Before Envy Of My Heart (Xani angst, AU, One post vignette)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Neon Star, Sep 7, 2003.

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  1. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    Its a very short vignette that just begged to be written. Hope you like it. :) Possible tissue warning.

    Envy Of My Heart


    I?d never thought I would say this, or even think it, but I envy my former Master, I envy him with all my heart, or what is left of it, and that envy is slowly tearing me apart. Because tonight he is holding the one I should be holding, comforting the one that I should be comforting, loving the one that was meant to be of my love. He has my son, and he treats him as if he were his own, when he is mine. While I stand here, watching through the tainted glass of the balcony, trying so hard to reign in my emotions. I only want to talk to my son; I just want to tell him that I do indeed love him. But he doesn?t even know I?m his father, and if he did, he would hate it, just as he hates me.

    Yet why does he cry now? While my former Master, the man I once called father, holds him tight, and whispers whatever lies he has conjured up? Why do I see tears fall from those beautiful eyes, so like mine, with just the hint of his mother in them? Why am I watching this?

    I know Qui-gon is trying to explain why I supposedly killed myself, and seemingly the boy is heartbroken about it. Could it be, in some small way, that he grieves for me? A father he will never know, or is it because I?m just another of the lost? Qui-gon would never tell him the truth, so I suppose it is just my son?s compassionate heart.

    I press a hand upon the glass, feeling its cold, cruel, solid texture against my equally cold, pale flesh. It?s a barrier, a very cruel barrier, between my child and myself, like if it were there to keep the darkness from the light. Perhaps it is, for my child is such a brilliant light, a light so bright it eclipses almost all other souls around it. It is that light that is keeping him from sensing me now, and perhaps I should be grateful, but my heart only cries.

    My hand that rests upon the glass clenches slightly, fingernails digging into the soft flesh of my palms as I try to lessen the pain within, by creating pain without. But it doesn?t work, and as the blood runs down from the small wounds I have made, I find the pain in my chest becoming greater.

    I am one of the richest, most powerful men in the galaxy. I can have almost anything I want with just a sharp command to the right person. I can own most of the galaxy if I please. I have been sought after by many for my looks, and I have won wars with my skills in combat and commanding. Yet, despite all my wealth, all my power, all my beauty and strength, I can?t have what I most desire, what I need. I just want my son! And yet, I cannot have him.

    I can?t have him, I can?t hold him, I can?t tell him I love him and that I am proud of him. I can?t even be near him. No, I can only stand out here like a common vagabond, and watch him through this glass, and every second spent watching him is agony.

    Because even though I am so powerful, so rich, I am also one of the wickedest men in the galaxy. My very presence breathes evil. I am of the fallen, a Jedi turned dark, a betrayer, a murderer, and so much more. Thus I cannot be near him, because my darkness would either enhance his light, or destroy it, and I cannot take the chance of destroying it, of hurting him beyond repair.

    Despite all that I am, despite every evil task I have done, I find I can still love, and it is that love that saves what is left of my soul from the dark. And it is that love that is killing me now.

    Tears pour from my eyes, and I press my forehead against the glass, my silk black hair covering my face as I weep for what I will never have. At one time, perhaps I could have been happy, perhaps I could have been the father he deserves. But no longer. Not after watching his mother die in my arms, not after killing her murderer with my bare hands. Perhaps I could have turned back then, remembered that I had an infant son that needed me. But I didn?t, and in the end, I gave my soul to darkness to stop the pain, and to wreck my revenge upon this uncaring galaxy. Oh, how I
  2. Hananiah Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 15, 2003
    star 4
    Very moving viggie. I really felt for Xanatos.
  3. YodaKenobi VIP

    VIP
    Member Since:
    May 27, 2003
    star 6
    That was really good. You did a great job empathizing with Xantos, not an easy character to do that with. Keep it up! :)
  4. Xanatos_son_of_Crion Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2003
    star 2
  5. BuT_theGoat_toldme2 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Aug 8, 2003
    just make me cry! :p

    *cries some more*
  6. WedgeDarklighter Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 29, 2003
  7. Jack_Sparrow Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 13, 2003
    Very dramatic! Well done! :)
  8. Jenny_The_Jedi_Girl Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 16, 2001
    star 4
  9. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
    Beautiful! :) You write him so well Neon, it's always a joy to read.
  10. Phoenix_Reborn Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 23, 2003
    star 4
    This is just a viggie :(


    Great Neon!
  11. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    That was beautiful! And sooo sad. Almost had me :_|! (and yes, that is an acomplishment, even if the tears don't fall) Excellant look into Xanatos' mind, and the feelings of knowing that you cannot raise your own child. It would take so much strength to admit that your flesh and blood would do better with someone other than yourself.

    --later--
  12. Xanatos_son_of_Crion Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2003
    star 2
    Espiecally when that someone is your enemy.
  13. JadeSolo Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2002
    star 6
    WOW! Please write more--this was great!

    I think Obi-Wan should stay with his dad... :)
  14. Trickster_Jaina_Fel Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 3, 2002
    star 5
    incredible job -- powerful and with an ache that leaps off the pages (computer screen :p)

    ~TJF
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