Beyond Dazed and Confused- a H/L, L/M, A/T NJO AU Humor story. Helllo!! Updated 6/25

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by FamousAmos, Apr 23, 2004.

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  1. FamousAmos VIP

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2003
    star 6
    Title: Dazed and Confused
    Author: FamousAmos
    Timeframe: NJO
    Characters: Han, Leia, Anakin Solo, Jacen, Kyp, Luke, Mara, Lando.
    Genre: Humor
    Keywords:
    Summary: Basically, Leia finds out she has menopause and hilarity ensues as everyone tries to deal with it.
    Note 1: This story takes place at about the time of the NJO(all the characters are the age they'd be at in the middle of the NJO or so). However, nothing in the NJO has happened. Chewbacca & Anakin are still alive, the Vong never invaded, etc.
    Note 2: This is my first attempt at FanFic, I know its not that good, so please be gentle :)

    Without further adieu, I give you the first post of.....

    DAZED AND CONFUSED


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Han Solo was sitting on the couch in the apartment that he shared with his wife Leia, and their three children. A few hours earlier, Leia had left to have stimcaf with Mara and Winter for a while, after which she had a doctor's appointment. Miraculously, Leia had not left him an infinitely long "honey do" list, which meant that he was free for the rest of the afternoon. He had everything he needed to have a relaxing day: a six pack of imported Corellian beer, a smashball game, and no kids in the house to bug him. Jaina was away on a mission for the Jedi and would be gone a week, and Jacen and Anakin had taken Danni and Tahiri out for dinner and a chick-flick. But before he could enjoy his well earned peace and quiet, the door opened and his two sons walked in. So much for a peaceful day

    "Why are you home so early?" Han asked testily. "I told you two to get lost, and I meant it."

    "Well," Anakin started, barely containing his laughter, "We had to cut the date short because Danni dumped Jacen for being such a loser and Jacen started crying?"

    "Shut up, that's not how it happened." Jacen interjected, glaring at his younger brother. "Danni and I ?"

    "I don't care what happened, just go away and maybe I'll forget that you were here. There's not that much time left before your mother gets back and I want to enjoy it." Han said.

    "Why, what's wrong with Mom?" Jacen asked.

    "Hell if I know. She's been extra- moody lately. Hopefully the doctor can give her some pills or something to make her a little more pleasant."

    "Maybe it's just that time of the month, or something, I mean women have special parts-." Jacen said

    "-You really don't know when to stop talking, do you son?" Han interrupted sarcastically.

    Han sighed. "She's been flying off the handle at the littlest things for a week and a half." He paused. "Why am I explaining this to you? Get lost. NOW." Han said.

    "Where are we supposed to go? Its not like there's that much to do around here." Jacen said.

    "I don't care, go meditate on how you can save the galaxy or hold a march for gay droid marriage. I don't care as long as you go away and DON'T be late for dinner. I don't need you two doing anything stupid and upsetting your mother." Han said, pointing his finger in Jacen's face.

    "All right, we'll get lost." Jacen muttered as the two young Jedi left the Solo apartments.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Now what are we supposed to do? Dinner isn't for two hours, and its not like there's that much to do that'll be over in two hours." Jacen said.

    "Stop being such a sissy, Jacen. I think I know how we can have some fun and still be back before dinner." Anakin said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

    "Anakin, we aren't going to do anything illegal, are we? You know I don't like breaking the law."

    Anakin kept walking.

    "Come on, Anakin, just tell me we aren't?"

    "Seriously Jacen, you need to stop being such a baby. Its no wonder Danni dumped you. You can't do anything fun without getting your panties tied in a knot."

    "I can be fun. Just the other day I took Danni to the Corusc
  2. YodaKenobi VIP

    VIP
    Member Since:
    May 27, 2003
    star 6
    what's this? :eek: a famousamos fic?! cool!!!!!

    Good start! I really like the way Han is annoyed with his kids and telling them to get lost :D


    "Well," Anakin started, barely containing his laughter, "We had to cut the date short because Danni dumped Jacen for being such a loser and Jacen started crying?"

    [face_laugh]


    "Alright, fine. I'll admit it. I hate your haircut. I mean, you've worn it the same way for thirty years now. And it wasn't even really appealing then. I don't know how Mara stands it."

    [face_laugh]


    If you're having problems, just think, "What would Lando do?"

    :eek: that's exactly what I do everytime I go on a date! :eek: I even have a "WWLD" bracelet that helps remind me.

    :p



    Not sure Leia going through menopause is cause for humor, but I'll wait and see what you do with it :p

    Good to see you writing, I almost didn't believe my eyes when I saw it ;)
  3. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Love it so far. The characterizations are funny. Love WWLD.
  4. JadeDjo Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2004
    star 2
    ROFL....Can't wait to see how well dinner turns out. ;)
  5. Connemara Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 18, 2000
    star 6
    Hey, not bad at all for your first fan fic! I'll be keeping an eye on this one. :)
  6. RogueSticks Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 15, 2003
    star 3
    Lol poor Han. He's so confuddled about Leia. I've got a hunch about her problem so it'll be fun to see what it is.

    RogueTerrorist **||** Protecting H/L from fanfic authors everywhere
  7. Rose_Skywalker Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 17, 2002
    star 4
    This is really cute. What would lando do [face_laugh]

    And good Jacen and Danni didn't need to be together anyways. She's just all wrong for him. Plus his panties are in a bunch all the time

    and kyp's staying with them. Thats just going to make Leia moodier i think. :p

    anyways Great start i can't wait to see where you go with it. :D
  8. FamousAmos VIP

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2003
    star 6

    YK : what's this? a famousamos fic?! cool!!!!!

    Yeah, I know. I'm the coolest :cool: 8-}

    Good start! I really like the way Han is annoyed with his kids and telling them to get lost

    Yeah, I like that part too :D

    that's exactly what I do everytime I go on a date! I even have a "WWLD" bracelet that helps remind me.

    When exactly was the last time you had one of those, YK? [face_mischief] 8-}

    And more importantly, was she impressed [face_mischief]

    Not sure Leia going through menopause is cause for humor, but I'll wait and see what you do with it

    Yeah, hold your rotten tomatos for the end, please. 8-} But in all seriousness, I know that can be a sensitive issue for some people, so I've tried to keep it as civil as I can. Hopefully it'll be funny and I won't offend anyone(If anyone is offended at any part in this story, I'm truly sorry :)).

    Good to see you writing, I almost didn't believe my eyes when I saw it

    Don't have a heart attack, YK. We need to see the end of Eigth Cortex and its sequel 8-}

    DarthIshtar :

    I'm glad you liked it. Its good to hear that my characterizations are good. Needless to say, Leia won't be herself in this story, but I've struggled with Han's characterization in this story. Hopefully it'll be good. And I think everybody loves the WWLD. Thanks for reading, DarthIshtar. :)

    JadeDjo :

    Glad you liked it too. I hope everyone likes the dinner post. It should be good [face_devil]

    Connemara :

    Thanks. I appreciate that alot. And thanks for reading. :)

    RougeSticks :

    Lol. Yeah, Han's a mess 8-} He's doomed [face_devil] You'll have to wait until Monday(or maybe tomorrow) for the next post though. Thanks for reading, RougeSticks.

    RoseSkywalker :

    Thanks. I guess that WWLD line really was funny.

    And good Jacen and Danni didn't need to be together anyways. She's just all wrong for him. Plus his panties are in a bunch all the time

    [face_laugh] I don't know about that first part, but the second part's certainly true ;)

    You may be right about Kyp, but you'll just have to wait and see [face_mischief]

    Thanks for reading, RoseSkywalker.

    As I mentioned before, the next post will probably be Monday, but I *may* get it up tomorrow Thanks for reading, guys :)
  9. GreatOne Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 22, 2003
    star 4
    Very cute so far! (I'm not sure about asking Lando for advise, though! :p ) The best part is NJO didn't happen, and I always like a fic where THAT is ignored! ;) - By the way.... Mara is Leia's age, and just out of curiousity, will 'ageless' Mara ever have this problem???? hehe. [face_devil]
  10. FamousAmos VIP

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2003
    star 6
    GreatOne :

    Thanks. That means a lot coming from you(I really liked your Suprise story :)) Lol. Yeah, I really didn't like some things that happened in the NJO either ;) As far as Mara goes, I did know that she's Leia's age, and I have some things planned for her, too. You won't see her for a few posts, though :( And you'll just have to wait and see what happens [face_devil]

    Alright, I made it through the first post. And no rotten fruits or vegetables were thrown :D

    Here's the next part :cool: :

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An hour later, Han, with the assistance of C-3P0, had whipped up a gourmet meal that would have made a professional chef green with envy. The table was set, candles casting a romantic glow over the dining area. Han had put on a record from one of Corellia's best singers of romantic music. He had left a message with Jacen and Anakin so that they wouldn't interrupt his dinner with Leia, and he had ordered Kyp to stay in his room for a few hours. Everything was set for his perfect evening with Leia.

    Han made his way up the stairs and to the bedroom he shared with Leia. Lightly knocking on the door, he said, "Are you hungry, sweetheart? I whipped up a special meal just for the two of us."

    A few seconds later, Leia emerged from their room, and wrapped her arms around Han. "You cooked dinner for me? That is so sweet."

    Like taking candy from a baby Han thought, smiling to himself, as they headed downstairs.

    "Han?"

    "Yeah?"

    "Did someone come by after I got here? I thought I heard someone in the guest bedroom."

    "Umm, yeah. That was Kyp. He needed a place to stay for a week or so while his apartment gets repaired."

    Leia stopped walking. "Why, Han? Why are you always taking people in? Aren't the three kids we have enough? Its not like I don't have enough people to take care of. Even though I'm not the Chief of State anymore, I still have to babysit the Senate constantly. Not to mention that I'm always taking care of you, the kids, Lando, Chewie, and any scruffy looking, lowlife scumbag you see fit to shelter for a while! I'm sick of taking care of all these people, Han. I'm not happy. I-"

    "I'm sorry, Princess. I'll have him outta here quicker than you can say 'Palpatine sniffs monkey butt'. I didn't mean to impose on you. And I really should have asked you before I agreed to let him stay here. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

    When Leia continued to glare at him, he added, "And?? I, uh, I uh, I k?know I kinda t?take you for granted sometimes. I'll do better, I promise. In fact, the kids and I will take care of all the chores around the house for a few days."

    Leia cleared her throat.

    "A few weeks."

    She cleared her throat again.

    "A few years."

    She merely stared at him.

    "Forever. Until the day we die."

    "That's better."

    At this rate, that won't be too far away.

    "Well, since he's already here, I guess Kyp can stay." Leia said. "But he better not do anything weird. Everytime he's here he hits on Jaina. I'm glad she's gone for now."

    "And I'm sorry I've been so moody lately, Han. I'm just having a hard time right now." Leia explained as Han pulled out her chair for her.

    "It seems to me that you've been as pleasant as ever." Han said, trying not to laugh at how absurd that was.

    Much to Han's dismay, Leia broke out in tears. She covered her face in her hands and began sobbing uncontrollably.

    "Leia? Honey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Han asked, concern evident in his tone.

    "It's nothing, really. I just don't know what I ever did to end up with a man as special as you." Leia managed in between sobs.

    "What you did to deserve me?" Han echoed incredulously. "I think the galaxy's still suprised that you chose me over Isolder."

    Leia stopped crying and simply stared for what seemed like an eternity at Han. Finally, sh
  11. JadeDjo Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2004
    star 2
    Well, how'd you get that? Some kind of viral infection? I knew there was something wrong with that squid we ate the other day. I hope I don't have this menopause, too."

    Suddenly, Leia had stopped crying. In fact, her depressed demeanor had suddenly vanished. In fact, Leia looked angry enough to fry him with Force lightning.

    "I knew it wasn't me! You are such a jerk!" Leia screamed at Han as she stormed out of the dining area.

    "Wait, Leia! What'd I say now?"

    "Get away from me! I don't want to talk to you."

    "I'm sorry. I'm, uh, I'm sure you'll get better soon. This, umm, 'menopause' can't be fatal, can it?" When Leia didn't acknowledge him, he added, " I'll find the best specialist in the galaxy to get you cured. You'll be back to normal in no time."

    Han instinctively ducked as Leia grabbed a vase and threw it at him, but he couldn't avoid the chair that Leia had sent flying toward his head with the Force.



    ROFL!!!!!

    No, you didn't over do the menopause humor. I nearly died laughing!
  12. YodaKenobi VIP

    VIP
    Member Since:
    May 27, 2003
    star 6
    When exactly was the last time you had one of those, YK?
    And more importantly, was she impressed


    well......I remember Clinton was in the white house..... jk :p A few weeks after my b-day, late February... though that was with an ex-grilfriend so I'm not sure it counts. And she already knew me pretty well, so I don't think she was impressed :p



    ahhhh, a new post two days later :D I am proud of you, Amos!



    Like taking candy from a baby Han thought, smiling to himself, as they headed downstairs.

    [face_mischief]


    "Well, since he's already here, I guess Kyp can stay." Leia said. "But he better not do anything weird. Everytime he's here he hits on Jaina. I'm glad she's gone for now."

    Who wouldn't? It's Padme's granddaughter ;)

    Han instinctively ducked as Leia grabbed a vase and threw it at him, but he couldn't avoid the chair that Leia had sent flying toward his head with the Force.

    :eek: spousal abuse!

    Now, Han's back felt as if a rancor had decided to use his spine as a toothpick.

    [face_laugh]



    So, neither Kyp nor Han seem to know what menopause is..... where will they go to find this secret information??????? funny post, Amos; I look forward to more :D


    oh yeah, and not offensive at all!
  13. _JM_ Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2001
    star 4
  14. HanSolo29 Manager Emeritus + Official Star Wars Artist

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2001
    star 6
    LOL!!!! [face_laugh] This story is great so far! What rock have Han and Kyp been living under that they don't know what menopause is? LOL!!! Great stuff!

    Also, I like that Han refers to his kids as knuckleheads. I don't really care for them, myself. [face_mischief]
  15. GreatOne Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 22, 2003
    star 4
    I also must say, Poor Han! But he really should have heard of menopause by his age! :eek:
  16. starwarsfan68 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2003
    star 3
    Ok right now my daughter is taking a nap and I think I woke her up laughing so loud. I can't believe Han thought he'd get it. What a riot.
  17. RogueSticks Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 15, 2003
    star 3
    LOL! He hopes he doesn't have menopause too!!! Priceless!

    RogueTerrorist **||** Protecting H/L from fanfic authors everywhere
  18. FamousAmos VIP

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2003
    star 6
    JadeDjo :

    Lol. Thanks. Don't die on me now, I need you to keep reviewing my fic 8-}

    YK :

    Hey, ex's need lovin' too... 8-}

    ahhhh, a new post two days later I am proud of you, Amos!

    [face_blush] Thanks, YK.

    Who wouldn't? It's Padme's granddaughter

    Well, since she's your 'wife', doesn't that make Jaina your granddaughter, too [face_mischief] :cool:

    8-}

    spousal abuse!

    I think he's used to that by now [face_mischief]

    Thanks for reading, YK. They'll find out soon enought [face_devil]

    _JM_ :

    Yeah, Han's in trouble ;)

    Thanks for reading, _JM_ :)

    HanSolo29 :

    Thanks. Well, I figure the closest thing to a mother Han had growing up was a female wookie who took care of him(see the Han Solo Trilogy) and Kyp spent his childhood years in Kessel, I believe, so neither one really was directly exposed to middle aged women growing up(at least, that's what I'm going to assume). But that's all about to change [face_devil]

    Yeah, they are real knuckleheads. Thanks for reading :)

    GreatOne :

    Thanks. See my reply to HanSolo29 ;) Thanks for reading, GreatOne.

    starwarsfan68 :

    Lol. Thanks, I appreciate that. At least I'm not the only one that thought that line was funny 8-}

    Thanks for reading, starwarsfan68.

    RougeSticks :

    Thanks, RougeSticks. :)

    New post should be tomorrow, unless I have more free time tonight then I think I'm gonna have :D
  19. FamousAmos VIP

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2003
    star 6
    Well, I found out that I don't have to take one of my final exams :D And in celebration, I present to you, the next post:

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jacen and Anakin were sitting in the living area, flipping through the channels on the holo- screen when their father and Jedi Master Kyp Durron entered the room. Han had a tremendous knot on his forehead that was bruising quite nicely.

    "Hey Dad, I thought Mom forbade you to go bar- fighting after that time she had to bail you out of prison when you totally trashed that bar a few months back." Anakin said.

    Han glared at his younger son. "She did. And I haven't been bar- fighting. Although it feels like it." He said, rubbing his aching forehead and back.

    "What happened, Dad?" Jacen asked.

    Han sat down in his easy- chair, and motioned Kyp to take a seat on the couch next to Jacen and Anakin. Han quickly recounted the nights events to his sons, who sat transfixed throughout the story. When he was finished, Anakin said, "Let's see. Mom's moody, cries a lot, and can't appreciate a good time. Dad, I think Jacen has menopause."

    "Shut up, I do not. And I SO appreciate a good time. We went over this, just a few hours ago, Anakin."

    Jacen started to tear up. "And why do you have to be so MEAN? Its not my fault that I'm sensitive."

    When Han, Kyp and Anakin started laughing at him, Jacen yelled, "Is it so wrong to FEEL?"

    When they only started laughing harder, Jacen started to bawl like a baby and ran towards his room.

    "Hold it, crybaby." Han said. "We have to figure out what to do about your mother. And the sooner the better. Because whatever it is, its bound to get worse. And I'm afraid that if she gets any madder, she's going to start killing people."

    Jacen sat down on the couch, as far away from the others as he could.

    "She can't kill all of us." Anakin said. "I mean, Kyp's a Jedi Master, and I'm a Jedi Knight. You've been fighting practically your whole life, Dad, and Jacen?. well, Jacen could, umm, he could help, too? I guess."

    "Look kid. I've been from one side of this galaxy to the other. I guarantee you, if your mother goes on another rampage like she was last night, there's not a being in this galaxy that could stop her. We'd be slaughtered." Han said.

    "Not me." Jacen piped up. "Its always been my plan to sit idly by and watch while my family and friends sacrifice themselves for me."

    Han glared at his son.

    "Nobody's gonna die on my watch. But we need a plan, and fast. The sooner we figure out what's wrong with your mother, the sooner we can help her." Han said.

    "And ourselves." Kyp muttered.

    Jacen started crying.

    Anakin, the most pragmatic of Han's three children, suggested, "Why not ask Threepio? Surely he knows what it is."

    "That's a good idea, son." Han turned his head, and yelled, "Hey, Goldenrod, get in here, NOW!"

    Jacen continued to cry.

    Soon, the golden droid wobbled into the room. "How may I be of service, Captain Solo? And sir, I do have a name."

    "Look, you bumbling pile of parts, I really don't care what your name is. Just tell me everything you know about menopause."

    "Why certainly, sir. Menopause is a natural part of the aging process that occurs when levels of the hormones estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone in a woman's body decline. However, it can also be brought on artificially by oophorectomy, surgery that removes the ovaries."

    "So this is a natural thing, then? Not some kind of virus or disease?" Han asked.

    "Captain Solo, menopause is a natural change that all women go through. Its nothing to worry about really. In fact there is a culture in the Outer Rim that worships menopausal women-"

    "Yeah, yeah, stop rambling, Goldenrod. Why don't you tell us what the symptoms of this menopause are. What's this thing gonna do to my wife?"

    "Well, some common symptoms of menopause include: Menstrual period chang
  20. YodaKenobi VIP

    VIP
    Member Since:
    May 27, 2003
    star 6
    oh man! that was hilarious! :D best post so far!

    "Let's see. Mom's moody, cries a lot, and can't appreciate a good time. Dad, I think Jacen has menopause."

    [face_laugh]

    Jacen started to tear up. "And why do you have to be so MEAN? Its not my fault that I'm sensitive."
    When Han, Kyp and Anakin started laughing at him, Jacen yelled, "Is it so wrong to FEEL?"
    When they only started laughing harder, Jacen started to bawl like a baby and ran towards his room.


    [face_laugh] ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!


    "Not me." Jacen piped up. "Its always been my plan to sit idly by and watch while my family and friends sacrifice themselves for me."

    [face_laugh]

    Han sighed. The droids detailed explanation had traumatized his son. He only hoped the damage was permanent.

    Do you mean "wasn't"?

    The truth was, his son was a sissy. Han sighed again.

    LMAO!!!!!


    This is great, Amos! keep up the pace ;)
  21. GreatOne Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 22, 2003
    star 4
    LOL! Poor sissy Jacen. I really, really think Han needs to teach that boy how to act like a man! Poor Han! Leia in menopause, and a son who always acts like he is! [face_laugh]
  22. Solo_Fan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2003
    star 4
    This story is hilarious!!! The wrath of Leia is bad enough when she is fine, but now that she is going through menopause, I'll be surprised if Han makes it to the end of this alive. Poor Han! And your portrayal of Jacen is classic. Too funny.
  23. JadeDjo Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2004
    star 2
    Han sighed again. This was getting old. He briefly wondered if his son had suffered complications during Leia's pregnancy with the twins that the doctors had missed. But he knew that wasn't true. He also had wondered from time to time if his son had been exposed to radiation at some point in his life. But he knew that wasn?t true either. The truth was, his son was a sissy. Han sighed again.


    Wonderful! And I agree with GreatOne, Han needs to teach Jacen that he's the man, not Jaina. ;)
  24. Rose_Skywalker Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 17, 2002
    star 4

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    this has to be the funniest thing i've ever read. I can't believe they didn't know what Menopause was. Even worse i can't believe they all thought they could catch it. I almost feel bad for them having to listen to 3PO explain it all. I would have wanted to vomit too. Poor jacen he's such a cry baby. :p
  25. DarthMasan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2002
    star 3
    :D :D :D :D
    HILARIOUS EXCELLENT FIC!! one of the best humor stories I've read ina while! :d
    uppers!

    DM
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