Before Echoes of the Force (Kotor Era, Chapter 20 out now! 2/26/11! Jedi v. Mandalorian v. Sith - Epicness)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by JediDingo, May 28, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    Chapter Nine ? Interlude ? The Waltz Part Two

    Darth Malevolus stepped out of the speeder, bringing his dark hood over his head. He let the shadow fall across his face, he didn't want anyone noticing him as Senator Ennases. He turned towards his driver, the patchy-furred Bothan ? his own personal slave.

    ?When I comm you, come immediately.? Malevolus ordered, his icy-voice made what was left of the Bothan's fur ripple.

    ?Of course, my Master.? He bowed and the speeder sped away into the Coruscant night. It was unusually cold this night, but Malevolus didn't mind. It reminded him of Drumund Kaas' cold winter nights. The large Jedi Temple eclipsed just about everything in front of Malevolus and a small smirk came to his darkened features. The Jedi had no idea what so ever that a Sith Lord was right in front of their temple, or had any idea that there were hundreds of Sith waiting in the Unknown Regions for the moment their Emperor was ready to strike against the Republic. Last he heard, it could be several more hundred years unless something drastic changed. Still continuing to mask his presence within the Force, Malevolus quickly began to scan the pedestrian walkway for anything that would seem out of place.

    The flashing GoodValor's sign was a bit distracting, but other than that Malevolus couldn't spot anything that didn't seem normal. He knew he couldn't use the Force to seek out the other dark side user, because the Jedi would be on him in minutes if he did so. He gritted his teeth in anger, and let the anger flow through him. It felt good to do so. Perhaps he could still mask his presence and risk using the Force in some other small way. He decided to do so, it was worth the risk. If this was another Sith infiltrator, and he was caught by the Jedi than the Sith may not be able invade the Republic. It fell to him to save the Sith.

    While still masking himself, he focused his hearing with the Force. He heard a thousand voices at once, but quickly only focused on certain words. After a moment he heard what he wanted to here: ?I think I just saw a Jedi, Dab! I'm pretty sure he had a lightsaber!?

    Darth Malevolus tracked the source down, literally he was several levels down below his current location. The dark cloaked Sith hurriedly made his way down to the lower levels.

    ***

    Cruuso groaned, slowly blinking his white eyes open. He smelled the distinct odor of blood, and quickly realized it was his own. Then in a quick flash his memory of what happened came flooding in. He tried moving, but he simply couldn't. He was not restrained in any way, but he was being held back by the Force. Cruuso gulped loudly as the Man in Black stepped into the small light before him, flashing a bone-chilling grin.

    ?Good morning, I made nerf-sausage.? He said.

    ?What are you?? Cruuso demanded. What, not who.

    ?Spoilers,? The Man in Black waved his finger. ?We can't find that out until the end,?

    ?This isn't what you really look like,? Cruuso sounded disgusted. The Man in Black ignored him, walking around the Jedi that hung in the air. Cruuso always prided himself on detaching himself from the situation, not feeling any emotion at all during an assignment. But Cruuso couldn't help but let the fear creep into his heart.

    ?Why don't you ask the most important question that is on your mind,? the Man in Black suggested, standing behind him.

    Cruuso gritted his teeth. ?What do you want with me??

    ?Very good,? The Man in Black clapped his hands in mock applause. ?Very good,?

    ?You said I didn't remember you,? Cruuso continued.

    ?Correct,? The Man in Black nodded. ?Would you like a hint??

    Cruuso remained silent, he wasn't going to play his games. The Man in Black cocked his head to the side, and squinted for a moment. Cruuso dared to move his gaze towards the silent brooding figure. In a an instant the Man in Black violently grabbed Cruuso's throat, making the Arkanain gasp for air.

    ANSWER ME. The Man in Black demanded, and Cruuso thought he heard it with his ears but he felt the
  2. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    That doesn't sound good for Aaryn.

    Waiting for more=D=
  3. LaForzaViva Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2008
    star 1
    SNAP. Two Sith. This is excellent. Keep it up!
  4. SoA Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2008
    star 3
    Ouch. Poor Cruuso, and we don't even know what he knew.

    Now Aaryn not only has Mandalorians on his tail, he's got two factions of Sith. He's clearly in far deeper than he knows.
  5. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    Chapter Ten
    Men and Lions Part Three


    Twenty-Three Years Ago...

    ?Stay here, and don't move do you understand me?? She said. Her words were quick, and to the point. They had to be. Death was knocking at their door. She tightened her grip on the shoulders of the small eight year-old human boy looking up at her with fear in his eyes. She looked at him, tears welling up in the both of them. Three more loud bangs made the boy jump and let a small scream. The beautiful mother put her hand over his mouth and brought him in close for a tight hug. She didn't want to let go of the boy and quickly took everything in. The smell of his hair was like that of a star-fruit, no doubt from the shampoo she made him use. At the moment, it was the sweetest thing she had ever smelled before in her life.

    ?Where is dad?? He whispered through his tears.

    ?He is trying to make the bad men go away,? She whispered back. She pulled him back and looked at him one last time. ?I love you,?

    ?I love you too, mommy.? He wanted to cry, but he refused. He had to be strong for his mommy.

    She quickly bent down under his bed, moving most of his droid-toys out of the way that for some reason or another he had hidden under his bed. The little boy took the hint and crawled under. She looked at him one last time after he was situated in the dark corner under the bed. Three more loud bangs occurred making the little boy jump to the sound of each bang.

    ?No matter what anyone says, don't move from this spot. Do you understand?!? She said. He hesitantly nodded his head. She offered a brave smile and stood up, running out the child's play room. The door slid to a close behind her and he heard her punch in the lock codes to his room.

    ?Jackson?!? He heard his mother yell. There was another loud bang, this time it was the loudest one. He heard his mother scream and then his father yell.

    ?Stay away from her!? The father yelled.

    ?Jackson! Stop them!?

    ?I'm trying!?

    Then he heard the sound he only heard when watching the Holo-net stars, the sound of blaster fire. The little boy curled into the fetal position, holding his legs as tight as he possibly could and flinched with each loud blaster fire sound. He heard his mother let out a blood curdling scream.

    ?NO! Jackson!? She yelled. Then his heart began to beat ten times faster as he heard the familiar thud of a body hitting the floor. He hoped it wasn't his daddy, but his heart told him it was unlikely that his mommy would yell like that if it wasn't. Tears slide down his face but he couldn't cry anymore. He still had to be strong.

    ?Quiet, woman.? A harsh voice said through helmet mike.

    ?Rex, leave her. This is pointless.? Another said, but the little boy had to strain to hear it.

    ?Not before we have some fun,? The one called Rex boomed loudly.

    ?Bastards!? His mother yelled. A scuffle, and then he heard something he never wanted to hear again. Blaster fire. His mother cried out and the little boy let out a little whimper.

    ?What was that?? Rex asked.

    ?This isn't part of the mission, Rex. It is time to leave,? The other said.

    ?I am in command, do you understand A'denika?? Rex challenged his subordinate.

    The little boy held his hand over his mouth so nothing else could escape his mouth. There was silence that hung in the air that seemed like the longest time to the little boy. He was so scared that they would find him, and kill him just like they did to his parents. But maybe that was for the best? Maybe if they killed him, he could be with them?

    ?I heard something.? Rex said, coming closer to his door. ?Maybe they have a daughter??

    He heard the heavy footsteps stop just in front of his door. Suddenly the door was blown off its hinges. The boy saw the feet of the soldiers pour into the room. There were at least four of them. He wondered to himself it was somehow possible to surprise them? He knew were his father kept the blaster.

    ?This is a boy's room,? The disappointment rang through Rex's Mandalorian helmet. ?A'denika, check to
  6. LaForzaViva Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2008
    star 1
    Well don't TELL me it's going to get intense, post the chapter man! Now I have to wait for the climax of one character's arc? What a tease.

    If I may though, I know this moment has been building for you over the course of your writing, and I do see that you've given us an instance where Maverick was mulling on this, but a few more very vague references in his persona might've helped bring that dream sequence crashing down as important. Just a thought when it comes to pacing/building anticipation.

    Great chapter though, don't get me wrong! As always, eagerly awaiting more, and since you've promised me an intense chapter, I am even more hyped for it!
  7. SoA Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2008
    star 3
    You're really setting us up for some nice battles.

    The Jedi Master really had some good insight there. It looks like the younger Jedi keep forgetting about the more meditative parts of the Force and are all about missions and fights. Here's hoping their rescue mission doesn't get in the way of Mavrick's revenge duel.
  8. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    Just waiting for that intense fight;) and love the update.
  9. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    LaForzaViva: Thank you for the advice! It really helps a lot more than just telling me you enjoy it! Looking back I probably should have put way more hints into it, because sometimes I forget that you guys don't know what I do. I hope this delievers! enjoy.





    Chapter Eleven
    Men and Lions Part Four


    ?Most High One??

    He didn't here it. At the moment, the self proclaimed ?God-king? of Geonosis tuned absolutely everything out around him. His dark eyes stay focused on the vibrosword in his grip. That was the only thing that existed to Rex at the very moment, and in fact it was the only thing that really mattered. He had no doubts with his own martial prowess, he was plenty confident enough to beat just about anything that came in his path but he couldn't help but hear the whisperings of doubt on the edge of his consciousness. What if this ? slave ? thing actually got lucky and gave the killing blow? The whole planet would turn into chaos. He was sure that his subordinates would try to take reign immediately, but it would be too late then. Things were only being held together by him, and he alone.

    ?Most High One?? The small voice whispered again.

    Rex only noticed it slightly, his eyes still on the sword. Slowly, the edges of perception began to fill in around him. He saw the extravagant tapestries hanging around the ceiling, the marble bust statues of himself, expensive gold decorations mined from this very world. Rex realized he was standing in his own personal quarters, more or less a shrine to himself. Off to the right of him stood his maid-servant, which was her job by day. At night...her job was very different.

    ?Most High?? The fourteen year old girl whispered. Rex blinked. He looked over to her.

    ?What?? He asked.

    ?Are you ready?? She asked hesitantly. Ready for what? He wanted to ask, but then he remembered. He felt the weight of his black armor on his body, the sword that he had been looking at in his hand.

    ?Of course I am ready.? He answered promptly. ?You are to wait here in my chambers for my return,?

    He could see her mood drop when he said these words, as it did every time he told her to be in his inner most chambers. He didn't care, she was one of his most favorite slaves. She would learn to love him like the others.

    She bowed slightly as he passed by her, his black cape billowing behind. He exited the room and at the door stood two Geonosian guards. He endured their presence until he reached the end of the hallway, where two human guards awaited to escort him to the arena. He breathed a sigh of relief once he reached them. He sheathed his sword and exited out into the bright sunlight onto the steps of his grand palace. He stepped into the awaiting speeder and as he sat down his heart began to beat faster. He wasn't sure why. He wasn't afraid...was he? It didn't matter, if things were to begin to go bad for him one of his best snipers would make quick work of the slave.

    There was nothing to worry about.

    ***

    ?Gladiator, gladiator, gladiator!? Over and over again the slaves in the pits chanted as their hero and champion walked the road to the doors. Humans, Twi'leks, Rodians, Bothans, Ithorians, and species Maverick had never even seen chanted for him in Basic. The Slave Masters all shouted and ordered them to shut up, but it was to no avail. They would not be silent as their hero went off to fight their ultimate enslaver. Maverick glanced over at Aaryn, still hanging to the wall with several other new slaves.

    Maverick offered him a slight nod of his head, and Aaryn gave one back. They both knew that Maverick intended to give his life to complete this goal. It was probably going to be the last time the two rivals and companions saw each other. Maverick returned his gaze to the two large, intimidating doors at the top of the slave quarters under the arena. He could hear his own heartbeat, it felt as if it was about to beat out of his chest. He quickly wished he had Jedi calming techniques.

    Slowly the two doors began to open an
  10. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    Excellent post and don't turn Aaryn to the Dark side. Aaryn is nice and Maverick too.
  11. LaForzaViva Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2008
    star 1
    One of your best posts yet, good sir. And I'm thinking that Aaryan is going to turn into one of the Sith Lords unless he finds some way to reconnect with the greater Force, even if it means turning more toward the Grey Jedi than being a lightsider. And you totally are a fan of Gladiator. But now what will Maverick do? The concept of revenge has always been intriguing and whether or not it brings catharsis or not. An interesting dilemma to continue to explore over time.

    I too, struggle with dropping hints that are either going to be remembered or make sense later on and it's so, so difficult. Even KotOR didn't do the best job with the secret reveal of Revan - they had like two super vague hints but nothing beyond that. So I understand how hard it is to translate your secrets and reveals into the story, because we all want that surprise, but we don't want to go "huh?!" as if its the very, very first time we're learning something.

    But very, very good work. As always, looking for more soon.

    EDIT: Also, I'll try to get on AIM more often if you'd like to talk writing and such things.
  12. SoA Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2008
    star 3
    Well-done there! Lots of reveals. It's getting a bit Sithy in here. I'm really liking the idea of Jagi teaming up with Aaryn, but it looks like he doesn't want to make friends with the rest of the crew.
  13. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    Chapter Twelve
    Hold the Line


    From the Private Journals of Aaryn Karsa

    They are back again. My dreams.

    It seems like it has been forever since I have the dreams. I believe the last time I did was I was sixteen. I would have them frequently, almost every night it would seem. I never told anyone about them, because well...I'm not really sure why I never told anyone. They are strange, but then again isn't every dream in some way? It seems odd that they come back to me after what happened on Geonosis.

    They always start off the same. I am someone else, but yet I know I am still me. I am with others, a young white haired boy, a beautiful strong girl. We seem to be just mere children. There are others like us, but I can never remember their faces. Us, the children, stand among strange technology and strange creatures that I do not know of nor can I even really describe them. They seem heavenly, strong, wise. In my heart I know that they are good, but they hate us. They hate the children. They begin to lock each of us away from another. The one who cares for the children is angry, Mother. Mother attacks the strange beings.

    It seems like entirety passes by, and only death and agony occur. The strange heavenly beings think they have to put the children away for the pain to go away, but we are no longer children. They trap the girl in darkness, they trap others in similar ways, and in my heart I know I am next. And then...I awake. The setting or circumstances may change within my dreams but I am with those same people everytime. Every single time. I am not sure what it means, but it has always scared me. I don't like to think about it often. I know that it doesn't seem very vivid, but instead actually very vague. I have trouble really explaining, but when I am dreaming them the things that sticks out the most to me is the feeling I get. Maybe I hate talking about it because I don't know a good way to explain them really?

    [Background humming from the hyperdrive...]

    I just don't know. Something tells me they are important.

    [End of transmission].

    ***

    Aaryn put down his 'pad on the dresser, straightening up in bed. He rubbed his eyes, and reached over to turn on a small light. He enjoyed the dimness of his room. He glanced out to see the blue tunnel of hyperspace. He sat in his bed a moment before realizing his personal comm station was flashing a red dot indicating he had an unseen message. It must have come in after on of the several stops Gep did to refuel. Aaryn got out of bed and walked over to the comm unit and hit the button.

    ?Aaryn, I hope this message reaches you.? A familiar voice said before the image materialized before him showing the blue holoimage of Zayne Carrick. His heart leapt because he had a good idea what the message was about, but he didn't want to get his hopes up. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out.

    ?Rogue Moon immediately got to work after you contacted me a few weeks ago and we have turned up some interesting leads on the whereabouts of Jove Sunflare. Unfortunately we still haven't found her exact location, but we are getting closer.? Zayne explained. Aaryn slumped, while it was good news in a sense he still wished they would have found her.

    ?Reports suggest that she was on Ord Mantell as little as three months ago,? Zayne said. ?So far the trail dries up there, but don't worry we'll find her Aaryn. I promise. And you know how much my promises mean,? Zayne smiled reassuringly. ?We'll get back to as soon as we can, and Aaryn...may the Force be with you.?

    The recording faded. Aaryn stood alone in the darkness of his own room in the earliest hours of the morning. Although he was surrounded by his best friends, never in his life had he felt more alone at the moment. The Force was abandoning him, his dreams had returned, Cruuso was dead, and Jove was lost.

    ***

    ?Maverick?? A voice called out. He stirred, slowly opening his eyes in the darkness of his room aboard the Divinity. He saw standing in the door way, letting light pour in
  14. LaForzaViva Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2008
    star 1
    Good chapter - setting up for clearly a space and ground battle that I'm sure won't go perfectly well. Blasted Mandalorians being all tough enemies and all.

    I don't like the way Dyson was speaking - sounds like a unifying Force kind of guy to me. I enjoyed the discussion you had with Aaryn and Kaylee, hopefully more ruminating on the Force will occur.

    And thanks for the shout outs again!
  15. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    love this look at the Force by Aaryn. And with Revan things will sure get interesting.=D=
  16. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    Due to the large size of the cast in this up coming story arc, I will post the characters up at the beginning so you and I won't get confused. Enjoy!


    Dramatis Persona

    Crew of the [i[Divinity[/i]
    Aaryn Karsa, human male (Jedi Knight)
    Ta'sa Oolio, Ho'din male (Adventurer and cook)
    Kaylee Rendos, human female (Jedi Knight)
    Maverick Baron, human male (Con-man)
    Serick, Nitko male (Jedi Knight)
    Dyson Gynt, Nautolan male (Jedi Master)
    Gep, Twi'lek male (Pilot)

    With the Mandalorians
    Jagi A'denikia, human male (Mandalorian commander)
    Ding Odin, human male (Mandalorian soldier)
    Cassus Fett, human male (Mandalorian Second in Command)

    With Republic Navy
    Rear Admiral Paket, human male
    Colonel Ussam, human male
    Captain Jennix, human female (Republic Commando leader)
    Sargent Dessel, human male (Republic Commando)
    Luu Maar, Twi'lek female (Republic Commando)
    Zino, Fallen male (Republic Commando)
    Sothias Has, Chev male (Jedi Knight)
    Pallapish, Hortek female (Jedi Knight)
    Unknown Cargo, unknown.








    Chapter Thirteen
    Watch The World Burn: Descent


    ?When are you going to come home dad?? The small voice asked from the computer. She was a thousand light-years away, but sometimes if Jagi shut his eyes then he felt as if she were right there in his lap looking up at him. He closed his heavy eyes and listened to the sweet melody of his daughters voice. Although his answer would pain her, she needed to know.

    ?It will probably be a long time, sweetheart.? Jagi spoke back in his native Mandalorian tongue. He heard her sigh audibly and couldn't help but crack a smile. She was stubborn to the end. The most stubborn nine year old he knew, but then again he didn't know very many nine year olds.

    ?Papa, I wish you would come home.? She sighed even louder again.

    Jagi laughed. ?Are you taking care of your baby brother?? He asked.

    ?Unfortunately.?

    ?I know Tytus hasn't been causing any trouble,? Jagi laughed. Tytus, his four year old son replied in the background.

    ?I promise, I haven't! I haven't!? He pleaded.

    ?Has he Serri?? He asked him wife.

    ?I don't know if I should say,? She replied playfully.

    ?Ahem, I was suppose to be talking to Papa. It's my turn,? His daughter Piper informed the rest of his family.

    ?You've been keeping up in your studies?? Jagi asked.

    ?Of course, I've also been getting better with a vibroblade.? He could practically see Piper's smile through the comm station.

    ?Have you know? Still think that you will be able to beat me one day?? Jagi asked.

    ?Yes, I know I will. Come home and I will show you.? Piper said.

    Jagi couldn't help but think of the old Mandalorian proverb: ?Train your sons to be strong but your daughters to be stronger.?

    ?Hmm, you just keep practicing. I'm afraid it's time for me to go.?

    ?Alright well, only if you have too.? She said.

    ?I have too,? He reassured.

    ?I love you, Papa.? She said after a moment. His smile grew even bigger.

    ?I love you all very much, be safe and be strong.? Jagi said to the rest of his family.

    ?He knows I haven't been trouble, right?? Tytus asked.

    ?Yes, he knows. I love you, Jagi.? Serri said. ?And if you don't hurry up and end this war, I just might have to help Piper out in this fight you have planned once you do get back.?

    ?I will try my best, Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum.? Jagi ended the long range transmission. Since they were practically in a hot zone of the war, Jagi and Ding did not want to risk a face to face holo transmission so instead they just got to hear each others voices. At least it was something. He leaned back in the cockpit of his ship, the Kyr'tsad, seeing in the transparisteel Ding leaning in the doorway.

    ?Ready to get to work, bossman??

    Jagi sighed, glancing one last time at the speaker in which he heard his children and wife?s voice. The faster he got the job done, the faster he could return home. He stood, his joints creaking as he did so. He faced the much younger Mandalorian. Ding raised h
  17. LaForzaViva Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2008
    star 1
    Good chapter! I'm interested in finding out what this cargo is too, it sounds vaguely Sithy to be honest. Looking forward to more as usual!
  18. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    exciting update and what's in the cargo[face_thinking] Did Revan visit the Rakata?
  19. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    As many of you may be enjoying time with your families, eating leftovers, or recovering from Black Friday shopping like I am, but I hope you will read and enjoy the latest chapter in Echoes of the Force!



    Chapter Fourteen
    Watch the World Burn: Impact


    Aaryn's eye snapped open, and he rapidly blinked away looking from side to side. His almost golden eyes searched for any sign of life. Confusion masked his face as he looked down at his own harness. It felt as if it were cutting all of his air supply. He quickly snapped it off, catching his breath. As if the harness was holding back his memories they began to flood in as soon as he was free. The last thing he remembered was holding on as tight as he could and closing his eyes as the Divinity was hurtling towards Eres III. He quickly looked over at Serick who was slowly blinking his eyes open.

    ?Well, that was fun.? Gep said in the pilot's seat.

    ?What happened? Are we okay?? Aaryn asked, looking at the co-pilot Jedi Knight, Pallapish the Hortek. She seemed fine, even in good spirits.

    ?Yeah, we are good. Had to make some pretty tough turns and I just about blacked out myself.? Gep said, looking back with a smile.

    ?Did we crash?? Serick sounded worried.

    ?What kind of pilot do you think I am? No, we are safe and sound on the ground.? Gep propped his feet up on the console, bringing his hands up behind his lekku.

    ?We have to go move, fast.? Aaryn ordered. ?We've got to cloak the outside of the ship.?

    Serick stood up, and then almost fell down. The Nitko held his stomach and took a deep breath. After he was sure everything was okay he followed Aaryn quickly out of the cockpit. Just about everyone in the main cabin area had also passed out due to the G-force pressure they all experienced. Kaylee sat up, his face quickly reddening.

    ?I'm sorry,? She mumbled. Maverick grinned. She had passed out onto his lap.

    ?No problem here, sunshine.? Maverick said as he unbuckled.

    Kaylee smoothed her blond hair back into her ponytail. Ta'sa looked around the room, rubbing the back of his head.

    ?Jove would have made a much better landing,? He mumbled to himself.

    Aaryn and Serick bolted out of the cockpit, with Pallapish close behind. The Republic Commandos were already out of their seats, checking their heavy blasters. The Fallen male looked to the young blue skinned Twi'lek who was adding a blaster pack to her belt.

    ?I can tell they are going to be fun,? Zino the Fallen Republic Commando smiled mischievously.

    Luu Maar rolled her eyes, her lekku wiggled. ?You think everything is fun.?

    ?I am easy to please,? Zino said.

    Captian Jennix and Sergeant Dessel climbed out of the turrets, Dessel shook his bald head . Captain Jennix, although petite, was a strong human woman with short black hair and a fiery scowl that seemed to be stuck on her face. Dessel, a large brawny human male was the teams second in command and had brains to match his brawn.

    ?Lets get to work, commandos.? Jennix ordered. They all nodded and followed Aaryn, Serick, and Pallapish out of the ship onto the surface of Eres III. Sothias Has, the Chev Jedi was still passed out. Master Gynt knocked him slightly across the head with his wooden staff. The Chev jumped in his seat, looking around in wonder.

    ?Come on, tubby. We got 'work' to do.? Maverick said, checking his heavy blaster. He slide it into his low riding gun sling and followed the rest of the crew out of the ship.

    ***

    Cassus Fett watched the battle with little interest, his arms folded. Something wasn't right. It made absolutely no sense for the Republic to attack his much larger and superior fleet. Manda'lor had sent him all the way back to the pitiful farm planet because their spies had learned that Revan intended to hit Eres III hard and break the supply lines temporarily. Fett had been aware of the Republic's Second Fleet ever since their arrival in-system, and had tolerated their presence. It made sense that the Republic would eventually attack, test
  20. LaForzaViva Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2008
    star 1
    HK-47!!!!

    You sly, sly author. Great chapter, happy thanksgiving, and I can't wait to see my favorite assassin droid do some work!
  21. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    Yes and with him on Aaryn's team it will get real nice[face_worried][face_thinking]
  22. SoA Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2008
    star 3
    HK! I was wondering if that would be him. (Though I think it's only the HK-49s that use adjectives in their statement tags.)

    You've done a good job showing a light and dark side to all of your major characters so far. Here's betting that Revan anticipated this fall from the plans and is already ready with plan B to crush through anyway.
  23. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    Chapter Fifteen
    Watch the World Burn: The Plan


    Everything had turned hazy, everything seemed....incorrect. The world in which he saw was distorted. He no longer had control of his body as he watched the ground move under him, black boots scuffing the ground. He looked up ? he had too, he couldn't control where he looked anymore. Beings from all over the galaxy filled the incorrect place. It looked as if he was in a crowded popular cantina. He leaned against the wall, his arms folded scanning the area. The music vibrated the very wall he was leaning on, but he didn't care because he had no choice anymore. He felt an almost joyful glee as he spotted someone in the distance of the cantina. A man with a hood. Yes! That is who he was looking for, because it was time to begin the game. Reaching down, he felt his pale hand grab hold over something. He looked down at the device he was holding.

    Though everything was in a haze, he could still make out the blurry image of Jove Sunflare.
    Aaryn willed himself to bring the datapad closer to the eyes so he could see. But suddenly he quickly looked up. Aaryn felt like a foreign invader now, like he was being pushed out of this incorrect, distorted world. Aaryn fought to stay in, he needed to see what the datapad said about Jove. But he couldn't help but he pushed out by a strong dark force. He closed his eyes and that's when Aaryn fell into the abyss.

    ***

    Clumps of debris rained down onto Aaryn's face, forcing his eyes open. He gasped loudly, reaching up towards the air. His mind was quickly registering that he control over his body once again. His mind then went onto the next problem and he forced his mind out of the fogginess to remember the events that had lead him there. He was on a mission. A mission to a planet called Eres III. They had just been attacked by Mandalorian soldiers before they could split up! He felt his arms being pulled on by someone. He looked back seeing the large Chev Jedi, Sothias trying to drag him out of danger.

    ?I ouk.? Aaryn said. He tried again. ?I'm okay.? Either Sothias didn't hear, or didn't care because he continued to drag Aaryn out of the way into the Xoxin. Aaryn forced himself to his feet, turning and facing the Chev.

    ?Thanks, pal. Let's go.? Aaryn patted him on the back. Sothias nodded, running as fast as his feet could take him into the large field. Just ahead of him was his part of the team. Jennix and Zino where on their knees, their standard military issued blasters pointed in the direction they had just come from. As soon as Sothias and Aaryn passed by, Zino got up moving backwards but his eyes still on the area quickly followed by Jennix.

    Ahead of Sothias and Aaryn where Dyson, Serick, and Ta'sa with the Nautolan leading the way with his wooden staff. As they were running he heard Jennix talking on her comlink.

    ?Dessel, you thinking what I'm thinking?? She asked.

    The reply came back instantly from the other team, now split up. ?Already ahead of you.? He replied. Zino glanced over at Jennix, his long top not swaying from side to side as he ran.

    ?That will draw their attention to us,? He protested. Jennix slide to a stop in the middle of the Xoxin stalks, her boots churning up the dirt. She wiggled her equipment pack of her back and dug into it.

    ?Too late for that,? She muttered.

    Zino rolled his eyes and began doing the same with his own. Aaryn was tempted to stay and watch but Sothias urged him onwards. Both Jennix and Zino finally had their equipment out and began to connect it together to create a very large missile launcher. Zino held the back end as Jennix held the very front.

    ?Three, two, one, fire.? Jennix said into her comlink. Simultaneously two missiles launched from opposite sides from the fields, converging on the area they had just occupied and now stood the Mandalorian troops. A large plume of fire and smoke shot into the air. Although the Fallen had disagreed, he couldn't help but smile every time after firing the missile launc
  24. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    exciting action and will Aryn and friends be alright?[face_thinking]
  25. LaForzaViva Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 6, 2008
    star 1
    Very tough end, with your admiral going down on his ship like that. Every person would praise Revan, but we tend to forget that war claims lives, often of good people.

    If I may I do have a few bits of concrit. I've noticed over the past couple of chapters that it's been heading this way, but this one was pretty stark - I'm getting confused as to whose perspective we're in. In Whispers, it was primarily Aaryn's viewpoint. And you've done a great job of moving to different points of view on events, but it seems like you've shifted from a third person limited perspective (one person's mind at a time) to a floating third person perspective, where we can get multiple people's thoughts at once. For example, we get a taste of Maverick's thoughts during the battle, then we get one of the Republic commandos when she is weighing whether to send HK out there. If you want to use floating third person, there's nothing wrong with it at all, that's your choice as an author; I've just noticed it more often recently, that's all.

    The other thing is to keep a close eye on which prepositions fit with which verbs. For example, "the attack from the Mandalorians" as compared to "the attack by the Mandalorians." The first example implies ownership of the attack and is unclear, the second mandates ownership of the attack.

    I can be picky on style and often style is personal, so don't start changing things around - these are just my own observations. Good read!
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.