Before Cruel and unusual romance--Humorfic--the Jedi solution to love. Looking for two betas

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by DarthIshtar, Feb 7, 2006.

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  1. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    In honor of Valentine's Day, here's a bit of good cheer and unashamed insanity that deals with the real reason Jedi discourage love.
    *****
    It was a time-honored tradition, but something that no one particularly wanted to acknowledge. Worst of all, like most time-honored traditions, it was both an embarrassment and a service opportunity. Nevertheless, every twelfth day of the second month, the Jedi could anticipate the arrival of their assignments.

    They were delivered quietly sometime during the night without fanfare or knowledge of who dispersed the datacards. Some of the younger ones would anticipate the event with such great trepidation that they would wait until their Masters were asleep and then keep a silent vigil beside the front door.

    It was said to be one of the greatest lessons that a Jedi could learn if he applied himself properly to the task at hand, but those who had experienced it knew that it usually ended in something equivalent to heartache and tears.

    The older group was divided in its perspective, since most held sympathy for those who were not accustomed to it, but others gloated over the inexperience of their younger compatriots and took every opportunity to make the situation worse.

    The assignments pleased no one, but they were normally accepted with both resignation and obedience.

    For the most part, that is.

    Obi-Wan could remember his first assignment as if he were still twelve years old. He had been chartered by the Chandrilan delegation and it was considered both an easy task and a great honor, but he had made the mistake of attempting to blot out the entire event in a most inappropriate manner.

    To whit, he had accepted the Chandrilan cognac that was offered every few minutes in order to 'loosen up' as his Master had counseled. He had woken up the next morning half-dressed on the streets of Coruscant, head throbbing both from the hangover and the fact that he had run into Master Yoda sometime during the night.

    In the four years since that debacle, he had learned both temperance and humility in facing this challenge, but it didn't make the event any easier.

    "Stop watching the door," Qui-Gon commanded sternly. "Sitting next to it until the break of dawn won't hasten the delivery."

    "No," Obi-Wan agreed gloomily, "but I'll get first crack at it, as they say."

    He seemed to be more eager than the previous year, which suggested that he had an ulterior motive, but it was difficult these days to find a Jedi who didn't.

    "You have your eye on anything in particular this year?"

    "Not at all," Obi-wan muttered, peering intently under the crack of the door to spy the approaching messengers.

    "There is nothing to be worried about," Qui-Gon soothed. "It wil be a learning experience to say the least."

    Obi-wan turned a reproachful glare on him. "I'm sure you'd be just as anxious as I am if you hadn't been on the short-list of the Alderaanian delegation for the last thirty years."

    It was true that his assignment had been almost exclusively Alderaanian since his days as a Padawan and that was one of the more enjoyable aspects of this much-anticipated fiasco. The administrative aide that he had met in his third year and who was now the senior Senator was a good friend in particular.

    This is ridiculous.

    "Padawan," Qui-gon barked, "if you don't move in three seconds, I'm going to have to assign you to minding the younglings for the next three months."

    Within two seconds, Obi-wan had demonstrated remarkable agility in scrambling to the other side of the room.

    "I'm up! I'm up!" he yelped in obvious panic.

    "Good," Qui-Gon said calmly. "Now, let's have a sedate, civilized..."

    "Delivery!"

    They both scrambled back across the room, snatching up the datacards and heading off in opposite directions to find an available datapad.

    Obi-wan's hands were trembling so hard that he was amazed that he could even find the slot for his datacard, much less activate it, but his efforts were rewarded a few moments later when the text came on-screen.

  2. Lady_Snow_Kaguya Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 9, 2005
    star 1
    *snerk* she sounds like my friend Liz with the corset and sexy skirt....if they're the same personality wise, I have a bad feeling about this XD
  3. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    =D==D=


    I bet the Council was laughing too -- poor Obi :p

    This sounds interesting, Ish :D
  4. RK_Striker_JK_5 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 2, 2003
    star 7
    Oh, my...

    Interesting tradition, this is. I can see it, too.

    Oh, my... Poor Mace! He's dating a Wookiee? LOL!!!!

    But that's nothing compared to Obi-Wan's date. He's got a goth? Are they going to see the Cure?
  5. Noelie Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 11, 2005
    star 4
    I gotta tell you, it is a great beginning, but then you knew I thought so :)

    I agree poor Mace :), and I wish I could be a fly on a fictional wall to see Obi-wan's face!
  6. WyoJedi Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 7, 2005
    star 4
    LOL! Oh my gosh Ish, that was so funny. I have to agree with everyone else though... Mace dating a Wookiee, that is too hilarious. You have a great piece here. Love it.

    Cheers,
    Wyo
  7. SabyneAmberle Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2004
    star 3
    Great story! This'll have me smiling for hours! :D
  8. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    The Jedi had strict guidelines that forbade romantic attachments and this one excursion seemed to always devolve into the efforts of the non-Jedi party to marry one of their own to a suitable Jedi. It therefore had the effect of terrifying almost every Jedi into following the guidelines on love. [face_laugh] So that's how they do it! :p

    Can't wait to see how Obi's date goes. And Mace's too. [face_mischief]

  9. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Lady_Snow_Kaguya--The coloring (fuschia everything) is inspired by double-bassist friend Caryn who had fuschia hair, wore fuschia eyeliner and lipstick and liked clothes of a similar color. Thus the origin of the name Carmyn. And you should have an amusingly bad feeling about this.

    Layren--I think Yoda has the most laughs. Mace and the Wookiee... But then again, wait until you see Yoda's date...

    RK_Striker_JK_5--Yes, interesting tradition. And a good romantic deterrent, inspired by a yearly etiquette dinner at my church. After seeing all of us try to mind our manners, no one ever went on a date with each other... And they're not seeing The Cure, but the group name will kill you. :)

    Noelie--Awww, but I like hearing it anyway, so thanks! The fly on the fictional wall indeed.

    WyoJedi--LOL, thanks. I was aiming for relative opposites in these dates, hence straight-laced Obi-Wan with Elvira's second cousin, Mace with a Wookiee, Yoda with a...well, you'll see!

    SabyneAmberle--LOL, I like making people smile, especially for hours. :)
    Bastet--You knew all along that's how they do it...
  10. RK_Striker_JK_5 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 2, 2003
    star 7
    The group name will kill me? I don't like the sound of that.:confused:[face_worried];)

    Looking forward to Obi-Wan's date with disaster and Mace's as well.
  11. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Lady_Snow_Kaguya--The coloring (fuschia everything) is inspired by double-bassist friend Caryn who had fuschia hair, wore fuschia eyeliner and lipstick and liked clothes of a similar color. Thus the origin of the name Carmyn. And you should have an amusingly bad feeling about this.

    Layren--I think Yoda has the most laughs. Mace and the Wookiee... But then again, wait until you see Yoda's date...

    RK_Striker_JK_5--Yes, interesting tradition. And a good romantic deterrent, inspired by a yearly etiquette dinner at my church. After seeing all of us try to mind our manners, no one ever went on a date with each other... And they're not seeing The Cure, but the group name will kill you. :)

    Noelie--Awww, but I like hearing it anyway, so thanks! The fly on the fictional wall indeed.

    WyoJedi--LOL, thanks. I was aiming for relative opposites in these dates, hence straight-laced Obi-Wan with Elvira's second cousin, Mace with a Wookiee, Yoda with a...well, you'll see!

    SabyneAmberle--LOL, I like making people smile, especially for hours. :)
    Bastet--You knew all along that's how they do it...
    *****
    It wasn't like Noela to be late, but given the blizzard that had been developing all day, it was understandable that she would be held up by the inclement weather.

    He did not, however, anticipate that she would be three hours late so far.

    There had been a call filled with static and frustration sometime around 1830, which he took to mean that she was on her way, but he'd been unable to reach her ever since.

    The 23rd Hour, always patient with its longest-standing pair of patrons, had agreed to push back the reservation every half hour, but the exhibition was obviously no longer a viable option.

    Nevertheless, he would treat her with all propriety...the moment she arrived.

    While he waited, he poured two glasses of the Alderaanian green wine that she had presented to him on his birthday last year. The wait would give the liquor time to breathe and improve the flavor.

    He had just recorked the carafe when the chime rang. Stretching out with the Force, he ascertained that it was Noela in a very foul temper.

    He waved a hand at the door release, then retrieved both glasses and crossed to the entryway to give her one.

    Noela was definitely one of the more attractive Senators ever elected in the Republic, with a thick plait of golden-brown hair falling to her waist, narrow features and blue eyes that always seemed to look amused. She was an impeccable dresser and took pains to look elegant.

    Tonight, however, the Noela he knew was replaced by something looking and sounding vaguely like a drowned vrelt.

    "I tried to comm," Noela stammered through chattering teeth, "but we were broken down in the middle of the worst comm interference and there wasn't much time, between fixing..."

    He cut her off by pulling her into a tight embrace and not letting go until the warmth of his arms had lessened the shivering a bit.

    "Don't worry," he said quietly. "You can warm up here and I'll call the 23rd Hour. They've been holding our reservation."

    She pulled back, nodding. "I'm not sure we'd make it before closing," she lamented. "It's a nightmare out there and I was just coming from a few kilometers away."

    Glancing out the window at the blinding snow, he frowned. "You may be right," he conceded, "so let me see what I can do."

    "What should I do?"

    His eyes scanned over the open door to Obi-Wan's room. "I'd offer you a change of clothes from my own closet, but the slacks are probably twice as long as yourself, so I think you could avail yourself of something in Obi-Wan's closet. The 'fresher has a hot shower and clean towels..."

    She shook her head with a slightly unreadable smile, then stretched up to kiss his cheek. The spot burned unexpectedly under the touch and he arched an eyebrow at her retreating form. ?What was that for??

    ?Being nice to a drowned vrelt,? she called over her shoulder.

    Sometimes, he swore that the woman could read minds.
    *****
    Qui-gon?s first rule of
  12. RK_Striker_JK_5 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 2, 2003
    star 7
    Aaw, I think Qui-Gon's jealous! And Guillotine Nexu? Awesome name! Loved the movie name even more. So, Mace's date is a musician, it seems. And Noele's married to a guy named 'Liam'? LOL!
  13. Noelie Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 11, 2005
    star 4
    ::::choking:::: I know I didn't expect that!
  14. dm1 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 9, 2004
    star 4
    ?Engaged,? she corrected with a wistful smile. ?His name?s Liam.?

    ?Undoubtedly good-looking,? he teased. ?Otherwise he wouldn?t be worth it.?

    Her eyes sparkled with a bit of mischief. ?Not particularly,? she corrected. ?He looks a lot like you.?


    That was hilarious!!! An actor, huh? [face_laugh]
  15. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    Ooh, I want to watch Blood-sucking Padawans From the Unknown Regions. 8-}

    And that bit about Qui's girl marrying an actor named Liam was funny. :p

    Great fic. :D
  16. WyoJedi Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 7, 2005
    star 4
    Nexu Guillotine... Sounds like my kind of music.
    Blood-sucking Padawans From the Unknown Regions... Isn't that the latest Andrew Lloyd Weber production?

    Like everyone else, I found the info about Noela's fiance to be too funny. An actor named Liam... that was great.

    Cheers,
    Wyo
  17. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    LOL. Noela Ovorp is a covert reference to Noelie, the one person I know who understands Qui-Gon very well and who is a member of Provo Fanforce, which is Ovorp backwards. Therefore, my desire for her to be coveted by an actor named Liam is only natural. :) As for the Blood-sucking Padawans from the Unknown Regions is more of a reference to Christopher Lee's role in Dracula. The Nexu Guillotine is my loathing for that creature in AOTC. Creepy teeth.

    I want to watch BSPFTUR, too. :) It seemed like the silliest movie idea I could come up with without referencing Padawan Kong from the Black Lagoon. Glad you found this funny.

    Heehee, that was making fun of me because I think Liam/Qui is the most handsome man still alive. Yeah, an actor, probably from somewhere with a weird accent, eh?

    Of course you didn't and it's all your fault for coming to my desk yesterday when I was just about to write about her fiance. :)

    Of course he's jealous, but there'll be a reason why. Glad you liked the Nexu Guillotine. I just find the idea of a Wookiee trying to play a piccolo hilarious.
  18. Ara-gon Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2005
    star 2
    Too funny. Too, too funny. The whole thing is so pitch-perfect I don't know where to start.

    Mace and a Wookie. That's a mental image! Priceless!

    More soon?
  19. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    "A great friend your cousin is," Yoda said with a toothy smile, "but unaware I was that he had had such a skilled negotiatior in the family."

    It was hard to tell from this height, but she seemed to be blushing slightly. Of course, it could have been the lights of the passing transports.

    After all, he had never had a date with a neck that was longer than his entire body. To make things more interesting, Yarlin Pouf was small for her race.

    "You flatter me unnecessarily, Master Yoda," she said in a reedy voice. "I only do my duty in the Senate, as you must in your own arena."

    He nodded understandingly. "Many there are who do not care for that."

    "Many there are who do not care for the minds they've been given," she rejoined with a laugh.

    "A wise person you are," he commended. "Why chosen have you to retire this year?"

    "I wish to spend more time with my family," she explained. "We just welcomed our first great-great-great-granddaughter and time seems to be passing me by too quickly."

    "Young you are yet," he teased. "When eight hundred fifty-seven years you reach, look as good..."

    He shook his head before correcting himself. "Look much better you will."

    "Master Yoda," she chided, raising her water glass out of his line of sight, "you flatter me too much."

    "Flattery it is not," he harrumphed. "Flattery is deception, while truth this is."

    The waterglass reappeared, then came to rest on the tablecloth just before she extended one long-fingered hand to him.

    "Would you like to dance?"
    *****
    "This was a great idea," Obi-Wan enthused. "No one else was brave enough for the weather, so we've got the theater to ourselves."

    "Much better than worrying about the usual idiots wanting to test how many sticky substances they can get in my hair," Carmyn agreed. "Ever since it got past my knees, boys of all ages have seemed to have a fascination with that pasttime."

    He nodded sympathetically. "It's like the initiates' fascination with Padawan braids," he lamented. "I once was in danger of having it removed just because I got between a six-year-old and a tube of paste."

    She giggled, then clapped a hand to her mouth to stifle the sound, but he didn't feel offended in the slightest by her mirth. "What happened?"

    "They waited until it dried, then chiseled what they could off," he explained. "The rest they left on until I could wash it out with the most abrasive shampoo known to sentient beings."

    The laugh escaped her again, this time unrestrained and beautiful and he found himself wanting to hear it again.

    Stop it! You're a Jedi! A Jedi shall not know love!

    This isn't love. This is a service to an enjoyable human being.

    Isn't that the same thing?
  20. Noelie Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 11, 2005
    star 4
    What a good question Obi-wan! I wonder, just how your Master would answer that question at this very minute.
  21. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Good question. Love your sig, as I've mentioned before. Today's post is all-Qui, since I have little time to do it. :) Besides, this scene was your idea.
    *****
    "So, have you chosen the date?" Qui-Gon asked as Noela rummaged around in the refrigeration unit for something appropriately dessert-like.

    "Come now, Qui-Gon," she chided, turning a grin on him. "I didn't ask you on our twenty-fourth date to discuss wedding plans."

    "I haven't asked you what shade of fuschia your bridesmaids will be wearing or how many guests I'm allowed to drag along to the spectacle," he countered.

    "Who said you're invited at all?" she shot back.

    He just grinned. In a moment, she turned to regard him in puzzlement, half-molded custard forgotten in her hand.

    "Fuschia?"

    "Obi-Wan's date was wearing that fetching color in multiple places tonight," he explained. "Apparently, Corellia is rather...liberal in its dress code."

    She shook her head in unbridled amusement, then binned the custard with an expression of disgust. "It's Corellia," she reminded. "They're rather liberal in just about everything."

    He reached out a hand and pulled her aside before she could find her concentration again. "Go find something in the cupboards," he ordered. "You're not going to clean out my fridge on top of everything else."

    "On top of everything else," she parroted. "What everything else have I done?"

    "Kept an old man entertained," he mused, "broken his heart..."

    She grinned. "You're a bad liar."

    He wasn't sure it was a lie, but he returned the smile to be gracious.

    "Fine," she sighed. "You have all the makings of a bread pudding, so since it will be a while before my driver can get the transport deiced and back here, I'll make one of those."

    "Anything I can do to help?" he offered.

    "You didn't let me help me with the imitation-bruallki," she reminded. "I'll practice my domestic skills on my own, thank you very much."

    "As you wish, milady," he said, bowing his way out of the kitchen.

    He settled onto the couch, legs crossed as he watched her at work. She had the endearingly obnoxious habit of humming very off-key while she worked, so he tuned it out and therefore missed her question the first time.

    "Sorry," he called. "Didn't catch that."

    "I figured," she said genially. "You would have forgotten to listen to an earthquake in that state."

    "What state?" he asked curiously.

    She considered him carefully as if trying to get the exact measure of the situation. "I wouldn't call it sulking," she conceded. "Not at all, but you're in one of those deep contemplation modes where only a natural disaster will rouse you."

    She had been talking to Obi-Wan, after all.

    "So, what was your inquiry?"

    She suddenly looked very shy, which was quite uncharacteristic of her. "I wanted to know if you would give me away."

    "Pretty tough to do if I'm not invited," he said without thinking.

    That at least seemed to keep her at ease. "That's not an answer," she stated.

    It would be difficult, but it was a job he would trust to no one else. She meant too much for that.

    "It would be my honor," he stated.
  22. RK_Striker_JK_5 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 2, 2003
    star 7
    Ahh! Can't believe I missed two posts!

    Loved Yoda's date, there. A creature with a neck longer than he's tall? Sounds like Yareal's species. And Obi-Wan, the code is wrong and will get the Order purged in a few decades. Go on your feelings, man!

    Oh, poor Qui-Gon! He's got it bad, too. I can sense(and read) it. *Pats him on the back*

    Stupid code, but wonderful writing. Up!
  23. Idrelle_Miocovani Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2005
    star 6
    Oh my goodness, Ish -- THIS IS HILARIOUS! Yes, hilarious with capitals!

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    ::giggles::
  24. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    It was a rare thing to see Mace Windu in a panic, but then again, it was rare to find him being accosted by a seven-foot furball.

    Well, perhaps accosted wasn't the right word, but certainly fawned over.

    Nevertheless, it was highly amusing to watch, but Obi-Wan didn't dare mention that to the man who had invented the most aggressive form of lightsaber combat.

    The Wookiee, he had heard, was a famous concert miniature kloo-player, but you would have never guessed it.

    As it was, she seemed to be quite taken with Master Windu, but he looked as though he were being asked to do the breaststroke through a cesspit. Not that he wasn't being a gentleman--Master Windu was known for being quite personable when he made the effort--but he definitely was afraid of returning the aggressively affectionate advances of his date for the evening.

    He had wanted to shrink into his seat to avoid being noticed by the happy couple--or rather the happy Wookiee and the terrified Korun--but Carmyn had chosen the exact moment when they had become engrossed (or grossed out) by the holopic to chuck a handful of tchak-nuts at Master Windu's head.

    "Oi!" she bellowed. "Boloball!"

    The worst thing was that Master Windu actually responded to the slur.

    "Get your walking carpet to slouch a little, will you?"

    Obi-Wan chose to stare straight at his popphraig bucket, apparently fascinated by a burnt one.

    "This is a Galaxy-renowned musician, not a walking carpet," Mace said sternly. "If this is an inconvenience..."

    "You're Sithin' right it's an inconvenience," Carmyn snorted. "Right, Obi-Wan?"

    He mumbled something along the lines of "burbleburbleI'mnotgettinginvolvedinthisburbleburble" and took her hand.

    "Carmyn," he said quietly, "there are plenty of other seats in the theater. We can certainly..."

    "Expect these latecomers to occupy those," she finished. "Just whip out your lightsaber and scare them off if you have to..."

    He had the feeling that there would be lightsabers involved in the near future, but not in their intended capacity.

    "I'm sure that's not nec..."

    And then the Wookiee threw herself across the seats at his date.

    Too stunned to move, he was about to use the Force on both of them when they burst out laughing.

    From his limited understanding of Wookiee, he guessed that Mace's date was saying something about the look on his face while Carmyn was choking on laughter about boloballs.

    "I guess," she said at last, gasping for breath, "that I never introduced you to my mother's best friend..."
  25. Idrelle_Miocovani Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2005
    star 6
    It was a rare thing to see Mace Windu in a panic, but then again, it was rare to find him being accosted by a seven-foot furball.

    Well, perhaps accosted wasn't the right word, but certainly fawned over.

    Nevertheless, it was highly amusing to watch, but Obi-Wan didn't dare mention that to the man who had invented the most aggressive form of lightsaber combat.


    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Now that would be something to see!

    The Wookiee, he had heard, was a famous concert miniature kloo-player, but you would have never guessed it.

    LOL!

    As it was, she seemed to be quite taken with Master Windu, but he looked as though he were being asked to do the breaststroke through a cesspit.

    Wooo! Imagine that...

    "Get your walking carpet to slouch a little, will you?"

    "This is a Galaxy-renowned musician, not a walking carpet," Mace said sternly. "If this is an inconvenience..."


    I guess Wookiee's will always be walking carpets. :p :p

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
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