Beyond Downward Spiral: The Diary of Syal Antilles - 2011 Dear Diary Challenge - Complete 12/31

MYRI!!!

76 calls ? Persistence is an understatement.

Anyway, this is a very powerful post. It was great to see another person's side.

I wonder what the doctor will think of it?

Excellent update!

Yes yes YES!!!!!!!

Just in case that's in any way unclear.... YES!!!

Oh Myri. That's my girl! (Actually, that's probably Iella's girl, but anywho...) Perfect. Really. Getting that outside view (in Syal's own diary, haha) is very poignant. 76 calls, huh? Yeah, she got a double dose of stubbornness, didn't she?

I love this insight into Myri, and I hope it helps Syal, whenever she finds it.

Super! Duper! To see Myri's heart-felt sentiments This will encourage Syal a lot I think.

Myri stole her older sister's diary?! Shame on her! Just kidding. I've stole my older sister's diary once or twice

It was awesome to see another view! I see that stubbornness runs in the family.

And she finally sees why they've had her write in the journal. Written evidence to look back at and extrapolate from.

Yup


Log Entry: 16

If Syal finds out I snagged her journal datacard, she's going to kill me.

Oh yes she is!


You might remember me as the person who called your office incessantly for three weeks trying to convince you to give my sister a day pass so she could get out of that rather drab hospital for a few hours. As my mother likes to say, persistence pays off. Thanks for giving in, it only took seventy-six comm calls.

go Myri!


Also, what have you been feeding her? I just took Syal out to a Corellian restaurant we both like and it looked as if she hadn't had a proper meal in months.

Aw, Myri is such a wonderful sister.


I want to slap myself. We're sisters, and to avoid talking about important things, we talked about the kriffing weather.

Well...ermm...
It's such an awkward thing to bring up, even after all that's happened. Or maybe in spite of all that's happened.


I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty or to make you feel bad for what you tried to do. I just want to make sure you know that I miss you terribly.

<3


Syal, I haven't gone through what you've gone through. I can't tell you that everything is going to be okay, because I don't know. What I can tell you is that there's no one else in the Galaxy I trust to bounce back more than you.

<3


That was heartbreaking, sad, wonderful, beautiful....

Very, very real

Great updates. Syal's reaction to Myri's entry will be interesting to see.

I loved seeing Myri's point of view. Another great update!

Super update with Myri's point of view

Sorry for the brief responses, it's a busy weekend!

Hazel ? Myri?s an awfully persistent woman. Takes a bit after her mother in that regard.

This fic has gotten really heavy and, for my own personal sanity, I needed to insert some levity into it but couldn?t figure out how to do it with Syal. Thought hit me to try a different perspective, and hello Myri!

Kat

I love this insight into Myri, and I hope it helps Syal, whenever she finds it.

I like to think that Syal and Myri have a very strong relationship. I wanted to dive into that a bit in this post

Jade_eyes ? Thank you! It was a lot of fun to get Myri in here

Briannakin ? Myri?s your typical younger sister, it seems!

SWpants666 ? Myri really is in an awkward spot. What do you say to someone in that situation, especially family?

Fels ? Thank you!

Luna ? There?s a bit of hero worship with Myri when it comes to Syal. She?s going to come in to her aid whenever she needs it.

alhana ? Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.

earlybird = Thank you!



New post below!

Log Entry: 17

Yes, Myri. I will kill you the next time I see you. My vengeance will be swift and will happen when you least expect it.

There was one day, early on while I was here, when a supply cart overturned in the hallway just outside my room with a loud (to my ears, anyway) crash. That set me off. For briefest of moments I was back on Orvax IV, walking towards the cafe where my pilots were having downtime. I saw the bomber running towards the building. The blaster shots that took him down. Then the explosion. I'll never forget the feeling of the shockwave knocking me off my feet. The shrapnel that cut up my arms and face. Then the bodies. I could see myself looking down at my dead executive officer.

An anxiety attack isn't a pleasant experience. One brought on by post-traumatic stress disorder is even worse. Your pulse races, it feels like someone's put a vice around your lungs. Sometimes it feels like the walls are closing around you. I can't recall the details of what happened the day the blasted supply cart crashed outside my room. From what I was later told I broke down. Crying, screaming. Apparently an orderly had to sedate me to keep me from hurting myself. It's funny. I really don't remember anything after the cart tipped over. Just ...

Dread? Fear?

It's hard to even write that. I know I tend to keep my emotions closely guarded, but that's not unique to me. It's part of the profession. You don't show weakness like that. Not in front of your peers. Definitely not in front of your subordinates. You just keep it all within you. Although, looking back at it, maybe I should have talked to someone. Hours after the bombing, I was already feeling jumpy. I was hyper-aware, I wasn't sleeping. I was waiting for more of my pilots to get killed. Worse? I was starting to have some scary thoughts about myself.

Three pilots killed while I was watching. Whenever you lose pilots, a commanding officer is going to view that as a failure. When you lose them like that, it's viewed as a completely unacceptable failure. As I was writing their next of kin letters, I felt myself falling into the worst depression of my life. I'd lost all sense of self-worth, and I when I look back at the things I did after that, I get scared. It was more than the blaster I pointed at my temple six months ago. I threw caution to the wind and nearly got myself killed at least twice, all because I locked in a downward spiral of depression, anxiety, and fear. In that one moment, every doubt I had about my ability and my career were magnified. The Galaxy was settling the score and getting even with me for having coasted for so long on the reputation of my surname.

I suppose even now I'm wary. I'm better. At least, I think I'm better, but there's still a large part of me that thinks that I could have done better than. If I'd been more aware, been with them, done something different, they would still be here. Sometimes that's still a thought that keeps me up at night. I could have done better. Somehow. But I don't stay awake nearly as many nights as I used to. I don't spend hours feeling my stomach twisting itself into knots because of that.

I think I knew I was getting better when I started to picture myself back in the cockpit again. I may have talked a big game when I got here about wanting to go back to work, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't even going to admit that to myself. The thought of strapping myself into a starfighter again was terrifying. What If I had an anxiety attack while I was behind the flightstick? I'd get myself killed. Worse, I'd probably get someone else killed. For months, I'd recoil in dread any time I thought about flying. Not that I'd ever admit that to anyone. Have I made that last bit clear yet?

Things didn't get better until I finally swallowed my pride and talked to the good doctor. If there's anything I think I've made a point to illustrate in this journal, it's that none of this is rational. Depression, fear, anxiety. You can lock yourself into a self-defeating loop over your own insecurities. Sometimes,

Maybe there is something to all of this talk therapy stuff.

I think Syal is finally really on the road to recovery. It is great to see.

Yes, Myri. I will kill you the next time I see you. My vengeance will be swift and will happen when you least expect it.

]

Anxiety attacks are definitely not fun


I felt myself falling into the worst depression of my life. I'd lost all sense of self-worth, and I when I look back at the things I did after that, I get scared.

Always in hindsight. at the time, whatever you're doing seems like the best idea.


I think I knew I was getting better when I started to picture myself back in the cockpit again.

Oh yay!


That's really the most frustrating part, not knowing why you're feeling the way you are.

I really do hate that. It's not fun at all. And quite confusing.


Good ending, glad to see her getting better

Yay, Syal is getting better!

I'm really looking forward to read the last stretch of Syal's diary.

Yes on the road to recovery?

All the things she is going through WEW

Real tangible progress. You can reach out and touch it and embrace it.

Good work, Lane. Very good.

Oh Syal, you really are getting there. You can tell that everything that's been eating at her isn't doing it so much any more. I mean, it's still there, and always will be, but there's an air of serenity to her entry this time.

Bravo, Lane.

Briannakin - Getting to that admission point that something is wrong is the first step, but man. Getting to the point where you actually open up to talk about stuff is hard. It's taken Syal a while to get there.

SWpants666

Anxiety attacks are definitely not fun

I've been victim to a few of those. Never a pleasant experience

at the time, whatever you're doing seems like the best idea.

Rationality never seems to enter the picture when you're trapped in depression. Syal's been there for a long, long time

I really do hate that. It's not fun at all. And quite confusing.

And that's tough for anyone, especially tough for Syal. She's used to being in control of her life, but for the last few months she's had precious little control. It doesn't help she's a perfectionist that expects the best out of herself, either.

Hazel - I really can't believe it's almost over. A year of this diary has been something else

earlybird - On the road to recovery, indeed

Luna - It's remarkable what happens when someone finally admits they have a problem. The floodgates can often open to a lot of healing.

Jade_eyes - Wait til you see the next post

Kat - You're absolutely right. It's always going to be a part of her, but with any luck, she can take that and turn it into a strength


Thanks for reading, all! On a short turnaround, there's a new post right below this one!

Log Entry: 18

Maybe by the time I'm finished writing this, I can tell you if I'm feeling good about how my day went or not. I keep alternating between being supremely pleased with myself and wanting to throw up.

The light to my room flipped on about 0600 this morning, leaving me in a rather confused, annoyed, and groggy state. Thank the stars I was used to sudden wakeup calls like that, because I might have panicked otherwise. After letting my eyes adjust to the cruel and highly unusual assault by the overhead lights, I could see that Doctor Anario was standing at the door. Before I could so much as ask what in the nine Corellian hells she was doing in here at this hour, she threw a set of clothes at me. Regulation cargo trousers, boots, shirt, and a jacket with three blue rank pips over one breast pocket and the name "Antilles" over the other.

I would have loved to know right at that moment why I was just given a day uniform.

Before I knew what had happened to me, my sleep-deprived corpse was dragged out of the hospital and into a waiting speeder. I started suspecting I was in for trouble when we pulled up in the military district and was guided towards the entrance to Coruscant's starfighter academy headquarters. That feeling of dread was compounded as we walked past the various classrooms and deeper into the building where actual training happened. Down a few levels on the lift and into a hallway where orange and green flightsuit clad students were filing in and out of rooms. I was fairly certain my heart was going to leap out of my throat when we stopped in front of one of the unoccupied training chambers.

Bad feeling confirmed. Doctor Anario lead me through the door and just like that, I was face to face with an academy combat flight simulator.

For a long while, I didn't react. Hell, I didn't even move. This was some sort of cruel joke. Just weeks ago I swallowed my pride and told my therapist that I not only was nervous about getting back into the cockpit, I was actually frightened by the prospect. Despite that, she dragged me all the way out here to strap me into a simulator? If I wasn't so damn stunned and, quite honestly, terrified at that moment, I would have been absolutely furious with her. But, as I said, I was more mortified than anything else so all I could manage to do was give her a (probably) pathetic stare of confusion. What in the wide-open 'verse did she want me to do?

"Get in there, Commander."

I can't remember the last time someone addressed me by military rank. That might have contributed to me standing there like a silent idiot for a few more moments.

"That's an order."

Right. My therapist is an active-duty military officer. That outranked me. I imagine that I looked like a nervous greenhorn stepping into a simulator for the first time. If anything, I was just thankful she didn't make me put on a full flightsuit before shoving me in here. I was okay while I was strapping myself into the flightseat. Things started to go south when the canopy closed and the instrumentation panel lit up. I took a second to take stock of my situation. Accelerated heart rate. Rapid breathing. Nervous sweat. There was no getting around it, I was scared out of my mind.

Can you blame me? The last time I was sitting behind a flightstick, I was staring down a dozen TIE Defenders and a very agitated ImpStar Deuce that seemed rather determined to make sure I was space debris. And of course there was the whole thing where I used my X-Wing as a battering ram to shake a TIE off one of my pilot's six. Spent a few weeks in a bacta bath and now I've got a lovely durasteel plate in place of a chunk of my skull. At least I've still got all my limbs attached. I swear, look at the early Rogue Squadron rosters and it looks like a cybernetic prosthetic support group.

Finally the holoscreens came to life and for the first time in eight months, I was staring at a wide-open star field. A simulated star field, but it was certainly a change of pace from the sterile confines I had spent nearly every waking momen

I have a big smile on my face now . I am so glad Syal's doctor made her do this, and I bet she is too.

At least I've still got all my limbs attached. I swear, look at the early Rogue Squadron rosters and it looks like a cybernetic prosthetic support group.

This made me laugh, hard, because it is true.

Rationality never seems to enter the picture when you're trapped in depression

Exactly


Before I knew what had happened to me, my sleep-deprived corpse was dragged out of the hospital and into a waiting speeder.

As a reader, this is awesome for me.
For Syal, I can't imagine the panic she's going through.


I was fairly certain my heart was going to leap out of my throat when we stopped in front of one of the unoccupied training chambers.

Well, she DID write she was hoping for that now


For the briefest of moments, I felt the anxiety wash away. Flightstick and throttle in my hands, I was in full control.

Even if it didn't last, baby steps.

And yet-

"The last time you flew, you gave up. Today, you took a shot at that TIE and tried to take control of your situation."

*jumps for joy* I'm so happy for her!

Amazing - her inner fight is returning and this time it feels like it's back for good, even though there may be slight setbacks or uncertainties I think Syal feels she can reach the other side of being passive and taking it.

I guess that's what is called facing your fears head-on.

Good for Syal.


Great update!