Beyond - Legends Dazed and Confused- a H/L, L/M, A/T NJO AU Humor story. Helllo!! Updated 6/25

I must agree with JadeDjo: Leia is getting scary!! If things don't get better, she could become more dangerous than Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader combined.

 

Yeah, Leia could be the next Vader I'm thinking Leia and Han will need marriage counseling if the abuse continues.... perhaps from Land Calrissian Good post, funny stuff

Striking a feminine pose, Jacen said, "Well, she certainly injured my pride. I think the kitchen looks fabulous ."

That was my favorite

 

I'm starting to get really worried about Hanny-bear! He's going to need to live on the Falcon and file a restraining order!!!

 

JadeDjo:

I missed a post! But they were both great!

Sorry you missed a post, but I'm glad you liked them!

But I have to say, if Leia send Han to the Med bay will she even say 'I'm sorry'? She's starting to scare me....This must be why Jedi turned to the dark side, to protect themselves from their wives!

Yeah, I'm gonna hold all my comments on Han's situation until after the next post, but that bit about Jedi turning dark is pretty funny! Provides some interesting insight into Padme's character, huh?

HanSolo29:

Thanks, I'm not sure which one is funnier, either. Probably Jacen's crying

SoloFan:

LOL. You don't know how ironic that statement is. You'll just have to wait for the next post

YK:

Yeah, Leia could be the next Vader I'm thinking Leia and Han will need marriage counseling if the abuse continues.... perhaps from Land Calrissian Good post, funny stuff

LOL. That's pretty funny too. Again, just wait until the next post. Lando as a marriage counselor, though? That seems about as likely as Jacen becoming a mercanary

That was my favorite

Yeah, I thought people would like that one. Thanks for reading, YK.

GreatOne:

Like I said to the others, you may want to wait until after the next post to comment on that


Everybody:

I'm still working on the next post. Darth Real Life and Darth Final Exams have been ganging up on me But hopefully I'll have the next post on-line by tonight

 

this is the funniest thing ever. I wouldn't be surprised if this gets nominated for Humor story in the summer fanfic awards. That shot at Del Rey was too funny. Jacen is such a whiney crybaby. Where is Jaina in this story anyways. That crack about Anakin getting to second base with Tahiri, priceless. This is such a good story.

Scruffy looking nerf herder

 

Rose:

this is the funniest thing ever. I wouldn't be surprised if this gets nominated for Humor story in the summer fanfic awards.

Thanks, rose

That shot at Del Rey was too funny. Jacen is such a whiney crybaby.

Thanks, I was gonna make the DR shot worse, but I think it was prohibited by the rules(so I edited it). Also, I'm glad you like the Jacen bit. I was hoping I hadn't overdone the crybaby bit

Where is Jaina in this story anyways.

See the first post. I convienently(sp?) sent her away for a while. She may return in this story, though

That crack about Anakin getting to second base with Tahiri, priceless.

Yeah, like all teenage boys, he has his head in the gutter



Scruffy looking nerf herder

Yeah, that line's never been used before

This is such a good story.

Thanks again, Rose


NOTE:

Sorry, guys. No post tonight. Darth Final Exams are sucking up all of my writing time And I still think I'm gonna fail my exams

But never fear, the post WILL be up early tomorrow morning. I promise

 

Alright, here it is people

Please hold all rotten tomatoes and such for the end

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Han opened his eyes. All he could see was a white haze. Slowly, his eyes adjusted, but there was nothing to see but white. Am I dead? Han glanced down at his body. Instead of his usual garb, he was clad in a full length white robe. Aww, crap. I am dead. And why did I have to be dressed in hippie clothes? Chewie would have a field day with this.

Han tried to walk, but found that his legs wouldn?t move. However, before he could try anything else, things started to move. The white haze faded, and in its place was a vast sea of sand, dotted with scattered docking bays and trashy bars. A hauntingly familiar palace sat on the horizon. Damn. I've died and gone to hell. If I knew hell was gonna be on Tatooine, I'd have been extra careful with Leia.

He drifted inside a bar that was all too familiar. To his surprise, a grey haired old man and an annoying kid were talking with a younger version of himself and Chewbacca at a table in the corner. Great. This must be the part where your whole life flashes before your eyes. Now if I could only fast forward to the end, I'd be great.

He watched as the conversation progressed. This is where it all began. My life was great before I got involved with those crazy fools. As his younger self agreed to ferry Luke and Obi-Wan to Alderaan, Han mentally screamed, NO!! Don't do it! Run away, you fool! You don't want to get involved. Run now, before your wife kills you! Its all downhill from here, kid!

It was no use. They couldn't hear him. Their actions were already set in stone, tumbling down the side of the mountain called time, towards their doom. There wasn't anything they could do to change that. And Han, in his half-crossed over state, could only watch in horror as history played itself out in front of him.

Han watched as he helped Luke blow up the first Death Star. Everyone knew that Luke was an amazing pilot, but his feat that day had established him as one of the Rebellion's best. Luke had been so sure of himself, and he certainly had no problems handing out beat downs on evil-doers. I wonder what happened to that. Everyone had been ecstatic that day. The Empire had suffered a major loss at the hands of the Rebels, and everyone had been filled with hope. And look where it got us.

Han stared in horror as Leia kissed Luke in the med bay, even though he knew she had only done it to annoy him. Poor Luke. He never did have very good luck with the ladies. Its gotta be weird, being in love with your sister.

Another snapshot of his life flashed before his eyes. It was Prince Isolder, and the rest of his entourage, showering Leia with gifts, asking for her hand in marriage. He remembered how desperate he had been, knowing he couldn't compete with the Prince. Looking back on it, maybe I should've let him have her. That pansy wouldn?t have lasted half as long as I did.

Images of the day he married Leia were next. He remembered how stunningly beautiful she had looked. He remembered how his jaw had dropped at her beauty, and how he hadn't even tried to hide his awe. Han sighed to himself. Women are always more beautiful when they aren't trying to kill you.

He relived the day the twins were born. He had been so proud. At the time, they hadn't known that labor would cause Leia to have telekinetic twitches. She'd inadvertently destroyed the delivery room, injured a handful of doctors, and opened up a gash in his forehead that had taken 50 stitches to close. Leia always had weird ways of expressing her affection.

He had turned his life around, and finally had a wife and kids. How would have guessed? Han Solo, a father? He remembered thinking that Leia looked even more beautiful after

 

Another excellent post. Han's trip through his memories were very humorous Loved the stuff about baby Jacen too

Looking back on it, maybe I should've let him have her. That pansy wouldn?t have lasted half as long as I did

 

That is a very cruel spot to leave us. How long until the next post? Han's memories were funny though. Especially liked Leia destroying the delivery room with her telekinetic twitches. More please!

 

At least you gave us the warning, but I'll feel better once the next post is up.

 

Ahhh! Update! Now!

 

Whoops, I thought this was a one shot so I didn?t ?Active Topic Notify? it. Done now though.

As I said before poor Han.

Loved the idea that the kitchen was absolutely spotless but Leia told them to clean it, could be menopause or it could be just the contrast between what a man thinks is spotless and what a woman does. Of course since Jacen is channelling his feminine side it probably was the menopause.

Also loved them being traumatised by Threepios very detailed descriptions and holographic diagrams.

Liked that Jacen and Anakin fought, but closed ranks against Kyp.

One thing my pedant streak needs to mention though is that since a Jedi can control their metabolism (all those poison purging and stamina enhancing techniques) it is possible that the solution is as simple as getting Luke to help Leia meditate and let the force bring her back into balance.
Would explain why Mara stays young and fertile.

Of course if there is a solution then I hope they don?t find it soon as this is so funny, I can imagine some really good AUs if Leia had been prematurely menopausal in some of the novels...

 

Han's had such a bad life As long as he's not dead it was a great post. I kinda feel bad, Han's life would be easy is Leia didn't want to kill him through half of their relationship. I mean what made 10% of their relationship together was spent not fighting, arguing or killing each other.

 

YK:

Another excellent post. Han's trip through his memories were very humorous Loved the stuff about baby Jacen too

Thanks. I always wanted to go through the SW universe and make fun of stuff I'm glad you liked the baby Jacen/Jaina story. I was hoping somebody'd find that funny. Also, I had to take that shot at Isolder. Seemed like the "Han Solo" thing to do

SoloFan:

That is a very cruel spot to leave us. How long until the next post?


I'm sorry. If I included the next part it would've been a bit lengthy. Also, that was probably the best spot to leave it, for now. Also, I thought y'all might rebel against me if you thought I'd killed Han off, so I put the note telling you that he's ok.

Han's memories were funny though. Especially liked Leia destroying the delivery room with her telekinetic twitches. More please!

Yeah, I remember reading in one of the Dark Tide books how they had to put Ganner out when they were stitching up his face b/c they were afraid of his TK twitches. So I figured that labor pains might cause TK twitches too. Glad you liked it.

JadeDjo:

Yeah, sorry bout that. New post should be up tomorrow.

LauraAnu:

New post should be up tomorrow.

_JM_:

Whoops, I thought this was a one shot so I didn?t ?Active Topic Notify? it. Done now though.

That's ok, I'll forgive you this time

As I said before poor Han.

Yeah, Han has it rough.

Loved the idea that the kitchen was absolutely spotless but Leia told them to clean it, could be menopause or it could be just the contrast between what a man thinks is spotless and what a woman does. Of course since Jacen is channelling his feminine side it probably was the menopause.

Thanks. I thought that it'd be funny to have Leia ask them to clean the kitchen after it'd already been cleaned

Also loved them being traumatised by Threepios very detailed descriptions and holographic diagrams.

Yeah, Threepio doesn't know when to shut up

Liked that Jacen and Anakin fought, but closed ranks against Kyp.

You know what they say, blood flows thicker than water

One thing my pedant streak needs to mention though is that since a Jedi can control their metabolism (all those poison purging and stamina enhancing techniques) it is possible that the solution is as simple as getting Luke to help Leia meditate and let the force bring her back into balance.

I did research menopause and its symptoms before I wrote this story, but I didn't see anything about metabolism

Even if meditating could help her, I think she's a little too mad to meditate

Would explain why Mara stays young and fertile.

I'm not at liberty to talk about that But I will say that Mara will have a role in this fic.

Of course if there is a solution then I hope they don?t find it soon as this is so funny, I can imagine some really good AUs if Leia had been prematurely menopausal in some of the novels...

Exactly. You can't take the easy way out.

Thanks for reading, _JM_

Rose:

Yeah, Han has it rough And no, I didn't kill Han. You'll see him in the next post




The next post *should* be up tomorrow, probably in the evening. G'night, all!

 

I hope when Leia comes to her senses that she spends the next 10 years making it up to poor Han... or at least trying to!

 

Han?s not dead? Whew! You had me worried! That was just cruel! Funny and sweet, but cruel!

NO!! Don't do it! Run away, you fool! You don't want to get involved. Run now, before your wife kills you! Its all downhill from here, kid!

 

bump

 

Sorry about the lack of posts, guys. I'll try and get the next part online tonight. I may not, though. I'm in the process of moving out of my dorm, and into my new living arangements. As a result, I will be without the Internet for a few days Hopefully, I will be able to get my connection setup quickly so I can keep continuing this story. Please keep this alive for me while I move. I love all of you guys You're the greatest

 

Aww, this is sooooo good! I can't believe how awesome it's become, hehe. I love it, so hope to see more soon!

 

GreatOne:

I hope when Leia comes to her senses that she spends the next 10 years making it up to poor Han... or at least trying to!

Yeah, she sure should. But we'll see if it'll happen

red_rose_knight:

Han?s not dead? Whew! You had me worried! That was just cruel! Funny and sweet, but cruel!

Yeah, Han's not dead. And thank you for the compliments. And yeah, I enjoyed that line too. Things woulda turned out differently if he'd done that, huh?

Thanks for reading, red_rose!

YK: Thanks for the bump

Connemara:

Aww, thanks, Connemara

And I know I haven't posted in a while(almost a week!), so as a reward for being such great readers, I give you not one, but two posts!

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Han opened his eyes. All he could see was a white haze. This is getting a little old. Han glanced down at his body. He was clad in hospital gown that left his white, pasty legs showing. Aww, crap. This just keeps getting worse and worse.

"Dad? Can you hear me? Dad?"

Han blinked his eyes a few times and then took a startled jump back, only to find that he couldn't because he was strapped to a hospital bed. He looked again at the monster that had frightened him. His son Jacen was looking at him, tears pooling in his eyes.

"Oh, thank the Force! You're awake." Jacen exclaimed. Jacen motioned to Anakin, who was sitting nearby with Kyp Durron. "Would you go get the doctor?"

As Anakin left to fetch the doctor, Kyp said, "You really had us worrying there for a minute, Han."

"Yeah, we thought we were gonna lose you. I don't want to lose you, Dad." Jacen started crying.

Han looked at Kyp. "So I'm alive, then?"

Shrugging, Kyp said, "Sorry to be the bearer of bad new, buddy."

"Dammit. Tatooine was paradise compared to this."

"What are you talking about-"

"-Ah, Mr. Solo. You're awake." The doctor said, entering the room. "Let me check your vitals, and then you should be able to leave."

Wait a minute. If I stay here, she couldn't attack me, because there are so many people here.

Grabbing the doctor's arm, Han said, "No, wait. Doc, you have to let me stay. I'm, uhh, feeling terrible. My head is pounding, and its hard to breathe." Emphasizing his point, Han started to wheeze. When the doctor gave Han a skeptical look, he added, "You know, there have been a lot of respiratory diseases going around."

"Mr. Solo, I don't think you have a-"

"-I've heard they're pretty deadly. You'd better move me into isolation right away."

"Mr. Solo, you don't have a respiratory disease." Checking a few readings from a monitor, the doctor said, "In fact, you're healthy as a nerf. You're free to go."

Clutching one hand over his heart, the other clasping at his right arm, Han said in pained voice, "Oh, my. My chest hurts. And? and my ? my arm, there's a shooting p?pain in my arm." Looking up at the doctor dramatically, Han added, "I must be having a heart ? heart ? a? attack."

"Nice try, Mr. Solo. The nurse will be back to help you get checked out."

As the doctor went to leave, Han grabbed his arm again. "Look, doc. Here's the deal: My wife, well, she has this menopause thing. And she's a total nutcase right now. I mean, she's the one who put me in here."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Do you have any pills, or something? For her or me. Either way, just so it's quiet."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Solo. I don't know of any pills for menopause."

"Do you have any pain killers you can prescribe?"

"I know women undergo major changes during menopause, and I know some of them can be painful, but I don't think it warrants pain killers."

"They aren't for her, doc. They're for me."

The doctor walked out. "Goodbye, Mr. Solo."

After the doctor was gone, Han said, "Well, at least I tried."

"Are you all right, Han? You hit your head pretty har

 

"Luke, I know you're a little feminine, but isn't this a little far?" Han asked. ROTFL!!! This is actually one of my pet peeves..."we're pregnant" or "we're going to have a baby" Like **** the man is going to have the baby! The woman HAS the baby... the man just stands around uselessly while the woman is in agony! -- *backs off now before she gets all sithy* Nice posts! I still think Leia owes Han big time. And why aren't there pills to help? Even on this backwards planet of Earth there are pills!

 

Han needs to have Leia committed, or something. I loved Luke's "I'm pregnant!"...Luke can be so weird sometimes!

 

Hold Jacen above the lawn and use him as a sprinkler.

I think Luke needs to go Sith on Kyp and Han. Kyp seems to have forgotten that he was being Exar Kuns little puppy dog at the time and despite how much Joruus C?Boath beat up on Han he seems to have forgotten that Luke was fighting a dark Jedi master at the same time as his clone.

Interesting that Luke didn?t know what menopause was either, I didn?t think he was as much of a moron as the others (and he doesn?t have the ?raised in the mines of Kessel? / ?raised by a female Wookie? excuse). Was a little unfair to threaten him with Threepio?s holoshow, though I think Luke would probably just go ?Oh! Time of Life!? (or another more colloquial term).

 

two posts because we waited?! I'm so proud of you!

Wait a minute. If I stay here, she couldn't attack me, because there are so many people here.



"Actually, Anakin, I agree with you." Jacen said. "Uncle Luke is a great Jedi. What kind of Jedi sits around and watches while his fellow Jedi are slaughtered and betrayed? The greatest kind, that's what."

LMAO!!!!!!!

"Son, if you get any more girly I'm gonna have to buy you a dress and start calling you Jackie."

I'm thinking about putting that line in my sig.....

I somehow think Mara' pregnancy won't be a secret long enough.....

Great post, Amos This is the funniest fic I've ever read on these boards!