Before Desperate Journey (Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, OCs) Updated 6/02/06! Author responses up!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by brodiew, May 18, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. brodiew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 2005
    star 5
    Title: Desperate Journey
    Author: brodiew
    Timeframe: 13 years prior to TPM
    Characters: Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, OCs
    Genre: drama/action
    Note: I'm certainly no Qui-gon expert, not even mildly educated, but I have seen TPM and that counts for something. Qui-gon has become more interesting to me than ever before. I'm going to combine the third and fifth challenges from the Qui-gon challenge thread in this short story. I know the opening is short, but there is more to come. I hope it works. I may just include the current challenge of killing Qui-gon. The possibilities are endless!

    Third Challenge - Action Qui-Gon
    Fifth Challenge - Broken Nose Write about how Qui-Gon got his broken nose. It can be any era, canon or AU.

    The cut underneath his left eye was bleeding as was the gaping wound in his side. His muscles ached and the slightest movement resulted in pain. Qui-gon Jinn sat cross legged, on the muddy ground, his hands tied behind his back. His head was down and his normally long sandy brown hair was a mat sweat, mud, and whatever other little critters lived in the jungle.

    The extreme discomfort of his injuries would not allow a healing trance to last longer than mere minutes, and, for an instant, he despaired. If he was not able to free himself soon, he would bleed to death, Jedi Master or not. He must live, if for no other reason than to get his padawan to safety.

    Obi-wan lay unconscious only a few feet away, but it seemed parsecs. Qui-gon could see superficial wounds on Obi-wan?s face, and his torn tunic, but the Force told him the boy was not seriously hurt.

    Scanning the small camp, he saw none of his captors. He did, however, hear faint laughter distance. These mercenaries had to be confident to leave two Jedi alone for any length of time.

    Qui-gon unfolded his legs, stealing himself, as much as possible, to the shooting pain in his side. Leaning over, he fell to ground.

    ?Oof,? escaped his clenched teeth, but nothing else. Lying on his uninjured side, Qui-gon called the Force to him. He brought his knees up and pushed with his legs toward Obi-Wan.

    To be contniued...
  2. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Oh dear. My beloved master is not doing so well here.

    Nice start brodiew, you are planning on him living here aren't you??? o_O :p
  3. VA_Parky Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 10, 2005
    star 4
    Awwww! I love Qui-gon's concern for Obi-wan here. He seems so protective and caring... [face_love] I really like the easy way you've communicated the depth of their relationship.

    This paragraph was especially gripping (actually made me wince, in fact):

    The cut underneath his left eye was bleeding as was the gaping wound in his side. His muscles ached and the slightest movement resulted in pain. Qui-gon Jinn sat cross legged, on the muddy ground, his hands tied behind his back. His head was down and his normally long sandy brown hair was a mat sweat, mud, and whatever other little critters lived in the jungle.

    Great job, brodiew! This is my very first post in "Before the Saga." And so I will wrap it up with this request: please put me on the PM list (if you have one)! :D

    Well done!! =D=
  4. TheSheryl Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 21, 2004
    star 1
    I love your imagery work! You can SO set a scene! This is a great start for a story. I am anxious to see what happens next

    PS: Happy Anniversary! It was one year ago today that the last Star Wars movie was premeired at the theaters!
  5. Fifilla Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 9, 2006
    star 3
    Very nice start - I'm interested where this will go!
    Please update soon!
  6. KELIA Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2005
    star 6
    Oooohhh, very intriguing beginning.

    I certainly hope Qui-Gon has some sort of trick up his sleeve for getting loose.

    Looking forward to more

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
  7. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    Yipes, oh dear things don't look good at all. Interesting beginning. Looking forward to seeing where you go with this!
  8. brodiew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 2005
    star 5
    Thank you all for reading. I appreciate the comments.

    Healer_Leona: Oh dear. My beloved master is not doing so well here. Nice start brodiew, you are planning on him living here aren't you??? Thanks for reading, Healer. I have a feeling that Qui-Gon will make it out alive.

    VA_Parky: Awwww! I love Qui-gon's concern for Obi-wan here. He seems so protective and caring... I really like the easy way you've communicated the depth of their relationship. Great job, brodiew! This is my very first post in "Before the Saga." And so I will wrap it up with this request: please put me on the PM list (if you have one)! Well done!! Thanks for coming over to Before. I don't post much here either. I appreciate you comments and I'm glad that Qui-Gon seems genuine. You have given me the lump in my throat on you fics so it seems only fair that I make you 'wince' here. :D

    TheSheryl: I love your imagery work! You can SO set a scene! This is a great start for a story. I am anxious to see what happens next Thanks for the compliment, sheryl. I'm glad you were so sucked in...

    Fifilla: Very nice start - I'm interested where this will go! Please update soon! Thank you, fifilla. I hope it continues to thrill.

    KELIA: Oooohhh, very intriguing beginning. I certainly hope Qui-Gon has some sort of trick up his sleeve for getting loose. Looking forward to more Thanks for reading, Keila. Qui-Gon is clever, but he is also badly injured. We'll see what happens.

    Layren: Yipes, oh dear things don't look good at all. Interesting beginning. Looking forward to seeing where you go with this! Thanks for reading, Layren. Qui-gon is deep trouble, but he and Obi-Wan are Jedi. Things are just getting started.
  9. The Great No One Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2005
    star 8
    hmm... definite potential here... i wonder what got them into this mess in the first place? not to mention how jinn got into that kinda shape.

    it is nice to see a jedi that cares, i must admit. they all seemed to stuffy for my tasted.

    i must admit, normally i don't enter into before the saga, but i'll be keeping an eye on this.
  10. brodiew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 2005
    star 5
    Here is chapter two of Desperate Journey.

    The mud was so thick it seemed to be pulling him backward, but he relished each painful kick knowing he was that much closer to his padawan. Reaching out with the Force, he attempted to stir Obi-Wan by nudging his mind. The boy didn?t move.

    Damn my wounds! he thought.

    Qui-Gon was no fool. He knew that he would be virtually useless in an escape attempt, but he also didn?t like putting the responsibility on Obi-Wan. The boy was 12 years old and this situation was beyond his experience.

    Finally reaching his charge, Qui-gon slumped in relaxation, his head resting in a dank puddle of water. Overcome with fatigue, he reached over to Obi-Wan?s tunic and pulled. His weary arm then fell to the ground.

    Obi-wan stirred, but did not awaken.

    Summoning the Force, again, Qui-Gon kicked the padawan?s leg with his own.

    This time, Obi-Wan awoke with a start.

    ?Get your hands off of me!? he shouted.

    Qui-Gon cringed inwardly as Obi-Wan?s outburst would surely bring their captors to check on them.

    ?Calm yourself, padawan,? Qui-Gon said.

    ?Master?? Obi-Wan said, still groggy. Sitting, up, he noticed his master?s prone position and the bleeding wounds in his side and on his face. ?Master!? he said in shock and a hint of fear.

    ?Quiet yourself, young one!? Qui-Gon hissed with effort. ?We are in? great danger. I need you to be mindful?of the Force. I will try to?guide you, but you must let the Living?Force direct your path.?

    Obi-Wan reached for his lightsaber and grabbed nothing but his pant leg. Frustrated, he looked again to Qui-Gon.

    ?What do you mean, Master?? he said, anxiety filling his voice. He kneeled next to Qui-Gon and helped him into a sitting position.

    ?Obi-Wan... look at me.? Qui-Gon said struggling to focus, his breath coming short, ?Focus... your thoughts. Listen. I am... badly wounded. We are being watched. We have no...weapons. Our? captors have our... lightsabers. You must get... our weapons.? His mind threatened to black out from even the simple exertion of forming the words.

    Obi-Wan stood. Closing his ey-

    WHACK!

    Obi-wan felt a sharp pain in his neck and dropped to his knees. The first blow was followed by a second to his back. He sprawled face first to the ground.

    ?No,? weakly escaped Qui-Gon?s lips as the wet smack of his padawan hitting the ground reached his ears.

    ?There is no escape from here, even for Jedi,? said the pale, yellowed skinned Trandoshan holding a large, wooden club. ?This camp is locked down. I?m surprised you didn?t sense me coming. Not so high and mighty, are you, Jedi??

    ?You?didn?t have?to hurt the boy,? Qui-Gon said, almost inaudibly.

    ?It pays to be safe, Jedi, and we?re gettin? a pretty penny for the two of you.?

    Obi-wan moaned and curled into a fetal position. Although hurt, he was not out of commission. With one eye open, he followed the cocky being as she strutted back and forth before them. Through blurred vision, Obi-Wan caught glint of a lightsaber on the belt of their captor.

    Though still curled in a fetal position, Obi-Wan faced the Trandoshan. Opening his hand, he called on the Force. The hilt of the lightsaber jerked from his attacker?s belt and flew into his hand. The blade ignited to his touch as he proceeded to stand up.

    The Transdoshan had quick reflexes and attacked Obi-wan with his club. He connected with a glancing blow to the young Jedi?s shoulder, but it was not enough. Obi-wan twisted away from the attack using its momentum to pivot behind him, swinging his blade arm wide. The Trandoshan?s head dropped to the damp ground and the rest of his body proceeded forward into the nearby brush.

    Obi-Wan dropped to one knee, having spent the energy he summoned to his aid. He looked, again to Qui-gon. His master appeared unconscious, if not dead.

    ?Master??
  11. The Great No One Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2005
    star 8
    nice brew.

    things still look rather bad for our duo, that's for sure.

    the pauses for breath were a great addition to the feel of it. it makes if feel so much more real.

    great job capturing the cool wisdom of qui-gon, and the youth of obi-wan.

    i really look forward to how you work them out of this situation.

    EDIT

    first post mi amigo!
  12. VA_Parky Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 10, 2005
    star 4
    brodiew! How could you leave it there??! ACK!! What in the world is Obi-wan going to do now? I hope he can follow Qui-gon's advice - he must be mindful if he's going to have any chance of getting them both out of there. [face_worried]

    I'm not normally a violent person but when Obi-wan beheaded their captor... I, uh... kinda did a little happy dance. [face_blush] Don't tell anyone. ;)

    Awesome update - thanks for the PM! This story is so suspenseful!! Your writing really 'paints a picture' for the reader, while continuing to flow so easily!! =D=
  13. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    Oh dear.... this isn't a kill Jinn story is it? [face_worried] I hope you get them out of there! Excellent job on the update!
  14. Fifilla Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 9, 2006
    star 3
    Good job, Obi-Wan! Now go on and save your master!
    Thanks for the quick update, but that is really an evil cliffhanger!
  15. foxsolo Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2005
    Fantastic! I'm loving this story so far. I have a little question though, just for clarification's sake. The first part says this story is 5 years pre-TPM, making Obi 20, but the second part says he's 12. Which is it? :)
  16. Jade_Pilot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 10, 2005
    star 5
    :eek: Mean bad guys! Nice action scenes and dialogue. I like!=D=
  17. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Very powerful. I like Qui-Gon's reasons for despair and hope as well as Obi-Wan's innate strength.
  18. Meredith_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2005
    star 4
    :eek: Things aren't looking very good for this Master and Padawan pair. [face_worried]

    Great work, brodiew! You've left me anxious for more, so update soon please!
  19. ZaraValinor Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 31, 2002
    star 4
    I never cease to be amazed by your distinct style. Your approach is refreshing and yet your characters familiar. Love it .
  20. brodiew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 11, 2005
    star 5
    A few responses to your kind comments...

    trimaj: nice brew. things still look rather bad for our duo, that's for sure. the pauses for breath were a great addition to the feel of it. it makes if feel so much more real. great job capturing the cool wisdom of qui-gon, and the youth of obi-wan. i really look forward to how you work them out of this situation. Thanks for the kind comments, trimaj! I'm glad that you approve of both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. I've never written either one. I'm also glad the reality of it is coming through. that was my intent.

    VA_Parky: brodiew! How could you leave it there??! ACK!! What in the world is Obi-wan going to do now? I hope he can follow Qui-gon's advice - he must be mindful if he's going to have any chance of getting them both out of there. I'm not normally a violent person but when Obi-wan beheaded their captor... I, uh... kinda did a little happy dance. Don't tell anyone. Awesome update - thanks for the PM! This story is so suspenseful!! Your writing really 'paints a picture' for the reader, while continuing to flow so easily!! I love a good cliffie, Parky! Thanks for reading and beinf a great support. I'm also glad that line stuck with you. I was going for reality.

    Layren: Oh dear....this isn't a kill Jinn story is it? I hope you get them out of there! Excellent job on the update! don;t worry Layren, Qui-gon will live. But he''l go through hell in the process. thanks for reading.

    Fifilla: Good job, Obi-Wan! Now go on and save your master! Thanks for the quick update, but that is really an evil cliffhanger! Thanks for staying on board, fifilla. Obi- wan is definitely going to have to step up here. It should be very interesting.

    foxsolo:Fantastic! I'm loving this story so far. I have a little question though, just for clarification's sake. The first part says this story is 5 years pre-TPM, making Obi 20, but the second part says he's 12. Which is it? thanks for the good word, foxsolo. I appreciate the support. And, you caught me. i didn't do my homework on character ages. Obi is 12 in the story and I think that puts in 13 years pre-TPM. correct?

    Jade_Pilot: Mean bad guys! Nice action scenes and dialogue. I like! Thanks, Jade. I'm glad you are enjoying it.

    DarthIshtar:Very powerful. I like Qui-Gon's reasons for despair and hope as well as Obi-Wan's innate strength. That means a lot, Ish. I'm glad to have you hear. Thanks for easing my character issues.

    Meredith_Kenobi: Things aren't looking very good for this Master and Padawan pair. Great work, brodiew! You've left me anxious for more, so update soon please! I'm glad the cliff hanger is doing its job, meredith. Thanks for reading.

    ZaraValinor:I never cease to be amazed by your distinct style. Your approach is refreshing and yet your characters familiar. Love it. high praise from my former padawan. That means alot. Stick around. Things are about to get very interesting!

    Without further adieu, here is Part 3 of Desperate Journey.


    There was no response, but Obi-Wan was reassured by his master?s presence in the Force. It was weak, but still there. Checking the wound on Qui-Gon?s side, he noticed it continued to bleed. If he didn?t act, his master would die. He could think of only one way to stop the bleeding. It wouldn?t be pleasant and would surely draw more attention to them.

    Obi-Wan untied his master?s hands and let them fall to the ground. Searching the immediate area, Obi-Wan found a branch for Qui-Gon to bite down on. He gently placed the branch between his master?s teeth. It might not taste good, but it?ll do the job, he thought. He thumbed the switch and his vibrant blue blade ignited.

    Pointing the blade at Qui-Gon?s wound, Obi-Wan hesitated. There was no question of his resolve, but the action was extreme and needed a steady hand. Pulling the Force to his aid, he placed the tip of this lightsaber into the center of the wound. The hum of
  21. The Great No One Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2005
    star 8
    nice post brew, i really liked it.

    having obi-wan cauterize the wound was good, if not easy for obi. one can hope that he didn't mess anything else up by doing it. a healing trance and bacta'll fix it thought i guess.

    stupid tradoshin, don't the know not to wave a lightsaber around?[face_shame_on_you]

    hope they don't have a force field or nothing around the base.

    loved it, and can't wait to see where you take this.
  22. ZaraValinor Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 31, 2002
    star 4
    Obi-Wan's determination is palpable and well in his character. Again wonderful.
  23. Fifilla Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 9, 2006
    star 3
    I think it must be terribly difficult for a 12-year-old to do what Obi did, but he did a good job again!
    I hope you won't include the "Kill Qui-Gon Challenge" in your story - I'd rather like to read a happy end.
  24. VA_Parky Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 10, 2005
    star 4
    Awesome update once again, brodiew!

    I really like the way you are portraying Obi-wan in this story. He is still the ever-present Jedi we all know and love, but he can't help but be a bit wary. And who wouldn't???! His Master is half-dead, he's surrounded by merciless killers - and the poor thing is only 12 years old. :oops:

    Yet I have a feeling that he'll pull through. He's a brave young man, that's for sure!

    Wonderful work! Can't wait for more! Thanks for the PM!

  25. Jade_Pilot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 10, 2005
    star 5
    Great update! The scene with the lightsaber STILL gives me goosebumps!

    "It irritated Obi-Wan, but he allowed himself a smile in knowledge that the poor soul holding the blade may soon lose of a limb."

    Love that injection of humor! Well done, brodie! =D=
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.