Beyond - Legends Dazed and Confused- a H/L, L/M, A/T NJO AU Humor story. Helllo!! Updated 6/25

YK :

oh man! that was hilarious! best post so far!

I thought you might like that post.

Yeah, the line about Jacen sitting and watching his family die for him is possibly my favorite line thus far in the fic.

Do you mean "wasn't"?

Nope. I meant was

LMAO!!!!!

Yeah, Jacen's just a sad little man. For now.


This is great, Amos! keep up the pace

Will do, post should be up shortly, I just have a little editing to do.

GreatOne :

Lol. Yeah, he really does. Maybe he will, maybe he won't

Thanks for reading, GreatOne.

SoloFan :

Thanks. I really appreciate your comments. They make my day You'll have to wait and see about Han, though.

JadeDjo :

Thanks. See my reply to GreatOne. New post soon!

RoseSkywalker :

Thanks. Your too kind. But I appreciate it. And yeah, I would definetly vomit listening to Threepio give a lecture about that. Thanks for reading, Rose.

DarthMasan :

Thanks. New post in a few minutes

 

As promised, here's the new post:

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At 5:30 a.m., the next morning, the alarm on his chrono tore him from his slumber. Not that sleep was all that good anyway he reflected. He'd spent the night on the couch, not wanting to risk Leia's wrath again. As if old age and Leia's assault hadn't damaged his back enough, he feared that if he had to spend one more night on the couch, his back might give out permanently.

One more reason to keep Leia in a good mood

Han dragged himself up the stairs so that he could wake the boneheads up. As Han opened the door to the guest bedroom, he turned on the lights and said loudly, "Get up, kid. We got work to do."

"What the? " Kyp said groggily. "Han, it is WAY to early to be waking up, you know."

"Hey, you didn't spend the night on the couch. Now put on some clothes and get down to the kitchen. Leia wasn't real happy when I told her you were staying here. I should throw you out on the streets to keep Leia happy. I'm taking a big risk, letting you stay here. So I don't want to hear you complain again, understood?" Han said, pointing his finger at the younger man.

"Yes, sir" Kyp mumbled.

"That's what I thought. Now get down to the kitchen and start making breakfast."

Han entered Anakin's room. His youngest son was sprawled out on top of his bed. He must have been so disturbed after last night that he didn't even bother getting under the covers. Han figured that last night's trauma had probably done the boy good. Dealing with awkward situations was part of life, one the boy needed to learn how to deal with. But too much trauma and his son could be permanently damaged. That would be bad. I've already got one son whose a flake, the last thing I need is for the good one to flake out on me too.

Maybe nothing would happen to traumatize Anakin today. But Han didn't think that was very likely.

Han turned on the lights. "Get up, boy. We got work to do."

After a long pause, Anakin waved his hand and mumbled, "It's too early to be awake. You want to go back to sleep."

"It's too early to be awake, I ??. Sithspit!! What have I told you about using the Force on ME?"

"I dunno. It's too early to be thinking. Just let me go back to sleep, man."

Han walked over to Anakin's bed slowly. He knelt down and whispered into his son's ear, "If you ever use the Force on me again, I'm sure I can find a greedy, slimy, smelly Hutt that's looking for a dancing girl. You have such nice legs, too. They're shapely. Kinda like a lady's. I bet you inherited your mother's legs." Han paused. "You know what's funny? Your mother used to be a dancing girl for Jabba the Hutt. And you know what else? She killed him. I'm sure there are plenty of Hutts who'd like revenge for that. Especially from someone with such pretty legs. Yeah, I'm sure you'd make a nice little entertaining dancing girl."

Anakin stiffened noticeably. Then he shot up out of bed and immediately began to put on some clean clothes. "I'm sorry, sir. It'll never happen again, sir. I promise it'll never happen again sir. Please don?t send me to the Hutts, sir." Anakin finished his rambling and snapping a salute to his father.

Han almost laughed at his son's antics. Instead, he said, "Let's hope not. Now hurry up and get down stairs. We've got a lot of work to do."

Han left his Anakin's room, and headed down the hallway to Jacen's room.

Two down, one to go.

Han turned on the lights in Jacen's room. "Get up, son. There's a lotta work to do."

Instead of arguing and complaining, as Anakin and Kyp had, Jacen got out of his bed and said, "Yes, sir. It'll only take me a minute to get ready. I'll do my best to help out. I won't let you down."

When Han stared blankly at him, Jacen's lower lip started to tremble. His son looked like he was going to cry again.

"Aww, crap. You're

 

I like this story because it is totally off the wall. Nothing appears to be sacred, and Han's threat to Anakin was hilarious. I definitely look forward to updates of this.

 

This is soooo funny! Poor crybaby Jacen. Anakin was taking his life in his hands by trying to use the Force on Han!

 

heheh. Great post, Amos Very evil of Han to threaten Anakin with being a dancer for the Hutts and how about Han just kills Jacen? can't wait for more

 

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love your off the wall humor!

 

:d :d :d
EXCELLENT!
cant wait for more!

DM

 

SoloFan :

Hey, I left a few things sacred For now, that is

Thanks for reading. Should be an update tomorrow morning.

HanSolo29 :

Thanks. Its good to know that this story is that funny. I guess that means I'm not such a bad writer

GreatOne :

You got that right. You should like the next post But you'll have to wait until the morning.

YK :

Thanks. Yeah, Han's evil, whats new? And Han would never KILL Jacen. He's his father after all.

He'll have Chewie do it for him

JadeDjo :

Thanks. I'm glad you like it. Off the wall, huh? That's a big compliment Hope you like the next post. It should be REALLY off the wall

DarthMasan :

Thanks. Update in the morning

 

Okay guys, here's the next post, as promised:


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After Han took a shower and shaved, he walked downstairs. Those numbskulls better have started on breakfast or else. When Han walked into his kitchen, his jaw dropped. It looked as if a tornado had blown through the room. There was Corellian brekfastcake batter splattered liberally on the walls. In places, the batter was mixed with chocolate pudding, that looked as if it had exploded when its bowl had been dropped on the floor. . Egg whites were dripping from the ceiling and down the walls. Egg shells littered the floor. Whipped cream was everywhere. It appeared that the can of whipped cream had been left on the oven burner, and had exploded. The Alderaani fruit pie that Han had bought had been thrown on the far wall, and was dripping slowly down the wall. Han choked on the flour that filled the room like smog. Han blinked, forcing his eyes to focus through the haze. He could see Kyp, frantically trying to clean the mess up. He saw his two sons, who where slugging away at each other. Jacen had a bloody nose, with a trail of blood coming from his lip. Anakin had a black eye, and a nasty bruise on his temple. Han watched as Jacen swung a pie pan at Anakin's head like a frisbee. Anakin ducked, and the pan came flying at Han, who also ducked. Han felt his fury build. He stepped into the room, ready to dish out punishment on the troublemaking kids. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that during their scuffle, Jacen and Anakin had knocked over a bottle of vegetable oil, which had spread throughout the entire room. Thus, when Han stormed into the room, he fell flat onto his back, which was still bruised from his flight down the stairs last night.

Finally noticing their father's presence, Anakin and Jacen stopped fighting and could only look on in shock and embarrassment as Kyp helped Han to his feet. Both boys gulped, knowing that they were in for it. They hadn't seen their father this angry since they scratched the Falcon.

Han wiped a mixture of oil, batter, and egg white out of his eyes. Han let out a series of curses that would have made a Hutt blush. Han stalked toward the two boys, shaking with rage. "What in the HELL is going on here?!?" Han screamed, shaking his fist in front of Anakin's face.

Han let out another string of curses. "I told you fools to get started on breakfast, not to DESTROY THE KITCHEN!! I can't even think of a punishment big enough for this, but when I do, watch out. It's going to be terrible. And what do you think your mother's going to do when she finds out about this?" Han let out his longest string of curses yet. "This is just great. How are we going to get out of this mess?" Han threw his hands in the air.

Anakin gulped remembering his father's threats from earlier that morning. "I'm s...s?sorry, Dad. Please don't ship me off to the H?Hutts. Umm? uhhh? look, we can use the Force to help clean it up. By the time mom gets up, it will be clean and breakfast will be ready. I promise."

Han let out another string of curses, then started laughing. "Riiight. You really think you can clean this up before your mother gets up, which is TWO hours away? I'd pay to see that."

"Watch us. In two hours we'll clean this mess up and cook breakfast." Anakin said matter ? of ? factly.

Han pointed at his chrono. "Two hours, son. I'm going to go take another shower." Han left the kitchen, still muttering curses to himself.

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Jacen stalked over to Anakin and planted his hands firmly on his hips, in a very feminine posture.

"How are we supposed to clean this mess up in two hours, Anakin? There's no way. It's impossible. The odds are better that I'll stop being such a cry-baby, actually get a girl to like me, become famous, and a

 

that was great, Amos really funny stuff. This is the best humor fic I've read since Tahi's "at the oasis"


They hadn't seen their father this angry since they scratched the Falcon.




The odds are better that I'll stop being such a cry-baby, actually get a girl to like me, become famous, and almost single-handedly defeat ruthless, extra- galactic, Force- invisible invaders."
Anakin laughed. "Ya know, normally your jokes really suck. But that one is pretty good, bro."
Jacen started laughing. "Thanks, Anakin. Yeah, me being a hero? How ridiculous is that?"

LMAO!!!

 

hehe. I have to give Jacen points for at least fighting with his brother! Poor Han! He's going to end up flat on his back and unable to move before you're done with him!!! (then how will he escape Leia's wrath?)

 

He saw his two sons, who where slugging away at each other. Jacen had a bloody nose, with a trail of blood coming from his lip. Anakin had a black eye, and a nasty bruise on his temple. Han watched as Jacen swung a pie pan at Anakin's head like a frisbee.

Go Jace! What ever there fighing about at least Jacen is holding his own.

 

YK:

I've actually started reading that one. And it is funny. Only a few posts in though. I love the part about big knockers

I thought you might like that part. But I think you'll really like this next post

GreatOne:

That's true. At least he's trying. Not succeeding, though

Yeah, Han only gets himself in more trouble as this story goes along

JadeDjo:

Yeah, I just figured that would be a good thing for them to do. (I don't have a brother, but I'm pretty sure they fight alot). And yeah, Jacen has to try and be a man, at least. Even if he's not very good at it

New Post will be up whenever I decide to put it up

 

Here we go, the next post

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Han Solo had never considered himself a coward.

He'd been orphaned early in his childhood, and had spent most of his adolescent years as a thief and overall trouble-maker. He'd chased danger from one end of the galaxy to the other. He'd narrowly escaped a certain death more times than he could count. Han Solo, by reputation, was not scared of anything. Ever.

But never in his entire life had he been as scared as he was now.

He had watched his loving, sweet, caring, if sometimes absent wife transform into a dangerous, moody, brooding maniac in front of his eyes the previous night. The really scary thing was, he'd only made one ignorant comment, which was normal for him. It scared him to think of what this thing that had possessed his wife was capable of. Han thought of the situation in the kitchen. Think of what that would do to her. Han shuddered at the thought. Han didn't think he'd been this scared her father had frozen him in carbonite.

Sighing, Han walked downstairs to check on the boys. He knew it was physically impossible for them to get the kitchen clean before Leia woke up. Then we might as well start running now. We're probably gonna need a head start. When he entered the kitchen, his jaw dropped for the second time that morning. Damn, I've really got to stop doing that.

To his surprise, the kitchen was perfectly clean. Spotless, in fact. The batter had been cleaned off the walls, the choclate pudding, eggs, oil, flour, whipped cream, pie and blood had disappeared. Han didn't think that he'd seen his kitchen this clean in years.

In addition, a full breakfast was waiting on the counter. The scrambled eggs, Corellian breakfast cakes, with chocolate pudding on top, biscuits, nerf ? bacon, with Blue Milk that had been made left Han's mouth watering.

Han looked at the three young men, who looked exhausted. "W? Wow. You actually did it. I can't believe that."

"You'd better believe it. We're just that good." Anakin said.

"Don't get cocky, kid. Or you'll find yourself floating down to the lower levels."

"Look, this thing that's taken over your mother is a tricky bastard." Han continued. "We've got to be careful. I haven't been up against an enemy this dangerous since that band of rouge writers went on a killing spree."

Kyp let out a low whistle. "Del Rey. I remember them. That was a scary time."

"Oh come on, I didn't think they were that bad." Jacen said.

"Shut up, you." Anakin interjected. "Can we get back to mom for a minute? Besides, I don't want to talk about those people. Breakfast is only a few minutes away, and I'd like to keep my appetite."

"He's right." Han said. "This thing that has control of your mother is dangerous. You can't let your guard down, not even for a second."

"But Dad, she's still mom. She'd never hurt us." Jacen said. "Its kinda like Uncle Luke and Darth Vader. Even though he was taken over by the dark side, Uncle Luke knew that there was still goodness in him. Similarly, the Mom that we all know and love is still there, we just have to draw it out."

Han stared at his son. "Jacen, if this was an actual war, you'd be the first casualty. That Jedi mumbo- jumbo is real nice for fairy tales and ghost stories, and other fru-fru crap. If that's how you want to live your life, then you can go live with the hippies and do spice all day and braid each others hair." Han paused.

"But if you want to live here, you have to learn to think logically. We're not going to survive long this way unless we stick together. Firstly, we can't say anything, and I mean ANYTHING, stupid. Don't remind her that she's going insane. And above all, don't let her catch you by yourself. Always travel in pairs. If we allow her to divide us, she'll pick us off one by one. The only way that we're gonna have a chance at getting some

 

"Hey Kyp, you don't have much room to talk, buddy. When was the last time YOU had a girlfriend?" - LOL!!! - That was great!!

 

oh man! that was great

He had watched his loving, sweet, caring, if sometimes absent wife transform into a dangerous, moody, brooding maniac in front of his eyes the previous night.

I loved that line.

"Look, this thing that's taken over your mother is a tricky bastard." Han continued. "We've got to be careful. I haven't been up against an enemy this dangerous since that band of rouge writers went on a killing spree."
Kyp let out a low whistle. "Del Rey. I remember them. That was a scary time."
"Oh come on, I didn't think they were that bad." Jacen said.

Love the author commentary as well

If that's how you want to live your life, then you can go live with the hippies and do spice all day and braid each others hair." Han paused.

Does anyone else think that sounds pretty good?

I laughed pretty much all the way through on this one. The conversation between Kyp, Anakin, and Jacen was classic Can't wait to see how Han manages to suffer Leia's wrath

 

HILARIOUS!!!!

more!!!

DM

 

It looks like Han is going to have to handle Leia on his own. This should be a good battle between Han and Leia. Hope they both make it through this. The Kyp, Anakin, and Jacen interaction was hilarious.

 

That was truly funny! Which is not a good thing when I am at work!

There were too many good lines to repeat but I do like Han?s pep talk about sticking together in the face of war.

And if we don't survive, then we're dead.

Looking forward to more

 

GreatOne:

Thanks. I liked that line too. I always thought it was weird that Kyp never has a girl in any of the canon stuff. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that was funny.

HanSolo29:

Thanks for reading. New post tomorrow, hopefully.

YK:

oh man! that was great

Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it

I loved that line.

Thanks. I was trying to show how scary Leia was. I think that means I suceeded

Love the author commentary as well

Lol Yeah, there is a little bit of that in this fic Actually, that part was going to be a bit more specific(if you know what I mean) but I'm pretty sure that was against the rules, so I edited it

Does anyone else think that sounds pretty good?

Somehow, I knew that you were gonna say something like that. Hippies, what're you gonna do

I laughed pretty much all the way through on this one. The conversation between Kyp, Anakin, and Jacen was classic Can't wait to see how Han manages to suffer Leia's wrath

Thanks, YK. I really appreciate that. Its a heck of a compliment I'm hoping to update tomorrow.

DarthMasan:

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you're liking it, and hopefully there will be more tomorrow.

SoloFan:

Yeah, Han was abandoned But he's a heck of a fighter. As far as them both surviving goes, ask me again after the next post

red_rose_knight:

[face_shocked] Wow. A mod read my story. I gotta admit, when I first saw that you posted here, I thought it was to say you were locking this, or something. Glad thats not the case. And welcome

That was truly funny! Which is not a good thing when I am at work!

Thanks. Sorry about distracting you at work, though

There were too many good lines to repeat but I do like Han?s pep talk about sticking together in the face of war.

That's ok. I appreciate you taking the time to read

Looking forward to more

Hopefully, the new post will be up tomorrow. Thanks for reading, red_rose_knight!

 

Oh. My. Goodness. This is hilarious!! I just read the whole thing, and I couldn't stop laughing! I love the side comments on the NJO....I can't stand the NJO! This is the best...please keep up the great work!

 

LauraAnu:

Thanks. I'm glad you're liking it. And I couldn't do a fic like this without taking some potshots at the NJO. I mean, it started off great, but they really messed it up bad. It was a tragedy

And here's brekfast . Please hold all rotten fruit for the end

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Han Solo tried to keep himself from shaking as he pulled out a chair for his wife. The boys had washed up and were helping him serve breakfast.

"This looks great, guys. I really appreciate that y'all got up early to make breakfast for me. That is so sweet."

Han smiled. "Anything for you, doll."

Leia smiled at him, then turned to address the three boys. "I'm sure you've all heard the news. Yes, the rumors are true. I have started menopause."

The four men stared blankly, clearly confused about what they should do. Anakin broke the silence, by laughing uncomfortably.

"Well, I'm not going to let this change of life get me down." Leia continued. "I'm not going to let all of these nightsweats, mood swings, insomnia or hot flashes get me down anymore." She paused. "Why is it so hot in here? If I wanted to feel like I was on Tatooine, I'd move there!"

Han and Kyp exchanged nervous glances. "What are we supposed to do?" Kyp mouthed to Han.

"I dunno. Stay calm." He mouthed back.

Leia looked at the giant knot on Han's forehead. "Honey, how did you get that knot on your head? I thought I told you not to get into any more barfights."

Han stared at Leia. "Don't you remember last night, dear? You hit me in the head with a chair."

Leia snorted indignantly. "I most certainly did not. You take that back right now, Han Solo."

"Leia, it?s the truth! I'm not lying to you. You have to believe me."

"Han, I will not be lied to like this. Tell me how you got that knot right now."

"I already told you, you hit me with a? oh, nevermind." Han sighed, exasperated.

Leia glanced down at her plate, and said, "Look, Han, the ceiling is leaking." She pointed to the water that had gathered in a pool on her plate.

"That's not from the ceiling, mom. That's your sweat." Jacen said quietly.

Leia glared at her son. "You shut your filthy mouth."

"So, umm, what's everyone got on the agenda today?" Han asked, trying desperately to change the subject.

"Well, I've got a meeting with the Senatorial Oversight Committee in an hour and a half. Then I'm in bureaucratic meetings straight until I have to babysit the Senate for a hour or so at 4:00." Leia started to cry. "Do you remember when we had to find babysitters for the kids, Han? Sithspit, I am so freakin' old!!"

"That's not true mom, you've got a lot to look forward to." Anakin said.

"Like what? Picking out the urn for my ashes?"

"So Leia, I thought maybe we could, uhh, have, umm, Luke and Mara over for dinner tonight." Han said, trying to change the subject again. "And maybe Lando and Tendra, too."

"That would be great, sweetheart." Leia said.

"Great, maybe we could have some other people over too. We haven't seen Wedge and Iella in a while, and we really need to catch up with the Rouges."

"Don't forget the Wraiths." Kyp added.

"That's true. Heck, while we're at it, we might as well invite those Senate people you're always hanging out with."

Leia laughed. "You are too cute. Ask Luke and Mara, and Lando and Tendra over, but that's it. Look, I've got to get going. Would you and the boys take care of the laundry today? Make sure you wash the sheets on my bed. They're a little dirty. Also, could you clean the apartment up a little? Its really messy. Especially this kitchen."

"Uhh, sure thing, honey."

As Leia left the kitchen to get ready for her day, the four men let loose sighs of relief.

"Whew. That was close." Kyp said.

"Don't be so sure kid. Its obviously a trap. Always keep your guard up."

"Hey, at least she didn't injure a

 

I missed a post! But they were both great! But I have to say, if Leia send Han to the Med bay will she even say 'I'm sorry'? She's starting to scare me....This must be why Jedi turned to the dark side, to protect themselves from their wives!