FF:NSW Dsource's "what if" thread, sponsered by Ki-Bara-Mundi and posted by JediEnna (don't ask).

LUKE: I'm an archeologist, like my father before me!

SEAN CONNERY: I think we got our scripts mixed up...

 

From Reuben:

Two things just suddenly struck me! One was a car, the other was a bus. No, ideas struck me. How rude of them.

Old English Dude: You may fire when ready

Other guy: Sorry, sir, we can't. We're running on Windows ME. It crashed again. I think Jenkins was downloading porn and got a virus.

Old English Dude: I said to use Linux! Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Sorry, Princess, if you don't mind waiting til we reboot and then run a virus-checker, we'll be back on our decimation schedule as soon as possible.

Princess: Not at all, I'm sure. Will anyone get me a cushion?

Vader: You can sit on my lap.

Princess: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... hurry up, guys, fire already!


Darth Vader: No, Luke, I am your father.

Luke: You're my father?

Darth Vader: I am your father

Luke: YOU'RE my father?

Darth Vader: Yes, I'm your father.

Luke: Before or after you were a robot?

Darth Vader: Uhhhhhhhh...

Luke: 'Cos I've got this robotic hand right here...

Darth Vader: Uhhhhhhh...

Luke: No way! They've got a prosthetic for THAT? And it WORKS?

Darth Vader: That's personal.

Luke: AND it can still mimic those little DNA tadpoles! WHOAH!

Darth Vader: Look, I'm going to kill you, all right, so can you stop thinking about prosthetic... you knows...

Luke: Look, it's nothing to be embarassed about. But what woman is attracted do a dude in black? And seriously, dad, no offence meant, your helmet ain't pretty, but the sight UNDER your helmet makes a lot of people wish you'd put it back on.

Darth Vader: Money. It's all about money. See, look at Bill Gates? He's MARRIED.

Luke: And the money is on...?

Darth Vader: The Dark Side.

Luke: Count me in, pops!

And following that...

Han: We've blown up the second Death Star!

Leia: And the emperor is dead!

Han: And we destroyed a Super Star Destroyer!

Leia: Yes, AND a few TIE fighters! That must mean the end of the Empire.

Storm Trooper: Uh, Hello? Anyone there? We still have an entire Imperial Fleet, control over half the galaxy, and a lot of money. You've broken three toys and one player. I mean, really. Plus you lost half your ships.

Han: He's right! We haven't won anything at all! We're all going to die!

Leia: You're right! We were stupid!

The second best line of all time:

Princess: Darth Vader, only you would be so- is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
(Vader walks out, sound of cold running water)

And finally: The translation of what that little teddy bear says when he pops up between Han and Leia once Han finds out that Luke is Leia's brother.

Teddy Bear: That's it... a little to the left... a little bit up... little more tongue... beautiful.

I know it was more than two. But inspiration strikes many times. Enjoy, my friends!

 

Vader: Obi-Wan never told you your middle name was Shirley.

Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<leaps to his death>

 

HAN: Who...who are you?

REUBEN: Someone who posts on a regular basis but has no username.

HAN: Reuben!

 

Threepio: Because he's holding a thermal detonator!

Jabba: OHOHOHO ... this reminds me of a song!

*Jabba puts on little cap, and attempts to tap dance whilst singing*

Jabba: Now, if you're blue
And you don't know
Where to go to
Why don't you go where fashion sits?
Puttin' on the Ritz!

 

Jabba tapdancing

intereting image

 

Not as interesting a Jabba lapdancing. That reminds me, where's PM gone?!?

 

He's been having comp troubles ...

 

C-3PO: A gift? What gift?
Bib Fortuna: Tell the Hutt what he's won!

 

Someone fix his puter quick so I can stop filling in the space he's left behind!

 

What if Sebulba had turned Jar Jar into Goo? Wishful thinking. (Ohh what bliss it would have been!!!)

 

Man I wish I had a Jar Jar costume just to piss all the Jar Jar bashers off!

 

That could be very dangerous, we might all decide to kill Jar Jar then and there.

Kill Jar Jar, Kill Jar Jar, Kill.....

 

I know the consequences. That's why I'd get a fluffy plush kinda costume. Beat all you like, I'll simply ask "Whysa yousa doingsa thatsa?".

 

But what if we have heavy artillery?

 

We'd have heavy artillery and then some.

 

Ben: That reminds me, your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it.

Luke: What is it?

Ben: Your father's lightsabre. This is the weapon of the Jedi Knight. An elegant.....
NO WAIT YOU'RE HOLDING IT THE WRONG...........

<stands over Lukes limp body>
<turns to R2 and 3PO>

Ben: You guys could have said something!

 

Oh yeah, back on topic...

OBI-WAN: Now stay here. And keep out of trouble.

JAR JAR: Okiday!

*waits for Obi-Wan to leave, then pulls out his private stash*

JAR JAR: Finally! Some time alone!

 

Geez Ki that would explain an awful lot. (About Jar Jar I mean.)

 

*end of ROTJ*

Vader: "Your feelings dwell on.. a sister..... and you thought THAT about her.....oh dear son you and I really better have a talk"

Luke *charges with lightsaber* "Arrrghhhh, you'll never tell anyone!!"

 

SIDIOUS: This is my apprentice, Darth Boba Maul Imperial Guard. He is armed with a quadruple-bladed lightsabre and flies the Slave 1138. He was trained by a fanboy before me. He will find your lost ship...then regail you with tales of his adventures in a comic book store.

 

Ben: Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldnt allow it.

Luke: WHat is it?

Ben: Its your fathers old training bra...

 

Luke! I'm shutting the power down!

(movie screen goes black).

 

Kenobi: It's an Imperial Fighter.
Luke: It's sure leaving in a hurry. If they identify us..
Han: Chewie don't jam transmissions.
Luke: What???
Han: If there's a fighter running from us, there's a larger Imperial ship nearby. Chewie, I'm going to make the jump to hyperspace.
Chewie: Argarg!
Kenobi: Good idea, Captain Solo, it looks like Alderaan's been destroyed anyway. Set your course for Yavin IV.

 

LEIA: An Imperial probe droid. Hasn't the Empire seen the dissadvantages of rectal probing?!?