Critique this: an excerpt from "Shadows of Liberty"

Four Nebulon B-4 frigates pulled into the Hapes system. They immediately launched fighters, a variety of them. Some were stock: E-wings, Y-wings, and TIE Interceptors. Others were a disgusting blending of the concepts welded together to form the ugliest things in space. That is why starfighter pilots like Miriamelle Lockev referred to them as "uglies."

Miri sat in the small seat, that was perfectly suited to her petite frame, of her NR II A-wing fighter. It wasn't as fast as some other models of the craft, but Miri couldn't complain because the Hapan Consortium saw fit to provide what they could afford, not what they needed. Besides, military command took second priority to political idiots. Nevertheless, Miri did her job unflinchingly.

"Dream squadron, tighten it up!" Miri said to the twelve fighters under her command. "Get the Y-wings first. They have the potential to damage the capital ships the most with their Proton torpedoes."

Dream squadron?

Her wingmates tightened up their formation and the squadron adjusted its course to intercept the Y-wing bombers. Their squad had missile locks on the incoming fighters in seconds. Twenty-four concussion missiles flew towards the Y-wings and Miri almost felt sorry for the poor wishbones.

Only one Y-wing survived the barrage and him by using the flaming debris of his vaped wingman as a shield. Miri quickly vaped him with her plasma-infused laser cannons and ordered her squadron to attack the "uglies."

The Nebulon B-4s moved relentlessly towards the two Hapan Battledragons, eager to rack up some heavy capital ship kills. The Battledragon was a huge, round double saucer-like vessel that was easily a match for an Imperial-class Star Destroyer, but the two of them that were guarding Hapes wouldn't hold up against four B-4s with starfighter support.

The other squadrons of enemy fighters were preying on the freighter traffic in the area. Among those freighters, leading a pack of bulk freighters away from the swarms of enemy starfighters was Miri's parents' yacht, the Light in the Darkness. A flight of E-wings decided to move in on the convoy, which was seeking shelter in the shadow of a massive Battledragon.

They'll be safe, Miri thought to herself. After all, that Battledragon can easily finish off four E-wings. Even I can finish off four E-wings!
"Dreams, let's finish off these uglies!"

The squadron stayed in formation and managed, one by one, to dispose of the eyesores surrounding the area. Miri vaped a TYE-wing, a TIE eyeball cockpit fastened to two Y-wing engines. It was commonly referred to as a "DIE-wing."
Her wingmates managed to plow through the remaining uglies with ease.
Immediately after the last ugly died, Miri's threat indicator lit up red. She was being targeted by something. "Dreams, I have a bandit on me! Break in pairs and mix it up!"

The squadron effortlessly moved into their pairs of wingmen. Miri, Dream One, and her partner Pross, Dream Two veered port and executed a roll that was intended to make it difficult for her enemies to continue tracking them with their weapons. The light remained on even after she had been dodging for a while. It wasn't much longer until she saw tachyon shots beginning to rain down around her.

Miri knew that was a big problem for her. Tachyon weaponry was very expensive, but well worth the investment, because they would render her layered shields completely useless. Even phasing shields were only a small help against them. The fact that these pirates had starfighters equipped with them meant that they either had money or were backed by someone who did.

"He's got me tight Two! Need a little help!" Miri spoke into her comm. Her voice conveyed immediate need, but not fear. Miri wasn't afraid of anything on her turf, and her turf was a lightfight in the cockpit of a fighter.

"Sorry, One, I've got one on me. He's got me tight!" Two sounded more nervous than he should. He was usually confident and in control.

Two seconds later, Pross yelled, "I'm hit!

 

Melyanna, Skar,

LanceJade is my co-author. He wrote the Prologue, and the next chapter I'll be posting, that being Chapter 3. I'll of course wait until one of you (or anybody else that feels the need to comment) does something with Chapter 2. Later!

 

Orion, I think I'd agree that the dialog in that section needs a re-write. It is awkward... but at this point I don't have any specific suggestions.

 

Thanks Melyanna and Lance. Uh, I picked "Dream" Squadron because the world of Hapes is constantly surrounded by light. There's never any night there. Dreams, darkness, night, those are all foreign and somewhat frightening to a Hapan. Our counterpart may be "nightmare". I got this info from "Cracken's Threat Dossier".

Other than that, I would completely agree. I'll get to work revising later. My computer at school just DIED, so it'll have to wait a bit... You probably won't see much of me today. I'm at work right now, and on lunch, so I have time to kill.

 

I consulted my brother, my resident Star Wars expert, and he thought that Dream Squadron was a pretty cool name. I just thought of Care Bears when I heard it. As long as you don't have one named Cloud Squadron, it'll all be okay.

 

Weee, This is cloud squadron and thats heart squadron....

 

LOL! Okay, I'll post chapter three later today. Yesterday I was sick and was told to go home from work, but apparently my network cable decided to die on me. {sigh} If it isn't my operating system disappearing (we fixed it BTW), it's something else.

I'll go buy a new one after work and hope that it works (and that the problem isn't my network card).

 

Well, here's chapter 3. This one's courtesy of my co-author, LanceJade. Have at it guys! BTW, thanks for your patience while I've been having "technical difficulties".

CHAPTER 3


The room was dark and quiet as an opposing figure stood at attention waiting. His mission had been a success. All objectives completed. Yet, he wasn't excited about it. Actually, the man was angry. He had been ordered to report to the debriefing room over two standard hours ago. Normally, the ship's executive officer met with him immediately and released him quickly so that he could meet with his squadron.

As with Imperial procedure, Commander Talon Reeves had stood at military attention until the door opened and he was released to rest position. Two hours of standing wasn't a problem. The problem was that it was a complete waste of time.

The two-meter tall human officer was becoming quite annoyed with waiting. Every second that ticked by was another waste of valuable time. Time which could be spent training with his squadron or working on his TIE Advanced starfighter.

Without notice the door opened and the lights increased from sensing the motion. Talon's green eyes grew wider for a moment and he began to salute, but he cut himself short when he saw who it was.

Before Talon stood a wiry boy in a crisp, perfect Lieutenant's uniform. An Imperial Intelligence uniform.

The boy smiled at Talon and attempted to wave him to his seat.
"Please Commander, sit, relax. We have some things to go over." The Lieutenant said.

Talon glared at him and said, as he tugged on his black mynock-leather Imperial flight jacket, "I did not wait here for a chat over some Elom chockdar, Lieutenant."

The Intelligence officer bit back. "With all due respect Commander, I did not get assigned to this backwater convoy to have your complete and utter incompetence blow the assigned mission and make me look bad!"

Talon was stunned. He ran his hands through his perfectly groomed and regulation length dark brown hair, which would have passed for black in any room other than this well-lit chamber, and inhaled sharply to calm his anger then raised his voice and said, "Blow the mission! What in the Force are you talking about?"

The Lieutenant glacially activated a panel on the room's holo display. "Do you recognize this ship?"

Of course, bantha brains! Talon instead replied, with more control than his previous outburst would have suggested, "Yes, that is the Strike Cruiser Raptor."
The Lieutenant's face contorted in pure contempt. "Wrong Commander! That was the Raptor. Your flight failed to neutralize all enemy fighters in the region. The strike cruiser was killed only moments after you left your post. Explain that before I have you court-martialed."

Talon's handsome, clean-shaven face eased into a semi-relaxed smile as he said, "Easily Lieutenant. There were no other fighters in system at the time of the attack. None. Only twelve freighters and a space station. Check my fighter's logs."

Talon reached down to the holo display and activated his data log. A bright display showed that only twelve freighters and a damaged station were present. "Now Lieutenant I have things to be tending to. This log has been signed by the Captain and I really don't think your going to tell me he's lying are you?"

The boy before him glared, "No, the Captain wouldn't sign off on a lie. You on the other hand should have remained until the mission was over."

Talon made a step for the door, "Why, and watch the Empire kill innocent civilians? I have enough blood on my hands!"

The Lieutenant snarled at him. "Your lies mean nothing to me Commander! You're going to wish you never met me!"

Talon snapped. With a shove of his hand, the holo projector flew across the table distracting the Lieutenant as he brought his XT-4 blaster pistol to the Lieutenant's temple. "If you ever threaten me again, I will pull this trigger. Now get the hell out of my sight!"

The Lieutenant visibly shook. Talon's green ey

 

Dream squadron seems good to me. But if I were in charge of creating an new starfighter squadron and I came up with the name Dream, I think it better be related to a peace-corp type squadron where all they do is help people that (supposedly) can't help themselves. Or maybe a squadron from some backwater planet that pins their hope against tyranny with the sucess of this squadron. Also, think of the effects on pilot moral in a squadron called Dream. It's a good examination and you can add that into your book. Does it cause pride like Rogue Squadron. If it does, it's probably a different level of pride. Explore in how your character interpersonalize with people how flying for Dream squadron affects them. That's the part I'd be interested in.

 

caliman, thanks for the input. I would go into more detail about that, but since this is the only time they are seen and Dream squadron is entirely wiped out in this engagement, and the fact that Miri never returnes to the Hapan starfighter corps (sorry for the spoiler), I don't have a lot of room to build background on it.

I may add a paragraph or two indicating Miri's pride in her squadron, though. That is definitely something that is do-able. The primary starfighter squadron in this piece is Liberty Squadron. And I definitely go into why the name is chosen, the morale of the pilots, the way the pilots interact with each other, and a lot of the dynamics of an elite unit such as Rogue squadron. As of this point in the story it isn't even formed yet. I'm just introducing characters and background at this point.

Thanks again for your input!

 

Here goes...

The room was dark and quiet as an opposing figure stood at attention waiting. His mission had been a success. All objectives completed. Yet, he wasn't excited about it. Actually, the man was angry. He had been ordered to report to the debriefing room over two standard hours ago. Normally, the ship's executive officer met with him immediately and released him quickly so that he could meet with his squadron.

Imposing, not opposing.

As with Imperial procedure, Commander Talon Reeves had stood at military attention until the door opened and he was released to rest position. Two hours of standing wasn't a problem. The problem was that it was a complete waste of time.

You might consider changing this character's first name. There's already a Talon in the EU, namely Talon Karrde.

The two-meter tall human officer was becoming quite annoyed with waiting. Every second that ticked by was another waste of valuable time. Time which could be spent training with his squadron or working on his TIE Advanced starfighter.

Without notice the door opened and the lights increased from sensing the motion. Talon's green eyes grew wider for a moment and he began to salute, but he cut himself short when he saw who it was.

Before Talon stood a wiry boy in a crisp, perfect Lieutenant's uniform. An Imperial Intelligence uniform.

The boy smiled at Talon and attempted to wave him to his seat.
"Please Commander, sit, relax. We have some things to go over." The Lieutenant said.

Talon glared at him and said, as he tugged on his black mynock-leather Imperial flight jacket, "I did not wait here for a chat over some Elom chockdar, Lieutenant."

The Intelligence officer bit back. "With all due respect Commander, I did not get assigned to this backwater convoy to have your complete and utter incompetence blow the assigned mission and make me look bad!"

Talon was stunned. He ran his hands through his perfectly groomed and regulation length dark brown hair, which would have passed for black in any room other than this well-lit chamber, and inhaled sharply to calm his anger then raised his voice and said, "Blow the mission! What in the Force are you talking about?"

The Lieutenant glacially activated a panel on the room's holo display. "Do you recognize this ship?"

Of course, bantha brains! Talon instead replied, with more control than his previous outburst would have suggested, "Yes, that is the Strike Cruiser Raptor."

The Lieutenant's face contorted in pure contempt. "Wrong Commander! That was the Raptor. Your flight failed to neutralize all enemy fighters in the region. The strike cruiser was killed only moments after you left your post. Explain that before I have you court-martialed."

Talon's handsome, clean-shaven face eased into a semi-relaxed smile as he said, "Easily Lieutenant. There were no other fighters in system at the time of the attack. None. Only twelve freighters and a space station. Check my fighter's logs."

Talon reached down to the holo display and activated his data log. A bright display showed that only twelve freighters and a damaged station were present. "Now Lieutenant I have things to be tending to. This log has been signed by the Captain and I really don't think your going to tell me he's lying are you?"

The boy before him glared, "No, the Captain wouldn't sign off on a lie. You on the other hand should have remained until the mission was over."

Talon made a step for the door, "Why, and watch the Empire kill innocent civilians? I have enough blood on my hands!"

The Lieutenant snarled at him. "Your lies mean nothing to me Commander! You're going to wish you never met me!"

Talon snapped. With a shove of his hand, the holo projector flew across the table distracting the Lieutenant as he brought his XT-4 blaster pistol to the Lieutenant's temple. "If you ever threaten me again, I will pull this trigger. Now get the hell out of my sight!"

The Lieutenant visibly shook. Talon's green eyes were full of fire

 

Thanks Melyanna!

I think we'll stick w/ the name though. This is about seventy five years after Vector Prime, so the other Talon isn't around to object. Besides, we need someone there to fill that name void...

Any extra help/suggestions on how to stop the beginning from being choppy?

Yes, I know, commas are my friend... I'll try adding some.

Thanks!

 

Mmmmm... commas are always good. As for the choppiness (sp?) I guess I could present the argument that it is the Imperial navy... but thats just a natural defense. any other suggestions on this one?

 

Okay, this one is the edits I did on Chapter two, since that one needed the most work. Let me know what you think of the revisions. A complete play-by-play isn't necessary, but an overview of what you think about the changes would be helpful. I'll post additions/changes in blue just to help you out.

CHAPTER 2


Four Nebulon B-4 frigates pulled into the Hapes system. They immediately launched fighters, a variety of them. Some were stock: E-wings, Y-wings, TIE Interceptors, and T-wings. Others were a disgusting blending of the concepts welded together to form the ugliest things in space. That is why starfighter pilots like Miriamelle Lockev referred to them as ?uglies.?

Miri sat in the small seat, perfectly suited to her petite frame, of her NR II A-wing fighter. It wasn?t as fast as some other models of the craft, but Miri couldn?t complain because the Hapan Consortium saw fit to provide what they could afford, not what they needed. Besides, military command took second priority to political idiots. Nevertheless, Miri did her job unflinchingly.

?Dream squadron, tighten it up!? Miri said to the twelve fighters under her command. ?Get the Y-wings first. They have the potential to damage the capital ships the most with their Proton torpedoes.?
Her wingmates tightened up their formation and the squadron adjusted its course to intercept the Y-wing bombers. Their squad had missile locks on the incoming fighters in seconds. Twenty-four concussion missiles flew towards the Y-wings and Miri almost felt sorry for the poor wishbones.

Only one Y-wing survived the barrage and him by using the flaming debris of his vaped wingman as a shield. Miri quickly vaped him with her plasma cannons and ordered her squadron to attack the ?uglies.?

Miri almost felt sorry for the uglies. Dream Squadron was one of the best A-wing units in the Hapan Consortium, thanks largely to its commander. Miri held nothing but pride for herself and her squadron and it?s accomplishments.

In the time they spent training as a unit, they?d surpassed the scores of the other units by lightyears, despite the fact that they?d only seen combat once prior to the battle they were engaged in now.

Nevertheless, that one fight had been a route, and Dream Squadron had lost none of it?s craft or pilots. That was an amazing accomplishment that had already earned them a reputation that Miri intended to keep.

The Nebulon B-4s moved relentlessly towards the two Hapan Bat-tledragons, eager to rack up some heavy capital ship kills. The Battledragon was a huge, round double saucer-like vessel that was easily a match for an Imperial-class Star Destroyer, but the two of them that were guarding Hapes wouldn?t hold up against four B-4s with starfighter support.

The other squadrons of enemy fighters were preying on the freighter traffic in the area. Among those freighters, leading a pack of bulk freighters away from the swarms of enemy starfighters was Miri?s parents? yacht, the Light in the Darkness. A flight of E-wings decided to move in on the convoy, which was seeking shelter in the shadow of a massive Battledragon.
They?ll be safe, Miri thought to herself. After all, that Battledragon can easily finish off four E-wings. Even I can finish off four E-wings! ?Dreams, let?s finish off these uglies!?

The squadron stayed in formation and managed one after one, to dispose of the eyesores surrounding the area. Miri vaped a TYE-wing, a TIE eyeball cockpit fastened to two Y-wing engines. It was commonly referred to as a ?DIE-wing.? Her wingmates managed to plow through the remaining uglies with ease.

Immediately after the last ugly died, Miri?s threat indicator lit up red. She was being targeted by something. ?Dreams, I have a bandit on me! Break in pairs and mix it up!?

The squadron effortlessly moved into their pairs of wingmen. Miri, Dream One, and her partner Pross, Dream Two veered port and executed a roll that was intended to make it difficult for her enemies to

 

Great work. You didn't want a play-by-play so you ain't getting one! Nevertheless I don't see the need for one. You are an excellent writer. Space-battles can be very hard to make seem right but you do it well.
More power to ya!

Bye

 

Nice update. One thing though...toward the beginning you used "it's". That should be "its" (not a contraction). Just a picky grammatical side note.

 

thanks guys! BTW Melyanna, that wasn't a picky side note... I didn't want to say "it is", so "its" is corect. Thanks! It'd (is it'd a legal contraction BTW?) have taken me a while to spot that one. I'll post chapter four today. I'm not sure if I'll post all of it, as it's rather long, but I'll at least post the first part of it for you guys to play with.

Thanks again for all your help getting this piece ironed out properly! Later!

 

Okay, I ended up posting all of it. Bring on the criticism... constructively, of course. Thanks!

CHAPTER 4


Orion Star looked fondly on the twenty-four fighter craft sitting bright, shiny, and brand new in his hangar bay on the Nova. A smile erupted on his face. He approached one of the X-wings, a recently built JX II, and ran his hand down the spotless fuselage.

They were gorgeous craft. Painted in the colors of his personal fleet, a dark, almost black, blue base with bold forest green striping, they were pleasant to look at. These renditions of the JX II also sported four quad-linked tachyon repeater cannons. Another smile blossomed on Orion's face.

The development of tachyon weaponry occurred over sixty years ago. They were a major contributing factor to the way the galaxy turned out after the Dark War. Without them, it is doubtful that the Imperial Remnant and the New Republic would have even had a chance militarily against the Vong.

A beautiful device, they made shields nearly useless, being able to disrupt and punch through both shields and hull with little resistance. However, they were very expensive and starfighter sized models of the weapon were grossly overpriced. Nevertheless, Orion held firm to the belief that when you form an elite squadron you give them weapons worthy of their hard-earned skills.

The starfighter corps, in Orion's mind, formed the backbone of any naval force. Battles could be won or lost because of the actions of a single starfighter. An elite squadron, a squadron made up of the best, brightest, and brashest pilots, was something Orion noticed he was lacking.

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of pirates more than the sight of a feared starfighter squadron coming into their system, in perfect formation, guns charged and shields up, ready to kick their Wookie butts right out of the space they occupy. Except maybe a Super Star Destroyer bearing down on them. However, since the Empyrion is still being worked on, that option isn't one that will be used soon.

Orion moved over to one of the brand new, specially designed ZR IV A-wing starfighters. Clothed in the same glorious colors as the X-wings, they shone with the newness of fresh paint. Orion patted the hull of one as he inspected it.

These A-wing starfighters were a modification to the aging design. A modification that Orion had a personal hand in. Orion had always admired the A-wing for its speed, maneuverability, and wide range of uses if employed properly. However, with the surge of new technology being produced, the A-wing models had fallen behind and stayed there, until now. Orion had personally invested a substantial sum of funds into the creation and design of these fighters.

These twelve A-wings were the fastest ships in the galaxy. Designed to outfly the few but feared TIE Defenders of the Empire, yet still remain a stable platform for strike missions, Orion had spent countless hours in a simulator flying prototype programs for the craft until he was convinced it was perfect. These ships, with the right pilot at the stick, could take any other starfighter out there and Orion had vested a large amount of money on that belief.

Their armament was equally impressive. Two tachyon repeater cannons were the craft's primary weapon. Orion had maintained the rotating functions of the guns and improved them. The advanced targeting computer would now allow for near-perfect accuracy while aiming directly behind the ship. The guns could swivel 30 degrees horizontally, and could rotate vertically 360 degrees as opposed to the NR II and RZ model's 180 degrees.

The craft's missile complement had been improved as well. The older versions boasted a large concussion missile payload that had allowed for a quick advantage in starfighter engagements. Orion had maintained the original concept for those launchers, but had reduced them into one launcher located directly center and on the dorsal side. The craft's payload was reduced to half its former complement of missi

 

Where are my faithful critics? Have they finally deserted me to a fate worse than death, a piece ridden with grammatical and stylisitc errors? I sure hope not.

 

Orion, I'll get on this first thing tomorrow, I promise. And I doubt there are spelling and mechanics errors.

 

Yesterday I wondered why I hadn't read through this yet. Then I saw how long it is.

-------


Orion Star looked fondly on the twenty-four fighter craft sitting bright, shiny, and brand new in his hangar bay on the Nova . A smile erupted on his face. He approached one of the X-wings, a recently built JX II, and ran his hand down the spotless fuselage.

They were gorgeous craft. Painted in the colors of his personal fleet, a dark, almost black, blue base with bold forest green striping, they were pleasant to look at. These renditions of the JX II also sported four quad-linked tachyon repeater cannons. Another smile blossomed on Orion's face.

The development of tachyon weaponry occurred over sixty years ago. They were a major contributing factor to the way the galaxy turned out after the Dark War. Without them, it is doubtful that the Imperial Remnant and the New Republic would have even had a chance militarily against the Vong.

A beautiful device, they made shields nearly useless, being able to disrupt and punch through both shields and hull with little resistance. However, they were very expensive and starfighter sized models of the weapon were grossly overpriced. Nevertheless, Orion held firm to the belief that when you form an elite squadron you give them weapons worthy of their hard-earned skills.

The starfighter corps, in Orion's mind, formed the backbone of any naval force. Battles could be won or lost because of the actions of a single starfighter. An elite squadron, a squadron made up of the best, brightest, and brashest pilots, was something Orion noticed he was lacking.

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of pirates more than the sight of a feared starfighter squadron coming into their system, in perfect formation, guns charged and shields up, ready to kick their Wookie butts right out of the space they occupy. Except maybe a Super Star Destroyer bearing down on them. However, since the Empyrion is still being worked on, that option isn't one that will be used soon.

Wookiee.

Orion moved over to one of the brand new, specially designed ZR IV A-wing starfighters. Clothed in the same glorious colors as the X-wings, they shone with the newness of fresh paint. Orion patted the hull of one as he inspected it.

These A-wing starfighters were a modification to the aging design. A modification that Orion had a personal hand in. Orion had always admired the A-wing for its speed, maneuverability, and wide range of uses if employed properly. However, with the surge of new technology being produced, the A-wing models had fallen behind and stayed there, until now. Orion had personally invested a substantial sum of funds into the creation and design of these fighters.

These twelve A-wings were the fastest ships in the galaxy. Designed to outfly the few but feared TIE Defenders of the Empire, yet still remain a stable platform for strike missions, Orion had spent countless hours in a simulator flying prototype programs for the craft until he was convinced it was perfect. These ships, with the right pilot at the stick, could take any other starfighter out there and Orion had vested a large amount of money on that belief.

Their armament was equally impressive. Two tachyon repeater cannons were the craft's primary weapon. Orion had maintained the rotating functions of the guns and improved them. The advanced targeting computer would now allow for near-perfect accuracy while aiming directly behind the ship. The guns could swivel 30 degrees horizontally, and could rotate vertically 360 degrees as opposed to the NR II and RZ model's 180 degrees.

The craft's missile complement had been improved as well. The older versions boasted a large concussion missile payload that had allowed for a quick advantage in starfighter engagements. Orion had maintained the original concept for those launchers, but had reduced them into one launcher located directly center and on the dorsal side. The craft's payload was reduced to half its former complement of missiles, but Ori

 

Please don't post another that long in a single post. I had to cut my comments short at the end because it wouldn't let me post that long of a post.

 

Sorry 'bout that. I'll break up the longer chapters into two or three parts next time. It'd probably make it easier on all parties involved. Thanks for tackling the last one anyways!

BTW, What hyphen did I miss?

Later!

 

About three paragraphs before that comment. "Plan-ning".

 

Whoops! Well, in a post that size I guess I was gonna miss at least one. I'll post some of chapter 5 today. That one's LJ's. Catcha later! Thanks!