Critique this: an excerpt from "Shadows of Liberty"

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Writing Resource' started by Orion_Star, Aug 1, 2001.

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  1. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Okay guys, give this one a hit from a Prax "blast and smash" energy rifle and see if it holds together...

    CHAPTER 5


    A quiet breeze blew past Captain Annette Micton and tousled her hair, currently dyed brown from its original shade of blonde, as she stepped out onto her balcony overlooking the Great Hall. From there her blue eyes, made such a color by the specialized lenses she was wearing, easily made notice of the hun-dreds of security craft and the steady stream of senators and observers attempting to attend the historical Senate meeting. In an attempt to notice anything unusual with her trained eye, Annette removed a small microbinocular unit and quickly scanned a section of the crowd, looking for trouble.

    Earlier today, Senate President Brunster had officially announced plans to resign from the position of President at the end of his term, a term that would end in four standard months. As a Captain in the Imperial Intelligence Agency, Annette had known many secrets of the President, but had never suspected that any member of the media would have those secrets made known to them. The media would have continued down its blissful trail of ignorance if it hadn?t been for Admiral Mikel Garret.

    Admiral Garret had caused huge complications for the Agency when his allies quickly overthrew former Grand Admiral Krellick. Although the Agency still had no proof that Garret had been behind any of the actually rebel actions, he was still the number one suspect. All that the Agency knew for sure was that over seventy-five senators had been killed or were missing and that Krellick had been killed in the middle of a secret council meeting. Dissenting factions within the Imperial military had then destroyed the building the meeting had been held in, with a devastating missile attack. Then Vice Admiral Garret had moved in immediately to squall any unrest by the ?revolutionaries.? Days later, the Senate had promoted Garret to a full Admiral and placed him in command of the Capitol Sector.

    It reeked of ?set up?, but in all reality, Annette liked the new Admiral. He knew how to play the game and he stood for something. If only the Agency could figure out what that something was. That was one of her assignments this evening.

    Annette replaced her binoculars into their easily accessible strap inside the briefcase that was part of her current identity. ?Storm Watch Six to team leads, be advised, making approach.? Annette spoke into a wrist comm while turning towards the stairs.

    * * *

    Secretary of Imperial Security Services, Renae Nedza stepped out of the turbo lift quickly. Two heavily armed agents flanked her as she stormed towards the awaiting command center. The bulkhead seemed to rush to get out of her way as they entered the room.

    Nedza assessed the room quickly with her icy glare. Around the command post were many agents working on various systems and equipment doing their best to monitor the events. Just as it should be.

    ?Ensign Wiltaker, what is the status of that last transmission?? Nedza demanded without preamble.

    The Ensign turned slightly to acknowledge her presence, but continued to concentrate on his display. ?Ma?am, we intercepted a coded transmission which was in the bandwidths that only the Admiralty and the Intelligence Agency uses. We estimate its location to be within half a klick from the Sen-ate. We broke most of the coding and got most of the message. It seems to indicate that something is moving in. No voice match on record. They have drang good tech, Ma?am.?

    The Ensign continued his work, ignoring the Secretary?s look of displeasure. Nedza moved to the center of the room where a large holo display rested. After keying in her orders, the unit projected a display of the real time air space above the Great Hall. ?Ensign, how many units do we have in the air right now over the Hall? And how many units do we have inside?? The woman began adjusting her blonde hair, which had been rolled into a bun at the nape of her neck as she impatiently awaited
  2. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    You do like long posts, don't you?

    This one will have to wait until morning if I review it. Of course, others are welcome to post their comments. It doesn't have to be just me. :D
  3. Fluke_Groundwalker Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 11, 2001
    star 5
    A quiet breeze blew past Captain Annette Micton and tousled her hair, currently dyed brown from its original shade of blonde, as she stepped out onto her balcony overlooking the Great Hall. From there her blue eyes, made such a color by the specialized lenses she was wearing, easily made notice of the hun-dreds of security craft and the steady stream of senators and observers attempting to attend the historical Senate meeting. In an attempt to notice anything unusual with her trained eye, Annette removed a small microbinocular unit and quickly scanned a section of the crowd, looking for trouble.

    No hyphen in ?hundreds.?

    Earlier today, Senate President Brunster had officially announced plans to resign from the position of President at the end of his term, a term that would end in four standard months. As a Captain in the Imperial Intelligence Agency, Annette had known many secrets of the President, but had never suspected that any member of the media would have those secrets made known to them. The media would have continued down its blissful trail of ignorance if it hadn?t been for Admiral Mikel Garret.

    Admiral Garret had caused huge complications for the Agency when his allies quickly overthrew former Grand Admiral Krellick. Although the Agency still had no proof that Garret had been behind any of the actually rebel actions, he was still the number one suspect. All that the Agency knew for sure was that over seventy-five senators had been killed or were missing and that Krellick had been killed in the middle of a secret council meeting. Dissenting factions within the Imperial military had then destroyed the building the meeting had been held in, with a devastating missile attack. Then Vice Admiral Garret had moved in immediately to squall any unrest by the ?revolutionaries.? Days later, the Senate had promoted Garret to a full Admiral and placed him in command of the Capitol Sector.

    It should be ?actual?, and not ?actually.? Hyphen between ?Vice Admiral.? It should be ?Vice-Admiral.?

    It reeked of ?set up?, but in all reality, Annette liked the new Admiral. He knew how to play the game and he stood for something. If only the Agency could figure out what that something was. That was one of her assignments this evening.

    Annette replaced her binoculars into their easily accessible strap inside the briefcase that was part of her current identity. ?Storm Watch Six to team leads, be advised, making approach.? Annette spoke into a wrist comm while turning towards the stairs.

    * * *

    Secretary of Imperial Security Services, Renae Nedza stepped out of the turbo lift quickly. Two heavily armed agents flanked her as she stormed towards the awaiting command center. The bulkhead seemed to rush to get out of her way as they entered the room.

    No space between ?turbo lift.?

    Nedza assessed the room quickly with her icy glare. Around the command post were many agents working on various systems and equipment doing their best to monitor the events. Just as it should be.

    ?Ensign Wiltaker, what is the status of that last transmission?? Nedza demanded without preamble.

    The Ensign turned slightly to acknowledge her presence, but continued to concentrate on his display. ?Ma?am, we intercepted a coded transmission which was in the bandwidths that only the Admiralty and the Intelligence Agency uses. We estimate its location to be within half a klick from the Sen-ate. We broke most of the coding and got most of the message. It seems to indicate that something is moving in. No voice match on record. They have drang good tech, Ma?am.?

    No hyphen in ?Senate.? ?Drang??

    The Ensign continued his work, ignoring the Secretary?s look of displeasure. Nedza moved to the center of the room where a large holo display rested. After keying in her orders, the unit projected a display of the real time air space above the Great Hall. ?Ensign, how many units do we have in the air right now over the Hall? And how many units do we have inside?? T
  4. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks. The extra hyphens are ones I didn't notice when I posted from Word into the post. I usually edit most of them out, but one or two slip by me... thanks. I'll get to work fixing those mistakes.

    Melyanna, this is about half the chapter... well, maybe three fifths of it. The rest I'll post tomorrow sometime. Thanks!
  5. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Here's the rest of chapter 5. Thanks!

    * * *

    The reports continued to flood into Mikel Garret's earcomm but he paid little attention. All of the Senate was in attendance and all of the Admirals were present. The President was set to resign tonight after pushing some last minute reforms.

    President Brunster had asked Mikel to outline the new reforms. Most of them focused on reducing the power the military had and increasing the authority of Senate.

    Brunster and Garret stood in a small hallway the entered the Great Hall below the senate seating. Directly behind the President stood a compliment of naval troops. Most of them were unarmored stormtroopers who Garret assigned to his personal detail. All of them were ready for anything considering the unstable atmosphere of the Capital. Only weeks before the same squad had been busy routing out rebellious factions who had set ablaze to many government buildings. Tonight though, they were just there to protect the leaving President. With no current reliable presidential security, Garret had felt it prudent to ready his troops.

    A buzz came across Garret's comlink, "Admiral, the Senate has seated. The Admiral's caucus is also ready."

    Acknowledging with a double click to the com, Garret turned to Brunster. "Sir, the senate is ready for you. Would you please lead the way?"

    "Of course Admiral. Thank you for honoring me with your willingness to address the Senate. I'm afraid that the Senate is no longer interested in listening to me and the Admirals are interested only in credits and power."

    Garret frowned. "Perhaps Sir, this is something we really can change. Tonight will be key in reducing the power that the Grand Admirals have collected over the past fifteen years."

    President Brunster just smiled sadly and motioned for them to continue. The squad of troopers stood around them as they began to walk the tunnel that entered into the Great Hall. The entrance from the tunnel was directly in front of the Senate chairs.

    Half of the troopers spread to the sides of the tunnel while the others on full alert fanned through the doors onto the Senate floor.

    Following them, President Brunster arrived onto the floor under hiss of surprise and then near anger. The people had seen enough of corruption from its High Council and the President was the focus of the anger. Brunster looked up to the Senate and then stepped to the side as Grand Admiral Garret came through the doorway.

    The Hall became as quiet as a pin drop for a few moments of stunned recognition. The President and Admiral Garret had entered the hall together.
    Garret turned to President Brunster and spoke reassuringly, but with the power of a seasoned officer.

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, Ministers, Secretaries, people of the Senate. I am proud to give you, the President of the Galactic Empire."

    While most realized that it was just a formality, it was one that reached across most ideological lines. The same Hall which had just sneered in quiet anger at the President erupted in applause and shouting.

    Garret walked over the Brunster. "Sir, it's time we take our places."


    * * *

    Captain Micton could not believe her eyes. The Admiral had just effectively overpowered the Senate in a few words. "Overlord, what is the status?"
    Her earrings, undetectable and disguised comm devices, buzzed quietly. "Captain, we have sources that indicate the Admiral has not taken any steps to overtake the local security. We have confirmation that the Admiral removed the ISS for reasons of presidential security."

    Annette stepped off the riser carefully and moved in with the media personnel who were covering the story, as her present identity should have. In front of her, President Brunster and Admiral Garret took their places on the High Council seating.

    The President looked behind him to the Caucus and then around him to the members of the Senate. "This Senate is now in session." The gavel then hit the automated silencer. A computer that allowed Hall members to address the Senate
  6. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Just making sure you guys noticed this one...
  7. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Sorry for the delay.

    I honestly don't see a need for much of anything. If you want me to reread some spot, tell me, but I didn't find anything wrong with it. :D
  8. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks again. Was it easy for you to follow what was happening? Was it at least clear that we're setting the stage for something to happen on the Imperial side of things?
  9. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    It works quite well, I think.
  10. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Here the next section. PLEASE CRITIQUE!

    CHAPTER 6


    The newly minted Commanders passed time doing what they did best: fighting. As the unbelievably agile A-wing slipped in behind his JX II, Seoman couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't get an edge over the young woman on his tail. She's just too good, that's why.

    Seoman, as tachyon shots began filling space he had previously occupied, decided that he needed to prove he could take her down at least once. The two had been sparring for hours, had run through about fifteen sims, and she had taken him every time. Seoman was beginning to get a little discouraged at the prospect of loosing to his XO regularly.

    A shot finally hit his aft shields, which, thankfully, held up. It was only a graze. I should be able to hold out a little while longer. "Sabacc, boost power to engines. I'm gonna try something crazy." The droid whistled an affirmative and a comment about being used to him by now and Seoman began to pull a little farther away from Miri.

    Still jinking crazily, Seoman managed to evade the ever-present tachyon fire raining around him. As he reach a distance of one klick away from her, he slammed his throttle back to almost nothing, hit his right rudder pedal a little to swerve out of the way of another shot, then slammed his left pedal, spinning him around one hundred eighty degrees. Miri sped past, moving too quickly to slow down in time.

    I don't have much time now. Seoman kept the pressure on the pedal until he completed a three hundred sixty-degree turn then slammed his throttle forward and armed his Proton torpedoes. Miri began swinging around to line him up in her sights as Seoman spitted her in his targeting box. Sabacc whistled a constant tone as Seoman achieved a red lock. Seoman depressed the trigger and held it until two torpedoes launched at Miri.

    The A-wing slipped quickly into an evasive maneuver that shook the first torp, but the second plastered itself onto her vector and pulled up after her. Seoman had his chance. He switched back to his tachyon cannons and linked them to fire in offset pairs.

    Coming in from a side angle, he watched as the torpedo closed and Miri expertly made a spit-second reverse direction, which caused the torpedo to circle around again. Seoman angled in and his targeting box lit up. He depressed the trigger and held it, adjusting his flight to match her speed and direction.

    His first couple shots missed as Miri juked slightly away. The next few shots ripped into her shields, and reduced them to nothing. He quad linked his tachs and pulled in right behind her. Miri was dancing an unpredictable course of jukes and jinks that Seoman had a hard time following. Seoman slowed a bit to let her gain distance and then lined up and fired.

    His quad shots ripped straight through the A-wing and the simulation shut down. Seoman, nearly breathless, took a deep breath, shut down the machine, and popped the hatch. He hopped lithely out of the machine and started helping Sabacc out of the confines of the droid slot.

    Miri walked up to him and caught his eye. He turned to face her, forgetting about Sabacc for the moment. She was wearing her form-fitting flight suit and Seoman always had to struggle at not staring. He usually failed.

    "You did well that time, Seoman. I didn't think you'd get me." She gave him a pretty smile and looked for a reply.

    Trying to make idle conversation. A good sign. "Yeah, I knew I'd get you. I figured I'd stop going easy on you and give you a challenge for once."

    She raised a curious eyebrow that disappeared behind the long blonde locks of her sweaty hair. "Oh! So the other fifteen times were just you going easy on me?" Her obvious sarcasm turned to a reprimand. "I think you need to grow up a little, Commander."

    Stang! She used my rank. Time to go evasive. "And I think you need to realize that I can take you anytime, anywhere, under any circumstances. After all, I beat you the first time we met,
  11. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    HELLO... llo... lo ... o ...?

    {Hears nothing but crickets chirping}

    Opinions anyone?
  12. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    Orion, I read over it. It looks good. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time and energy simultaneously to deal with it in-depth. I probably will this weekend, though, if you want a play-by-play.
  13. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    If you have the time and energy simultaneously, go for it. If not, I'll post the next section tomorrow or Monday. Thanks!
  14. Skar Kjoil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 16, 2000
    star 2
    Hey, remember me. Sorry for my absence but I've recently moved location and am just now getting back to the mix of things. Nice to see things are still running smoothly, not that I doubted they wouldn't without me. Orion, you wrote a great starfight, except some of your words are hard to decipher, for me anyways. I can count five words in the starfight that I didn't know. My force is not in writting starfights so I'll blame it on that. I won't write a play-by-play because it isn't necesary. I can't find any flaws worth mentioning, except you wrote "reach" somewhere in the beginning where it should have been "reached."

    Love Sabacc's grumbiness.

    Great to find you guys again, will you let me back into your clan? (covers like a humble Noghri, if there is such a thing)

    See ya!
  15. Orion_Star Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2001
    star 2
    Hey Skar! Welcome back. Thanks for the input, BTW. I completely missed that "reach" typo.

    As far as the terms, that may be because I'm dealing with a future galaxy here and things like "tachyon cannons", "phasing shields", ect, are new technological developments. Other possibilities like jinking, and starboard, and whatnot are very starfighter specific, so you would be right in not knowing them well if that is not your forte.

    Well, thanks again and now that I've actually managed to get my school schedule under control, I may have time to post the next section. Later!
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