main
side
curve
  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

JCC Debo's Star Wars Memories Spectacular

Discussion in 'Community' started by Debo, Dec 12, 2001.

  1. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    That's right. A self-glorifying thread.

    ...In which I'm going to post my Star Wars memories just to bore the Hell out of you. This thread, in which I'm king and emperor, will serve as an extended bio of yours truly.

    I will add posts to it whenever I take some time off from studying (until I start boring myself with it that is; then I'm going to let it die an unheroic death). Be warned.

    A long time ago, I had an ESB sticker set (Yoda, Luke Dagobah, Han Bespin, Leia Bespin, Falcon Bespin, Chewie in Falcon, C3PO and R2D2) that I had obtained at a little village market near where I live. The bloke sold it to me for one guilder (about two dollars). It must have been pretty old, because I bought it in 1984, when I was 8.

    At home, I stuck them all on my bedroom wall. By then I had only seen and been aware of ROTJ, so I had no idea where these pictures came from. They just fell out of heaven as far I was concerned. When my mother saw the stickers in my room she sort of laughed because there were two stickers of completely stripped girls included. The fellow at the market must have put them in the set by accident, or perhaps assumed that they were part of Jabba's entourage. I had dutifully stuck them on the wall next to the others.

    Talk about end of Star Wars magic... For me that was just the beginning. *snorts*


    *annoyingly* See ya!

     
  2. 1sicmaggot

    1sicmaggot Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Nov 6, 2001
  3. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    Hello everybody! Welcome to today's post.

    I think it'd be fun, and justified, to talk about Captain Panaka today. You remember Panaka, of course: he was the utterly worthless 'protector' of Queen Amidala in TPM. Why he was ever hired we'll never know, but these things don't matter; with a character as worthless as Panaka, these posts just seem to write themselves.

    Why was he so utterly worthless? Let's take a look.

    First off, the Golden Rule of Panaka: Whatever he says, whatever he thinks, has to be contradicted and refuted. Everybody in TPM neatly follows that rule.

    "I don't think this is a battle that we can win", the aggressive zombie gnarls to Amidala at one point, spelling doom for the Galaxy as is his wont. He's wrong, of course. "There are too many of them!" he cries during a fight with battle droids, and it takes a Qui-Gon to ease the situation with a "That won't be a problem." Exit utterly worthless Panaka.

    Man, now that I think about it: he is outright ridiculous. Can't do a thing right. He just dabbles along with Queen Amidala -- but she continually humiliates him. He tells her to stay on Coruscant: she goes to Naboo. He doesn't want her to go to Tatooine: she goes. Behold this exchange, and, for fun effect, imagine Panaka speaking with Threepio's voice:

    WORTHLESS PANAKA: "You can't take Her Royal Highness there. The Hutts are gangsters! If they discover her...!"

    No wonder he has to stay in the Royal Ship once they're on Tatooine. For a while they're freed of his scaremonger practices.

    Further on in the film, Amidala tells him to drop his weapons after they lost a fight with battle droids, but he's not sure. Naturally, he has to obey eventually. -- Captured by battle droids! Can you believe it! They're the most ineffective things in the Galaxy, not counting Panaka, and they succeed in capturing Panaka and his crew!

    All through the film he's complaining, the only thing he does with any degree of success. That he's not in AOTC doesn't surprise me. Padme had to get rid of him or she would have hanged herself.

    Anyway, hopefully Typho is a bit more effective -- though the fact he's related to Panaka is not a very good sign.

    *annoyingly* See ya!
     
  4. Kiki-Gonn

    Kiki-Gonn Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 26, 2001
    Someone's hyperdrive seems to be leaking.
     
  5. B'omarr

    B'omarr Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Apr 7, 2000
    You know, these are very well written. They're also witty and informative at the same time! Like a drunken newscaster.
     
  6. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    *as a Bond villain, one that resides in old windy German castles and the like* Grrrrrrrreetings! And welcome to my new post. Yes, yet another. Read....or die. (At least I give you the choice).

    I was 9 when something awful happened. It was my birthday, and birthdays, at least from my 7th year to my 11th year, meant STAR WARS. They meant toys. They meant joy. They meant completing my monstrous Storm Trooper army (in the end something strange happened: by the time I got my 50th trooper, the first 10 had discolored and turned yellow).

    Sure enough, everything was going as planned that day: I got lots of cool figures, lots of cool play sets. My Storm Trooper army actually stood some chance against my Rebel Alliance now. (Still, they could never beat the 15 Luke Skywalkers: while Luke Bespin Outfit made a feint, Luke Hoth Outfit charged, lightsabre ignited, and Luke Tatooine Outfit covered him).

    But then my Grandma arrived. She came up to me in my throne room and, after I had succesfully averted her attempt to kiss me, gave me my present. I unwrapped it, and yes! I recognized the familiar Star Wars title card.

    Boy, was I fooled. It was Star Wars alright. But the joke was on me. She had bought me 'Rancor Keeper'. Yes, the bald ugly pig guy -- the only character in Star Wars that looked like a Buddha, and cried like a girl. The only one that could beat Prune Face at being useless. Rancor Keeper. I didn't even have the Rancor Monster -- what was there to keep? No way on Earth he could join my Storm Trooper army, and my Rebel Alliance, though usually glad to see new recruits, didn't want cry-piggie too.

    So he was all alone. No place to call his own. Until I did get the Rancor Monster, and Jabba -- but that was much later. Until that time, he was title holder of 'The Grandma Gift', a title that was later acquired by Nien Numb, who never got even near The Falcon when Chewie and Han were in it.

    Well, a tragedy, isn't it?

    See ya!
     
  7. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    *maniacal laughter*

    Today we are -- I am -- going to talk about R5-D4.

    Because he's back! In AOTC. It says so on the official site. This time he won't disappoint you.

    R5-D4 didn't have a bad motivator -- he faked it.

    Here, from ANH: The Jawas sell R5-D4 to Luke and it explodes. After Luke asks Owen if they could buy R2-D2 instead, you see a shot of R2's head with an intact R5-D4 in the background. See? Didn't I tell you he faked it? He just repaired himself immediately and went back in line. Good one.

    He just didn't feel like joining in on an adventure with a whining farmboy and a panicky gold droid. And who can blame him? He, wisely, opted not to go on a journey with Threepio and Luke, but decided to let R2 do the job instead. And the rest, as you know, is history. The fate of the Galaxy would be different without him. Hmmmm, wait a sec: that's not true. Without R5-D4, Owen Lars would have bought R2-D2 immediately. So, eh...).

    Oh well. I'm going to defend the other side now: R5-D4 is a pathetic little droid. The Pete Best of Star Wars, who missed out on the great adventure. A pathetic droid, and evil. Yes, evil. Behold THIS, the true reason Prorkins died:

    [image=http://porkins.home.insightbb.com/R5D42.jpg]

    And just before Porkins bites the dust, the bastard droid has EJECTED:

    [image=http://porkins.home.insightbb.com/R5D43.jpg]

    What do you think about that, my friend?

    They say that in AOTC, we'll see Watto giving him the famous bad motivator. Yeah, right. Some bad motivator if the thing lasts, what is it, 30 years, up to ANH. That's not a bad motivator. That's a SUPER POWER MOTIVATOR.

    Why does Luke call R5-D4 an 'R2 unit' in ANH, anyway? Is he blind? Is he mentally retarded? Is he an annoying whining farmboy that likes to pick up whores at Tushi Station and calls them 'power converteeeers'? Here:

    Owen is negotiating with the head Jawa. Luke and the two robots start off for the garage when a plate pops off the head of the red astro-droid's head plate and it sparks wildly.

    LUKE: Uncle Owen...

    OWEN: Yeah?

    LUKE: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look!

    OWEN: (to the head Jawa) Hey, what're you trying to pull on us?


    Another insane thing: the POTF action figure of R5-D4, which I bought when I was supposed to be dating, has a rocket launcher in his head. A rocket launcher! What kind of insane non-human supplies a droid that has a bad motivator with a rocket launcher? No wonder all Hell broke loose in that Galaxy.

    LUKE: "That droid has a bad motivator."

    OWEN: "Leave it then -- oh no, wait: I'll buy the thing. We'll put a rocket launcher in it tonight and roll it into the streets of Mos Espa for a laugh."


    Or, in AOTC, like Luke did with R2-D2 in ROTJ: Anakin could store his lightsabre in R5-D4's head. Then he presses the wrong button to retrieve it and BANG -- rocket in his face. Injuries. Vader suit.

    Anyway, I have a personal R5-D4 story. I once met him. There was a Star Wars exhibition in Rotterdam, where they showed costumes and props from the film, way back in -- was it '85? I was 9. People gazed at Darth Vader, touched Storm Troopers, shook hands with Chewbacca, were photographed with Boba Fett.

    R5-D4 was there, standing in a corner, but no one even looked at him. Well, I did, but he didn't see me. He just stood there, staring into space (I somehow suspect his AOTC role will require just that of him). I recognized him because I had his action figure.

    Sad, eh? I did what Owen and Luke never did: I bought R5-D4.

    Sad. Almost as sad as you are.

    *annoyingly* See ya!
     
  8. B'omarr

    B'omarr Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Apr 7, 2000
    [face_laugh]

    Oh man, this stuff is awsome! The Rancor Keeper without the Rancor [face_laugh] It's funny because it's true!
     
  9. Darth_AYBABTU

    Darth_AYBABTU Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 8, 2001

    Good Lord, this is the best damn thread ever.

    Keep 'em coming!

    AYBABTU

     
  10. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    [the screen scrambles, my face appears]

    Grrrrreetings! And welcome to my thread. I see most of you are avoiding it like the plague, which satisfies me greatly. Soon you'll sing a different tune when my thread becomes a THREAT to world order as we know it.

    Well, today I'm going to reveal something you all have not been waiting for, but will get rammed down your throat violently anyway: the TOP 10 of LAMEST STAR WARS FIGURES EVER. Let's start right away.

    10. BOSHEK

    [image=http://img65.photobucket.com/albums/v197/reignontour/potjbosheklooseaim.jpg]

    BoShek is one strange rocker. Everything -- his suit, his helmet, his blaster, his sideburns -- screams 'tough pilot', yet, when Ben Kenobi, who was looking for a pilot, approached him, he referred the old geezer to the first gigantic aggressive werewolf he saw. Mind you, BoShek, like Han Solo, was a smuggler too, according to the Hasbro propaganda. When the loser realized that he had just missed the job of a lifetime, he must have smacked his forehead a few times.
    Now Hasbro has given you the chance to give RetroShek something to do. You can buy the fella. However, since he has no spaceship, no friends, no organization, no nothing, just his obnoxious presence, you will either have to invent your own stupid EU story around him, or you have to buy the whole damn Cantina so that you can let him drink away his sorrows at the bar. Or you can let him rot in the stores. It's up to you.

    9. LOBOT

    [image=http://img65.photobucket.com/albums/v197/reignontour/vintlobotloose.jpg]

    You knew you were in for trouble when someone gave you Lobot for your birthday. It was the Star Wars equivalent of waking up with a dead horse's head in your bed. Someone, obviously, didn't like you. Lobot, the silent freak, never talked, so you had to come up with a voice for him. Also, you had to have Lando, because without Lando, Lobot had nobody to stand next to. He did have a gun, but who was he going to shoot -- Vader? Fett? Lando? Even his gun was useless. A fitting accessory.

    8. 8D8

    [image=http://img65.photobucket.com/albums/v197/reignontour/vint8d8loose.jpg]

    8D8's description says it all: "The assistant to EV-9D9 in Jabba's Droid Center, the droid 8D8 tortures a small power droid to submission." With descriptions like that, this entry just writes itself.
    8D8 was the reason many sane kids were forced to undergo therapy. Imagine the shock when a mother sees her son using an action figure to torture other action figures. How would you react? Alarms bells start ringing. Psychiatrists enter. Traumas and broken families ensue. Thanks, Kenner.

    7. GENERAL CRIX MADINE

    [image=http://img65.photobucket.com/albums/v197/reignontour/vintmadineloose.jpg]

    No list of lousiest characters is complete without Madine. Yes, Madine devised a plan to deactivate the Death Star's energy field, or at least that was what we were led to believe, but his hair, his face, his outfit and above all his face prevented any kid from giving this humanoid any authority in his toy Rebel Alliance. Also, he was supplied with a 'battle staff', a simple schoolmaster's stick that his superiors told him was very useful, because no way they would let him have a gun.

    6. NIEN NUNB

    [image=http://img65.photobucket.com/albums/v197/reignontour/vintneinnunbloose-m.jpg]

    Nien Nunb could fly the Falcon, which was the only thing he did in ROTJ. Still, every normal kid owned at least one Han Solo and one Chewbacca, so there really was no use for Nien Nunb. The worst thing was his voice and language, a strange gurgle that no kid could imitate -- so the only thing left for Nien Nunb to do was sit still in the Falcon's main room. Nien Numb would have been a more suitable name.

    5. POWER DROID

    [image=http://img65.photobucket.com/albums/v197/reignontour/vintpowerdroidloose-m.jpg]

    You knew this one would make the list. Power Droid sometimes was referred to as Gonk, because that was the sound he made. Should the same way of determining one's name be ap
     
  11. DARK_SCORE

    DARK_SCORE Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 26, 2000
    Debo, you are the funniest guy in this forum... and perhaps the entire SW galaxy!

    *** Kneels before the sarcastic battledroid in mock veneration ***

    By the way, have you ever been to www.x-entertainment.com? Lots of very funny Star Wars figure stories over there too! See you back in the R5 thread when I'm back at work on Monday!

    D_S
     
  12. Gorm_the_Dissolver

    Gorm_the_Dissolver Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 4, 2001
    Yeah! Go Debo! This thread (almost) beats your fab-u-lous R5-D4 tread! See you in there. You rock...etc.
     
  13. Darth_Destructo

    Darth_Destructo Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 2, 2001
    I foresee a career in Script Writing for you...
    ;)
     
  14. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    *opens his eyes*

    Ah! I see you have arrived. Welcome to my thread. It's reassuring to know that it still keeps obnoxious gophers away.

    Today I am going to relate a story that took place when I was about 8 or 9.

    I was the kid with the most Star Wars toys in the neighbourhood. In Holland, probably. I had all the main characters, in all their different guises (yes, that includes the girly Han Solo ANH figure), and their ships, I had many a freak, like Squid Head, and I had stuff like Jabba's Band, the Ewok Treehouse, and Yoda's Home. To secure my superiority, I had AT-AT's, X-Wings, Tie-Fighters and Shuttles. Normally, they'd fight against each other, Good vs. Evil, but when my nephew came to play and brought along his puny army, they'd all join hands and crushed it mercilessly.

    Anyway, one day I heard at school there was another fellow with a Star Wars toy collection. Naturally, I was delighted. My nephew didn't exactly live next door, so most days my Star Wars toys had to battle one another. You see, it's the same as when you trap a group of pigs: they start destroying each other.

    I met 'the other kid' via a mutual friend, and we agreed to meet up at my holy place the same afternoon. He would bring his toys, I would show off mine, and we would play until late, very late, in the evening.

    Sure enough, he came. With his mother, because he had one of those mothers that never missed a chance to spy in other people's houses while pretending to be 'interested' in the sort of people her son rubbed shoulders with.

    He had two -- two -- shopping bags full of toys with him. I let him carry the stuff upstairs, because I had to spare energy to smash his army later on, and we unpacked.

    It looked good. He had toys I didn't have, like the AT-ST and the Desert Sail Skiff, and the sucker had even managed to obtain the unwanted, un-sought-after and generally avoided Dengar.

    But then terror struck. You won't believe it, as I almost didn't then, but he had actually never seen the films. Not one of them. He had all these toys, all these prizes, but was clueless as to what it all meant. What's worse, he had invented his own horrible story around it, a story so incredibly unreal it would have scared the Hell out of even the most third-rate EU hack.

    In a brief moment, space turned and twisted upon itself. While I was gasping for breath, he explained how, in his wicked Galaxy, his Han Solo's formed a group of special fighters that battled a group of evil special fighters, that consisted of Chewbacca and Lando, among others. His Emperor was Han's wise old mother (!), and his Storm Trooper was a robot that helped his Solo army. His Bob Fortuna was a wizard. A wizard! Wizard, Ani!

    In my panic I tried to explain that there were films attached to the toys, or the other way round actually, and who belonged to the good guys and who was evil, but then he decided I was lying and nothing could convince him otherwise.

    Then we started playing. My Storm Troopers, utterly confused, suddenly had to fight a lone Storm Trooper who had been told he was a robot; my Chewbacca had to fight a battered version of himself; all Hell broke loose when it was discovered that the Emperor had a clone somewhere that gave himself out as a friendly old woman.

    Of course, now you think: he is going to say that when the kid left, he was banned from the house forever -- but alas, I wish that I could say that. He, under the impression he had a like-minded friend, came back many, many times, whenever his mother visited mine. He always brought his deranged, brainwashed toys with him, that immediately started to pound and beat mine maniacally (their whole bodies were used as hammers that rose up in the air and rammed everything that was associated with me), and whose supreme leader was the old Anakin Skywalker.

    My army could never stop the invasion. Soon, I began hiding certain delicate toys such as the Imperial Shuttle and R2-D2. It went even so far that I bought old toys off my nephew and recruited them for my army: old, dam
     
  15. DARTH_CELLPHONE

    DARTH_CELLPHONE Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 5, 2001
    Debo your personal thread is pretty damn funny. I'm inspired to do one of my own, but I need time to work on my material. Dude, dynamite stuff.

    P.S. R5-D4 Rocks!!! I had to, it is a Debo thread.
     
  16. DARK_SCORE

    DARK_SCORE Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 26, 2000
    Please keep it coming, Debo! :D
     
  17. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    Bonsoir! And welcome to my new post. Daring of you to read it...punk.

    Alright, before I lose myself in cursing and damning you, let's start with today's topic:

    FASHION SHOW OF THE SURROGATE STAR WARS GALAXY!

    Yes, you heard it right. The event actually happened in a Galaxy far, further away. A Galaxy that was devoid of many famous faces, but had plenty annoying surrogate knock-off characters to replace them with. Let's examine four good guys, four bad guys and then call it a day.

    1. DASH RENDAR

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2dash-f.jpg]

    In sharp contrast to Han Solo, Dash Rendar was a smuggler, pilot and mercenary that flew his own cool unbeatable ship. The Outrider, as it was called, was one of the fastest vessels in the Galaxy, and deadly at that. Here we see Dash showing his gargantuan weaponry, powerful armour, and hilarious Beatle wig.

    2. RORWORR

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJinvtheedrorworr3.JPG]

    Not Dash's companion, but close. Rorworr, a huge walking carpet so to speak, is a friendly Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk that loves adventures. He is a brave creature and a good fighter, that carries his bowcaster with him everywhere he goes. Here we see him wearing his Chewbacca ROTJ style haircut -- the same Chewbacca he borrowed his bandolier from.

    3. K-3PO

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJk3po1.jpg]

    K-3PO, a protocol droid, is a friendly fella that, by sheer coincidence, looks exactly the same as a 9-year-old Tatooine inhabitant's garage experiment. K-3PO was responsible for co-ordinating the evacuation of Hoth, a great and complex Rebel operation only a translator droid could pull off. In the picture you can see him with his "Stentronic Sensor Pack" -- and judging by the look on his face, he doesn't know what the thing is for either.

    4. R2-Q5

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potj/POTJr2q5.jpg]

    A nifty and smart astromech, R2-Q5 can show holograms like no other astromech can. He is specialized in maintaining weapons and security systems. And starship diagnostics and repairs. Well, a smart droid, like I said. In the picture, we see him looking at a giant lollipop in the form of the Death Star. Also, he likes adventures.

    5. CLONED EMPEROR

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2euemperor-f.jpg]

    In the surrogate Universe, the biggest threat to world order is a cloned Emperor Palpatine. Like second-rate versions go, this over-the-top Palpatine has a lightsabre, big flashy eyes of evil and a costume temporarily borrowed from Elvira.

    6. IMPERIAL SENTINEL

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2eusentinel-f.jpg]

    Because every Palpatine must have cool, silent guards, the cloned emperor, not wanting to be inferior, has hired imperial sentinels. They perfectly match the required characteristics: they are red, masked, dressed in long robes and carry big axes. Oh, and they're supposedly very dangerous.

    7. GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2euthrawn-b.jpg]

    A tactical and military genius, the Imperial 'grand' admiral Thrawn would have been played by an English horror actor had he appeared in the original films. Always planning and plotting, Thrawn listens to no one and won't rest until his evil plans have succeeded. Needless to say, he dies.

    8. PRINCE XIZOR

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/potf2/POTF2xizor-f.jpg]

    At a time when fat crime lords are no longer cool, you can always count on Prince Xizor. The Prince, head of a Galaxy-wide crime organization, claims his lack of emotion is due to the fact his ancestry has evolved from reptiles -- you know, big fat slimey slugs and the like. He always has lots of evil plans that involve smugglers.

    Not to mention Dark Troopers.

    See ya!
     
  18. DARK_SCORE

    DARK_SCORE Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 26, 2000
    *** The crowd bays for more ***
     
  19. B'omarr

    B'omarr Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Apr 7, 2000
    I'm in tears [face_laugh]

    Good God, this is funny. You should start your own site, Debo
     
  20. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    [UFO lands]

    Ave all, and welcome to my thread. Despite the ongoing cold war against it, there are still a few keen souls out there who seem to appreciate it, and since I hate to keep them waiting, let's start right away.

    WATCH OUT, CHEWIE!

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/micro/micro-hothwampa-front.jpg]

    Notice how Han consequently aims at the poor Wookiee.

    And that's today's topic: Star Wars insanity. I'll give you a few examples of some of the greater excesses.

    I may have been the only one in the world, but when I was a kid there was one thing that irritated me madly: Star Wars toy boxes. The people who made these things never seemed to get it right. I mean, take a look at this parallel Star Wars Universe:

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/micro/micro-dscompactor-catalog.jpg]

    While Ben Kenobi is fighting Darth Vader, Luke and Leia are busy listening to what appears to be a moving plea for peace by a philosophical Storm Trooper. "Stop! I'm an individual! I don't want this! Can't we all just get along?" On the second floor, meanwhile, Han is getting shot.

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/micro/micro-bespinworld-front.jpg]

    Let's call this playset Clone Factory Gone Berserk. On the left, we see Darth Vader fighting with Luke. Behind Vader, in an unprecedented fit of courage, there's traitor Lando blocking the doorway. One can guess his complete confusion when, right below him, he sees another Luke vs. Vader duel commencing! In fact, unbeknownst to him, everywhere in Bespin World Luke vs. Vader fights are taking place; the place is full of girly screams, heavy breathing, and lightsabres clashing. Meanwhile, the Vader on the far right is giving the Hitler salute (there's no Luke to duel with), while, goddammit, yet another Vader oversees Han 1 being frozen in carbonite. Next to Han 1, Han 2 is waiting for his turn to be frozen. Notice Lobot shooting at the frozen Han -- a bit cowardly, don't you think? Lobot wasn't picked as one of the lamest figures for nothing.

    Let's take the insanity one step further. Be warned, after this you may not want to live anymore.


    ***SPOILER WARNING: THIS MAY SPOIL STAR WARS FOR YOU***



    [image=http://www.filed1974.com/monsters/gif/15237.gif]

    Who's that singing "Swanee"? That's right: The Al Jolson Threepio! It's a relief to know that whatever you do, you will never sink to the level of sadness this fella has reached. You can be guaranteed to be spit upon if you dare to wear this suit.

    [image=http://www.bergencounty.com/costumes/starwars/r-15860.jpg]

    And here we have the reason Anakin gets a little out of control in AOTC. Can you imagine wearing this to a party?

    COOL GUEST: "Hahaha -- excuse me, but what are you?"

    YOU: [sweating, nearly inaudible]: "A Tusken Raider."

    COOL GUEST: [still laughing] "A what?"

    YOU: "Tusken Raider. Sand People."

    COOL GUEST: [to the others]: "Hey everybody, looks like someone is looking for a fight!"

    [image=http://www.bergencounty.com/costumes/starwars/14083.jpg]

    No reason to get big-headed, Dwarf Maul.

    But if you really want to get beat up everywhere you go, then wear this:

    [image=http://www.halloweencostumes4u.com/closeups/rub15400.jpg]

    Let's call this one radioactive Yoda. This is what happens when you're on Naboo when it changes into Dagobah.

    Natural logic dictates that I should now show you this:

    [image=http://www.halloweencostumes4u.com/closeups/rub15572.jpg]

    And I comply. To top off today's sea of insanity, here are some Commtech Chips. First, Darth Maul's:

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/ep1/EP1maulsgchip.jpg]

    "Tattoos are cool. You should get one. Are you too chicken to get one?"

    Obi-Wan's:

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/ep1/EP1obiwansgchip.jpg]

    "You are a pathetic lifeform. Nobody loves you. Why don't you end your life now?"

    Jar-Jar's:

    [image=http://www.rebelscum.com/ep1/EP1jarjarchip.jpg]

    "Mesa hate yousa! Listening to your parents is baaad bombin!"


    See ya!
     
  21. Terra

    Terra Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 25, 2000
    Incredibly entertaining stuff!
     
  22. Darth_Destructo

    Darth_Destructo Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 2, 2001
  23. DARTH_CELLPHONE

    DARTH_CELLPHONE Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 5, 2001
    Debo, anyone who is at cold war with you is crazy. I really liked the fashion show. Here's my beef, why did Xizor have Tera-Kasis anyways? I don't even think he could even use them! Oh wait, nevermind I don't like EU anyways. Mainly because of junk like that, and clone emperors, AND Macemillian Winduarte. Sorry Debo, this is a memories spectacular, not a memories craptacular. My bad for bringing the mood down. Keep up this great personal thread man, the remarks about the figures are awesome!
     
  24. Debo

    Debo Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 27, 2001
    [thinks]

    'K then. Welcome to my thread.

    Yesterday I brought up the question of Kenner's sometimes, let's say, unruly way of packaging Star Wars toys. I, for one, always flew in a rage when some box showed Han talking to Dengar, or Kenobi shooting a legion of Storm Troopers. Stuff that never happened in the movies.

    Today, due to the overwhelming success of my previous post, I am going to show you some more examples from the Kenner archive of drunken mishaps. You know, the company that brought you this:

    [image=http://img65.photobucket.com/albums/v197/reignontour/vintlukebespinloose-m.jpg]

    Yep, you all remember it: the yellow lightsabre. The freaking yellow lightsabre. I always wondered what, what inner demons and whispering voices, drove the people at Kenner to give Luke that sabre. I mean, I could live with the fact that the figure didn't resemble Mark Hamill no way and that it looked more like a bleached Bruce Lee -- but a yellow lightsabre? What were they thinking? "Oh, what the heck -- it's just kids that buy this sort of stuff. They won't notice. Make it yellow -- make it go with the hair."

    Yet the same infiltrated alien lifeform with an eye problem must have been responsible for this:

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/12inch/12in-ben-front.jpg]

    Again, a yellow one. Did the people at Kenner follow their own rules and storylines or something? Did I miss anything? Here, to prove I'm not making this up:

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/12inch/12in-ben-catalog.jpg]

    It is yellow. Somehow, I get this vision when thinking about it:

    LUCAS: "And remember: lightsabres are either red, blue or green."

    KENNER: [thinking] (And yellow).

    LUCAS: "So one red, one blue, and one green."

    KENNER: (And yellow).


    And look at the size of that thing. No wonder he bit the dust. With a sabre like that, you can't even chop off a finger. Vader must have laughed himself silly when Kenobi ignited his sabre. Apparently, lightsabres shrink with age too.

    The absurdity doesn't end there. Feast your eyes on this:

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/12inch/12in-vader-front.jpg]

    Purple?? I know there are rumours of Mace Windu being a traitor, but this is a bit too much, isn't it? It doesn't even look like a sabre -- more like a purple spray. As if Vader is busy watering the plants in the Death Star with, you know, 'Denkklata'Ak' or something.
    Here, a close-up of the mad toy:

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/12inch/12in-vader-back-thumb.jpg]

    Clearly someone at Kenner had his colors mixed up. Not that that surprises me, with the complete anarchy that ruled the company in the 70s. And, goddammit, when I say 'complete anarchy' I mean that:

    [image=http://www.toysrgus.com/images-toys/12inch/12in-st-catalog.jpg]

    Man! Pics like that make you wonder if they ever took the trouble to go see the films they were making toys from like madmen. What kind of anti-anti-climax is this: Vader poking Obi-Wan with his purple stick while some lost Storm Troopers are watching?

    I hate to think about what could have happened if Lucas had given Kenner even more freedom: a 6"7 Yoda? A white Lando? Storm Troopers with lightsabres?

    With friends like the one I talked about a few posts back, and a toy company like Kenner, who needs the EU?

    I don't. And don't worry about Anakin having a red sabre on the teaser poster.

    See ya!

     
  25. Lobot_Omy

    Lobot_Omy Moderator Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 9, 2001
    LOL Vader is in fact Mace Windu!

    Edit: You're right Kenner should have put out a hair-styling lobot doll. :D