Beyond - Legends Dark underworld (Rosh Penin/Jaden Korr(small role)/Kyle Katarn(small role)/OC/ action/ adventure)

This is my piece of fanfic, PLEASE note the only reason I dont describe the main character is because I want to leave it to the imagination.

Prologue

He had lived in Coruscant all his life. Just another average, plain, unremarkable face in the crowd, just another anybody.
Del Vante.
He was always in the catacombs, rarely walking to the surface. He was one of billions who lived in a massive building that had been constantly extended since Coruscant was created, a million or so years ago. His entire family was killed by a Black Sun street gang 20 years ago. When he was 17, he joined the Coruscant police force for revenge and was dumped into a run down shack and put in charge of Precinct 729075356750767-259-762785867207265675, or otherwise known as 729-Z. He made 729-Z the deadliest precinct on Coruscant, taking out the seediest and most dangerous criminals on Coruscant, and is on the hit list of hundreds of gangs. Three years ago, his precinct became Corusant SWAT, he was finally given the chance for revenge against Black Sun.
This? is the story of one man, rising up and destroying the most lethal crimilnal organization in the galaxy... and that one mans downfall.

More coming thursday!

 

Is it really that bad?

 

Is it too large?

 

You need to post more. It's not bad, it's just that OC stories tend to get alot less attention than canon ones, but you should keep on writing.

 

Forget thusday here is chapter 1


They were preparing to assault a Black Sun Outpost. One that had all the information they needed. One that would tell them all Black Sun activities in the sector for the next 20 years.
?All right, jack up and get in!? Del shouted over the noise of 60 year old Burner-40 engines. He checked the readings on the actual ships hull. He grinned, You couldn?t call this a ship. You could call it a pile of old junk. But, everything this C-SWAT team had was junk, from Dels? 40 year old Trandoshan shotgun to T9-K2, the ancient astromech droid. He checked on his squad. All of them carried a blaster pistol and grenade belt. First there was Victoria, last name unknown, their second in command and explosives expert. She carried a Stouker class concussion rifle and a Mer-sonn missile launcher. Lanik Rayce was the firearms expert who carried the Stormtrooper rifle. Dae Necto, an arrogant Devaronian code slicer who carried a double blaster arrangement, outfitted to his white hot specifications, of course. Bit, a Bothan with the mind of a computer, rivalled in class only by a certain Voort SaBrring of fleet command. Del often wondered why Bit was with a Bantha dung C-SWAT team when he could have joined intelligence and made a fortune. Then there was the 25 year old Jedi, Rosh Penin, brought in two weeks ago to replace their combat droid. He had a cybernetic arm, a yellow lightsaber and was in constant communication with the deputy head of the Intelligence on Coruscant, one Jaden Korr. Del thought the Jedi was invaluable to the team, but wondered why he had a streak of luck lately. A Jedi and master code slicer on the same team? Del had never cared for luck, he?d never had any. But if this mission was what he thought it would be. He was sure he?d be the luckiest man alive. A chance for revenge?
A sudden crack and explosion from the cockpit snapped him out of his thoughts.
?Del!? It was Bit shouting from the engineering console. ?Atmospheric shock absorbers and inertial compensators have gone offline!?
?Get Dae to fix it.?
?Impossible, he?s hurling Taggot bugs over the floor?
?Why isn?t he using the??
?The refresher? You remember its been offline for six weeks now, right??
Bits? tone was amused, but Del wanted to hit his head against the durasteel hull. With the air filter gone, and Daes? motion sickness kicking in, the cramped five hour ride to the underworld industrial district was going to be much more longer than usual?

 

come on please! just tell me what you think. i dont know whther to continue this or not [-o|

 

Interesting. I've read pilot-fics and Jedi-fics, but no cop-fics. Just stay away from the Miami Vice-type stuff and I'm cool. And don't turn this into GTS. (Grand Theft Speeder) I like it.

 

It wont get to GTS. its more of a "roughnecks" style.

 

Cool. Either way I like it, especially the gritty underworld feel. Keep up the good work, pal.

 

This seems really cool. I like it the dark tone of it all. Knowing that the story is sort of going down hill, you know.

 

Del was right. It was longer, according to his ancient chronometer. Probably because of the two hour stop they had to make when the repulsors failed. But they got there. And that was what mattered. So when they got out of the shuttle and set up an outpost one klick away from the small, innocuous Black Sun outpost, they weren?t surprised to see a shiny new backup C-SWAT squad and two robed Jedi from the surface already there, as well as Sien Sovv, head of New Republic intelligence. All of them carried shiny new weapons and portable blast shields.
?Jaden Korr!? It was Rosh, grinning widely as he stepped off the twisted landing pad and shook hands with the first Jedi.
?So this is the Jaden Korr? Del thought.
Jaden was a Kel?Dor male with a Jedi robe, underneath the robe however, he wore a technical shirt and pants with a aqua coloured border. He wore a small face mask so he could breathe on the air of other planets. But it was his lightsaber that interested Del the most. The hilt was long, with a guard on either side. Del made a mental note to ask Jaden about that later. Then Del took a look at the other Jedi, whom Rosh had just called Kyle. Kyle was tall, with a beard and eyes that seemed to radiate intelligence. Del made introductions. ?Hello commander Sovv, Master Kyle and commander Korr. Allow me to introduce my squad. this is Victoria demolitions expert??
After he was done introductions, an old man, who called himself ?leader? introduced his squad by numbers ?one? ?two? ?three? and so on, obviously in a display of showing off his cutting edge squad, as opposed to Dels? roughnecks. Then, Just when he finished setting up the (burned out) portable shelter he, and the rest of the squad had some Corellian whiskey, before heading back in the shelter. Del was the first one in, a good two hours before anyone else. He stepped in? and froze. In front of him, with a portable shotgun in his hand, pointed at Dels? forehead, was a Trandoshan.

Sorry for the shortness of this post.

 

Oh ohh... Tense!