Episodes VII and VIII drafts (Humor)

I had seen the recent Star Trek movies under Abrams, and noted he takes a lot of homages from previous Star Trek films. As a joke, I speculated what the sequel trilogy would be like if he decided to pull the storylines from his work on Star Trek--here it is:

Star Wars Episode VII: Jedi Trek

In 23 ABY, on the planet Kashyyyk, a young Lowbacca is invited to join the Wookiee Science Academy. Discovering that the Academy views his high midi-chlorian count as a "burden", he decides to join the Jedi instead.

In 51 ABY, the Millennium Falcon leads a Galactic Alliance fleet investigating a "lightning storm" in space. An Abominor ship, the Heep, emerges from the storm and attacks the Falcon. Heep’s first officer, Daatuh, demands that the Falcon’s Ambassador Leia come aboard to negotiate a truce. Once aboard, Leia is questioned about the location of Kashyyyk, which she refuses to tell. Heep’s commander, Loar, kills her, and continues his attack on the Falcon. General Han Solo, the Falcon’s commander, orders the ship's personnel to evacuate the ship and follow the Alliance fleet in retreat while he pilots the Falcon on a collision course with the Heep. At the cost of his life, Han ensures the survival of his granddaughter, Allana Solo, who escapes with the fleeing fleet while the Falcon is destroyed.

Allana becomes reckless as a result of losing her grandparents. After a cantina fight with Jedi padawans accompanying Klin-Fa Gi, Allana meets Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. He encourages Solo to enlist in Jedi Academy, where she meets and befriends the cynical healer Cilghal.

Three years later, Lowbacca accuses Padawan Allana of cheating during the Dark Side Cave test. Allana believes cheating was okay because of the fact the test was literally unbeatable: When she took her weapons into the cave, she cut down a Sith that shared her face, and was lectured by Master Skywalker. When she retook the test without her weapons, she was shocked by Sith lightning that her Dark Side illusionary double generated, and scolded by Master Skywalker for not taking her lightsaber and that, “A Jedi’s saber is her most precious possession. She must keep it with her at all times. This weapon is your life!” Allana then took a ysalamir into the cave on the third try, suppressing Force Visions, and torched the cave to the ground, resulting in her hearing. The disciplinary hearing is interrupted by a distress signal from Kashyyyk. With the Alliance fleet out of range, the Jedi are mobilized. Cilghal and Allana board Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Patrol cruiser, the Resolute, named after the legendary ship his father commanded in the Clone Wars. Realizing that the "lightning storm" observed by Kashyyyk is similar to the one that occurred at the time of her grandparents’ death, Allana convinces Luke the distress signal is a trap.

The Resolute arrives at Kashyyyk to find an Alliance and Jedi fleet destroyed and the Heep drilling into Kashyyyk’s core. Heep attacks the Resolute and Luke surrenders, giving Lowbacca command and promoting Allana to first officer. Allana, R2-D2, and Jaden Korr perform a space jump onto the drilling platform. Korr is killed but Allana and Artoo disable it. However, Loar launches a "mass shadow generator" into the core, creating an artificial black hole that destroys the planet. Lowbacca rescues the Wookiee council and his father Mahraccor, though his mother dies.

As the Heep heads toward Coruscant, Loar tortures Luke to gain access to Coruscant’s defenses, and Allana is stranded on Alaris Prime after attempting mutiny. Allana encounters Chewbacca, long believed killed at the Battle of Sernpidal during the Yuuzhan Vong war decades ago. Chewie explains that he survived the battle through a last-minute wormhole to the Abominor galaxy, where the Abominor homeworld was threatened by a volatile supernova. Chewie’s attempt to build a "mass shadow generator" to create a black hole and consume the supernova failed, and Loar’s family perished along with the Abominor homeworld. Heep and Chewie’s vessel were caught in the black hole, sending them back to Chewie’s home galaxy. Loar stranded Chewie on Alaris Prime to watch Kashyyyk’s destruction as revenge for failing to save the Abominor homeworld.

Reaching a Jedi outpost, Allana and Chewie meet Kyle Katarn. With new teleportation technology Chewie stole during his time with the Abominor, Allana and Katarn teleport onto the Resolute. Following Chewbacca’s advice, Allana provokes Lowbacca into attacking her with his claws, leading Lowbacca to relinquish command due to being emotionally compromised and shamed as a “madclaw.” After talking with Mahraccor, Lowbacca decides to help Allana. While Resolute hides itself under the gas clouds of Muscave, Allana and Lowie teleport to the Heep; Allana rescues Luke while Lowie uses Chewie’s ship to destroy the drill. Lowie leads the Heep away from Coruscant and sets his ship to collide with Loar’s ship. Resolute arrives and teleports Allana, Luke, and Lowie aboard. Chewie’s ship and the Heep collide igniting the "mass shadow generator" and consuming the Heep in a black hole.

On Coruscant, Allana Solo is promoted to the rank of Jedi Master in command of the Resolute. Lowie encounters Chewie. Having selected a planet for the surviving Wookiees to colonize, Chewie persuades his nephew to continue serving the Jedi, encouraging him to do what feels right, instead of what is “honorable”. Lowie remains in the Jedi and becomes first officer under Allana’s command. Resolute goes to hyperspace as Chewbacca roars in approval.


Star Wars Episode VIII: Into the Dark Side

After violating the law of non-interference in the development of primitive cultures, Jedi Master Allana Solo loses command of her Jedi patrol cruiser: the Resolute. Master Luke Skywalker is reinstated as Resolute’s commanding officer. Luke, feeling that Solo deserves a second chance, assigns Solo as his first officer.

After a secret Rogue Squadron installation in Coruscant is bombed, Luke and Allana attend a meeting of the Jedi Council to discuss the manhunt for the perpetrator, a rogue Zabrak Galactic Alliance agent named Cody Antilles. The meeting is attacked by a jumpship piloted by Antilles. Allana destroys the jumpship, but not before Luke is killed. Cody escapes by teleporting to the Iskalloni homeworld of Iskadrell. Solo is reinstated as Resolute’s commander and receives orders from General Lando Calrissian to hunt down Cody Antilles. Calrissian has 72 prototype proton torpedoes delivered to the Resolute, and orders Solo to fire them at Antilles’ location on Iskadrell as soon as Solo is in range. Kyle Katarn resigns in protest at his not being allowed to inspect the new weapons, and Lowbacca, Cilghal and Klin-Fa Gi convince Allana that it would be better to capture rather than kill Antilles and have him tried for his crimes. In the meanwhile, a new scientist boards the Resolute.

Arriving on Iskadrell, Solo, Lowie and Gi set out to capture Antilles but are intercepted by Iskalloni. Antilles kills the Iskalloni but surrenders to Solo after learning the number of torpedoes aimed at him. Returning to the Resolute, Antilles reveals his true identity as Darth Maul, a Sith Lord who was placed in carbonite along with 72 Death Watch warriors by Emperor Palpatine after Maul attempted to take over Mandalore during the Clone Wars. Maul was unfrozen from a decades-long period of suspended animation by General Calrissian to develop weapons for a future war between the Galactic Alliance and the Iskalloni. The torpedoes contain carbonite pods holding Maul’s Death Watch followers inside, previously held hostage by Calrissian.

Resolute is intercepted by an unmarked Galactic Alliance warship, the Vulture, designed by Maul and commanded by General Calrissian. Calrissian demands that Allana hand over Maul, but Allana refuses. Resolute heads to Coruscant to have Maul stand trial, but is caught and attacked by Vulture. With the Resolute severely damaged, Solo offers to hand over Maul and the carbonite pods in exchange for the lives of her crew. Chance Calrissian, the general’s son, reveals himself to have joined the crew of the Resolute under a pseudonym; Lando teleports him to Vulture and reveals his intention to destroy Resolute in his plan to dispose of Death Watch and start a war with the Iskalloni. Vulture prepares to open fire, but suffers a power outage caused by Kyle Katarn, who has infiltrated the ship. With the teleporters down, Allana and Maul travel to Vulture by "space jump" between the airlocks of each ship. After taking control of the bridge Maul overpowers Katarn, kills General Calrissian, knocks out Allana, crushes Chance’s leg, and takes control of the Vulture.

Maul negotiates with Lowbacca, teleporting Allana and her boarding party back to the Resolute in exchange for the 72 torpedoes, planning to destroy the Resolute. Lowie hands over the torpedoes to Maul, but only after removing Maul’s frozen warriors and having Cilghal arm the torpedoes. The torpedoes incapacitate Vulture, and both damaged starships start descending towards Coruscant. With a misalignment of the hyperdrive resulting in the Resolute being powerless, Allana elects to enter the radioactive engine chamber and re-aligns the hyperdrive in time for the ship to prevent its destruction. Allana suffers fatal radiation poisoning in the process and dies.

Maul crashes Vulture into Coruscant, where Lowbacca teleports down to pursue him. Cilghal's experiment on an Ewok reveals that Maul’s blood contains regenerative midi-chlorians stemming from being experimented upon by Darth Plagueis as a boy, and likely causing his survival of the Battle of Naboo. These properties may save Allana. Lowbacca and Klin-Fa Gi capture Maul and Allana Solo is revived. One year later, Allana addresses a gathering memorializing the events, reciting the Jedi Code. Maul is refrozen in carbonite and stored away with Death Watch. A rebuilt Resolute departs for a mission of guarding peace and justice in the galaxy.

 

lol