EU Book-a-Minute

DarkWoman: Hehe, thanks.


Ken Kenobi- And you have a nice day

 

OMG, just found this! So HILLARIOUS!

WEDGE: Great, Corran dead, and Tycho in jail. What's next, an SSD erupting from the surface of Coruscant?

ROTFLMAO

~Inyri

 

I'm not really a Lit member, but I thought I'd try my hand at this (I do like CoD, BTW).

Cloak of Deception:

NUTE GUNRAY: I'm greedy.

SIDIOUS: I'm evil.

COHL: I'm morally ambiguous.

HAVAC: I'm mysterious.

PALPATINE: I'm a nice guy.

(Lots of POLITICS happen)

JORUS C'BAOTH: I'm a cameo.

RELLA: I'm out of here.

(Lots of INTRIGUE happens)

QUI-GON: I'm smarter than Cohl.

OBI-WAN: I'm confused.

(A tiny bit of ACTION happens)

TRADE FEDERATION DIRECTORATE MEMBER: I'm dead.

VALORUM: I'm screwed.

 

LOL! these are hilarious, keep it up!

 

Inyri: Thanks

 

"I'm a cameo." Brilliant!

YubYub and TG- Protecting fangirls from hormonally gifted fanboys since 2002

 

Knights of the Old Republic (Play it or else!!!)

Anyone who's played this knows it's a LONG game. Long, and I loved every minute of it. This takes longer than some others would.

WARNING: This contains spoilers about the game, so don't read it if you don't want them.

Light Side Version

Revan: Need coffee....

Trask Ulgo: Hi! I've never met you before and now I'm going to die to save your butt!

Revan: K.

Carth: Hidey-ho, boys and girls!

Revan: Hunh?

Carth: Just get in the damn escape pod.

Revan: K.

(jet off to Taris)

Janitor: Hi. I clean the floor.

(killage happens)

Sith Trooper: I just saw wanted fugitives walk past and didn't do crap! My mommy will be so proud of me!

Mission: Hi! I'm underage!

Zaalbar: Arf.

Bastila: I'm cute! Gimme some pom-poms so I can be a pompous ass!

Canderous: I'm tortured. Which sucks. Let's kill my boss for no reason.

Revan: Sure.

Calo Nord: Hi. You will die.

Revan: That's nice. Here's a bunny.

(kill Davik and get away)

Malak: This is taking too long. I'll miss Friends. Destroy the entire planet.

Nute Gunray: My lord, is that legal?

Saul Karath: Seriously, Lucas, hire some frieking editors. Who don't suck. *coughAnakinSolodiesfornoreasoncough*

Malak: YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH!!!

Saul Karath: K.

(destroys Taris)

Jedi Council: Hi, there, Revan! Have some cupcakes!

Bastila: What? He's not supposed to know that he's Darth Revan!

Revan: Whatever. I haven't had coffee this morning. I'll forget anyway.

Jedi Council: Whew. Now then. Malak=Evil. Killed he must be.

Revan: Fo' shizzle?

Jedi Council: Fo' shizzle, homie.

Revan: K.

Carth: Canderous, you suck.

Canderous: Carth, you suck.

Mission: I love Taris, even though it's a filthy, worm-ridden, godforsaken rock covered with racist asscakes who hate me!

(stuff dies)

Jedi Council: Here. Star Maps. Fetch, Fido.

Revan: Arf arf.

(On Kashyyk)

Zaalbar: Chuundar sucks.

Chuundar: Zaalbar sucks. And so does Freyyr.

Computer: I'm the embodiment of computers! I won't let you do anything! *coughMicrosoftcough*

Revan: Gimme the map or I demagnetize your hard drive!

Computer: Please don't kill me!! WAAHH!

Freyyr: Chuundar sucks. Now you die.

(kills Chuundar)

Freyyr: Here, take free stuff!

Link: Yay! Free stuff!

Revan: Wow. I feel like Link now.

Readers: That made no sense.

Me: Shut up.

*waves lightsaber threateningly*

(On Korriban)

Revan: Hi. I'm clearly a Jedi and you're too stupid to arrest me. Let me pass.

Guard: K.

Uthar: Here, go do these pointless tasks so you can betray me and kill me!

Revan: K.

(On Manaan)

Judge: I will arrest you a lot!

Revan: K.

alpha_red: I'm lazy. Bastila's hot.

Bastila: Shut up.

(On the Leviathan)

Carth: Crap! They've captured us with the Contrivance Beam! It's also affecting us as main characters so we have to let ourselves get tortured!

Bastila: Wow that sucks.

Random Character: I'll save you!

Saul Karath: Hi. I'm here to torture you with stupid questions that I already know the answers to!

Carth: You killed my wife!

Saul: No, Carth...I AM YOUR WIFE!!

Carth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Players: WTF?

BioWare: Oops. Guess it slipped past the debug team.

Malak: You cannot hide from what you once were, Revan.

Revan: Dude, I'm Darth Revan? This is like as amazing as finding out that Sidious is Palpatine!

Idiots: The hell he is.

Reasonable People: Screw off.

(On Tatooine)

Czerka Official: Here's a hunting license! Now go shoot stuff! And do our task, which we'll never be able to force you to do!

Revan: K.

Mark Hamill: Can they see me? *hides behind large rock*

(In the Star Forge System)

Ebon Hawk: Yay! I crashed for no reason!

Millennium Falcon: Cram it n00b.

Players: I never saw that. Honestly. Because this fits perfectly in the continuity. Really.

Rakata: Kill these other dudes for me!

Revan: K.

Rakata: *chant for hours*

Gandalf: It's Saruman! He's tr

 

My version of JK2

Jedi Knight Two

Kyle:Hey I'm gonna make fun of Mon Mothma
Jan: And I'll just do something uterlly stupid and get captured.
Some dark Jedi: Hah I got your woman watcha gonna do about it?
//boring stuff//
Kyle: Luke give me my lightsaber before I kill you.
Luke:First you must complete tasks my unborn son could do.
Wes:I'm not in this at all
//Some big fight at Nar Shadda//
Kyle: What the a giant green alien.
Lando:Rescue me so you can go off on some completely stupid mission.
//um some stuff about Cloud City//
Jan:Kiss me!
Kyle: Sure
//some mushy junk//
Dark Jedi:Hah Hah hhaha I know how to control the Jedi.
Kyle: I'll kick your arse for almost killing my girlfriend.
Dark Jedi: (dies)
Jan Ors: Hey Lando owes me five credits.

 

Small inquiry here: How many of the people who have posted EU "Book" A Minute parodies like what they parody? I made fun of KOTOR, and I love it to death. I've done the same thing with JK2. Of course, the one where someone pissed on VOTF kind of pissed me off. It's Timothy Frieking Zahn!

Thou shalt not diss Him.

I mean good Lord. Leia always wanted to kill Han. I think we all had some idea of where that could lead even from when Heir to the Empire came out.

 

I love everything I minuite-mize, and do it so in good humour.

~Clear skies

 

This is like as amazing as finding out that Sidious is Palpatine!

Idiots: The hell he is.

Reasonable People: Screw off.


*dies laughing*

 

I can't beleive no one's tackled this one yet!

Especially the WJFCers! It has our most sacred law!

X-wing: Solo Command

Wedge: I'm back with the Rogues!

Rogues: W00t!

Wraiths: $#^@!

Face: I've been promoted!

Elassar: Hi, I'm the superstitous Master of the Universe!

Zsinj: Look what I made! *shows off Second Death

Solo: Zsinj is driving me crazy! Somone help me kill him!

Myn: I love you.

Lara: You don't know me! Hell, I don't even know me!

Gast: Time to fry some pilots.

Wraiths: OW! Die IMPS! *lots of stormies die* YOU!

Gast: I'm too valuable to kill>

Wraiths: $@&*!

Tal'dira: *goes nuts*Wedge hops on one transparisteel leg!

All: Huh?

Corrn: Sorry, Tal. *vapes him*

Rogriss: Let's make a deal, even though I liked Tretran Cowall's holos more.

Face: I'm listening....

Solo: I'm going nuts!

Wedge: Partay!

*blowout ensues*

Face: Lara's Gara!

Lara: No I'm not! I think.... ? *leaves*

Myn:

Wedge: You're grounded Myn!

Lara/Gara: I'm joining Zsinj.

Zsinj: Sweeet.

Gara/Lara/Kirney: I'm really going to help kill him.

Myn: I'm so confused!

Wes: *heavenly choir in background* You can't look dignified when you're having fun.

Myn:

Wes: What's that?

Wedge: Lt. Kettch.

Wes: ?

Wedge: He escaped! Strip, and help me catch him!

Wes: *gets naked*

Wedge & Wraiths: Gotcha!

Shalla: Nice rear, Lt.

Wes: ;|

Kirney: Let's kill Zsinj.

Zsinj: WT*?!

Solo: Gotcha!

Rogriss: With my help!

Zsinj: Oh *$&#! *runs to asteroid belt*

Kirney: Oh no you don't!

Zsinj! Nothing's working!

Kirney: Who are you?!

Kolot: I'm an intelligent Ewok who's more emotionally stable than you.

Kirney: Okay.... Le'ts go! *leaves Iron Fist

Zsinj: Use Second Death! *acts* You've won, Solo!

Solo: Kiss my Wookiee.

Wedge: You're not Fel!

Tetran: No, I'm a washed up has-been holoactor.

Wedge: &#@$!

Kirney! I'm getting all heroic! *dies*

Solo: We've won! W00t!

Kirney: Call me, Myn.

Myn:

The END

 

KOTOR Dark Side Version

Everything I said before except skip down to the part on the Star Forge System.

Bastila: Join me and together we can rule the universe.

Revan: Sure, why not.

Jolee & Juhani: No! Don't do it! The insurance rate's too high!

Revan: I'll kill the insurance company!
*kills Jolee and Juhani*

*they go back to Ebon Hawk and kill people*

Canderous: That was fun!

Revan: Cool. Let's take over the Star Forge and rule the universe!

Bastila: Sweet!

(On the Star Forge)

Bastila: Go on ahead. I'll take care of everything here.

Revan: How do I know you won't betray me?

Bastila: *flashes boobs*
These are waiting for you when you get back...

Revan: Whoo-hoo!

Malak: I am the true Sith Master!

Revan: No you're not!

Malak: Yes I am!

Revan: Am not!

Malak: Am so!

Revan: Am not!

Malak: Am so!

Revan: Am not!

Malak: Am so!

Revan: Am not!

Malak: Am so!

Revan: Am not!

Malak: Am so!

Player: Get on with it!!!

Revan & Malak: K.

*Revan kills Malak*

Malak: Mommy!

Revan: Cool.

Admiral Dodonna: Oh Crap!

*dies*

Sith Troops: All hail Lord Revan!

Bastila: They acknowledge you, my lord! You are once again the ruler of the Sith.

Revan: Cool. Let's get some coffee.

 

Lol, these are too funny for words.

 

Traitor by Matt Stover (my favorite NJO book thus far, though I liked Keyes' work as well)

Jacen: Ow. This hurts.

Vergere: So? Not my problem.

Jacen: Ow. The Embrace of Pain sucks.

Vergere: Oh you poor thing! Come down and let mommy give you a hug!

Jacen: *moans in agony*

Vergere: See all those guys? They're all at your mercy. You have the Force.

Jacen: Dude, I just had an epiphany! Maybe it's this crack I'm smoking, but I can sense the Vong in the Force now! Kick ass!

Vergere: Good. Now kill stuff.

Ganner: Jacen?

Jacen: Wow you're stupid. And you will die.

Ganner: That sucks. What do I do?

Ganner: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!

Peter Jackson: *sues*

Ganner: *dies*

 

Star by Star

Anankin: I'm dead now.

Shelly Shapiro: blah, blah, blah, didn't expect the reaction, blah, blah, blah, excusses, excusses, excusses...

Jacen: Now I'm the lead, but everyone hates me.

The End.

 

JEDI KNIGHT - THE FORCE WITHIN

8T88: I'm going to kill you Kyle for no reason at all.
//kyle blows loads of stuff up//
KYLE: Cool I'm a Jedi!
//kyle hacks loads of stuff to bits//
JEREC: I am...er...I killed your father!
KYLE: Nooooooooooo! That's not true...that's impossible!
//kyle hacks and blows things to peices//
JEREC: I'm invincible! It's like having cheat mode!
KYLE: I'm Kyle Katarn!
//kyle wins//

JEDI KNIGHT - MYSTERIES OF THE SITH

//battle moons attack the rebel base//
KYLE: be right back!
//kyle destroys battle moons//
KYLE: I'm going to learn the Sith ways, you won't see me until the penultimate level!
//mara does some boring junk//
MARA: You can't kill your friends, Kyle!
KYLE: No, I can't
//they all live happily ever after//

~Clear skies

 

Here's my version of Mysteries of the Sith:

Mara: Why, God, why??

 

lol! these are hilarious!

 

Jacen: Dude, I just had an epiphany! Maybe it's this crack I'm smoking, but I can sense the Vong in the Force now!

LOL!! Too funny...

 

Kolot: I'm an intelligent Ewok who's more emotionally stable than you.

ROTFLMAO!

~Inyri

 

POT


Luke: I must find callista.

Leia: I must find Luke.

Dyzm: I am an evil bug thing that is going to take over the world!


*boring things ivolvoving hutts lightsabers and talking crsytals ensue*

Luke: I found callista and she left me. WAHHHHHHH!


Me: Man this book sucks.....

THE END!

 

Glad somebody dug this thread out from the depths.

 

great stuff people!!

no one has done Shatterpoint yet?!!! for shame!

Shatter Point by Matthew Stover

Mace: I am haunted by the Jango fight because I could see his shatterpoint. Booya!
Depa: Mace, like help me, I've gone mad. Whats happened to me is much worse. I'm dark sidey now.
Mace: I am a badass mutha****** in the universe, I will save you.
*arrives on Haruun Kal*
Journal: Journal happy fun time! Read Maces thoughts on a Jedi Temple recorder!!
GuardsInShowerRoom: Watch us be stupid and not realize we're messing with the bad ass mutha ***** in the universe. *both fall down on the ground* Doh!
*Mace gets lead into a trap*
Mace: How original!
*meets Nick and other people who live in the jungles*
Nick: Fraggin this Fraggin that! Fraggin Fraggin Fraggin Fraggin.....
People: This place is alive and dark then the rest of the Star Wars universe, but not really.
Mace: *More mental struggles and thoughts of Depa* I hate this place.
*Mace kicks the crap out of more people*
*but then meets his match who has his girl*
Vastor: Yo. *they fight endlessly, Vastor almost kills Mace*
Mace: OMG, I give up but not really. I'm clever.
Depa: Uh Oh!
Vastor: At first I bought it, but now I don't. Grr!
*they get seperated...*
*cue more action...*
*they fight again*
*explosions everywhere, chaos*
Clones: *singing* Here we come to save the day!
Mace: About time! You guys disappeared for most of the story! What took you so long?!
Clones: Umm hello... Trade Federation!
Mace: Ah. *secures justice*
The End
Prologue;
Mace: *turns on his Journal* Again, I must say it; I am one bad mutha. Peace!