EU Book-a-Minute

Since this thread is just the beginning, I'd like to set out the ground rules. Well really, there are none, this is just a parody of EU books, but they're condensed too, I shal post the original rinkworks condensed version of Heir to the Empire.

Mara Jade


Luke Skywalker, I hate you like I hate paper cuts on the webbing between my fingers.

Luke Skywalker

Oh.

(Meanwhile, somewhere else...)

Grand Admiral Thrawn

The Emperor was a fool. If only he had studied art, he might have beaten the rebellion.


Joruus C'Baoth

It doesn't matter. I'm going to rule the universe anyway, on account of I'm so great.


(Some ACTION scenes happen.)




THE END

 

ROGUE PLANET by Greg Bear

OBI-WAN KENOBI and his Padawan ANAKIN SKYWALKER travel to ZENOMA SEKOT to find the missing Bird Jedi.

ANAKIN: Wizard! The ships are ALIVE! Can I have one? Please? PLEEEEEASE?

Some uninteresting stuff happens.

OBI-WAN: Anakin seriously scares the **** out of me.

More boring things. The mission FAILS.

READERS: ...What the hell?

THE END



STAR BY STAR by Troy Denning

YOUNG JEDI: We're going on a suicide mission.

ADULTS: NO! ...Or go. Either way. Have fun!

The band of young Jedi Knights make their way onto a YUUZHAN VONG WORLDSHIP to kill some new Force monster thingy.

KYP DURRON: dies

LFL: Troy...

TROY DENNING: Oh fine, then, who can I kill?

ANAKIN SOLO: dies

F.A.D.A.: NOOOOOOO! ANAKIN! You can't die! Your character has been too well-developed!

TROY DENNING: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JAINA SOLO becomes a Force witch. JACEN SOLO is captured by the evil YUUZHAN VONG. TROY DENNING is signed for another book deal with LFL.

THE END

 

Traitor by Matthew Stover

WHITE!

Vergere: Pain is a god.

Jacen: You betrayed me.

Vergere: Yes I did.

Philosophy ensues.

Jacen: I'll make friends with the Vong creatures.

Vong Creatures: We love you!

Jacen: I'll kill you!

Vong Creatures: We hate you!

More philosophy ensues.

Jacen: You betrayed me again.

Vergere: I never betrayed you.

Jacen: Uhhhh...

Vergere: Welcome home.

Anakin: Hi.

Jacen: Uhhhh...

Yet more Philosophy ensues.

Ganner: I have to find Jacen.

Jacen: Hi.

Ganner: You betrayed me.

Jacen: No I didn't.

Ganner: Uhhhh...

Jacen: Here's a script, follow my lead.

Ganner: Okay.

Fight scene ensues.

Ganner: [black_knight]NONE SHALL PASS![/black_knight]

Jacen and Vergere get away.

The end.

 

Children Of The Jedi
By Barbara Hambley

Big ship appears somewhere, picks up every second-rate species it can find.

Luke: I'm going to track it down and stop it.

Luke tracks it down, stops it.

Leia et all find an old Jedi haunt.

Leia: Maybe they were here?
Han: Sure, why not?
R2: bweeeeeet (translation: I'm going to kill you all)

Young dark Jedi shows up, causes trouble, seemingly dies.

Luke falls in love with a disembodied girl.

Luke: I love you.
Callista: I have no body.
Luke: Use this dead one.
Callista: Sure.

End.

 

Agents of Chaos II: Jedi Eclipse

Leia: Help me with these refugees!
NR Gaurd: I'd like to lady, but I've got a really bad stomach ache and- ah, screw it, I just want to live! *runs onto transport*

*battle rages*

Leia: Hi Wurth.
Wurth Skidder: What's up?
Leia: Darn Yuuzhan Vong.
Skidder: Cool beans. *gets captured*


*BORING POLITICAL STUFF*

Skidder: Hello yammosk. Can you do me a favor?
Yammosk: [Flanders_voice] Surely durely! [/Flanders]
Skidder: Make Chine-kal think...
Yammosk: [Flanders_voice] Well darn diddly 'arn, I'm afraid I can't do that, Jeedai
Skidder: Cool beans. *gets hauled off*


*Meanwhile...*

Leia: Help me Isolder Kenobi, you're my only hope.
Isolder: But my name isn't Ken-
*Leia bats eyes*
Isolder: Sure...I'll..help..you...you...sexy...beast

*MORE BORING STUFF ABOUT SPICE TRAILS*

Droid: You are the Chosen One, sent to save us.
Han: Shut it.
Droid: But you saved us.
Han: I really-
Droma: -hate droids.
Han: Hey!
Droma: I smell.


*EVEN MORE BORING STUFF ABOUT CORELLIA*

Kyp: We're here to save you, Wurth.
Skidder: Cool beans. But I'm dying. Just save the Hutt.
Kyp: The Hutt?!
Skidder: He's the Chosen One, even though the Oracle didn't say so. Get Randa out of the Matrix.
Kyp: What the **** are you talking about?
Skidder: Cool beans. *dies*


*BATTLE AT FONDOR*

Jacen: They're at Fondor.
Anakin: Ah poodoo.
Jacen: Don't use the Force in aggression.
Anakin: Ok.
Thracken Sal-Solo: Whatever. *shoots Centerpoint*


Isolder: Leia, honey, it's fine. When I get back we can go to a nice mountain retreat and-

*Centerpoint blows away the Hapans*


Isolder: Oh $@&#...




Eh, pretty lame, but I tried...

Ken Kenobi- And you have a nice day

 

Good stuff, keep it up.

 

On the website:

Leia Organa
Horror. We're stranded on a jungle-infested planet where the Empire has a secret operations base.
Luke Skywalker
We'll have to have some romantic tension, then.
Readers
Ewww!! Eeewwww!!!!!!




THE END


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Okay,
Starfighters of Adumar

Wedge-Qwi sucks. I'm going to this planet. Hey, Iella's here!

Wes-We get to carry cool weapons!

Cheriss-Oh Wedge, I love you!

Wedge-Oh ****!

Hobbie-They're coming to kill us.

Adumarians-DUEL WITH US! WE WANT TO KILL YOU SO WE CAN BE HONORABLE!

Tycho-Um, what about Iella?

Iella-Wedge, we can't go out-what about that little birdbrain?

Wedge-She's gone. Kiss me.

Iella-I love you!

Cheriss-WAAAHHH!!!!

Some stuff blows up.

The End.

 

That's a good summation of SoA, but there was not nearly enough Wes!

 

These are great, especially if you haven't read the books

And to help Jifty, The WJFC Version of SoA

WEDGE: I'm just a side-character, I don't do anything.

WES: I'm the Darling One! Ooo... new people to make fun of!

*Wes runs off and makes fun of Tomer and gets shot down by Iella*

WES: Here Wedge, you can have Iella. She wasn't good enough for me.

HOBBIE: It's worse than that.

WES: No it's not, because I've got my cloaks!

*Wes prances around in cloaks*

CHERISS: Oh, now I'll go get myself almost killed so that Wes can fight.

WES: Blastsword drawing lessons! And then stress-release.

*Wes beats up on Adumari*

WEDGE: Um guys, we're about to be killed.

WES: Fun!

*Wes tries to shoot Blade with blaster*

HOBBIE: I wanna shoot something!

WES: I wanna make fun of Wedge, but I'll stay with Hobbie.

*Wes saves the day for everyone, and looks the best in women's clothing*


THE END

 

Much better.

 

The Crystal Star:

Waru: I'm from another dimention and don't belong in Star Wars at all.

Hethrir: I'm freakin' crazy and stupid!

*boring stuff happens*

Wes: I'm not in this book at all

Wedge: Me neither

Plot: Me neither!

*Solo Twins get kidnapped*

*nothing happens*

THE END

 

DARK JOURNEY

JAINA: Let's go dark

KYP: Bad idea

JAINA: Let's not

~Later:

JAINA: Ohh, Jag's in trouble! I must rescue him

//Jaina finds Jag

JAINA: Let's be all lovey-dovey

JAG: Let's not.

Boring stuff happens.

THE END.

More later...

 

PLANET OF TWILIGHT by Barbara Hambly

Boring political stuff brings LEIA ORGANA SOLO to a backwater world overrun by weird bug-people.

LEIA: Ew.

JEDI HUTT: Check me out. I'm a Hutt, AND a Jedi. Betcha never saw that befo-gets killed by Leia.

Evil Bug Guy: Mwahahaha! I shall take over the galaxy with my bug-pow-gets killed by Leia.

Somwhere else, LUKE SKYWALKER searches for his lost love, CALLISTA.

LUKE: Callista! Come back to me! You have to! I'm desperate and whiney!

WRITERS: Oh, yeah... Eh, sorry, Luke, we just decided to hook you up with Mara Jade instead. You can go home now.

HAN: I know I was doing something during this story, but I can't remember what. Oh, well. I'm going to get drunk.

READERS: Me, too.

THE END

 

COURTSHIP OF PRINCESS LEIA by Dave Wolverton

ISOLDER: Leia marry me.
HAN : No. Marry me.
RANCOR : Roar
LEIA: : Han, I love you.

VECTOR PRIME by RA Salvatore

//Vong come and kick NR butts
VONG : Ha we just kicked your butts!
//NR come and kick Vong butts
NR : Ha we just kicked your butts!
HAN : Oh no, Chewies dead!

DARK EMPIRE SAGA by Tom Vietch

PALPATINE : I'm back!
//Palpy dies
PALPATINE : Back again!
//Palpy dies
PALPTAINE : Missed me?
//Palpy dies

CONQUEST by Greg Keyes

ANAKIN : Look at me! I'm so great! Readers love me!
SHELLEY SHAPIRO : Look at him! He's so great! The readers all love him! Let's kill him!

 

Up, LoL, you people are good at this.

 

Cloak of Deception by James Luceno


Darth Sidious: Kill the Neimodian and get the holocron.
Darth Maul: Yes, master.

*Maul kills the Neimodian, Lorn Pavan gets the Holocron, runs away with his droid I-5YQ*

Pavan: Hey look at this. This Sidayus dude is trying to take over the galaxy. He's a Sith.
I-5YQ: Let's rob the bank.
Pavan: Ok.

*Pavan meets Darsha Assant*

Assant: Hello.
Pavan: I hate Jedi.
I-5YQ: *steals some things from a beggar*
Assant: Well that guy is not a Jedi.
Pavan: *looks at the pursuing Maul* I hate him more.

*chase through the undercity*

Assant: *fights Maul* Hurry, freeze yourself!
Pavan: Ok. *furthers his cheesy replica of Han Solo and freezes himself in carbonite*

*BIG explosion*

Pavan: I like Jedi.
I-5YQ: But I thought-
Pavan: Shut up. I'm killing the Sith.
I-5YQ: Sure. *gets memory wiped*


Pavan: *hits Maul* Ha ha! *runs away, finds Palpatine*
Palpatine: Hello.
Pavan: Hi.
Maul: Hello.
Pavan: Chewie! Chewie, get over here and help me- *remembers he's not Han Solo* Oh $@#&... *gets cut in half*
Sidious: Yes, that's right, I'm Palpatine.
Purists: The @#$& you are.
Sidious: *shocks them with Force Lightning*


THE END.


Ken Kenobi- And you have a nice day

 

//whispers.....

pssst.....Ken.....I think you mean "Darth Maul: Shadow Hunter".....not "Cloak Of Deception".....

 

These are hilarious!

 

No, DA, I think that was a spectacular improvement upon 'Cloak of Deception.'

 

I have been saved of the trouble of going out and getting all the books I don't have yet. Thank you.

 

Traitor:

Vergere: I'm saying some confusing crap.

Jacen: I'm confused.

Vergere: More cunfusing crap.

Jacen: I get it now.

*Ganner kicks a** *

*Jacen escapes*

THE END

 

He he he. this thread is funny.

And Ken, despite the massive improvement you've made on CoD, I think you really mean DM: SH.

SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE

LUKE: (walking on tightrope) Wheeeeeee!!!! This is fun!!!!!!!! Why didn't I ever run away and join the circus??? (feels darkside) Nooooo!!! Stay away from me!!!!!!

SOMEWHERE ELSE

LEIA: Han! I miss you!!!

SOMEWHERE ELSE, AGAIN

XIZOR: Hi. I'm a big, strong, green sexy guy. And I'm evil!

VADER: (secretly) I hate you.

ELSEWHERE, SOME TIME LATER

LUKE: This lightsaber had better work, or I'm as dead as Ben...

LATER STILL

LUKE: (running away from bandits) Why do these guys want to kill me? I'm only the last hope remaining for the Rebel Alliance and wanted by two of the most evil people in the galaxy!!

AGAIN, EVEN LATER, SOMEWHERE ELSE

LEIA: Let's go cosy up with the most evil crime guy ever so I can find out who is trying to kill Luke, even though he'll probably do it by himself!

LANDO: Bad idea

CHEWIE: (translated) Bad idea.

LEIA: Ahh, come on, it'll be fun!

LANDO: Fine.

SOMEWHERE ELSE, SOMETIME LATER

XIZOR: Leia, you will like me!!!

LEIA: I like you!!!

XIZOR: Now, remove your clothes!!!!

LEIA: No, you big green freak!!

Part 2, coming up...