Saga Dearly Departed Darth (Humor Challenge)

Title ? Dearly Departed Darth
Author ? Baroncoop
Characters - Vader, Stormtroopers
Genre - Humor
Timeframe ? Ewoks, big kaboom, and a little sith roasting on an open fire.
Summary ? Humor challenge. Write a eulogy of one character from the perspective of another. Just how much would the stormtroopers miss Vader anyway?

?We interrupt your broadcast for this special news bulletin.? The stormtroopers in the break room looked at each other in apprehension. If it was important enough to interrupt As the Death Star Turns, it was bad enough to be dangerous for the average stormtrooper. The last time the troopers? stories were interrupted, they had to go to Hoth.

?We just received word that the Death Star has been destroyed, and initial reports are that both Emperor Palpatine and Lord Vader have both been killed by the Rebellion.? The news anchor on the screen visibly thought about something for a moment before continuing. ?I suppose that this means the Rebels are in charge now, and I for one, welcome our new Rebel overlords, and praise Luke Skywalker?s name.? Mumbles could be heard from off-screen.

?Really?? the anchor said. ?It doesn?t work that way? Ah, crap. ?The screen went to black as a couple of security personnel grabbed him by his shoulders. The stormtroopers turned off the TV, and looked around at each other, checking their reactions.

?Well,? began one. ?That?s not too bad.? There was a moment of silence as each trooper contemplated what this news meant for them.

?No.? another troop answered slowly. ?That?s not bad at all. I mean, we?ll miss him leading us around and all, but I?m not going to miss the other stuff.? A loud chorus of ?No.?, ?Me neither.? And ?Got THAT right? followed that comment.

?And at least now, we won?t have to worry about the surprise noogies anymore.? A new trooper said.

?Or him snapping his cape at us in the locker room.? Muttered a stormtrooper, massaging his aching buttocks.

?Or the constant prank calls at 3 in the morning.? piped in another. ?Like we don?t know it?s him with that respirator.?

?He actually told me that my ringing phone was keeping him up all night, after he had been calling me.? Said an angry and resentful trooper.

?That?s nothing. One time, he made me wash his AT-AT, and then he took it out and when he brought it back, it had a bunch of rebels and an airspeeder smooshed under the feet.? The mood in the room was turning quite resentful, as each of the troopers remembered a different indignity that Lord Vader had perpetrated towards them.

?Remember when Vader would send me to the dry cleaners to pick up his cape??

?Oh, man, he used to send me out for Chinese food all the time.?

"He made me find the remote control one time, even though it was under the couch cushions that HE was sitting on, then he accused me of stealing it!" said one especially resentful troop.

?He called me Slugathor.? A broken shell of a stormtrooper sobbed into his helmet.

?Man, I got you all topped.? Interrupted a stormtrooper. ?I once found out where the secret rebel base was, but when I told him, he acted like he never heard me. Five minutes later, he?s telling Piet to head for the Hoth system. Like it was HIS idea.?

The room dissolved into an angry chorus of remembered insults, taunts, and rudeness, with no one voice able to be heard above any other. Finally, a voice broke in to the conversation from the intercom placed in the ceiling.

?Attention! Attention! All stormtroopers!? The voice began. ?The Imperial Government has declared that the death of Lord Vader is a sad thing, and he will be mourned and missed. Implement Order 68. That is all.? The stunned stormtroopers nervously glanced around at each other for a long moment.

?I?m sure gonna miss Lord Vader.? Said a suddenly anonymous and helmeted stormtrooper.

?Me too.? Said an equally helmeted troop. ?So tragic.?