El Thread de los Chistes! :D

Discussion in 'Puerto Rico Star Wars FanForce' started by Spike_Spiegel, Mar 5, 2003.

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  1. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    Beer Consumption

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
  2. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
    The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

    The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

    The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
  3. Aleia Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 7, 2002
    star 3
    era la epoca de los vampiros..
    Ya se habia acabado la sangre en el mundo. En un bar bien lejanno.. habian artos vampiros muertos de hambre a sangre.
    Todos los vampiros no sabian que hacer...

    Derepente!

    entra un vampiro lleno de sangre en la cara...
    todo el cuerpo lleno de sangre...

    Todos los vampiros en el bar saltaron : ssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaah
    preguntando donde habia encontrado sangre...

    Donde hay sangre! donde hay sangre!
    donde hay sangre!

    Y despues de un silencio... dijo el vampiro lleno de sangre:

    Ven mi auto al otro lado de la calle?...

    Choque y casi me mate huevones! alludenme que estoy sangrando!
    ----------------------------------------

    hmmm...
    para la informacion de ustsedes.. ahora estoy con un dolor de cabeza que me rio de todo.. este es el chiste mas fome de el mundo parese.. pero pero,,, es que mi cerebreo no esta funcionando como tiene que funcionar hoy... hehe hoy dije quieria decir.. mi cerebro no funciona como tiene que funcionar 360 dias al año...


    Halguen me quiere tirar tomates?

    :D


  4. Aleia Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 7, 2002
    star 3
    tengo que cantar mi cancion de aburrida:

    tudududu du du du du...
  5. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
    When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
    When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
    When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
    When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
    When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
    When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
    When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
    When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
    When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
    When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
    When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
    When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
    When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
    When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
    When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
    When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
    When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
    When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
    When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
    When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
    When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
    When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
    When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
    When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
    When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
    When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
    When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
  6. Maul Brady Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 1999
    star 4
    Lollol There are too funny! El mas que me dio pavera fue el de Pinoshoo! LOLOLOL

    :)
    AMY, in her 2nd cameo appearance of the month :p
  7. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
    "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

    "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

    The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''
  8. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

    His wife said, "Where are you going?"

    He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

    And she said, "Why, are you sick?"

    "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

    So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

    She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too."

    He asked why.

    She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"

  9. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
    The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

    The husband replies, "Autumn."



  10. Jedi_Boricua Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2002
    star 4
    Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

    The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

    Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

    Connor began to cry.

    The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
  11. Spike_Spiegel Former FF Administrator Former Saga Mod

    Member Since:
    Aug 12, 2002
    star 6
    Receta para hacer
    UN Orlando Parga

    - 300lbs. de manteca El Cochinito
    - 4 tazas de food coloring rojo
    - 1 lengua de cerdo
    - 1 cerebro de mime
    - 1 estomago de ballena
    - 2 nalgas de elefante
    - 1 cabeza de burro

    UN ROMERO.

    -10 Gal de extracto de asesino
    -1 cerebro de Maquiavelo
    -1 lengua de serpiente
    -3 tazas de agua Maravilla(al que no quiere caldo...)
    - 247 lbs. de mierda de caballo
    -1 Gal. de extracto de buitre
    -10 lombrices de Tierra
    -1 Doz.de cucarachas americanas
    -1 Lb. de gargajos cremosos
    -dos cuernos
    -un rabo puntiagudo
    -1 araña pelua
    -1 ramo de morivivi
    -sal y corrupcion a gusto

    UNA SILA

    - 8 YDS. de mundillo
    - 12 YDS. de encajes
    - 6 YDS. de seda
    - 4 Yds.de chifon
    -2 latas de hair spray
    -110 Lbs.de porcelana
    - 1 rollo de teflon
    - 1 rollo de tela de asbesto
    - 2 Lbs. de colorete
    - 4 pares de cojones enlatados

    UN BATHIA

    - 1 Tomo de modales y protocolo
    - 2 latas de hair spray
    - 1 espejo
    - 1 tanga
    - 1 Gal. de perfume frances barato(orin d`antier)
    - 1 closet con llave
    - 1 arcoiris
    - 12 Yds. de cuero
    - 1 latigo
    - 3 Yds. de cadenas
    - 1 par de esposas(y no es deborah)
    -la coleccion completa de Culture Club y Village People
    - un ramo de rosas

    UN MISLA

    - 1 nariz de pinocho
    - 1 cerebro de espantapajaros
    - 2 doz. de trajes a la medida
    - 2 latas de hair spray
    - 1 rabo de cerdo
    - 2 Doz de pantalones con bolsillos extra grandes
    - 1 culo de mandril
    - 1 espejo
    - 1 pote de grecian formula
    - 1 cartilla fonetica
    - 1 Gal. de extracto de rata de alcantarilla

    UN LEO DIAZ

    - 1 Saco de huesos de sopa
    - 1 lengua de cotorra
    - 1 cara de mono titi
    - 1 rabo de mono
    - 1 cerebro de loro africano
    - 1 enciclopedia Encarta
    - 1 pinta de extracto de ladilla

    UN PESQUERA.
    1- 10 Lbs. de amnesia
    2- 1 super ducha
    3- 1 curso de diccion
    4- un tren incompleto
    5- 100 Lbs. de promesas
    6- 10 Lbs. de extracto de fuerza e cara
    7- 4 tazas de negacion
    8- un altar de sacrificio
    9- 1 pote de brillantina Alka
    10 - una estatuilla de los 3 monos sabios,(no veo ,no oigo,no digo)

    UN ROSSELLO.

    1- 10 Gal. de extracto de corrupcion
    2- 100 Lbs. de podredumbre
    3- 50 Lbs. de sobornos
    4- 1 cartera bien grande
    5- 25 Lbs. de pitiyanquismo daculista
    6- 1 latigo
    7- 10 Lbs. de empresarios corruptos
    8- 1 imagen de SAN YO
  12. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
    "Meow," says the redhead.

    "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

    "Woof," says the brunette.

    "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

    "Potatoes," says the blonde.




    What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?
    "Neato...Doughnut seeds!"

  13. Jedi_Boricua Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2002
    star 4
    Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim.........the patient you saved, hung himself with his bath robe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Mary replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
  14. Skalderan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 10, 2002
    star 4
    Estaban un Cubano, un Americano y un Boricua hablando de los grandes avances medicos de sus respectivos paises...

    El Cubano:" oyeme chiquitico, aya en Cuba nacio un tipo sin Piernas y los Doctoreh le pusieron unas piernas de palo y ahora mismo es el mejor corredor de los 400 metros con vallas del mundo"

    los demas se miraron con asombro cuando sale...

    El Gringo: "oh yeah? well in the states, nacio un kid without brazos you know, and then came the doctors y le pusieron unas mechanical arms you know... y today es el mejor baseball player en las grandes ligas... aint that something?"

    El Boricua:"psstt.. acho mano eso no es na' mijo... en mi isla de Puelto Rrrico nacieron muchas gentes sin cabeza pero vinieron los doctores les pusieron sacos e'mielda y hoy en dia ocupan las oficinas del Capitolio y la Fortaleza"

    ...y se divertiran, tan tan tan...!
  15. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.
    "I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

    "Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

    "I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

    "Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

    "Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"
  16. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday!
  17. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
    "Can I touch it?"

    "No way -- you already broke yours off!"


    ---------------------------------------------


    A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
    "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

    The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

    "What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

    "I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
  18. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
    The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
    He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
  19. MegaJediRafa RSA Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 1, 2002
    star 4
    Top Ten Imperial Bumper Stickers
    Real pilots wear black
    My kid arrested your honor student
    Join us!
    Tie fighter pilots' union, local thx-1138
    Imperials do it in formation
    Only wimps have shields
    That's no moon... I'll show you a moon!
    My other ship is the executor
    If you ain't a dark lord, you ain't sith (Darth Vader only)
    I brake for... I don't have brakes! Aaaaaaaahh!



    Top Ten Dark Side Powers
    Ability to get GWAR tickets.
    Making anything you wear look good.
    Spouting cool one-liners.
    Morphing? Palpatine's idea.
    Understanding tax forms/VCR programming.
    Sounding like James Earl Jones.
    Line-of-sight remote strangulation.
    That bitchin' lightning trick.
    Instilling fear.
    Impressing chicks through levitation.



    Top Ten Things Never To Say To Darth Vader
    "Is that your final answer?"
    "Is that a laptop in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"
    "Force, Schmorce... you don't scare me, you overgrown tin can!"
    "Where do you hide your cigarette lighter in that outfit?"
    "Oh, yeah, you and what army is gonna stop us?"
    "C'mon, the Emperor's just an old geezer, right?"
    "Take off the cape, you idiot, you look like a bad Zorro!"
    "Did you know the stormtroopers are taking bets on how long it takes to polish your helmet?"
    "So, how long before the Rebels kick your butt... again?"
    "So this is Death Star... what a hunk of junk! What moron came up with this one?"



    Top Twelve Extras On Darth Vader's Custom Tie Fighter
    Hyperspace capability, multiplier x1.
    Excellent trunk space.
    Mini disco ball.
    Mon Mothma pin-up air freshener.
    Nitro-burning ion engines.
    Mag-Alloy wing braces.
    Musical horn plays The Imperial March.
    Shields (someone finally figured that out).
    Tape, CD, DAT, and 8-Track players.
    Fun bumper sticker: IF YOU AIN'T A DARK LORD, YOU AIN'T SITH.
    Sienar Fleet Systems' patented "North Star" System.
    Fuzzy dice made from Ewok pelts.



    Top Seven Things I'd Do If I Was Vader
    Make lotsa deep-breathin' phone calls.
    Challenge a fitness-freak Darth Maul impersonator to a duel. Pants him. Laugh.
    Get a job as a radio dj.
    Redesign my bionic parts so I can transform into a stealth bomber. Buzz the Statue of Liberty.
    Start pullin' levitation pranks in physics class.
    Activate light saber, balance it 'tween my knees, an' sing The Lumberjack Song.
    Endorse Republican candidates in all elections, no matter how much they beg me to stop.



    Top Four Reasons Why Vader Is So Cool
    He doesn't play favorites. Whether he's crushing the rebel alliance, bringing an entire Jedi order to extinction or choking imperial officers his only aim is to do the will of his master.
    23 years on and he's still king of the bad guy pile. Not even a strong showing from his Darth predecessor Maul can knock him off his perch.
    An important part of getting dressed up as Vader is having the sinister black mask. To get dressed up as Maul you need to shave your head and tattoo your face.
    The records show Maul is responsible for one death, Vader has had his hand in BILLIONS



    Yoda's Pickup Lines

    "Excitement? Adventure? A Jedi craves not those things... he already has 'em... an' (wink) gives 'em."
    "Are you an angel?"
    "Wanna come see my saber? It's practically a part of me."
    "Don't I know you? Oh, 'course I do... We got hot scenes in the later episodes."
    "Didn't we go to Jedi Academy together?" (Y'see, there's only one Jedi Academy, so...)
    "Does that crown make you horny?"
    "You will... come... with me. It is your destiny."
    "Hey, 'hot sister,' wanna create a disturbance in the Force?"
    "I can make us the most perfect little romantic get-away place right by the sea where no one will ever find us... (Well, except maybe Akanah or one of the other White Current chicks, that is...)"
    "A Jedi can feel the Force... throbbing within him."



    18 Things You'll Never Hear Yoda Say...
    Size matters not... hey, what are you laughing at?
    Lift that ship?! You must be out of your freaking mind!
    Get thee your lips off Leia, she's your sister for crying out loud!
    Remember all that stuff Obi-Wan taught you? Forge
  20. kyle_katarn_pr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 28, 2002
    star 3
    Tengo uno bueno:
    Quien es el nene que mejor juego escondite en Puerto Rico?

    Posteen sus contestaciones.
  21. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    Kyle, si la contestacion es lo que estoy pensando......

    You will rot in HELL
  22. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating." Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."
    The first girl said, "I can't."
    Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"
    The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"
  23. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze. "Silver," she said.
    "Why not gold?"
    "Because I want you to come second for once!"







    A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
    "I can't wear your trousers." she said.
    "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
    With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
    "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
    She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
  24. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,?'Honey, my hands are freezing!? She says, ?Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.? After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, ?Man! My hands are really freezing!? She says again, ?Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.? He does, and again that warms him up.
    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, ?Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.? She looks at him and says, ?For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold??
  25. Ktulu_Terumo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
    She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
    The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
    In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''
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