumstances and that he was a fool for not realizing the potential you have clearly demonstrated."

    Charis nodded, then asked, "So what's your offer, Orion? Or should I refer to you as Admiral, since this is a business dinner?"

    Orion smiled broadly. "'Orion' will do just fine. Or, 'Most Magnanimous Supreme Commander', if that's easier for you. As for my offer, it is simple. Accept an immediate promotion to Captain and join my Advisory Council."

    Charis looked at him quizzically, "Advisory Council?"

    Orion grinned sheepishly back a
  2. Skar Kjoil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 16, 2000
    star 2
    The woman seated across from him gave him one of her most stunning smiles and then turned her attention to her plate while she speared a sliver of Thrakian creye~rshi and slipped it into her mouth. Orion Star followed suit and then took a casual sip of the Admirals Club's most expensive Coruscant wine. Charis Tamara, his beautiful companion, did likewise and gave him a warming smile again.

    Then she spoke, her voice casually light, "Quite a costly dinner for a welcome home meal, Orion."

    The Admiral smiled, then shrugged. "Not really. First, the cost of this meal is an insignificant price to pay for an hour or two of your time. Second, I anticipated having this dinner long before you returned, so its cost was included in my budget." Charis smiled at the subtle joke then listened to what would be Orion's final point, "Finally, this is more than a simple welcome home meal."

    Nit-picking: the dialogue would be very nice if he finished it off with "third" instead of "finally". This is not an error of course, just a suggestion.

    Charis, never one to constantly use the Force to sense others, was unprepared for that revelation, and she almost choked on the piece of creye~rshi as a flurry of doubts and questions hit her brain. Orion, being one who did constantly use the Force to sense others, immediately sensed her doubts and smoothed them over.

    "Don't worry, it's nothing so serious as that, yet. This is both, although not quite as romantic, a business dinner as well as a welcome home meal."

    Charis's beautiful face scrunched in confusion as she asked, "Business dinner? What do you mean?"

    Orion set his wineglass on the table and pressed his fingertips together. "I need officers, Charis, and competent ones. I have forces joining me every day, some with ships, some without. I just captured a Liberator cruiser whose captain was killed in the battle and it currently has an entire crew with no leadership. You yourself brought back an Imp Deuce with a skeleton crew. That is a ship I can use, but not without someone on its bridge who I know I can trust and who I know can handle that kind of responsibility."

    Charis smiled at him as if she were embarrassed. "And you think that I fit those requirements? Admiral Cummings didn't seem to think I was up to the standards of the rest of the fleet."

    Orion's gaze got hard, "Cummings was a fool who doctored your scores to negatively effect your position within the fleet. Lune proved it. I was going to incarcerate him, but he's now leading a good portion of Laramir's fleet. Accept my offer and you'll have your chance to prove to yourself, and to him if you wish, what I already know."

    Charis gave him an intense look of innocence. "And what's that?"

    Orion blushed, for the first time in a long time, as he replied, "Ahem, that you can take him anywhere, under any circumstances and that he was a fool for not realizing the potential you have clearly demonstrated."

    Charis nodded, then asked, "So what's your offer, Orion? Or should I refer to you as Admiral, since this is a business dinner?"

    Loving the dialogue. You're good at this. I love making interesting dialogue so I appreciate it when reading one

    Orion smiled broadly. "'Orion' will do just fine. Or, 'Most Magnanimous Supreme Commander', if that's easier for you. As for my offer, it is simple. Accept an immediate promotion to Captain and join my Advisory Council."

    After he says "supreme commander" make a comma and put in something that lets the reader know he's kidding. Most non-SW readers won't know he's kidding. Or at least I think he is. Like I've always said: Something humorous deserves a laugh not only from the reader but also the characthers.

    Charis looked at him quizzically, "Advisory Council?"

    Orion grinned sheepishly back at her, "It's still under construction, but it's necessary to keep me from doing everything myself."

    Charis smiled knowingly at him. They both knew that Orion hated committees. They both knew that Orion would rather do everything himself tha
  3. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    And you said you found mush difficult to write. ;)

    Anyway, here I go on another play-by-play. Incidentally, I don't know why I started calling it that, but I like that name. Call me crazy.

    ------



    The woman seated across from him gave him one of her most stunning smiles and then turned her attention to her plate while she speared a sliver of Thrakian creye~rshi and slipped it into her mouth. Orion Star followed suit and then took a casual sip of the Admirals Club's most expensive Coruscant wine. Charis Tamara, his beautiful companion, did likewise and gave him a warming smile again.

    Then she spoke, her voice casually light, "Quite a costly dinner for a welcome home meal, Orion."

    The Admiral smiled, then shrugged. "Not really. First, the cost of this meal is an insignificant price to pay for an hour or two of your time. Second, I anticipated having this dinner long before you returned, so its cost was included in my budget." Charis smiled at the subtle joke then listened to what would be Orion's final point, "Finally, this is more than a simple welcome home meal."

    This just ruined the romantic mood. That may have been what you were after, but if a guy said that to me, I'd probably get up and leave. Maybe you could soften it up a bit and not have the enumeration?

    Charis, never one to constantly use the Force to sense others, was unprepared for that revelation, and she almost choked on the piece of creye~rshi as a flurry of doubts and questions hit her brain. Orion, being one who did constantly use the Force to sense others, immediately sensed her doubts and smoothed them over.

    Nice characterization.

    "Don't worry, it's nothing so serious as that, yet. This is both, although not quite as romantic, a business dinner as well as a welcome home meal."

    Charis's beautiful face scrunched in confusion as she asked, "Business dinner? What do you mean?"

    Orion set his wineglass on the table and pressed his fingertips together. "I need officers, Charis, and competent ones. I have forces joining me every day, some with ships, some without. I just captured a Liberator cruiser whose captain was killed in the battle and it currently has an entire crew with no leadership. You yourself brought back an Imp Deuce with a skeleton crew. That is a ship I can use, but not without someone on its bridge who I know I can trust and who I know can handle that kind of responsibility."

    Charis smiled at him as if she were embarrassed. "And you think that I fit those requirements? Admiral Cummings didn't seem to think I was up to the standards of the rest of the fleet."

    Orion's gaze got hard, "Cummings was a fool who doctored your scores to negatively effect your position within the fleet. Lune proved it. I was going to incarcerate him, but he's now leading a good portion of Laramir's fleet. Accept my offer and you'll have your chance to prove to yourself, and to him if you wish, what I already know."

    Charis gave him an intense look of innocence. "And what's that?"

    Orion blushed, for the first time in a long time, as he replied, "Ahem, that you can take him anywhere, under any circumstances and that he was a fool for not realizing the potential you have clearly demonstrated."

    Charis nodded, then asked, "So what's your offer, Orion? Or should I refer to you as Admiral, since this is a business dinner?"

    Orion smiled broadly. "'Orion' will do just fine. Or, 'Most Magnanimous Supreme Commander', if that's easier for you. As for my offer, it is simple. Accept an immediate promotion to Captain and join my Advisory Council."

    Charis looked at him quizzically, "Advisory Council?"

    Orion grinned sheepishly back at her, "It's still under construction, but it's necessary to keep me from doing everything myself."

    Charis smiled knowingly at him. They both knew that Orion hated committees. They both knew that Orion would rather do everything himself than to form an Advisory Council to run his war for him. And they both knew that that despite Orion's
  4. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Eep! Two play-by-plays!

    Sorry about that. I was working on mine when Skar posted his. Oh, well, you get two opinions of things, and on a mushy section like this, it's a good thing to get two opinions.
  5. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks guys! I'll get to work implementing the suggestions you gave me. BTW, my word processor is set to auto hyphenate. When I copy-paste into the post, it ends up leaving the hyphens in there, so I try to remove them. I just missed that one... Oops.

    Other than that, you both had excellent suggestions and comments. I'm actually surprised you could follow it. You have even missed about... {quick mental calculation...} twenty or so chapters of context. I built up to this moment for a good long time. I'd start posting from the beginning, but my co-author and I have done things a little differently. Basically, I do the "Orion Star" side of the issue (though the main characters of this story are Seoman and Miri) and he does the "Lance Jade" side of it, in a somewhat alternating sequence of chapters.

    Since I write faster than he does, I'm on chapter 24 or 26, and he's on chapter 9. (This is actually more of a book than a story) Now, there are a bunch of chapters in between that are skipped because he hasn't written them yet, so I really have only written about fifteen chapters, while he's written three or four. (I'm estimating here.) That's why I hesitate to start posting stuff this early because if I do I'll have to leave people hanging until he finishes a chapter, and I don't necessarily want to do that.

    Anyway, thanks for the suggestions! I really appreciate them and they made me see some errors that I'd made and could easily be fixed. It was good to have two Play by Play's this time. You both commented on different things from two different perspectives and that helped me a lot. Cheers! I'm off to frolick in Rewrite Land!
  6. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Okay, I've decided to start posting more sections of this story for editing. The comments you guys gave have been exceptionally helpful in clearing up this rather mushy section, but I'd kinda like your opinions on the beginning. Personally, I think the story started out rough and got progressively better. So, i'll start with the Prologue. It's short (1 font size 12 page), and I didn't write it, my co-author did, but since I'm the primary editor of the work I have a good say in what get's changed. Therefore, I'll get a third (or fourth or fifth) party's advice and start posting this thing chronologically. I'll include the "Dramatis Personae" for the sake of including it.

    _________________________________

    DRAMATIS PERSONAE

    LIBERTY SQUADRON:

    Commander Seoman Ashby (human male from Corellia)
    Commander Miriamelle Lockev (human female from Hapes)
    Captain Calin Tolis (human female from Bakura)
    Captain War'n Gyona (Gand male from Gand)
    Lieutenant Braxen Farsight (human male from Yaga Minor)
    Lieutenant Tiamat Resowa (human male from Bakura)
    Flight Officer Locke Bladerunn (human male from Montroneb)
    Flight Officer Eleria Ligeas (human female from Thrakus)
    Lieutenant G'resv Wrothr (Defel male from Af'El)
    Lieutenant Laton Fullerc (human male from Commenor)
    Flight Officer Matthus Starsin (human male from Bastion)
    Flight Officer Koriandec Asdes (Twi'lek male from Ryloth)

    Xecdon (Verpine male from Roche G42)
    Sabacc (Seoman's R7-SBC astromech droid)

    BAKURAN MILITARY PERSONNEL:

    High Admiral Gregory Laramir (human male from Bakura)
    Fleet Admiral Orion Star (human male from Thrakus)
    Captain Yarden Kelaran (human female from Bakura)
    Commander Varro Salvan (human male from Coruscant)
    Lieutenant Lune Ventor (human male from Montroneb)

    IMPERIAL PERSONNEL:

    Grand Admiral Zio (human male from Coruscant)
    Grand Admiral Mikel Garret (human male from Bastion)
    Imperial Security Services Director Renae Nedza (human female from Dirrest)
    Commodore Lance Jade (human male, an Imperial Lord of the Admiralty)
    Captain Annette Michton (human female from Coruscant)
    Commander Talon Reeves (human male from Carro IV)
    General Jac Frevor (human male from Bastion)

    CIVILIANS:

    Arius Benjjamin (human male from Nerilaat)
    Lady Charis Tamara (human female from Thrakus)
    Mitsy Lamaris (human female from Chandrila)
    Mikael Lamaris (human male from Chandrila)
    Princess Ariel Mensandor (human female from Montroneb)


    PROLOGUE


    "LEAVE THIS SECTOR IMMEDIATELY. REPEAT, YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE IMPERIAL ORDER TWO ONE NINE SECTION EIGHT. THIS IS A RESTRICTED AREA! YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF SCIENCE RESEARCH STATION PORTANIUS SPACE. TURN BACK YOUR VESSELS IMMEDIATELY!" The message continued to repeat its call as the three TIE Avenger Mark VII fighters headed directly at the Portanius.

    Mitsy Lamaris had called for the evacuation of the science station as soon as the TIE fighters exited hyperspace with their weapons locking on the station. Why drang it? The Empire promised to leave us alone! They were approximately four minutes away from firing range and still had not replied to her hails.

    "MITSY! GET OUT OF THERE!" a voice shot over her comlink. She sat alone on the station's bridge, uselessly checking the system gauges. She had to stay. That was the only way her kids could make it out. "Mik, I can't leave and you know it! Now run! Get those freighters moving while the station can still mask your signal!"

    Outside of the type-B space research station, two older models KDY-VI transports were docked to the main access hatches. The TIE fighters were still incoming and had not noticed the escape vessels.

    Mitsy made one last check of the station and sat back in her chair. May the Force be with you, Mik!

    * * *

    The computer read a solid lock on the research station's bridge. "DS-179-02 to Raptor command. Repeat order to fire."

    "RAPTOR COMMAND TO DS-179-02, YOU ARE ORDERED TO FIRE."

    Even though the pilot did not agree, he switched his weapons over to his
  7. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    I'll get to this when I get back in a couple of hours. There probably won't be a play-by-play by then.
  8. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks Melyanna! That'll give me a good ammount of time to edit in the rest of those suggestions you gave me.

    Until later!
  9. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Okay, I lied. It'll have to wait till tomorrow morning...but I promise I'll get to it then.
  10. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    That's alright. That way I'll get your and Skar's response about the same time. Besides, I'm getting into "Rebirth" anyway. Good book, BTW. Pick it UP!

    Later!
  11. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Okay. I only have a few general comments to make about this. I didn't find anything that needed emergency care.

    First of all, it's pretty vague, but I think that was what you were going for. It's not vague in a bad sense, but more of a gripping sense. Now I want to read more of it to find out what the heck is going on.

    Other than that, it's pretty obvious that you play X-wing. I should probably start playing it again for the sake of space battles, but it crashes my G4.

    And something I noticed in reading Skar's critique on your last post. "Cummings was a fool who doctored your scores to negatively effect your position within the fleet." Affect, not effect.

    EDIT: Stupid iMac keyboard! *throws keyboard out window...oh, wait, there aren't any windows, it'll have to go out the patio door*
  12. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks. Vague but gripping was what I was going for...

    {Slaps forehead with hand} DOH! One of those annoying useless spellcheck situations... Not too mention that Word 97 and 2000's grammar checks aren't worth the hard drive space they take up...

    And yes, I'm an avid fan of those X-wing games. My co-author is a HUGE TIE-Fighter fan. Personally, give me an X-wing and I'm happy. :D
    I'll take an A-wing if I'm up against something faster than an Interceptor, though...

    I'll see if Skar posts anything, then post a section from chapter one.

    Thanks again, Melyanna. I'll check out that new one you have up...

    Bye!

    Sorry about the edit. I hate ergonomic keyboards...
  13. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Okay, here's the first segment from the first chapter. Enjoy (or enjoy ripping it apart as the case may be)! I'm back at my normal computer now, so my trusty Logitech(tm) keyboard is all warmed up and ready to edit!

    ________________________________________________


    CHAPTER 1


    Seoman Ashby sat comfortably in the cockpit of his personal JX II X-wing fighter as it careened through hyperspace. The timer on his Heads-Up-Display read that he had five and a half minutes left until he reverted to realspace for refueling and a little rest at Portanius station. His R7 unit, Sabacc, bleeped him a message and Seoman read what the little droid said on his HUD.

    "No, I'm not going back. The CDC pushed me too far this time and you know it."

    An obviously sarcastic remark blatted at him and Seoman smiled behind his helmet's concealing faceplate. "Yes I know I'm not totally innocent either, but the least you could do is be supportive. It's not like you had much of a choice."

    Another angrier blat reached him, but the translation was softer than Seoman guessed it would have been. "No I'd never leave you behind. Without you, I couldn't have escaped in the first place. Remember, you run the hyperdrive."

    Sabacc let out one more whistle, which sounded suspiciously like a sigh of relief, and Seoman checked his ETA again. Only three more minutes. Soon he would be a week's worth of travel away from Corellia and one more step closer to freedom.

    From Portanius, Seoman planned to head out to Sullust and then travel to Thyferra. The Thyferrans always needed people to guard their bacta cartels and Seoman, formerly with the Corellian Defense Corps, was the best cartel guard they could ever hire.

    Not only was Seoman one of the best fighter pilots flying for Corellia, but he was also the highest rated pilot in his graduating class at the Corellian Academy. The Thyferans would welcome him with open arms, and a sizeable paycheck, and would probably give him command of a fighter wing as an added bonus.

    Sabacc whistled at him, pulling Seoman out of his thoughts of fortune and glory, to remind him that he would be reentering realspace in thirty seconds. Seoman prepped his shields and charged his tachyon cannons. Just because a system was marked as "friendly" did not guarantee the absence of hostiles. Seoman had long ago learned that the sooner you're prepared the longer you live, especially in the cockpit of a flying target with tachs.

    The countdown reached zero and the X-wing reverted to realspace. The pilot then spoke to his droid through the comlink in his helmet's mask. "Sabacc, do a scan of the area and let me know where my heading is. I can't see the station from here, but it should be somewhere nearby."

    The droid hooted a calm reply that indicated that the station was supposed to be on the far side of the planet, but he couldn't get a solid read on it. Seoman assumed that was due to the lack of satellites orbiting the blue gas-giant planet, Portanius, for which the science research station was named. He set himself on a course that would take him to the station quickly and sat back to enjoy the ride in.

    Blast it! Seoman thought to himself as he awaited arrival at his destination. If only the CDC hadn't ordered me to blow up that civilian transport I wouldn't even be here. Seoman continued guiding his craft around the huge sphere dominating his forward view.

    My only problem is my moral compass. If I just followed orders I'd still have a paycheck. But, then a bunch of innocent people would be dead and I'd be the one to blame.

    Seoman noticed he had entered a nice orbital pattern and decided to have a little fun. He forgot his previous worries as he smiled mischievously to himself.
    Sabacc will love this.

    Seoman punched the throttle and swung the ship so that his dorsal end faced Portanius. He maneuvered into an orbit that used the massive blue planet's gravity to propel him forward around the planet faster than even an A-wing fighter could manage.

  14. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Seoman Ashby sat comfortably in the cockpit of his personal JX II X-wing fighter as it careened through hyperspace. The timer on his Heads-Up-Display read that he had five and a half minutes left until he reverted to realspace for refueling and a little rest at Portanius station. His R7 unit, Sabacc, bleeped him a message and Seoman read what the little droid said on his HUD.

    "No, I'm not going back. The CDC pushed me too far this time and you know it."

    Having read the whole thing, I know what CDC stands for, but the immediate image that sprung into my mind was the Center for Disease Control.

    An obviously sarcastic remark blatted at him and Seoman smiled behind his helmet's concealing faceplate. "Yes I know I'm not totally innocent either, but the least you could do is be supportive. It's not like you had much of a choice."

    Another angrier blat reached him, but the translation was softer than Seoman guessed it would have been. "No I'd never leave you behind. Without you, I couldn't have escaped in the first place. Remember, you run the hyperdrive."

    Sabacc let out one more whistle, which sounded suspiciously like a sigh of relief, and Seoman checked his ETA again. Only three more minutes. Soon he would be a week's worth of travel away from Corellia and one more step closer to freedom.

    From Portanius, Seoman planned to head out to Sullust and then travel to Thyferra. The Thyferrans always needed people to guard their bacta cartels and Seoman, formerly with the Corellian Defense Corps, was the best cartel guard they could ever hire.

    Not only was Seoman one of the best fighter pilots flying for Corellia, but he was also the highest rated pilot in his graduating class at the Corellian Academy. The Thyferans would welcome him with open arms, and a sizeable paycheck, and would probably give him command of a fighter wing as an added bonus.

    Sabacc whistled at him, pulling Seoman out of his thoughts of fortune and glory, to remind him that he would be reentering realspace in thirty seconds. Seoman prepped his shields and charged his tachyon cannons. Just because a system was marked as "friendly" did not guarantee the absence of hostiles. Seoman had long ago learned that the sooner you're prepared the longer you live, especially in the cockpit of a flying target with tachs.

    The countdown reached zero and the X-wing reverted to realspace. The pilot then spoke to his droid through the comlink in his helmet's mask. "Sabacc, do a scan of the area and let me know where my heading is. I can't see the station from here, but it should be somewhere nearby."

    The droid hooted a calm reply that indicated that the station was supposed to be on the far side of the planet, but he couldn't get a solid read on it. Seoman assumed that was due to the lack of satellites orbiting the blue gas-giant planet, Portanius, for which the science research station was named. He set himself on a course that would take him to the station quickly and sat back to enjoy the ride in.

    Blast it! Seoman thought to himself as he awaited arrival at his destination. If only the CDC hadn't ordered me to blow up that civilian transport I wouldn't even be here. Seoman continued guiding his craft around the huge sphere dominating his forward view.

    My only problem is my moral compass. If I just followed orders I'd still have a paycheck. But, then a bunch of innocent people would be dead and I'd be the one to blame.

    Seoman noticed he had entered a nice orbital pattern and decided to have a little fun. He forgot his previous worries as he smiled mischievously to himself. Sabacc will love this.

    Seoman punched the throttle and swung the ship so that his dorsal end faced Portanius. He maneuvered into an orbit that used the massive blue planet's gravity to propel him forward around the planet faster than even an A-wing fighter could manage.

    The G-forces began to depress him into his seat, despite the fact that his inertial compensators were set just below full. Sabacc's shrill yell
  15. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks again! I think I will add some detail to give color to that statement. I have a chance to give another good insight into Seoman's character. Thanks for pointing that out. Now I just have to think of what they did to that poor girl... [face_devil]

    Center for Disease Control, huh? Maybe I'll make him say the whole thing, just to avoid confusion...

    Yes, I've logged many a hour behind my joystick playing that game... shameful at best, but a good source of inspiration... :)

    Well, thanks again Melyanna! Tomorrow I'll post the rest of chapter 1. Until later!
  16. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Here's the last part of chapter 1. Have at it!


    * * *

    It wasn't long before Seoman was resting comfortably in the galley of the science research vessel, Silent Wind and speaking to the owner, a certain Mikael Lamaris. The man had been most generous in his acceptance and treatment of Seoman, and Seoman was not one to turn down others' generosity.

    Seoman, his lanky frame leaning back in a soft nerf hide galley chair, his black-booted feet crossed at the ankles and resting on an expensive tabletop, and his bright red hair nicely combed and washed, conversed casually with the owner of the research yacht. Mikael Lamaris sat in a much more formal manner. With large hands clasped in his lap, curly brown hair encompassing his head, and his slightly overweight belly protruding from his thick belt, he began to tell the young Corellian what had happened. The man looked distraught.

    "Son," Lamaris began in a light voice, "I can't thank you enough for vaping that Strike cruiser. If you hadn't intervened, I'd be dead and there would be no one to hold the Empire accountable for its evil."

    Seoman smiled warmly at him, "My pleasure, Mikael. Now, may I ask what the raid was all about?"

    The older man looked away for a second as he thought about the answer. Once he looked back at Seoman he said, "First, call me Mik, and second, I honestly don't know. Who can even imagine what threat they saw here? We were just researching solar winds, not designing Death Stars."

    Seoman removed his feet from the tabletop and sat up straight. "Look, there had to be a reason. The Empire usually doesn't send a Strike cruiser and three TIE Advanced fighters just to rattle the local populace. What were you trying to find out about solar winds anyway?"

    "Sorry, Seoman. I never knew." The man looked towards his lap. "Only Mitsy knew, and she's dead."

    Seoman got the feeling that Mik wasn't telling him all he knew, but it could just be the grief inflected into his voice over the loss of his wife. "Alright, did any of the other staff survive? I should talk to them about what they know."

    Mikael thought it over for a second, a second longer than he should have in Seoman's opinion. "Yeah, Arius Benjjamin was really big into the whole project. He's Captain on board the Saleem, his private space yacht. He was visiting Mitsy to go over some minor details. Alliances, and stuff. I never really got involved in those meetings. I never really liked the guy either. Purely political, you understand."

    "No, Mik, I'm afraid I don't." Seoman was becoming more uncertain of Mik by the minute. Not to say he thought the guy was a lying mynock or anything, just that he was wary about fully trusting him.

    Mik placed his hands on the rosettiwood table and looked Seoman straight in the eyes. His voice lowered a few notches, even though no one was within earshot of normal conversation levels.

    "The guy keeps talking about joining some other government. We have always tried to remain completely and utterly neutral. It's bad for business to discriminate, you understand. But this Arius guy is fully convinced that this new government out by Bakura is the way things should be, or is at least a better choice than the Galactic Empire." Mikael leaned back in his seat and added, "I obviously disagreed, until recently of course."

    "Well, enough about politics," Seoman said as he relaxed and leaned comfortably into the padded chair. "I thank you, on behalf of my stomach, for the food and on behalf of my future, for the fuel for my X-wing. Unfortunately, I think I should discuss with this Arius Benjjamin the ins and outs of what he knows about this. It looks as suspicious as a grinning Devaronian."

    "No problem, Seoman," Mik said kindly. "I'll set up the meeting myself. I'll even have your X-wing ready to fly within the hour, if you wish." Mik smiled warmly at Seoman.

    "I'd appreciate it," Seoman replied with equal warmth and with the most sincere smile he could manage. "Just make sure Sabacc doesn't give you any trouble." S
  17. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    {Looks around sheepishly} Uh, any help here would be hot...

    (Okay, so it's a cheezy Jar-Jar line. It was better than, "Please edit my last post") :D
  18. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    I could have sworn I'd already critiqued this...I suppose I started and didn't finish. Sorry, Orion.

    Oh, excuse any typos. When you're a ten-finger typist, not being able to bend one finger has its drawbacks.


    It wasn't long before Seoman was resting comfortably in the galley of the science research vessel, Silent Wind and speaking to the owner, a certain Mikael Lamaris. The man had been most generous in his acceptance and treatment of Seoman, and Seoman was not one to turn down others' generosity.

    Seoman, his lanky frame leaning back in a soft nerf hide galley chair, his black-booted feet crossed at the ankles and resting on an expensive tabletop, and his bright red hair nicely combed and washed, conversed casually with the owner of the research yacht. Mikael Lamaris sat in a much more formal manner. With large hands clasped in his lap, curly brown hair encompassing his head, and his slightly overweight belly protruding from his thick belt, he began to tell the young Corellian what had happened. The man looked distraught.

    I'd do something to the first sentence of that paragraph. Something just doesn't seem right. It's almost as if there are too many commas and too many ands at the same time.

    "Son," Lamaris began in a light voice, "I can't thank you enough for vaping that Strike cruiser. If you hadn't intervened, I'd be dead and there would be no one to hold the Empire accountable for its evil."

    Seoman smiled warmly at him, "My pleasure, Mikael. Now, may I ask what the raid was all about?"

    The older man looked away for a second as he thought about the answer. Once he looked back at Seoman he said, "First, call me Mik, and second, I honestly don't know. Who can even imagine what threat they saw here? We were just researching solar winds, not designing Death Stars."

    Seoman removed his feet from the tabletop and sat up straight. "Look, there had to be a reason. The Empire usually doesn't send a Strike cruiser and three TIE Advanced fighters just to rattle the local populace. What were you trying to find out about solar winds anyway?"

    "Sorry, Seoman. I never knew." The man looked towards his lap. "Only Mitsy knew, and she's dead."

    Seoman got the feeling that Mik wasn't telling him all he knew, but it could just be the grief inflected into his voice over the loss of his wife. "Alright, did any of the other staff survive? I should talk to them about what they know."

    Mikael thought it over for a second, a second longer than he should have in Seoman's opinion. "Yeah, Arius Benjjamin was really big into the whole project. He's Captain on board the Saleem, his private space yacht. He was visiting Mitsy to go over some minor details. Alliances, and stuff. I never really got involved in those meetings. I never really liked the guy either. Purely political, you understand."

    "No, Mik, I'm afraid I don't." Seoman was becoming more uncertain of Mik by the minute. Not to say he thought the guy was a lying mynock or anything, just that he was wary about fully trusting him.

    Mik placed his hands on the rosettiwood table and looked Seoman straight in the eyes. His voice lowered a few notches, even though no one was within earshot of normal conversation levels.

    "The guy keeps talking about joining some other government. We have always tried to remain completely and utterly neutral. It's bad for business to discriminate, you understand. But this Arius guy is fully convinced that this new government out by Bakura is the way things should be, or is at least a better choice than the Galactic Empire." Mikael leaned back in his seat and added, "I obviously disagreed, until recently of course."

    "Well, enough about politics," Seoman said as he relaxed and leaned comfortably into the padded chair. "I thank you, on behalf of my stomach, for the food and on behalf of my future, for the fuel for my X-wing. Unfortunately, I think I should discuss with this Arius Benjjamin the ins and outs of what he knows about this. It looks as suspicious as a grinning Devaronian."
  19. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks! Mainly I want the kinks hammered out of this story. I've been the only one editing this thing, and there's always something I'll miss. (Like "in deed") Basically I can't do anything but edit it at the moment, because my co-author has to catch up with me before I can start the next chapter (25). If you guys help me get the kinks out now, the less I have to do when we finally complete this thing and start posting it.

    I really think people will like this story better than most of my other ones because the other ones are basically supplemental short stories, not full-scale works like this one. If you're still up for it, I'll keep going. Chapter Two introduces Miri.

    Well, thanks for the comments! I go fix my mistakes now... :)
  20. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Actually, I wasn't commenting on the division of indeed, but it should be one word. I was just agreeing with the observation. :)
  21. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    LOL! I assume both is the case. It's funny, I actually interpreted your comment as it was indended first, then looked and decided that you were probably telling me it needed to be one word. Okay, I'll get around to posting the next chapter sometime tomorrow. Thanks again!
  22. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Please, post more. Give me something to do with my last two weeks of freedom. :)
  23. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    N/P. First thing in the morning. I promise. I wouldn't want you wasting your last two weeks of freedom, after all. :)
  24. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Hey there! Here's chapter 2, ready and waiting for some critiquing.(sp?) Have at it!

    __________________________________

    CHAPTER 2


    Four Nebulon B-4 frigates pulled into the Hapes system. They immediately launched fighters, a variety of them. Some were stock: E-wings, Y-wings, and TIE Interceptors. Others were a disgusting blending of the concepts welded together to form the ugliest things in space. That is why starfighter pilots like Miriamelle Lockev referred to them as "uglies."

    Miri sat in the small seat, that was perfectly suited to her petite frame, of her NR II A-wing fighter. It wasn't as fast as some other models of the craft, but Miri couldn't complain because the Hapan Consortium saw fit to provide what they could afford, not what they needed. Besides, military command took second priority to political idiots. Nevertheless, Miri did her job unflinchingly.

    "Dream squadron, tighten it up!" Miri said to the twelve fighters under her command. "Get the Y-wings first. They have the potential to damage the capital ships the most with their Proton torpedoes."

    Her wingmates tightened up their formation and the squadron adjusted its course to intercept the Y-wing bombers. Their squad had missile locks on the incoming fighters in seconds. Twenty-four concussion missiles flew towards the Y-wings and Miri almost felt sorry for the poor wishbones.

    Only one Y-wing survived the barrage and him by using the flaming debris of his vaped wingman as a shield. Miri quickly vaped him with her plasma-infused laser cannons and ordered her squadron to attack the "uglies."

    The Nebulon B-4s moved relentlessly towards the two Hapan Battledragons, eager to rack up some heavy capital ship kills. The Battledragon was a huge, round double saucer-like vessel that was easily a match for an Imperial-class Star Destroyer, but the two of them that were guarding Hapes wouldn't hold up against four B-4s with starfighter support.

    The other squadrons of enemy fighters were preying on the freighter traffic in the area. Among those freighters, leading a pack of bulk freighters away from the swarms of enemy starfighters was Miri's parents' yacht, the Light in the Darkness. A flight of E-wings decided to move in on the convoy, which was seeking shelter in the shadow of a massive Battledragon.

    They'll be safe, Miri thought to herself. After all, that Battledragon can easily finish off four E-wings. Even I can finish off four E-wings!
    "Dreams, let's finish off these uglies!"

    The squadron stayed in formation and managed, one by one, to dispose of the eyesores surrounding the area. Miri vaped a TYE-wing, a TIE eyeball cockpit fastened to two Y-wing engines. It was commonly referred to as a "DIE-wing."
    Her wingmates managed to plow through the remaining uglies with ease.
    Immediately after the last ugly died, Miri's threat indicator lit up red. She was being targeted by something. "Dreams, I have a bandit on me! Break in pairs and mix it up!"

    The squadron effortlessly moved into their pairs of wingmen. Miri, Dream One, and her partner Pross, Dream Two veered port and executed a roll that was intended to make it difficult for her enemies to continue tracking them with their weapons. The light remained on even after she had been dodging for a while. It wasn't much longer until she saw tachyon shots beginning to rain down around her.

    Miri knew that was a big problem for her. Tachyon weaponry was very expensive, but well worth the investment, because they would render her layered shields completely useless. Even phasing shields were only a small help against them. The fact that these pirates had starfighters equipped with them meant that they either had money or were backed by someone who did.

    "He's got me tight Two! Need a little help!" Miri spoke into her comm. Her voice conveyed immediate need, but not fear. Miri wasn't afraid of anything on her turf, and her turf was a lightfight in the cockpit of a fighter.

    "Sorry, One, I've got one
  25. LanceJade Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 4
    I wont even begin to comment!!! I need to get my chapters done so you all can start pounding on them. The prolog was actually pretty good. I was looking for a dynamic entrance to the story. Orion, feel free to add the Imp. portions when they come up. I will have my chapter's to you soon so that we can get this going.
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