Saga Duel of the Fools (ESB Luke vs Vader duel revisited, Humor, Mature content)

Foreword :

This is my first attempt at writing an humorous fic in English, AND it was born after a discussion about my being a possible Gary Stu So you can expect the worst

Also, there's a bit of mature content here, so reader discretion is advised

And now, without further ado, the Grand, Epic Duel from the Empire Strikes Back !

---

*All of a sudden, the chamber lit, and the sound of a mechanical breather makes itself heard. Atop the stairs, Luke can see Darth Vader's black silhouette*

"The Force is with you, young Skywalker" Darth Vader utters. "But you are not a Jedi yet."
"Wait a minute ! When is it since you know me in person ? We never met !"
"I have seen the pictures my underlings used when they designed the 'Wanted' posters for you. I am honored to duel with the greatest criminal ever."
*Luke crosses his arms* "And my being a Jedi counts for nothing, huh ?"
"I remember saying you were not a Jedi, yet."
"Your advice doesn't count, only Y-"

*Luke falls silent*
"What where you about to say ?"
"Forget it !"

*Luke makes a big, toothy smile, and takes hold of the handle of his lightsaber. He presses the activation button and then...
*Nothing.
*Ah, yes : the lightsaber emits sputters, and a few miserable blue sparks shoot from the handle*

"Blast ! Not agaaaiiiin !"
"I see you weren't even capable of making your own lightsaber."
"I didn't do it !" Luke replies hotly. "Belonged to my old man ! He did such a crappy job that I'm going through hell everytime I take it to the garage for a check-up !"
"Lightsabers are not supposed to find themselves in the hands of garage employees."
"And who's the bright man who killed every single Jedi who could have repaired this piece of garbage ?"
"I must plead guilty on this charge. But you will soon understand that it was for the good of the Galaxy."
"You spelled this wrong."
"I spelled what ?" Vader sounds astonished.
"You killed the Jedi for the [i]Gold[/i] of the Galaxy."
"Ha. Bloody. Ha."

*Luke presses the activation button a new time, with no better results*

"Hand this over to me" Vader says.
"Hand over WHAT ? Now wait a sec', It isn't have much of a weapon and you still want me to surrender it ?"
"I want to fix this, you fool."
"I don't trust you !"
"Hand this over, you blockhead !" an exasperated Vader says. "If I made this weapon, I can fix it !"
"Wait a sec' ! What did you just say ?"
"Hmmm... That I could fix your lightsaber, right ?" *Vader's lenses suddenly become very interested in a random point of the ceiling*
"My old man's supposed to have made this lightsaber. You don't mean that..."
*Vader waves his hand* "You do not think I am your father."
"And my name is Darth Vader !" Luke snorts in reply.
"Now just shut up, will you ! We have lost enough time already for me to be in trouble with Irvin when I have to explain why we are not on schedule !"
"Who's Irvin ?" Luke's at a loss.
"The [i]movie director[/i]" Vader explains patiently. "And now, forget everything I said."
"No way I do !"

*Vader fetches something from the folds of his cloak.*
"Here, try this" he says, handing a black, long stick towards his son.
"What is it ?"
"Try and smoke this, it will give you something to do while I am fixing your lightsaber."

*Luke grabs the stick and puts it to his lips*
"I'll need a lighter."
*Vader activates his lightsaber*
"HEY ! You're cheating !"
"Hold still."
"NO WAY !!!"
"I'm just going to light it."
"Oh !" *Luke cools down* "Alright, then."

*Vader lights the stick with his saber, and Luke draws on the stick*

"This tastes good ! What is it ?"
"Obi-Wan used to call this a Death Stick."
"Poison ?!?" *Luke takes the death stick out from his mouth*
"No. I want to have a nice duel with you, and I am not lowly enough to resort to poisoning."
"Right. I'm making a big mistake, but I'm gonna trust you."

*Luke lifts the stick back to his mouth and begins to smoke while Vader works on his lightsaber ; his breathing alters so that it sounds like whistling*

"Howdy' manage this ?"

 

Please... continue it....

Reminds me of my one and only ever attempt at Star Wars humor... splicing Luke in ESB with Inigo Montoya's line from The Princess Bride.

Please... need more...!

 

Do I sense another possible drug addict here ?

 

LOOL

Please, continue it!

 

*folds over laughing*





ooooooo thanks... I needed that little piece of humor after my day...


and... more please *puppy dog eyes*

 

Hahaha! Funny - I could almost hear their voices.

which gave me a superb idea. Lordban- show this to the guys ar the Fan Audio forum. I guarantee it will be a great hit as a short audio drama.


Great work!

 

All right, I will, once this is completed

Thanks to you all


To be continued on Tuesday

 

*will await tuesday with great anticipation*

 

*will have another PM to send on Tuesday*

 

LOL! I can't wait to see what happens next! Great job!

 

Well, you don't expect Luke to get out of the carbon freeze chamber in his current state, do you ?

 

*Vader waves his hand* "You do not think I am your father."

ROTFL!

 

Please read the FAQ and note that the stories here are supposed to be PG, not PG-13 or R. The recreational drugs aren't appropriate here. Please keep that in mind.

Renata

 

"Hand this over, you blockhead !" an exasperated Vader says. "If I made this weapon, I can fix it !"
"Wait a sec' ! What did you just say ?"

Somehow less impressive a way to reveal it than ?I AM your FATHER!?

Great vignette, very funny.

 

"I didn't do it !" Luke replies hotly. "Belonged to my old man ! He did such a crappy job that I'm going through hell everytime I take it to the garage for a check-up !"

Hilarious! And poor Vader to have his handiwork disparaged like that. MORE!

 

Gina, he had to try

Renata, point taken, and you should have had a PM about this ; I'll wait for the rating you'd give this and edit the title to reflect this.

JM, Luke has already forgotten about that, now, hasn't he

Kimberley, you will have more

 

LOL! Way too easy...

 

That's the point of using the dark Side, isn't it

*sips coffee*

Alright, alright, gimme a couple of minutes and I'll give you some more

 

*se marre*
T'es trop bete, et ca me rappelle un truc

(and sorry 'bout the French and Italian, cretino degli Alpi ! )

 

(old recipes are the best )

Another post will be there at some point tomorrow morning

EDIT - It'll have to wait for Monday : election day tonight and I'm too tense to write things I'd think are funny.

 

I can't put together a post, so I guess this is going to lie down for now. Maybe Luke will get out of his carbon freeze chamber someday

 

LOL!!!!
That was hilarious!
Vader waves his hand "You do not think I am your father." That was classic.
I agree with the other reviewers. More soon, please.