Saga Episode I: An Unseen Force (TPM rewrite) (12/17 FINAL)

Disappointed that no-one else has read and reviewed this, yet.

Okay-dokey, Chapter One

Now that you have gotten to the bit where The Phantom Menace starts, you are falling into the same 'trap' that I am on one of my E-Branch chapters, no choice but to recount what everybody already knows, but with one or two minor tweaks.
This lowered the reader experience for me.

I did like the interplay between the two Neimoudians, and the insight into their thoughts about expense, as offered by the droid controller, as well as a bit of characterisation for the pilot of the Ambassadorial Shuttle, though given the welcome they had over Coronet, and that you have her thinking this been a setup from the get-go, why hasn't she got her shields up for ***** sake?!

Sorry, but the rest felt like too much of a retread of the first moments of TPM.

I read several lines into Chapter Two, which offers more opportunity for descriptions of people, and you make good work for the young queen and her handmaidens, making your own mark with the descriptions about hair and rings. Nice.

I know I am actively trying to wean myself off only doing skin descriptions for darker-skinned characters, with nothing for Caucasians, so I noticed it more when you did it only for Captain Panaka.

Looking back a bit earlier, I felt that you should insert something that causes Qui Gonn to recognise the dioxin gas, rather than have him just blurt it. You leave the impression that he has special powers or something. Some sort of particular tang in the air or something. Maybe if yellow smoke in the SW galaxy always means dioxin, put that bit first. Also, given that the conference room is fairly large, they should have nipped over to the end with the clearer air, before taking their deep breaths. Your description of them doing it just before the dioxin envelopes them, reads as a bit risky.

In contrast to the Prologue, Chapter One does make one wonder why you are re-writing TPM, since there isn't a heck of a lot different here.

 

Thanks for your continuing feedback!

It's good that you brought some of this up, namely the thoughts about my rehashing some familiar parts of the original. If you would kindly see my note at the very beginning, though, in which I say:

...you will see that while I made some key changes (one major change being in the very chapter you've stopped at), I left many things in the story that I personally had no problem with. By the end, after seeing the various changes I made, my hope is that readers would go, "Okay, he didn't hack this apart for the sake of sticking it to ol' George." I respect the original in many ways. (Jar Jar Binks is not one of them.) But I thought that there were several parts that could be clarified or improved without going off in some wild direction. Example: The Neimoidians want to bar trade and travel to and from Naboo. Okay, who cares? And can it be explained more simply? With the double-triple-quadruple-crossing and ridiculous governmental mumbo jumbo going on in the movie, I figured there was a way. Hence the adjusted dialogue between Gunray and Amidala, among other changes.

(Episode II, however, is not receiving such respectful revision. Because I thought it had the most issues, it is almost nothing like its counterpart.)

As for the shield: Eh, their transport needed to be cut off because story. But actually, she thought there was a setup, but never 1. suspected the link between Corellia and the Federation 2. figured they'd be so bold as to destroy a Republic Ambassador ship. That amounts to all-out war... unless there are no snitching survivors.